...to want to stay friends with an ex?

[Explorer]

In brief, an ex and I were together for eight years, and we split up five years ago. It was painful at first but we worked through the difficult times to become close and supportive friends. He's now married, with a baby. I'm really pleased for him - he always wanted to settle down. He's a brilliant devoted dad and it's lovely to see. The difficulty is that his wife has always felt so incredibly threatened by our friendship, and has put all sorts of conditions on it. She has barely ever even managed to be polite to me, she uninvited me from their wedding, she has stipulated that we are only "allowed" to see each other once a month (if that), and on the few occasions when I have visited their house she has never made me welcome (eating separately from us, making snide comments, turning the TV on loudly when we were talking, etc). I often end up feeling really upset after these visits - but the friendship matters to me and I guess it's worth sometimes feeling crap for.
Am I being unreasonable to hope that she would be able to trust him enough to see our friendship as just a friendship, nothing threatening, not something that she has to try to control or destroy? AIBU to hope that she would try to be friendly to me out of kindness to him? I realise that she feels jealous and insecure, but AIBU to think that she doesn't have to act out her feelings like a spoilt toddler?

YANBU to want to stay friends with your Ex, its very nice.

That said he might be a wee bit unreasonable to invire you to her home if it bothers her that much. It is putting you both in a horrible position.

At the end of the day he married her and had a family with her, this should put her at ease but clearly doesn't.

Is he allowed other female friends?

She probably is being unreasonable, but that's really between her and her husband.

You can't make her like you or be happy that her husband wants to spend time with his ex. Alot of women would probably feel uncomfortable about it, rightly or wrongly.

In fairness, if an ex marries and his wife makes it clear she doesn't feel comfortable with you still being a part of his life, I think you have to respect that. His marriage is more important than your friendship.

She is clearly uncomfortable with you, so why would you want to continue to rub her nose in it by going to her home etc?

Think about it, she has been with her DH less time than you were with him. She also has a baby. She, for whatever reason, feels threatened by you. It may be ridiculous, it may be justified ( not saying from you, but maybe her DH isn't as good at making her feel like the no.1 woman in his life). She is probaby hormonal/knackered or both. You say he is a wonderful, devoted father. What is he like as a husband? It is not so hard to see why she might feel threatened. What have you ever done to make her feel any differently towards you?

She may be acting like spoiled toddler,but you know what? In a way, by insisting on going to her home etc, so are you.

If it were me, I would be inclined to make a genuine effort to be friendly towards her. Maybe she feels edged out when you are around. Maybe you and her DH make a point of talking about people/places/events that she has no first hand knowledge of. Do you have a new partner? If so, why can't you invite ex and his wife for a meal with you both. maybe seeing you with someone else will show her she has no need to feel threatened.

Otherwise, I would perhaps cool it for a little while. Let her start feeling like a human being again after the birth of her child.

Pleas can I make it clear, i am not in anyway, trying to imply that you have any feelings other than friendship towards your ex. But you know how it is after you have had a baby. You feel so unattractive, so tired, just so very, very, exhausted both physically and mentally, that you really do need your partner to give you confidence, not to insist on seeing the ex, who, in your eyes, is more beautiful, slimmer, no stretch marks etc etc.

I think his logic in inviting me over is to help her to see that I'm not a threat, let her get used to me, that sort of thing. I'm not convinced it's working though! He also wants me to know his kid - it's a bit of a massive life-change to not be able to share with your friends, right? It feels a bit stuck either way - if we only meet up elsewhere then the friendship is "excluding" her and she doesn't like that either.
He is allowed other female friends. His wife's attitude seems to be that female friends are ok but that there is something inherently dodgy in even wanting to be friends with an ex.
I don't ever expect her to like me or even be happy about the friendship. It would be lovely, but I don't think it will ever happen. I just wish that she would be a little less selfish. But she is absolutely convinced that it is her husband (and me) being selfish.

I'd back off and leave them alone I think, if I were in your position. It may not be fair, but his relationship with his wife and child is more important than his friendship with you. Whether she's being selfish or not, you and your ex are trying to force her to accept you in her life, which IS selfish if she doesn't feel comfortable with it.

I think you're the one being selfish here. Your ex has now married and his wife does not want you around. That's life, get over it.

YANBU to want to stay friends but imo YABU to try and do it at the expense of someone elses happiness and security. For whatever reason his wife doesn't like her husband being social with another woman and you should respect that.

Cheers for the replies. Lots to think about!
I certainly don't insist on going to their house. I agree to do it at my friend's request because he thinks it will help. I usually end up feeling quite upset by the visits because I end up feeling like I've spent two hours somewhere that I'm unwelcome.
I honestly try everything I can to be friendly, I don't bite back when she says something nasty, I don't say anything that might be construed as critical (even when I completely disagree with something she or they do, I don't say anything). I am careful to include her in conversations, we never talk about the past when she's there. I go along with her stipulations about when and where and for how long it is ok for us to meet. I don't argue with her, or try to persuade him to change things. I've given congratulations cards etc addressed to both of them. As for what else I could do - I have offered to write her a letter, that sort of thing, but he didn't think she'd react well.
I'm single at the moment, but I did meet up with them with my last partner. My partner, friend, and I all thought it had gone reasonably well, but when she got home she apparently spent the rest of the evening crying because my partner had disagreed with her (the two of them had been disagreeing with each other, seemingly amicably. I'd kept well out and walked on eggshells for most of the evening).
Just to clarify - my friend values our friendship as much as I do - this certainly isn't a case of me stubbornly failing to move on, oblivious to his new family. And her security genuinely isn't being threatened by our friendship. If I was his sister rather than an ex would I still be expected to disappear from his life because she can't accept her feelings?

