Not to be happy about their offer?

[Mahraih]

I'm pregnant, and DP's parents (and DP) think it is VERY importnat for the baby to raise in a house that isn't rented, but owned.

They have made a generous offer, but one that I think will have some bad consequences. Basically, they have said that if DP gets a better paying job (which he was going to do anyway and could reasonably do) and saves, and I move back to my family home when the baby is born, then they will match his savings (he already has significant savings, just needs a bit more) so that 'we' can get a deposit on a flat/house. They're saying this would be 6 months.

This does look like a good offer. Hiwever I have some issues with it:

1. DP and I would be separated for 6 months, only seeing each other at weekends, me with a new baby who would rarely see its father. This is not the situation we agreed on, and DP isn't thrilled by it either.
   
2. I don't get on with DP's family. If I had a good relationship with them perhaps I'd be more comfortable, but the amount we're talking about is tens of thousands. I don't want to live in a house that they have partially funded, and feel like this gives them leverage to be very controlling. I don't trust them not to exploit that, because they don't like me at all.
   
3. I want to have an equal relationship with DP. If he outright owns the house and extra collateral comes from his parents, I feel extremely vulnerable. And as I am always going to be our child's main carer, it also puts the child in a vulnerable position.
   
4. What if house prices increase, or DP can't save? It may turn into more than 6 months and tbh I want to have a proper family unit.
   
5. My family really don't want me to go back to the family home. Not because there's an issue, but because they are a) aging and not used to children and don't think they can cope and b) think it would be bad for my self esteem, which I agree with.
   
   
   I do understand the 'need' to own a property and the stability than can give. I just don't see why it has to be NOW. DP and I both have great earning potential and I have, as a compromise, suggested that when our child is 1, I transfer to a much better paying job and make saving for a house my priority (even though it isn't really, I can make it). DP can also save, and we will have our own house by the time our child is in primary school.
   
   Am I being unreasonable? DP accuses me of being selfish not to accept the money and wanting everything 'my way'. But I feel like accepting the money is basically prising apart the family DP and I are trying to create, accepting money from people who severely dislike me, putting DP and I's relationship under a lot of stress, stopping him bonding with the child properly, and also making me beholden to his famiyl for ever.
   
   I also think his parents know that, and don't really care. Perhaps that last is paranoia.
   
   AIBU?

[boiledegg1]

Good luck, I'm glad you managed to work something out that you are more comfortable with.

[ChippingIn]

Mahraih

Well done you. I am immensely proud of you!!

It isn't over yet and wont be for years, if ever. His relationship with his parents is flawed and he fears their reaction far too much. He was unable to 'give you an answer' until he'd spoken to them!? The two of you should have made a decision together, then they should have been told what that decision was. He isn't behaving like an adult, in a relationship, about to have a child - but like a child himself.

I know you are on cloud 9 now and I don't want to drag you down, but please... when you are looking at places, only look at places you could afford (with tax credits etc) by yourself - you need that security, to know that you can tell him to sod off back to his parents if it all goes bum up without having to move again.

You are very mature for your age, your career looks to be on a good path - you can give this baby a good life on your own. Be with him if he is adding to this, walk away if he is detracting from this.

Please let us know how you get on.

I would say Good Luck - but you don't need it, you have intelligence, common sense & strength of character x

[Margeaux]

So glad to hear things are going well.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

I'm sure you will keep advocating for yourself nicely, Mahraih. Glad to hear things are going alright at the moment.

[Mahraih]

Thanks all :)

Have asked DP that we have a sit down and discuss timelines etc for moving in ... he was a bit tipsy when I mentioned it but happy to do so

Fingers crossed. And karmabeliever, I will definitely stay on the ball: I don't think it's over yet.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Wishing you the best of luck with everything. I don't think you are out of the woods yet tbh and think his parents will change tack, so you will have to stay on the ball.

Make sure that whatever home you do end up getting, that both of your names are on the lease/mortgage. Same with savings and bank accounts.

If your DP does take money form his parents, they will probably try to use that as leverage in some way. Just remember that you owe them nothing and feel free to disregard their attempts to manipulate you. Stay strong and they won't be able to contol what happens in your life

[skidoodly]

Good news, best of luck with everything.

I think you might start to feel on solider ground when your DP learns how to make a firm decision before running it past his parents.

[MadAboutQuavers]

Very positive step - good for your DP, Mahraih! :)

[ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave]

I'd still be paranoid about his parents, if I were you, but at least it sounds as though your DP has got his priorities straight. Hurrah!

[caramelwaffle]

Good luck with everything!

[Mahraih]

Bit of an update.

DP refused to give me what I consider a 'proper' answer until he'd spoken to his parents. Out of fear, I think, that they'd somehow change his mind.

