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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to stay friends with an ex?

307 replies

Explorer · 20/08/2010 15:49

In brief, an ex and I were together for eight years, and we split up five years ago. It was painful at first but we worked through the difficult times to become close and supportive friends. He's now married, with a baby. I'm really pleased for him - he always wanted to settle down. He's a brilliant devoted dad and it's lovely to see. The difficulty is that his wife has always felt so incredibly threatened by our friendship, and has put all sorts of conditions on it. She has barely ever even managed to be polite to me, she uninvited me from their wedding, she has stipulated that we are only "allowed" to see each other once a month (if that), and on the few occasions when I have visited their house she has never made me welcome (eating separately from us, making snide comments, turning the TV on loudly when we were talking, etc). I often end up feeling really upset after these visits - but the friendship matters to me and I guess it's worth sometimes feeling crap for.
Am I being unreasonable to hope that she would be able to trust him enough to see our friendship as just a friendship, nothing threatening, not something that she has to try to control or destroy? AIBU to hope that she would try to be friendly to me out of kindness to him? I realise that she feels jealous and insecure, but AIBU to think that she doesn't have to act out her feelings like a spoilt toddler?

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 21/08/2010 07:19

Step back and stay out of his marriage, Camilla...

thumbwitch · 21/08/2010 07:26

Some people see it as inherently unreasonable to want to stay friends with an ex - they assume "unfinished business" regardless of protestations on either side.

Sounds like your friend's DW is one of those.

I was very lucky that an ex of mine who stayed a friend got together with a lovely woman who was more than happy to make friends with me rather than ostracise me - I even went on her hen weekend and then to their wedding. She obviously has no problem (or security issues)

That aside, for whatever reason your friend's DW doesn't want you around, you should really respect their marriage and back off a bit.

I haven't read every page - has anyone suggested to you yet that you try and see her on her own, make friends with her as well? Or is she utterly uninterested in that as an option?

gtamom · 21/08/2010 08:23

YABU. His wife's feelings should come first.

thesecondcoming · 21/08/2010 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SouthMum · 21/08/2010 09:07

totally agree with the poster who said the marriage sounds rocky anyway.

Explorer if you can take the chance to make the marriage a bit less strained for the sake of the kid and for your friend then you should think about taking it.

Too many marriages break up over one straw that broke the camels back, do you really want to be that straw??

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 21/08/2010 09:14

actually, i agree with thesecondcoming. she may just not like you. as simple as that.

dh doesnt like my friend and his exgf didnt like me. very little to do with the fact that weve slept together, more that they/we just dont get on.

Isawthreeships · 21/08/2010 09:16

Explorer, it doesn't really matter whether YABU or not. Or whether she IBU or not.

She is his wife. If he has any respect for her, he should have regard for her feelings. As should you.

They are married and have a young child. Back away - don't tell him why, just leave the situation. Yes, it is upsetting for you but think of the good it will do their marriage - and the good it will do in their baby's life to have two parents who are no longer fighting over you.

Be the bigger person here for the child's sake. Please.

Animation · 21/08/2010 09:33

Going into their house every month seems VERY frequent to me.

WHY?

chipmonkey · 21/08/2010 09:37

Agree. The woman clearly doesn't like you. Why would you keep going to the house of someone who doesn't want you there. If you must meet him, why not in a cafe or pub?

Original poster
Explorer · 21/08/2010 10:40

I don't go to their house every month, I've only been there twice ever. I see him every month or two, but it's not usually at his. I've only been to his at all because he asked me.
Do I want her to read this? No - it would only get her back up (although she'd be pleased at the people giving me a hard time). Is she likely to read this? No - he's a teacher so they're away til September.
Do I have my own life? Yes. Thank you for your concern.
Does she like me? No. But she doesn't know me. I've tried - asked to meet up with her, tried get to know her, blah blah blah, she doesn't want to. Fair enough.
Are we ever going to get drunk and declare undying love? No. Even if we weren't 100% past all that, which we are, we don't drink together because where I live there's no public transport so one or other or both of us have to drive.
Do I think it's ok to continue doing something that makes your spouse unhappy? No. But what she's doing makes him unhappy. I'm guessing noone's going to suggest that she should stop out of respect for his feelings?

OP posts:
Isawthreeships · 21/08/2010 10:49

Explorer, the fact that are forgetting is that they have a child together. The child comes first.

And if that means that you need to back out in order for the child's mother to feel secure in her relationship (rightly or wrongly) then that must be your course of action.

Your ex-P sounds as if he has his boundaries confused. If you tell him that you are 'backing out' because of his wife then he may use that against her. So, if you are going to be genuinely adult then you need to just leave without any explanation to him. Hard? Yes. But it is the right thing for their child.

