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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to stay friends with an ex?

307 replies

Explorer · 20/08/2010 15:49

In brief, an ex and I were together for eight years, and we split up five years ago. It was painful at first but we worked through the difficult times to become close and supportive friends. He's now married, with a baby. I'm really pleased for him - he always wanted to settle down. He's a brilliant devoted dad and it's lovely to see. The difficulty is that his wife has always felt so incredibly threatened by our friendship, and has put all sorts of conditions on it. She has barely ever even managed to be polite to me, she uninvited me from their wedding, she has stipulated that we are only "allowed" to see each other once a month (if that), and on the few occasions when I have visited their house she has never made me welcome (eating separately from us, making snide comments, turning the TV on loudly when we were talking, etc). I often end up feeling really upset after these visits - but the friendship matters to me and I guess it's worth sometimes feeling crap for.
Am I being unreasonable to hope that she would be able to trust him enough to see our friendship as just a friendship, nothing threatening, not something that she has to try to control or destroy? AIBU to hope that she would try to be friendly to me out of kindness to him? I realise that she feels jealous and insecure, but AIBU to think that she doesn't have to act out her feelings like a spoilt toddler?

OP posts:
SouthMum · 20/08/2010 17:18

the main one was the "help her to see that I'm not a threat, let her get used to me, that sort of thing" when talking about why you go round there

Also think its a bit off that you two are discussing you writing her a letter to explain things and that he invites you over because "he thinks it will help"

Just all sounds a bit......wrong, I dunno....

MrsZuko · 20/08/2010 17:19

YANBU

I think all this "you should back off" stuff is crap. Why should you have to give up a life-long friendship just because the woman he's married is jealous of you? I agree you should be nice to her (as I'm sure you are) and diplomatic and not rise to her snide comments but at the end of the day if your friend wants you in his life then that's his call.

Why should you have to play the self-sacrificing martyr when it's her that's behaving badly? If she doesn't like it, tough. She must have known you were mates when they got together, if it was such a deal-breaker then she shouldn't have married him.

SouthMum · 20/08/2010 17:21

and yes I also thought maybe you might try too hard to be nice and she sees through it so assumes you must be trying to cover something??

I think you should think about stepping away if you do want to genuinely help him

pjmama · 20/08/2010 17:26

Nothing you do or say is ever going to make her welcome you into their lives. Your continued insistence on spending time together despite her discomfort will just continue to cause problems. If you really care about your friend, then stay out of his marriage. Whether you realise it or not, she feels like she is competeing with you when there should be no contest. Her DH is unreasonable for disregarding her feelings. Why would you WANT to stay in the middle of all that when it's never going to get any better? Why is this friendship so important to the both of you that he's willing to compromise his marriage?

If you can answer that question brutally honestly, then perhaps you might understand better why she feels the way she does.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 20/08/2010 17:29

But it still feels as though you're looking for ammunion to prove your reasonableness, and aren't willing to hear how you might be being very unreasonable.

Is your friendship with your ex stopping him from spending time with his new wife?

fridgemonkey · 20/08/2010 17:32

YANBU at all.

I've been exactly where you are with the wife of a really dear ex-boyfriend. The fact that we had split up and he had been through several other girlfriends since me cut no ice with her, and she just made it absolutely clear that I was not welcome. Sad

Tried everything, inviting her over, double dates with my DH, but she was so threatened by the 'first love' thing that she couldn't stomach that we were still friends.

Ended up respecting her 'wishes' and saw each other maybe once a year? It was shit, but he's a good guy and that was what she demanded.

It was worth staying in contact as I was able to be there for him when she disappeared for days on end with some bloke to relive her 20's, leaving him and their 3 year old behind. Shock They are not together anymore.

That weird possessive, you can't talk to/befriend any female on earth except meeeee, shit that some women pull, is just peculiar. And, personally, I don't think it should be indulged.

She's in the wrong - it's not normal, adult responsible behaviour and pandering to it is not going to do anyone any favours.

