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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to want to stay friends with an ex?

307 replies

Explorer · 20/08/2010 15:49

In brief, an ex and I were together for eight years, and we split up five years ago. It was painful at first but we worked through the difficult times to become close and supportive friends. He's now married, with a baby. I'm really pleased for him - he always wanted to settle down. He's a brilliant devoted dad and it's lovely to see. The difficulty is that his wife has always felt so incredibly threatened by our friendship, and has put all sorts of conditions on it. She has barely ever even managed to be polite to me, she uninvited me from their wedding, she has stipulated that we are only "allowed" to see each other once a month (if that), and on the few occasions when I have visited their house she has never made me welcome (eating separately from us, making snide comments, turning the TV on loudly when we were talking, etc). I often end up feeling really upset after these visits - but the friendship matters to me and I guess it's worth sometimes feeling crap for.
Am I being unreasonable to hope that she would be able to trust him enough to see our friendship as just a friendship, nothing threatening, not something that she has to try to control or destroy? AIBU to hope that she would try to be friendly to me out of kindness to him? I realise that she feels jealous and insecure, but AIBU to think that she doesn't have to act out her feelings like a spoilt toddler?

OP posts:

Animation · 22/08/2010 15:36

If relationships end amicably - people often say we're "still friends." That doesn't follow that you still see each other regularly, because you're 'still friends.' I only know of Simon Cowell who does this.

dignified · 22/08/2010 15:37

IF i was the wife in this situation, feeling as op suggested, insecure, jealous and threatened , i would clearly state to my husband to get the fuck rid of explorer or else.

If i wasnt arsed and saw her as some sad hanger onner stalker type id probably do as she did, turn the tv up while she was talking and generally ignore her .

blueshoes · 22/08/2010 15:53

That's a good point, dignified. It does not sound like the dw has laid down the law. More like she sees OP as a fly who keeps coming back after being swatted.

Bagofrefreshers · 22/08/2010 19:43

You say you've met the wife about 12 times and she's pretty much always been hostile towards you. Also she disinvited you to their wedding. Well, sounds to me that she's made her feelings about you clear to your ex from the off. It's not like she's changed the goal posts on him post marriage. He knew before he married her that she was going to have difficulty with your friendship yet he still married her. So, quite frankly, his continued attempts to impose you on her and make her friendly towards you are no more reasonable to her putting limits on a pre-existing friendship she (apparently) had full knowledge of before she married your ex. Sauce for the goose, OP.

And let's face it, your friendship is NOT forbidden, you do see the ex. If we are to believe you, the wife has stipulated he sees you no more than once a month. OK, morally this may be unreasonable. But practically, does this really effect you? I reiterate my question from yesterday: exactly how much more often would you expect to see ex? He's a teacher, presumably with a busy work schedule, lesson planning etc in the evenings. You say he has nights out with the wife. He presumably looks after their baby so she can go out with her friends. He presumably goes out with colleagues, other friends. Am I right, you don't live in the same town, so your meetings need to be scheduled/planned? If he is the devoted family man you say he is, then I assume most of his weekend is devoted to his immediate and extended family. Presumably for a lot of the time he hasn't the energy to do anything else but stare at the TV - let alone the funds for more nights out. So, HOW MUCH MORE OF HIS BUSY MONTH DO YOU WANT AND WHY SHOULD YOUR FRIENDSHIP TAKE PRIORITY OVER HIS OTHER FRIENDS/COMMITMENTS? You are lucky in some ways. Your monthly meetings are a given, a permanent fixture in the calendar, not a social engagement shoe-horned in only if there's time.

You said something along the lines of "feelings are just feelings and wife should just get over it". Why don't you apply the same philosophy to your own feelings re the wife's attitude? Ex can look after his own feelings about his situation, he's a grown up, you don't need to look after him.

Animation · 22/08/2010 20:30

Bagofrefrshers.

"SO HOW MUCH MORE OF HIS BUSY MONTH DO YOU WANT..."

You nailed it!!

EgyptVanGogh · 22/08/2010 20:33

Yes. Very well said Bagof.

Lynli · 22/08/2010 20:37

I don't know, I have never had an X, but I am really tempted to get one.

NetworkGuy · 22/08/2010 21:02

So let's get this straight. You and he were parners, you ended it 5 years ago, you then had other relationships, but you're now single again.

While you say she has no reason to be concerned you want to be with him, or he wants to be with you, and he "doesn't think that that justifies her dictating who he can be friends with", it really does seem that by your and his 'wish' to get her 'used to you' as a friend, you are BOTH ignorant or unwilling to accept her view.

He's childish if he cannot see his new responsibilities, and you're selfish if you are unwilling to leave them to it, however much 'hurt' you, or he, feels about this.

