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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to stay friends with an ex?

307 replies

Explorer · 20/08/2010 15:49

In brief, an ex and I were together for eight years, and we split up five years ago. It was painful at first but we worked through the difficult times to become close and supportive friends. He's now married, with a baby. I'm really pleased for him - he always wanted to settle down. He's a brilliant devoted dad and it's lovely to see. The difficulty is that his wife has always felt so incredibly threatened by our friendship, and has put all sorts of conditions on it. She has barely ever even managed to be polite to me, she uninvited me from their wedding, she has stipulated that we are only "allowed" to see each other once a month (if that), and on the few occasions when I have visited their house she has never made me welcome (eating separately from us, making snide comments, turning the TV on loudly when we were talking, etc). I often end up feeling really upset after these visits - but the friendship matters to me and I guess it's worth sometimes feeling crap for.
Am I being unreasonable to hope that she would be able to trust him enough to see our friendship as just a friendship, nothing threatening, not something that she has to try to control or destroy? AIBU to hope that she would try to be friendly to me out of kindness to him? I realise that she feels jealous and insecure, but AIBU to think that she doesn't have to act out her feelings like a spoilt toddler?

OP posts:
Original poster
Explorer · 20/08/2010 18:27

Secondcoming/south mum - I'm not sure what's giving you that impression. I think you're being unfair. I know it's not all about me. If it were all about me then I'd be fighting it, and complaining to them, and trying to manipulate him or undermine her. I'm not doing any of that. I'm biting my tongue and watching as her insecurity whittles my friendship down to its bare bones. I've done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
foureleven · 20/08/2010 18:33

That the point of am I being unreasonable Explorer. Sometimes the responses are 50/50, sometimes theres an overall majority opinion.. and when that is the case it points towards the fact that you are being unreasonable and have done something worng.

Sorry, that sounds incredibly patronising doesnt it. I dont mean it to be. im just saying that to force your friendship on this woman ais not acknowledging that her feelings are more important than yours because she is his wife. Thats whts wrong.. iykwim.

I get that its annoying for you and seems daft but its making her unhappy, whats so great about him/you thats worth making a marriage unhappy for?? If its that great, why arent you still together??

fridgemonkey · 20/08/2010 18:33

See, I'm not of the opinion that a wedding ring is a free pass to acting in any way that you so desire.

Being jealous and insecure as a behaviour is disrespectful and something that you should try to overcome and conquer because it's not right, (unless you have reason to be that way which clearly is not the case, here).

Explorer, I'm not sure what else you can do. It's something that he has to work out with his wife, and he's pretty clear about what he wants. You shouldn't get in the middle of that. Just carry on doing what you're doing. Don't meet in the house if it causes her such grief.

I don't think she's got the right to tell him who he can be friends with, but that's clearly a minority view!

Hope it works out for you - good friends are a precious commodity Smile

Original poster
Explorer · 20/08/2010 18:38

Foureleven - I know he wouldn't have said that. He's a honest guy.
Theladyofthegreenkirtle: we broke up for a lot of reasons. Would be easiest to just say we grew apart. Over a couple of years I started to feel smothered, bored, lost, irritable, realised I cared about him but didn't want to be with him and that staying together was just hurting us both. It hurt like hell but was the right decision.
Dizzyblonde: that does help. I really hope it will turn out like that, and that's why I'm taking whatever she throws at me at the moment, hoping that things will improve. I don't think she'll ever get to the point of thinking that there's no logical basis to it.

OP posts:
Onetoomanycornettos · 20/08/2010 18:39

I think who ended it makes a massive difference. You are the one that got away. He clearly didn't want to end it. Now he's prepared to make her uncomfortable and persist in seeing you every five or six weeks and keep you in their lives for ever. I would not want this myself, you may feel it is perfectly platonic, but perhaps she is right that from his side it is not. Plus the fact that you and him talk about how to 'manage' her makes me think that you are setting yourselves up as the pair and not him and her.

It's not nice to be dropped by male friends whose partners are jealous. I have been dropped by one such friend myself, who I've known my whole life, and am upset. She openly got distressed if we met up, the irony being that we were never interested in each other in the preceding thirty years and weren't about to start. But, I don't call them lots, I don't insist on him seeing me, I don't fly over for visits. I just don't. I feel sad, and he made a crap choice of partner who is excessively jealous and has cut him off from all friends, male and female, but they have been together ten years, recently married (no-one was invited) and ultimately this is his choice.

I really think you should back off to sending Christmas cards and the odd visit, it's very hard to maintain a full-on relationship with an ex and I'm not sure why it is so important to you to do so, in fact, probably risking his marriage. It's the way it is.

foureleven · 20/08/2010 18:40

Well i dont know him or you so I cant judge I suppose. But a lot goes on inside of a marriage that even the closest of friends dont know about.

SouthMum · 20/08/2010 18:46

somethings not right here........

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 20/08/2010 18:53

Do you have children?

Are you currently in a relationship?

expatinscotland · 20/08/2010 18:54

I think you need to get out and meet some new friends.

Original poster
Explorer · 20/08/2010 19:07

Southmum, what's not right here?

OP posts:
slouchingtowardswaitrose · 20/08/2010 19:08

I think you certainly are exploring something but I'm not sure what. Alarm bells are ringing, I think you may be a person who smiles and says polite things you don't mean.