Sorry, but I think YABU.

Your ex should be looking to his new wife to be providing fulfilling friendship, not to you... and you're depriving her of the opportunity to do it. And if you really cared, you'd be encouraging him to do that.

Whatever he says, I would back off...

If i were his wife i would be very uncomfortable because it is different having female friends then it is having a close friendship with your ex. You and your ex were intimate with eachother and had sex together and spent 8 years loving eachother.

I wouldn't want this man to just stop speaking to you altogether but i wouldn't be happy with your close friendship.

YANBU to want to be his friend, but YABU if you think you should when his wife is unhappy, however unreasonable you believe she is being.

I have two significant exes.

Ex 1 - remains a very good friend. Went to his wedding, he came to mine. Chat frequently on Facebook and meet up every few months. His wife will never be my best mate, but she's not uncomfortable with me and she gave me some hugely useful support and advice when I was exclusively expressing.

Ex 2 - was a good friend until he met his now wife. She wasn't comfortable with it and he backed off to the point now where I haven't seen him for several years. We weren't invited to their wedding, nor they to ours. I never pushed to see him as it was clear that she wasn't happy about him maintaining contact and the friendship has fizzled out. That's life, I'm afraid.

NB DH knows both exes and likes Ex 1 far more than Ex 2.

Can I ask if your single?

I think alot of people are threatened by single exs if Im honest as they think they may still want there ex

Sorry, being a bit defensive I know. But we've been friends since we were kids, and he genuinely does seem more like a brother than anything else.
I absolutely respect that she's feeling sleep deprived and perhaps more insecure now that she has in the past, and that's one of the things that helps me to not react when she makes snide comments. But she has always been like this. Is there anything I can do to help with it? Cooling it, I guess, but even now I never call my friend and very very rarely text or email him. We see each other about nine or ten time a year, for a few hours. I'm not sure how much cooler it can get! If it went down to six times a year, three times a year, once a year, I think she would still have the same amount of difficulty with it.

"If I was his sister rather than an ex would I still be expected to disappear from his life because she can't accept her feelings?"

No because you would be his sister and wouldn't have shared 8 years as bf/gf together.

I don't think his wifes issues are because your female tbh, i think the issue here is you are an ex who he loved etc and who is still close to her dp.

By the way, i can totally see it from your point of view as well and it's clear your not "after" your ex or anything. I just think everyones different and if this woman is not happy about the situation then that should be respected, even if she is being unreasonable as they are married and have a child together.

I think you and your ex are being selfish. He should be putting the feelings of his mother and child before yours or his own, and you should be too. If you are that good a friend to him why don't you cool it off a little bit so that he doesn't have to make his wife uncomfortable.

Also, how could she uninvite you to her wedding? In her mind you were probably never invited in the first place. I think you should both start to respect her feelings more, it is not unreasonable to want your husband or wife to not spend time with ex's.

Peanutbear: yes, I am single now, but I wasn't for the first couple of years that they were together, and she seemed to feel just as threatened by me then.
BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte: (fantastic name btw) I do encourage him to have a fulfilling relationship with her! I care about him and want him to be happy - and I don't want their relationship to suffer. I'm not stealing any of her intimacy! But he isn't prepared to give up on all other friendships and expect her to meet his every need. I don't think that if I were to say to him "sorry, I can't hack being friends with you anymore" that that would do anything for their relationship apart from help him to feel hurt and resentful.

hmm some of your comments sound a bit patronising and dripping with honey (sorry but they do to me!) so perhaps she might pick up on the same vibes - rightly or wrongly

Southmum - which ones?

You are being a bit silly saying would it be different if you were his sister. Unless of course he has shagged his sister.. His wife doesn't like you, doesn't like you being around and you are causing problems for someone you say is a friend.

sorrento56 - sure, I was being a bit flippant about the sister thing (he doesn't have a sister, so that's that one solved ). But your response is as though the friendship is something I am doing to him, not something that he takes an active part in maintaining. Do you think I should refuse to speak to him, in order to save him from himself?

The fact that you are being flippant makes me feel that you just don't get how you are making his wife feel.

I was in a position where I could have met up with an ex but I know his wife would have hit the roof and I already know that she has an issue with me so I declined and we don't speak now. While he was with me first, and we both want to have contact, I told him he has to put his wife first.

You have to do what you want but think about why you are so determined to be friends with someone though you are causing problems for him.

Maybe wrt the honey/patronising thing...It does end up feeling like when I am around her I am disgustingly, irritatingly nice. It pisses me off more than I can imagine. But I don't want to give her any more reason to resent my friendship with her husband. I'm not even scared of losing the friendship anymore (I was for a couple of years). But I don't want there to be any more reason for her to make it difficult for him.