Isawthreeships · 21/08/2010 10:50

...that you are forgetting.....

blueshoes · 21/08/2010 10:57

Explorer, reading your post, the Camilla references earlier are very apt.

What will it take to get it into your head that you are not welcome. All this trying to get her to warm to you is making you look a bit sad. This I am putting myself out for the happiness of my ex is frankly denial at its finest. Can you not recognise the obvious signs to sling your hook, if you had any sense of honour and right?

No matter how unreasonable his wife is, she wins. She has the ring on her finger, not you. I am beginning to think you and her dh deserve each other after all. That probably makes you very happy, since all you want to hear is validation.

I just wonder how many life experiences you have. You are like a dog with a bone. With maturity is the realisation that sometimes however unfair you have to let things play themselves out over time without our frantic interfering.

scottishmummy · 21/08/2010 11:02

you are being combative for sake of it.you like creating tension in his marriage.using wife alleged jealousy as pretext, you both having a go at her

you by being provovative and popping up doing "what?lil only me...im his friend"

him by maintaining a contact and bringing you to their marital home,to annoy his wife.assert some im the man no one tells me what to do

you love the frisson,the potential aggro.his wife getting portrayed as insecure jealous whilst you represent easy going wont say no to him past life

both you and him are being nasty - but you know that already,and like it

expatinscotland · 21/08/2010 11:07

People like Explorer, who don't have kids, are single chicks childfree no stepkids or guardianship of relatives kids, not a nanny, carer or childminder, etc., I don't get why they come on a site like this.

It makes them come across as a bit Hmm, tbh.

Explorer you sound like you watch soap operas like Grey's Anatomy and Mistresses and read books like Bridget Jones and think this is what real life is like.

Grow up. Honestly. Get over yourself and maybe explore some non-parenting sites, because having children, or having guardianship or heavy involvement with one, usually changes people like you, makes them see it's not all about themselves and their stupidly over-complicated 'relationships'.

The real reason his wife probably doesn't welcome you is because she doesn't like you. From what you've posted here, it's not hard to see why: you sound pretty immature, self-absorbed and like you have a lot of times on your hands to over-analyse crap.

Her husband sounds like a bit of a twonk, too.

Maybe you two are made for each other, after all.

Animation · 21/08/2010 11:08

Looking after a demanding child is a hard, non-romantic activity. And he may hanker for you on some level - and you him, this is where boundaries come in.

You might still be 'friends' but why do you need to see each other so frequently - is it really necessary?

expatinscotland · 21/08/2010 11:11

Camilla was married and had children of her own. But she was still shagging another man. Different kettle of fish. She was an even bigger cow than the likes of Explorer, and he was just a twunt. She wasn't just an annoying, sad, hanger-on, she was a cheating 'ho. And he was just a loser. The pair of them only got away with that because his wife was young, inexperienced, easily manipulated and good-natured. Anyone a bit older and more assertive would have kicked him to the kerb right away and embarrassed the hell out of him.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2010 11:11

It is true that having kids changes people

It makes you grow up

I used to be a self-obsessed twonk too

expatinscotland · 21/08/2010 11:15

Same here, AF! OMG. All that stoopid drama over complete FA. What a waste of time.

There are those, however, who are born with or by circumstance are never like that, far more mature earlier on and better-natured.

I wasn't among them :o, but that's why it's so easy to recognise now.

But again, that's why I'm also amazed at people like Camilla and Charles, who were: not exactly spring chickens, married to other people and had kids, but still acted like school leavers on summer holiday before university.

fridgemonkey · 21/08/2010 11:15

You're never going to convince some people that you're not a vindicative, marriage wrecking bimbo. In their eyes, the wife is always right. The ring trumps everything. No matter how unreasonable or unpleasant her behaviour, any and everything is justified for the sake of the marriage. If he's unhappy, then that's just tough - HER feelings are paramount and he should just suck it up, because she is the most important thing in the relationship, and his feelings are irrelevant. Especially if they pertain to another woman.

I can sense you're feeling defensive. Tempting as it is to try and defend your corner, this is AIBU it's only going to get worse Grin

There's a few posts on here that are understanding - not many, but a few. Focus on those?

expatinscotland · 21/08/2010 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

fridgemonkey · 21/08/2010 11:24

Really? A personal attack on my parenting? Because I disagree with you.
And you call me immature?
Hmm

expatinscotland · 21/08/2010 11:26

I love how touchy people are on this board now! 'Oh, a personal attack on moi! I'm so offended!'

LOL.

Morloth · 21/08/2010 11:26

I think he sounds like he is fucking with her head personally.

I don't allow people I don't like in my home and I extend DH the same courtesy, by forcing you on her he is keeping her unbalanced.

Just move on, it all sounds a bit weird.

thesecondcoming · 21/08/2010 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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