Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to be happy about their offer?

191 replies

Mahraih · 06/08/2010 10:10

I'm pregnant, and DP's parents (and DP) think it is VERY importnat for the baby to raise in a house that isn't rented, but owned.

They have made a generous offer, but one that I think will have some bad consequences. Basically, they have said that if DP gets a better paying job (which he was going to do anyway and could reasonably do) and saves, and I move back to my family home when the baby is born, then they will match his savings (he already has significant savings, just needs a bit more) so that 'we' can get a deposit on a flat/house. They're saying this would be 6 months.

This does look like a good offer. Hiwever I have some issues with it:

  1. DP and I would be separated for 6 months, only seeing each other at weekends, me with a new baby who would rarely see its father. This is not the situation we agreed on, and DP isn't thrilled by it either.
  2. I don't get on with DP's family. If I had a good relationship with them perhaps I'd be more comfortable, but the amount we're talking about is tens of thousands. I don't want to live in a house that they have partially funded, and feel like this gives them leverage to be very controlling. I don't trust them not to exploit that, because they don't like me at all.
  3. I want to have an equal relationship with DP. If he outright owns the house and extra collateral comes from his parents, I feel extremely vulnerable. And as I am always going to be our child's main carer, it also puts the child in a vulnerable position.
  4. What if house prices increase, or DP can't save? It may turn into more than 6 months and tbh I want to have a proper family unit.
  5. My family really don't want me to go back to the family home. Not because there's an issue, but because they are a) aging and not used to children and don't think they can cope and b) think it would be bad for my self esteem, which I agree with.

I do understand the 'need' to own a property and the stability than can give. I just don't see why it has to be NOW. DP and I both have great earning potential and I have, as a compromise, suggested that when our child is 1, I transfer to a much better paying job and make saving for a house my priority (even though it isn't really, I can make it). DP can also save, and we will have our own house by the time our child is in primary school.

Am I being unreasonable? DP accuses me of being selfish not to accept the money and wanting everything 'my way'. But I feel like accepting the money is basically prising apart the family DP and I are trying to create, accepting money from people who severely dislike me, putting DP and I's relationship under a lot of stress, stopping him bonding with the child properly, and also making me beholden to his famiyl for ever.

I also think his parents know that, and don't really care. Perhaps that last is paranoia.

AIBU?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 07/08/2010 09:03

what a wholly unreasonable offer,no wonder you have reservations.my god you need to pull together with new baby not live apart.this is all very odd.dont think this is really about rental/mortgage is a bit more sinister.sorry to say

can any of your friends or family support you.good luck

Isawthreeships · 07/08/2010 09:05

Mahraih - hope your chat with your DP went OK and that you are resolving this together.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/08/2010 10:01

Mahraih - I hope things have gone well.

As others have said there are advantages to renting initially. The area I thought I wanted to live in before I had kids is not the area I want to live in now that I have them. Its not just about schools, its about parks, shops, clubs (kids not night Hmm), sports facilities, parent and child activities etc. At least if you rent in an area you can "test drive" it for 6 /12 months and see if it is a family friendly as you thought.

BTW DH and I own a house now which went into joint names even though I contributed the entire purchase price from the sale of a property I bought years before we married. DH's financial contribution is mainly indirect as he is a WAHD which saves us a fortune in childcare costs but means he doesn't earn much from his business. Even if we weren't married I don't think it would be fair to suggest he has made a lesser contribution by putting his earning potential on hold than I have by moving my career forward - hence joint names.

eagerbeagle · 07/08/2010 16:25

Mahraih - I back up everything that has been said.

let us know how it works out.

katiestar · 07/08/2010 19:24

Well I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I am repeating others.
If fis parents are contributing (poosibly a a substantial amount0 to this house, I think it is very very likely that they will insist on it being in his name only.What will happen if you split ( I assume as you refer to him as DP that you are not married).You will be left with absolutely nothing.If his parents motives were not dodgy why would they not just give you the contribution they can afford/are willing to part with, without imposing all these conditions? the wanting him to earn a higher salary bit smacks of wanting him to be able to afford the mortgage on his own.

howdidthishappenthen · 07/08/2010 22:00

WHOA. Yadnbu. Back AWAY from that offer like it has herpes. Not at ALL a happy situation.

caramelwaffle · 07/08/2010 23:28

howdidthishappen then - "Back AWAY from that offer like it has herpes."

Apologies, but I did have to laugh out VERY loud at this.

Howdidthishappen is quite right.

Northernlurker · 07/08/2010 23:34

This isn't an offer. it's a threat to your future. Have nothing to do with it

DorotheaPlenticlew · 08/08/2010 00:03

What a sad thread. OP, whatever happens, best of luck to you and your baby; sounds like you'll need it.

morethan1 · 08/08/2010 00:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heracles · 08/08/2010 05:19

That sounds at best mental and at worst rather sinister.

Say no, politely, then change the locks. Smile

aurynne · 08/08/2010 07:05

Hi Mahraih, there is so much great advice in this thread that I feel I can't contribute with anything new. But I wanted to tell you that you sound like an incredibly intelligent and mature mom-to-be, and I am sure you are perfectly capable to give your baby a great start in life without needing your ILs to meddle with your and your DP's life.

Please don't let anyone bully you into doing something that you believe wouldn't be in your family's best interest. It doesn't matter who that anyone is.

Whatever happens, I wish all the best for you and your little family.

Talking about something else... how are you feeling about that beautiful baby coming? You must be so excited!!! :)

Original poster
Mahraih · 09/08/2010 08:52

Sorry for the delay with the update: I'm going to read through all the new posts (but suspect I know what they're going to say!)