Original poster
Explorer · 20/08/2010 17:40

MrsZuko - thank you thank you thank you! I think they both hoped the other would change their minds in time. When they got together he was really open about "I think it's very important to stay friends with exes" and "I am very good friends with my ex, is that a problem?" She told him that she was still friends with hers (she isn't) and that she'd be fine with it. Grrrr.
Southmum - I do see what you mean. And sometimes I think he's being disloyal for telling me and sometimes I think well, what else is he meant to do? He wants her to be happy, and he doesn't agree that he should have to sacrifice a friendship for that to happen. So he's trying to find a solution - and has included me in that because it might be useful. Ideally, we'd all sit down and talk about it together but she won't.
Sorrento56/pjmama - Friendship is important to me. Building a marriage out of trust rather than control matters to him.
Breastmilkdoesafablatte: Not really. Not significantly. We see each other for a few hours every 5 or 6 weeks. We don't do things together (see films or whatever) that he would otherwise do with his wife. I really don't think it's about time.

OP posts:
pjmama · 20/08/2010 17:47

In an ideal world we should all be able to be friends with our exes. The reality of it is that some people are cool with that and others aren't and for many different reasons. While it may not be fair, that's just the way the world is. It's really up to your friend whether he can accept and respect his wife's wishes or not, be they rational or otherwise.

garageflower · 20/08/2010 17:49

Explorer - although it was a long time ago, can I ask who initiated the break-up? Was it mutual or was one party significantly more upset than the other?

foureleven · 20/08/2010 17:53

I have only read OP, sorry.

My opinion is that his wife is more important than you, 1000 times over. And if she is insecure about your relationship then his duty is to her.

Ive missed if you and he have children together?

Either way, is his friendship really that important that you wish to make a fellow woman sooo uncomfortable just to spend time with him? Move on and get some new friends..

SouthMum · 20/08/2010 17:54

was also going to ask that garage....

sanielle · 20/08/2010 17:57

I wouldn't be happy with Dh being friends with someone he had slept with for 8 years. Sorry I'd hate it. I'd want to be a very big person about it and very mature but I'd loathe it.

Dh wasn't much of a dater but more of a serial mongomist before me and one of his exes who I knew he had been with for a long while and LOVED previously tried to add him on Facebook. I told him no fucking way. I trust him completly, but I'm insecure.. There were pics of her in her bikini on there. And she was prettier than me. My insecurity yes, but if I thought for just a second, does he wish was with her still? I'd be heart broken. So not worth it. Please just back off and end the friendship. Friendships end that's how life works. Relatiohsips change and people's priorities change. His is his wife and baby

Original poster
Explorer · 20/08/2010 17:59

Fridgemonkey - thank you! You know, I'm really torn between continuing to walk on egg shells and just being completely honest with her.

I realise I'm only thanking the people who are saying I'm not being unreasonable Blush (bad Explorer). I do appreciate the responses that disagree with me too, it's useful to hear the other side again. But it's really nice to hear that I'm not the only one.

As for whether it should be pandered to - I wouldn't accept it from a partner (maybe that's why I'm single though!). Possessiveness really pisses me off. But that's his decision, not mine. I'm not pushing to spend more time with him. I just don't think it's necessary for her to be so unpleasant when we do spend time together.

Maybe I'll suggest to him that I don't go round to their's for a while. Though LI know this would upset him. It's so damn frustrating.

OP posts:
foureleven · 20/08/2010 18:01

Im actually proud of the wife for openly expressing her feelings about this. There are a lot of 'cool' wives I have come across (friends etc) who are scared to come across as needy/ jealous/ insecure and go along with this kind of stuff when I actually think that most women would be uncomfortable with their husband having a close friendship with a woman he shagged and loved for 8 years.

fridgemonkey · 20/08/2010 18:03

From the other side, if my DH tried to ban me from seeing a friend, sulked when they came round and acted out, then I would read him the Riot Act!

