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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to stay friends with an ex?

307 replies

Explorer · 20/08/2010 15:49

In brief, an ex and I were together for eight years, and we split up five years ago. It was painful at first but we worked through the difficult times to become close and supportive friends. He's now married, with a baby. I'm really pleased for him - he always wanted to settle down. He's a brilliant devoted dad and it's lovely to see. The difficulty is that his wife has always felt so incredibly threatened by our friendship, and has put all sorts of conditions on it. She has barely ever even managed to be polite to me, she uninvited me from their wedding, she has stipulated that we are only "allowed" to see each other once a month (if that), and on the few occasions when I have visited their house she has never made me welcome (eating separately from us, making snide comments, turning the TV on loudly when we were talking, etc). I often end up feeling really upset after these visits - but the friendship matters to me and I guess it's worth sometimes feeling crap for.
Am I being unreasonable to hope that she would be able to trust him enough to see our friendship as just a friendship, nothing threatening, not something that she has to try to control or destroy? AIBU to hope that she would try to be friendly to me out of kindness to him? I realise that she feels jealous and insecure, but AIBU to think that she doesn't have to act out her feelings like a spoilt toddler?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 20/08/2010 19:46

I don't think the OP has children. It sort of colours things when you have and most of the time, you stop wasting time over-analysing stupid crap like this and other 'relationships'. You just don't have time and it all starts to look a bit stupid, because most of the time, it is.

NonnoMum · 20/08/2010 19:47

Well said, slouching.

Imagine in a few years the child looking through the photo albums...

"Here's me, Mummy, Daddy, and Auntie Explorer. She used to be Daddy's girlfriend, but would often hang round at ours for years later. Mummy thought that was a bit strange, but Daddy said all his ex-shagging partners are welcome at our house anytime as friendship is SO much more important than a normal family relationship. Even though Mummy felt uncomfortable with this, Daddy thought his ego to have lots of friends was more important than respecting my mother. I intend to do the same when I'm a big boy - whatever the hell I like as personal satisfaction is more important than cordial family life..."
Oh - and it worked really well for Prince Charles, so I think it will work well for my family. Why are you crying, Mummy?"

StarlightMcKenzie · 20/08/2010 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GeekOfTheWeek · 20/08/2010 20:15

YABU imo.

I wouldn't like dh to be such 'close friends' with someone he spent 8 years shagging. I have no security or trust issues I just wouldn't like it.

I also think that seeing someone once a month is a lot.

Animation · 20/08/2010 20:26

Explorer.

How honest are you able to be with us about this situation?

I suspect you're not over him or him you. His wife's intition might have zoned in on this

NonnoMum · 20/08/2010 20:32

And I think Price Charles was Godfather to one of Camilla's.

And look how well that turned out...

foureleven · 20/08/2010 21:04

nonno your penultimate post was by far the winning MN post of the day.

Animation is right.. explorer this is an anonymous forum.. (unless youre an attention seeker like me with a photo!) just be honest...

YellowDaffodil · 20/08/2010 21:32

I posted earlier but have read other people posts with interests.

Having read some of OPs other posts I now think you and he are being hugely disrespectful to his wife.

It may be unreasonable to be jealous of an ex in some circumstances.

But not when

  1. the ex ended relationship with her DH and he still puts her feelings above his wifes.
  2. the ex disregards her feelings and comes to her house when she is unwelcome
  3. the ex discusses her with her DH behind her back. Which by the way is imo manipulative, you are basically pointing out how reasonable you are and how unreasonable she is knowing full well that he will take your side because you are telling him what he wants to hear.

If he was free do you think you would ever get back together? If you don't answer NO without giving it a split seconds thought then you need to end contact.

spiralqueen · 20/08/2010 21:33

Explorer - your ex comes across really badly and appears to be using you to torment his wife. Is this really the kind of person you want to maintain a friendship with?

nomedoit · 20/08/2010 21:38

There is no way in hell that you are totally over this man, Explorer. His wife knows that. He knows that. We all know that!

mumbar · 20/08/2010 21:44

OK gonna pose a hypothetical (altho still pmsl at nonnos album post)

Man works in busy company office. Man has a relationship with collegue which doesn't work out but stay friends, work in same office, work pub meeets, xmas party etc.

Man meets a girl 1 year later and marries her.
Is man expected to suddenly change jobs, apply to differeny area of the company or not join works drinks parties anymore as the 'wife' doesn't like it?

Surely when you meet someone and want a future together the person comes with a past?

I've heard a lot said lately about people not taking their wows seiously, divorcing too quickly etc but it now seems that its ok not to beleive your dh/w when they promise to love honour obey and forsake all others, or does forsaking all others include friendships as well.

