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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to stay friends with an ex?

307 replies

Explorer · 20/08/2010 15:49

In brief, an ex and I were together for eight years, and we split up five years ago. It was painful at first but we worked through the difficult times to become close and supportive friends. He's now married, with a baby. I'm really pleased for him - he always wanted to settle down. He's a brilliant devoted dad and it's lovely to see. The difficulty is that his wife has always felt so incredibly threatened by our friendship, and has put all sorts of conditions on it. She has barely ever even managed to be polite to me, she uninvited me from their wedding, she has stipulated that we are only "allowed" to see each other once a month (if that), and on the few occasions when I have visited their house she has never made me welcome (eating separately from us, making snide comments, turning the TV on loudly when we were talking, etc). I often end up feeling really upset after these visits - but the friendship matters to me and I guess it's worth sometimes feeling crap for.
Am I being unreasonable to hope that she would be able to trust him enough to see our friendship as just a friendship, nothing threatening, not something that she has to try to control or destroy? AIBU to hope that she would try to be friendly to me out of kindness to him? I realise that she feels jealous and insecure, but AIBU to think that she doesn't have to act out her feelings like a spoilt toddler?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 20/08/2010 23:58

does anyone else tell mil/dp/etc they post on mn?

unimportant whether she asks/tells him about mn postings.do we ask that of anyone else?

errrr hang on poster does mil know you said that...

wineandroses · 21/08/2010 00:04

You are his ex FFS. Stop quoting what he and you think - like you're still his partner. Leave him and his wife room to live their lives and accept she doesn't want you to be part of it. I repeat get a life of your own and accept his life is different now and you aren't so important. Sounds like you and your view of his views will only undermine his marriage - or is that what you want?

Original poster
Explorer · 21/08/2010 00:05

Geek of the week - We've been friends more or less since we were kids - we went to school together. We've been split up over 5 years.
Wineandroses - I have moved on in terms of partners and career! My last relationship lasted for three years (although we've split up - on good terms - now). And (as I've already said in this thread) I emphatically don't talk about my history with my friend.

OP posts:
dignified · 21/08/2010 00:06

I think its ridiculous of you to shove yourself down her throat when shes obviously doesnt like you. How are you ok with being in her house when your not welcome ? And i note you say you dont want " any of us " to be upset, referring to him, his wife, and yourself.

There is no " us " in this situation, they are married, they have a family, you are not included in this and should keep your beak out.

If it was me id have kicked you the fuck out, and his stuff wouldve been on your doorstep hours later. I cant imagine having a husband who gossips about me to some ex who has the balls to come and sit in my house and discuss my marriage.

Your prescance is not wanted in this marriage, by her anyway, why dont respect that and fuck off out of it ? Presumably she has not challenged you directly and youve took this as a sign to continue.

I think his wife is absoluteley correct in not wanting her husband to be freinds with you, theres something very unpleasant about what your doing.

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 21/08/2010 00:07

No SM, you misunderstand me.

I wondered whether OP had planned to tell him she posted this, if she had heard what she wanted to hear (that she and he are right and DW is unreasonable/loony) - as some kind of further 'evidence' to justify their continued pain-causing relationship - 'see, the MN jury thinks we are reasonable!'

scottishmummy · 21/08/2010 00:09

problem being you and he unifying aginst the wife.mean and cakculated.and i detect you both like it.you can psycho-babble and psedo-intellectualise about jealousy but you both know it upsets her.that is the cruel bit

Original poster
Explorer · 21/08/2010 00:15

Of course I wasn't planning to tell him. That's not my motivation at all. And it wouldn't be relevant either - he's in no doubt that it's ok to be friends with an ex and it's not ok to try to control who your spouse spends time with.
And if you'd read my reply just above SM, you'd know I didn't just want people to reassure me. I get that from my friends. And there are other forums I could have asked if I wanted unconditional acceptance from strangers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Explorer · 21/08/2010 00:18

Scottishmummy, your detection is way off here. I don't like it in the slightest.

OP posts:
dignified · 21/08/2010 00:22

Bollocks to whether he sees her jealousy as just an emotion or whatever , she doesnt like you , she doesnt want you around her family or in her home, why dont you respect that ?

Do you feel that because she is married to someone you once shagged she is obligated to accept you ? Do you inflict yourself on other people in a similar fashion, ie neighbours or others who clearly dont like you ?

If this was the other way round, would you accept it ? Fwiw, i dont think your that important to him actually, he sounds like a wanker and someones whos just using you to control his wife.

blueshoes · 21/08/2010 00:25

I would agree with expat and scottishmummy.

She is probably unreasonable. You are probably unreasonable. She trumps you. She married him. He married her.

You now need to go and get a life of your own.

dignified · 21/08/2010 00:26

he's in no doubt that it's ok to be friends with an ex and it's not ok to try to control who your spouse spends time with.

Its not ok to dismiss your wifes feelings, its not ok for her to be made to feel uncomfortable in your home , seriously, why do you support his ridiculous veiws ?
Do you really think what you doing is ok ?

scottishmummy · 21/08/2010 00:27

so if you care not for starnger pov why post?seems you sure like this a wee bit.you and he the liberal exes and she the "spoilt toddler"

tbh you paint this any way you wish but you have a beef about his wife,and like the tension.

sure you will dney this of course,but your derision of her and bigging up of you and he as unit ,speaks volumes

if you and he were so tight,so good.you'd still be together.but you arent.so moooove on

WidowWadman · 21/08/2010 00:31

Personally I think pre-existing friendships are more important. I couldn't be with someone who'd ask me to push a friend out of my life.

Giddyup · 21/08/2010 00:35

I should not post on this subject as I cannot be objective, but like a moth to the flame....
You sound just like someone I used to know, she also felt really strongly about staying friends with her exPs and she also tried to be friends with their new Partners.