I'd also think (with justification) that he was a jealous, controlling, insecure prat and, believe me, those are not qualities that I find attractive in anyone.

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 20/08/2010 18:05

why did you split up?

FiveGoMadInDorset · 20/08/2010 18:07

I lost a very good friend when he married his wife, for some reason she hates me, we never went out but have known each other since childhood, it hurts, alot, but you need to move on.

SouthMum · 20/08/2010 18:10

Explorer you do seem to be a bit off hand about this

upahill · 20/08/2010 18:14

Trickey. Years (and years!!) ago me and my ex split up. I met my now DH and he met his (now ex wife) but we stayed mates because we lived in a small town and everyone knows each other.

The (now ex) wife had a huge problem with me for many years. When they split up she suddenly wanted to be friends with me (confused)

He is now two girlfriends down the line and the current one has a HUGE problem with me. This is dispite me introducing her to the crowd when she didn't know a sole from our town and keeping her company she she didn't feel a bit left out while ex was off playing in his band at the pub!
Dh has never had a problem with him. Over the years I will say 'oh had a text from .... He wants to know if we fancy such a gig or I may say I might call round to his if I'm in the area.

I don't know what to suggest if there are no bad feelings between you and ex especially if you have mutal friends.

thesecondcoming · 20/08/2010 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 20/08/2010 18:16

i actually dont think YABU. I am still v good friends with an ex and dh has been uncomfortable about this in the past (in fact we nearly split up over it) the way i see it, the relationship ended for a reason. no partner has the right to dictate who you can or cant be friends with, if she feels uncomfortable, thats her problem unless she has been given reason to. but you have both been upfront and he married her. not you. theres a reason for that!

dizzyblonde · 20/08/2010 18:16

Not sure if this will be any help but my husband is friends with one of his ex's. When we were first together I did feel threatened by their closeness but felt that there was no real logical reason for it so persevered with inviting her to stay etc.She is now godmother to our second child and DH comes back tonight after spending a couple of days staying with her. BTW I was invited but had a big exam today so would rather stay at home. I am friends with one of my ex's, he co-owns a holiday home with myself and DH and is godfather to our youngest. I have absolutely no desire to be anything other than friends with him. It is perfectly possible. Hopefully she will become more secure as the years pass. Just give it time but don't give up on the friendship.

Original poster
Explorer · 20/08/2010 18:17

No, we don't have kids together.
I initiated the break up. But people change a lot in five years, and we've both had other relationships since. It doesn't help, I know, it would be easier for her if he'd broken up with me. But we're so different from who we were, there's no reason for her to think that he would still want to be with me. Or that I would want to be with him. We genuinely are just friends.
I know that his wife is more important to him than I am. It would be weird and wrong and very sad indeed if that were not the case. But he doesn't think that that justifies her dictating who he can be friends with. As some context, maybe relevant, one of his parents is very controlling over the other. He's never been that comfortable with it.
I agree that openly expressed insecurity is miles healthier than buried down secret insecurity. And I think that everyone ends up feeling insecure about their partners sometimes. But insecurity is just a feeling. It doesn't have to dictate what you do, or what you try to force your partner to do. IMO.

OP posts:
foureleven · 20/08/2010 18:19

fridgemonkey - he married the women. If he doesnt like these traits he should be discussing it with her and either divorcing her or respecting her wishes and losing Explorers friendship. Not deliberately having OP round despite her obvious upset.

Seems to me though if OP does make the wife so unhappy it is something she should have discussed with him before they got married. i.e 'I want to marry you but Explorer makes me very insecure so if she is in the picture I would be unhappy in the marriage, are you willing to lose her friendship for me?'

For all we know, the wife did say this, he agreed, and then went back on his promise.. that'd be pretty upsetting..

sorrento56 · 20/08/2010 18:22

While no one has the right to say their spouse can't be friends with who they want there is a need for respect. I could insist to my husband that I want to be friends with an ex but would it be worth it when it upsets him? No way.

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