I'm pregnant, and DP's parents (and DP) think it is VERY importnat for the baby to raise in a house that isn't rented, but owned.
They have made a generous offer, but one that I think will have some bad consequences. Basically, they have said that if DP gets a better paying job (which he was going to do anyway and could reasonably do) and saves, and I move back to my family home when the baby is born, then they will match his savings (he already has significant savings, just needs a bit more) so that 'we' can get a deposit on a flat/house. They're saying this would be 6 months.
This does look like a good offer. Hiwever I have some issues with it:
- DP and I would be separated for 6 months, only seeing each other at weekends, me with a new baby who would rarely see its father. This is not the situation we agreed on, and DP isn't thrilled by it either.
- I don't get on with DP's family. If I had a good relationship with them perhaps I'd be more comfortable, but the amount we're talking about is tens of thousands. I don't want to live in a house that they have partially funded, and feel like this gives them leverage to be very controlling. I don't trust them not to exploit that, because they don't like me at all.
- I want to have an equal relationship with DP. If he outright owns the house and extra collateral comes from his parents, I feel extremely vulnerable. And as I am always going to be our child's main carer, it also puts the child in a vulnerable position.
- What if house prices increase, or DP can't save? It may turn into more than 6 months and tbh I want to have a proper family unit.
- My family really don't want me to go back to the family home. Not because there's an issue, but because they are a) aging and not used to children and don't think they can cope and b) think it would be bad for my self esteem, which I agree with.
I do understand the 'need' to own a property and the stability than can give. I just don't see why it has to be NOW. DP and I both have great earning potential and I have, as a compromise, suggested that when our child is 1, I transfer to a much better paying job and make saving for a house my priority (even though it isn't really, I can make it). DP can also save, and we will have our own house by the time our child is in primary school.
Am I being unreasonable? DP accuses me of being selfish not to accept the money and wanting everything 'my way'. But I feel like accepting the money is basically prising apart the family DP and I are trying to create, accepting money from people who severely dislike me, putting DP and I's relationship under a lot of stress, stopping him bonding with the child properly, and also making me beholden to his famiyl for ever.
I also think his parents know that, and don't really care. Perhaps that last is paranoia.
AIBU?