Sorry, YA definitely BU. Don't care that a few other posters have felt similar feelings for an ex and have sympathy for your wishes... each case individual, but given they are married and have a child, his priorities and mind need to stay closer to home now.

lyns2 · 22/08/2010 21:05

Have spent last hour reading thru all the posts.Would like to give op a good telling off but bot going to waste my breath as she clearly not going to listen
I would NEVER in a million years tolerate my dh having a relationship with an ex(yes I am insecure/jealous-so fuck*ng what?).
op thinks she has some sort of divine right to continue this friendship and that she is reasonable one while wife is unreasonable/a bit of a harridan/escaped lunatic.
It will all come to a messy end sooner or later and he will kiCk 1 of them to the kerb(know who Im rooting for :) )

SpiritualKnot · 22/08/2010 21:08

On an aside. I had a very good friend who I saw several times a week. She started dating an ex of mine who I was still good friends with, we'd dated for 5 years, but had known each since childhood, like Explorer. As soon as I found out they were dating (and very quickly practically living together),I backed well out of my friendship with both of them, out of respect for them both. They've been married 20 years now.

I would never have gone round to their house and had long chats with my ex, or her, how daft. And I liked them both (well, her more than him, to be honest) and they liked me, but I knew I should break contact.

You must really dislike his wife. If you liked her, wouldn't you stop going round and break contact with him if you knew it was upsetting her?

blueshoes · 22/08/2010 21:38

SpiritualKnot, that is gracious and discreet. Your friends must thank you from their hearts.

WidowWadman · 23/08/2010 19:05

Spiritual Knot - so you gave up on the friendship of 2 people as to not disturb their relationship?

I'd be seriously hurt if a friend of mine would do that.

NetworkGuy · 23/08/2010 20:07

WW - my guess is that if SK had been contacted by either of them, she would not have 'blanked' them but responded to contact.

However, if she went quiet and they were wrapped up in their relationship, then as bs says, it was gracious and discreet.

Sounds to me as if they were wrapped up with one another, so perhaps there was no hard feeling or upset on their parts.

peeringintothevoid · 23/08/2010 20:29

To me, SpiritualKnot's behaviour probably seemed a bit bizarre to her friends, and maybe they thought that she was peeved to see them begin a relationship, and couldn't handle seeing them together - maybe she still harboured feelings for her ex.

Then again, that could just be me assuming a massive amount about SpiritualKnot , based on a tiny amount of information. Oh, hang on.... that kind of ill-informed supposition would blend right on this thread.

sorrento56 · 23/08/2010 20:34

I have no idea why you felt the need to back of SK .

dignified · 23/08/2010 20:56

Then again, that could just be me assuming a massive amount about SpiritualKnot , based on a tiny amount of information. Oh, hang on.... that kind of ill-informed supposition would blend right on this thread.

Comments made on this thread are based on LOTS of imformation given by the op , ranging from she dislikes the wife , to calling her names and suggesting that the wife is interfering in their freindship.Wife doesnt stop her seeing her husband, she just doesnt like her or want to spend time with her.

Then again i dont think id want to spend time with someone who was so up their own arse they actually thought i felt threatened and cornered by their attractiveness .

Sk, i see why you did that, and think it entireley apropriate, presumably if either of them wanted to continue contact they would have said so.

SpiritualKnot · 23/08/2010 21:34

I backed off coz my female friend was embarrassed by the whole thing. Apologising to me for going out with him etc.

I didn't harbour feelings for my ex (but I did actually end up marrying someone who looked very similar to him actually).

Was at uni in another town at the time, so don't think it was seen as dropping them in a nasty way or anything. Saw her a few years later married to him with twin babies and we chatted normally... I think I was pretty hippyish back then and there wasn't anything really deep or meaningful going on for me.

dittany · 23/08/2010 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueshoes · 23/08/2010 21:43

Unlike the OP, SpiritualKnot has a life of her own. Spiritual does not need to meddle incessantly in others' intimacies and can take a hint.

dittany · 23/08/2010 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dignified · 23/08/2010 22:14

I doubt they even have a " relationship " . I wouldnt be surprised if the wife HASNT put conditions on it and hes just using her as an excuse to blow her off.

Seems strange that twice shes been invited to the house and twice the wife has made it more than clear. Bet husband sat there saying nothing thinking when will explorer get the hint ?

ninah · 23/08/2010 22:18

SK gracious and discreet, absolutely
you sound lovely

SpiritualKnot · 23/08/2010 23:01

Thank you...

WidowWadman · 23/08/2010 23:12

well, a cynic would say lovely enough for people to be grateful not to have her in their lives...

SpiritualKnot · 23/08/2010 23:15

Knew there'd be some comeback!

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