She was really matey and had known all her exes years and was "nearly one of the lads", she loved to advise the exes about their new relationships too.

She didn't want any of them back, but she couldn't ever admit to herself that she loved her ExPs still holding a bit of a torch for her. Suffice to say none of it ended well

The way you post reminds me of her attitude and I have a horrid feeling in the bit of stomach as it all sounds so familiar...she unfortunately apparently still can't see that she wanted a special relationship with her these guys and wanted them to still have a thing for her.

This guy is married, with a child: build your own life

scottishmummy · 21/08/2010 00:39

hes needing to stop largeing it with his needy ex.end of.be afuckin man attend ti youyr immediate needs.wife and baby.stop bigging it up with the hanger on ex

Quattrocento · 21/08/2010 00:39

Your situation is the whole reason why it can be dangerous to get together with friends. You get together with a friend, the romance dies, then what? Even if it is possible for you to resume the friendship on its old terms (and I'm a bit sceptical about that) it's perfectly possible that third parties won't see it as a common-or-garden friendship.

I don't think you should see him any more. Just because it's causing friction in his marriage - which sounds a bit rocky tbh and as though it could do with having less friction.

Realise this will be a bit painful for you - but honestly think it's the only fair thing to do - for all of you.

mummysgoingmad · 21/08/2010 00:58

my god your getting a roasting beyond belief, and for very little reason imo.

as op has said about 10 times she goes round to the friend house on his request so she's not just inviting herself round.

i agree with you op, she's the one feeling threatened just because you used to be together. they are her feelings she has to deal with that not you!

i mean really, what is the big deal, i remain friends with past boyfriends, doesn't bother my dp in the slightest as he knows i wouldn't look at another man.

CoinOperatedGirl · 21/08/2010 01:03

I'm not sure, I have a tendancy towards the posessive/controlling end of the spectrum where dp is concerned. I realise this and battle it. I would love him to have friends etc, but he's not really a big socialiser. The only thing that gets my hackles up is when he isn't honest about friendships. Which with Dp is erm most of the time.

If your friend is being 100% honest with his dw about your friendship then I think she is being a bit unreasonable, but it's hard to overcome those jealous/insecure feelings. If he's ever been a bit sketchy about who is texting/calling, who he is meeting up with etc (you wouldn't necessarily know this) then she is NBU.

But my Dp isn't an honest person generally, he will tell a lie rather than discuss something every time. If your relationship is as transparent as stated and your ex communicates well with his dw, then yanbu.

NonnoMum · 21/08/2010 01:08

GET OUT OF HIS MARRIAGE, CAMILLA!!!!! [angry}

NonnoMum · 21/08/2010 01:11

Or even Angry

Cos I am.

That you have asked opinions, been (generally) roasted, but then validated your own behaviour by telling us all your RL friends and family think that his wife is BU so you will continue as you were.

So, as you were.

nomedoit · 21/08/2010 01:28

I think you get a big kick out of this, Explorer. It's seems like the dynamic is, 'He married her but she can't make him give me up.' You're quite clearly in a power struggle here with his wife. I think you like comnig between him and his wife. I find the whole thing quite sick, to be honest. You need to find a partner of your own and make your own life, and leave this family - because that's what he is part of now - alone.

chipmonkey · 21/08/2010 01:36

Nonno, do you know the OP or is that a charles/camilla reference?

chitchat07 · 21/08/2010 01:41

Ooh, NonnoMum, a RL friend/acquaintance???!!!

YANBU to hope for it op, but you are being pretty damn unreasonable in the way you are acting.

Your friend's wife is very distressed with the situation. Rightly or wrongly, that is the case. So what are you going to do about it? Continue seeing your friend and making his wife distressed? Or stop seeing your friend and just become friendly acquaintances, saying hello in passing and sending cards on appropriate occasions. Besides, however irrational I was being, if I was distressed over my DH's friendship with someone, as long as this was an isolated occassion (ie I was not controlling in other areas of his life), then I would damn well expect him to take my distress in consideration and take steps to prevent it, even if it meant not seeing said friend. And, I would do the same for my DH too. But then neither I nor my DH have chips on our shoulders about our partners being over controlling, which TBH I think is a BIG fault of your friends.

Besides, what does it say about him that he is willing for his DW to be so unhappy??

garageflower · 21/08/2010 02:32

Speaking as someone who admits to being overly-analytical, paranoid and insecure, (so maybe not the best source of advice) I think the fact that you initiated the break-up means that she will never feel comfortable with having you so closley involved with him. You may both genuinely not feel anything other than friendly towards each other but in her eyes, if you hadn't initiated it - you and him would still be together.

I think it's really hard to deal with being with someone when they are only available because someone else made the decision that caused them to be available. Rightly or wrongly, as far as his wife is concerned - the two of you will go out one night, get drunk and he will confess that he's still in love with you and would get back together with you in a heartbeat.

That's probably not the case but I can relate to that kind of paranoia. Doesn't mean it's rational but it's understandable. And, in fact, I know a lot of men in stable, long-term relationships who still talk about 'the one' and it's not the one they're with, it's the one that broke their heart.

garageflower · 21/08/2010 02:41

Ps. you mentioned, in your first post, that he'd always wanted to settle down. Now, we don't know the intricacies of your break-up but that implies that he wanted to settle down more than you did. If so, his wife is probably aware of that and maybe wonders that some of the reason they're together is because she also wanted to settle down, rather than she was the person he really wanted to settle down with.

I don't think you're being unreasonable in wanting to remain his friend if both intentions are genuine but I do think you're unreasonable for not seeing why it might be an issue and to be honest, I think you may have to accept that the friendship will peter out anyway, despite the closeness and history.