You keep talking about helping her, helping him...what is it you want, you think you need, you think you deserve, from this relationship?

Feel the hurt and move on.

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/08/2010 19:09

I don't get all this jealousy over exes i really don't!!

I am friends with 3 of my exes, DP is friends with none. However he doesn't get jealous over my friendships, even when one ex invited me over to stay with him in the states HIS wife however had a major problem with it, and gets really arsey.

When he was getting wed before he told his mum he came to see me and told me first. We cried, laughed, cried some more etc but 5yrs on we are great friends and living our own lives.

Original poster
Explorer · 20/08/2010 19:15

Foureleven - perhaps I have misunderstood AIBU. I thought it was about getting others' opinions. Doesn't mean I have to agree with them, and doesn't mean that because three quarters of respondents think I am being unreasonable that it's the "truth". It's still just opinion.

Expat - I'll try to see that as constructive. I have a lot of friends, both old and new. But for me, friendship grows with time and friends aren't interchangeable.

Do you really have no friends at all who you would be there for no matter what?

OP posts:
SouthMum · 20/08/2010 19:15

Dunno tbh Explorer. I did think straightaway that you had initiated the breakup as he seems to be handling the situation in a weird way. The cynic in me might wonder if he is pining for his old life now he has some responsibilities.

I still think YABU but he is worse for being disrespectful to his wife

expatinscotland · 20/08/2010 19:24

'Do you really have no friends at all who you would be there for no matter what?'

Yes. But I never used to shag any of them.

Honestly, he sounds like a creep and you sound a bit of an immature saddo by hanging onto this 'friendship'.

He's married, he's a father, he's moved on.

Move on, too.

Seriously, get a life.

emmyloulou · 20/08/2010 19:30

You are coming across as an attention seeking marriage wrecker op.

I personally don't see the issue with ex's etc but I can see why some do and it's your whole posting style, not one thing I can put my finger on, it's like you enjoy the fact this is causing trouble in his marriage and you want to continue to do so.

The fact you and him are discussing how to deal with her speaks volumes, she is his wife not you, it should be them working as partners.

He sounds like a bit of a knob who could respect and talk to his wife more. As for you, well something is not right at all.

Original poster
Explorer · 20/08/2010 19:32

slouchingtowardswaitrose: the inspiration for the name was from a map on my sofa, after trying lots of other names that had all been taken. It doesn't mean all that much! I'm a very honest person, and very rarely say things I don't mean. I do smile and choose not to say all of the angry things I think because it's not all that constructive. What do I think I want/need/deserve? Similar to what I get aand give in my other friendships. Conversation, laughter, being understood, occasional support, that sort of thing. Nothing unusual. Nothing threatening. Before they got together we were a lot closer than we can be now or even need to be now, and that's great, I understand that and I'm pleased that he's found someone.

LadyEvenstar - it sounds like it's working out for you. Does that mean his wife is becoming less arsey? If so, how come?

OP posts:
SouthMum · 20/08/2010 19:33

Agree Emmy somethings not right with the whole thing.....

thesecondcoming · 20/08/2010 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NonnoMum · 20/08/2010 19:39

Coming in to this a bit late.

But Weird Weird Weird.

NEVER stay friends with an Ex. Who would do that?

Go out and get a new life.

fridgemonkey · 20/08/2010 19:40

Ah, don't get upset by people being mean, Explorer. Smile

Lots of people (men and women) can't understand the concept of staying friends with an ex. Quite often, it's because they've chosen fuckwits as partners in the first place, or they're just insecure and narrow-minded. That's their loss, really - these can be some of your best friendships!

Just because you didn't make it as a couple, doesn't mean that you can't make it as friends.

You're not being unreasonable, really you're not. And you're not a 'marriage wrecker' either. Hmm

The wife is being a pain in the butt and needs to get over herself. Just give it time, and carry on doing what you're doing. Don't make waves and hopefully, she'll just get used to it. She may not like it, but that's tough really, isn't it?

Careful · 20/08/2010 19:41

Explorer, I don't think YANBU.

I don't have anything new and insightful to add because I was going to say exactly what fridgemonkey said at 18.33.

But wanted to even up the YANBU/YABU balance a bit.

AnyFucker · 20/08/2010 19:41

you must have some brass neck to smile sweetly in her face, in her home, when she expresses quite clearly that you are unwelcome

the fact that he says you are welcome does not cancel out the fact that his primary relationship is with her

he sounds rather controlling (of her), and keen to rub her nose in the fact he can do what the hell he likes

of course he can do what the hell he likes...but why is he using you to drive that point home rather firmly ? He is making some point to her...and you are playing along with it

whether you like it or not...you are complicit in having a detrimnetal effect on his marriage by insisting yo have a right to continue a very close relationship with him

why?, I dunno

don't you have any other friends you could spend time with, cool right off with him and let him sort his own problems out ?

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 20/08/2010 19:41

Here's the deal, Explorer.

That child is number one. That child needs its father to be loving to, focused on, and respectful of its mother. The best thing a man can do for his children is love their mother.

Something ain't right here, why are you posting on Mumsnet?

Careful · 20/08/2010 19:42

I think YANBU, that should have said.

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