OP I wouldn't go around there as it could make things worse BUT if he asks to meet suggest a busy pub, early evening, insist she knows about it and can come if she wants.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 20/08/2010 21:48

I think my problem with this situation is that both you and your ex seem to be thinking about yourselves rather than his wife.

If you cared about him, you'd support him putting his marriage first. If he cared about you, he wouldn't be sucking you into a sullen love triangle.

If the partner of any friend I had felt uncomfortable with me, I'd give them both space to deal with it as a couple EVEN if it meant the end of the friendship...

sorrento56 · 20/08/2010 21:51

EXACTLY.

Boys2mam · 20/08/2010 21:55

I was about to post something similiar to that, squirrelqueen - why would you want to be friends with someone who so blatantly disregards his wifes feelings?

scottishmummy · 20/08/2010 22:03

why you still sniffing around an ex when you know it is problematic.methinkey you like thr frisson and you two against her

Original poster
Explorer · 20/08/2010 23:04

Realise that none of you know any of us, and that some of you seem to be forming very strong and sometimes quite offensive opinions on the basis of very little information.
If by getting over each other you mean could no longer give a crap about anything that happens to the other, and no longer enjoys their company then no, we're not "over" each other. If getting over someone means you no longer want to kiss, fuck, see naked or be in a relationship with each other then yes, we are over each other and have been for years.
I would absolutely not in a million years want to get back with him. We are both 100% past that. Ffs, we've both been genuinely pleased for the other when they've found new partners.

And if I liked the frisson why would I post about it? I can see that for some people this is a real sore point, but I've not posted to wind you up. This genuinely upsets me, and him, and her. I don't like any of us being upset, hence trying to get some ideas for how to stop it. Me refusing to be friends with him might make her happy but it wouldn't make him happy (or me). It's not all about her.
He's not inviting me over to their house to upset her. He just thinks (as a fair few other posters here do) that she's not being reasonable. I'd be far happier to meet elsewhere.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 20/08/2010 23:06

noone knows you-yes.but you invite stranger pov.then deride majority opinion,thats up to you.imo,you know you are mixing it,you like the frission

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 20/08/2010 23:20

Well no, we don't know you. That's presumably why you're asking us though...

scottishmummy · 20/08/2010 23:24

thats the rub on internet.no one knows anyone

Original poster
Explorer · 20/08/2010 23:28

I'm not deriding majority opinion. I'm just objecting to people who post opinions as though they are facts, particularly when they are quite personal attacks.
I asked here because my friends (male and female, married and unmarried) pretty much all agree with me. Whilst that's supportive and reassuring it's not all that helpful because I don't want to just settle into thinking "what a small minded cow, screw her then". I'm trying to be constructive.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 20/08/2010 23:30

what are you seeking explorer whats point of thread

GeekOfTheWeek · 20/08/2010 23:37

Were you already friends when he and his wife met? How long had you been split up?

wineandroses · 20/08/2010 23:42

You keep giving his view on things which makes me uneasy - I think it's your view of his thinking. When I got married we invited some of his exgirlfriends. To be honest I got on better with those who had visibly moved on ie had new partners or new careers. One girl had clearly not moved on and tried to corner dh and made snide comments which were clearly aimed at emphasising all of their history. Most irritating. Sounds a bit like you. Luckily my husband was sensitive enough to realise when I was comfortable and when I was not. Your friend clearly isn't or isn't bothered. Shame. You should just back off and get a life.

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 20/08/2010 23:44

Are you going to tell him you posted this on MN?

Or were you hoping his wife is a MNer, and we would all be rallying to your defense?

God I hope she's a MNer, I want to hear her take on all this.

Original poster
Explorer · 20/08/2010 23:56

Partly, I wondered whether people would think I/he/she/any combination of us were being unreasonable. My friends all think she's being unreasonable, her friends all think I/he are being unreasonable. Clearly they're all kind/reassuring/supportive and completely biased. So I wondered what strangers would think.

I hoped that some of the people who agreed with her would explain why, and that their explanations would help. Some posters have done that and that's been very kind.
I hoped that some posters would give me some ideas for what to do next. He's not willing to give up his friendship because of her insecurity, because he knows that he loves her and will never leave her and that she has nothing to be insecure about. Stubborn and a little hard nosed, sure, but as other posters have said, she knew the situation before she married him, and he sees jealousy as an emotion not as an absolute right to dictate what your partner does. Again, some posters have done that and some of it's been really helpful. Particularly, pointing out that his attempts to make things better by convincing me to visit their house is almost certainly backfiring, and that it'd be better to meet elsewhere. Trust me, I'm more than happy to.

OP posts:
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