DP and I had dinner on Friday, I had printed out all the posts on here and read them through with him.

No argument, no anger ... he seemed to take it all on board and it opened his eyes to a lot of issues that he had previously not thought about i.e. how that situation would affect me financially and legally.

I told him (again) that I would be willing to make buying a property my priority, as long as it was with him, as an equal. We then decided to 'have a think' about it. I felt a lot better though, because it seemed he had really internalised what the thread had said, and realised that it wasn't be being irrational.

Last night I brought it up again, told him that I needed him to make a firm decision, and ... he found it very difficult. He keeps saying, "I love you, and I want to live with you" and then qualifying it with a worry about finances, or telling his parents.

In the end I just switched off, really. He's 26, and if he can't either a) listen to what his parents have to say, horrid as it will be, and stick to his guns or b) manage to extricate himself from a nasty conversation then I really can't rely on him to ... be reliable! I want to believe him when he says he loves me and wants to live with me (I do believe he WANTS, I just don't believe he will actually DO it)

Having read this thread over and over, I've realised that if DP is unable to say that it IS his decision to live with me, and make that known to his parents properly, then I'll have to make my own arrangements. I told him that this morning. That I would try to get my own place, but that he would still be welcome to come for scans etc. It would though, I think, mean the end of our relationship. I'm not willing to keep sleeping with the father of my baby, who was unable to stick by me.

So ... yes, that's the situation. This thread did help, and brought up a lot of things that we needed to discuss. Now, it's just about him being able to be an adult. His parents won't treat him like an adult, or accept his decision without a big fight (though really, they should) so it's up to him.

I've given him a couple of days to speak to them, but in the meantine I'm going to start looking at studio places, and talking to Gingerbread etc. I've realised that if I 'let' him, he'll procrastinate over the issue for a loooong time and I'm not willing to deal with that at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mahraih · 09/08/2010 08:54

Aurynne: just read your message. I'm feeling ... well scared and a bit overwhelmed, but very excited about the baby!

I've bought it some socks Grin and keep popping into mothercare for a lear at the baby clothes.

Despite all the issues, I'm really happy about the baby now :)

OP posts:
Fibilou · 09/08/2010 08:55

Mairaih, I cannot believe that your DH and PIL think that it's VERY important that a baby is raised in an owned property but not that its parents live together.

Very odd

Fibilou · 09/08/2010 08:57

And you say that they profoundly dislike you - it sounds to me that they are hoping it will split you up

Margeaux · 09/08/2010 08:59

For what it's worth I think you're doing the right thing. Well done on being strong and independant - shame your DP doesn't take a leaf out of your book.

I hope he comes up trumps - and very soon.

Best of luck to you x

Margeaux · 09/08/2010 09:00

Fibilou - I think so too. Unfortunately it's almost worked Sad

Bellepink · 09/08/2010 09:16

Haven't read all of thread and I'm sure it's been said already, but basically NO WAY should you agree to this crazy scheme!

I can't understand at all why his parents would even consider physically splitting you up before the birth of your baby, dangling a carrot of a house before you. It's unreasonable. Either give the financial help or don't but it's totally barbaric unreasonable to attach this particular set of conditions to the offer of hindrance help.

Now you two are having words over it and you are talking about going it alone and possibly splitting up - terrible! His parents should feel ashamed of themselves for putting this on vulnerable parents-to-be. Don't let the seed of splitting up be sown unless you are/were unhappy for significant other reason than this situation.

The baby will be fine in rented property until you are in a position to buy a property. It's not a race against time!!!!

Good luck with your baby and the future, you sound lovely. xx

twolittlemonkeys · 09/08/2010 09:21

Just caught up with the rest of the thread. Sounds like you got it spot on talking to your DP. I hope he sees sense, but if not, it's good that you are protecting your and baby's interests by acting independently rather than taking up the offer from his nut job parents.

Isawthreeships · 09/08/2010 09:55

Oh, Mahraih, what a strong, brave post. It must be incredibly hard for you at the moment. I really hope that the time to think brings your DP to his senses. If not, it's great to think that your baby has such a wonderful mum, capable of putting his/her needs first.

Original poster
Mahraih · 09/08/2010 11:15

Margeux: I hope he comes up trumps too! :(

I was just thinking how desperately sad it would be if we split up. We were so, so happy before all this and I strongly believe we could be very happy together with Baby, if his parents would just accept that we have the right to TRY. I love him so much, and do feel very sorry for him being torn between his parents and me.

But everyone is right. I have to be brave enough to be willing to leave, and let fate take its course. He does love me, but I don't know if that will be enough for him to break the habits of a lifetime.

OP posts:
skidoodly · 09/08/2010 14:11

Well done Mahraih, you are amazing. There's no way I had such a good head on my shoulders at 22. Probably don't even now TBH.

Isaw is right, your baby is lucky to have such a great mum.

Hopefully your DP will get brave enough to realise that if he's going to be a father he needs to be able to stand up to his parents and live his own life.

Until he does though, I think you're right not to wait for him.

TartyMcFarty · 09/08/2010 14:12

Sounds to me like you're the one with balls in this relationship. DP needs to grow a pair. Stick to your guns Mahraih, and hopefully his parents' scheming will come to nothing.

MadAboutQuavers · 09/08/2010 16:58

Just wanted to big you up Mahraih; you're one hell of a strong lady.

Whatever happends in the future (and don't forget anything could happen yet - you're still a young 'un!) - lucky baby will have a great mum to take care of him/her and show him/her right from wrong... :)