But apparently, they didn't. It sounds from what DP has said that for once, they didn't unleash the fury on him. Hid father, apparently said, "start looking at properties and then see what you think of our offer" i.e. the properties will be so scummy that you'll come running back. Never mind that I have been looking at properties for weeks and know EXACTLY what we can afford.

Anyway. Yes, I am happy. DP has now said we should start viewing properties, which I'm very pleased about. I still don't feel I'm on solid ground yet, and wonder how long it would take to feel 'safe'.

Ballstoit: in DP's defence, he has always maintained that he wouldn't leave me to bring Baby up alone, and that if I kept it he'd stick by me. His parents' plan kind of twisted what it meant to 'stick by' me, which I always viewed as being a proper half of the parental unit but which, clearly, they didn't.

DorotheaPlenticlew: also desperately hoping that Baby will make DP feel more like a parent, and realise how things are.

Anyway ... luckily I'm not having to agree to DP's parents' offer. I'm very relieved, and glad that DP have come through this together. It's just going to take a while for me to stop being twitchy and paranoid. Which is probably a good thing!

[DorotheaPlenticlew]

More good luck wishes to you, Mahraih. I'm afraid I don't think much of him at all though, he sounds a bit wet. Maybe he'll step up his game when he meets his child.

Having a baby rocks, by the way. You'll love it, other things notwithstanding. Their heads smell really good :)

[ballstoit]

Sorry I just want to clarify this; he's happy to tell his parents that he is leaving you to bring the baby up alone buut he will get to go to the scans and stuff? And he would rather tell them this than refuse their offer to pay a deposit for a house for you?

It's about time he grew a pair...no good making a baby if he's not got the balls to be a good dad.

[zazen]

You don't have to own your own house for you to be a family!!! What a thought! Most families in the world don't own their own house....

being a family is important and that means being together.

I think their offer stinks, and that they are using their money to manipulate you.

Don't fall for it. Spend those babymoon months all together.

You'll get a house soon enough if you want one, but a baby is only a tiny scrap for such a short time.. it would be madness to miss out on this special time

I'm also confused and just can't see why if they want to help you they don't just help you - all these strings sound very suspect.

[minipie]

Well done Mahraih.

Hopefully he will grow a spine and decide sticking with you and his child is worth annoying his parents and forgoing their "kind" offer.

[Silver1]

Mahraih good for you- I am sure it hurts like Hell right now, but he needs to decide his priority the spitefulness happiness of his parents, or the loving relationship he has with his baby's mother

[MadAboutQuavers]

Just wanted to big you up Mahraih; you're one hell of a strong lady.

Whatever happends in the future (and don't forget anything could happen yet - you're still a young 'un!) - lucky baby will have a great mum to take care of him/her and show him/her right from wrong... :)

[TartyMcFarty]

Sounds to me like you're the one with balls in this relationship. DP needs to grow a pair. Stick to your guns Mahraih, and hopefully his parents' scheming will come to nothing.

[skidoodly]

Well done Mahraih, you are amazing. There's no way I had such a good head on my shoulders at 22. Probably don't even now TBH.

Isaw is right, your baby is lucky to have such a great mum.

Hopefully your DP will get brave enough to realise that if he's going to be a father he needs to be able to stand up to his parents and live his own life.

Until he does though, I think you're right not to wait for him.

[Mahraih]

Margeux: I hope he comes up trumps too! :(

I was just thinking how desperately sad it would be if we split up. We were so, so happy before all this and I strongly believe we could be very happy together with Baby, if his parents would just accept that we have the right to TRY. I love him so much, and do feel very sorry for him being torn between his parents and me.

But everyone is right. I have to be brave enough to be willing to leave, and let fate take its course. He does love me, but I don't know if that will be enough for him to break the habits of a lifetime.

[Isawthreeships]

Oh, Mahraih, what a strong, brave post. It must be incredibly hard for you at the moment. I really hope that the time to think brings your DP to his senses. If not, it's great to think that your baby has such a wonderful mum, capable of putting his/her needs first.

[twolittlemonkeys]

Just caught up with the rest of the thread. Sounds like you got it spot on talking to your DP. I hope he sees sense, but if not, it's good that you are protecting your and baby's interests by acting independently rather than taking up the offer from his nut job parents.

[Bellepink]

Haven't read all of thread and I'm sure it's been said already, but basically NO WAY should you agree to this crazy scheme!

I can't understand at all why his parents would even consider physically splitting you up before the birth of your baby, dangling a carrot of a house before you. It's unreasonable. Either give the financial help or don't but it's totally barbaric unreasonable to attach this particular set of conditions to the offer of hindrance help.

Now you two are having words over it and you are talking about going it alone and possibly splitting up - terrible! His parents should feel ashamed of themselves for putting this on vulnerable parents-to-be. Don't let the seed of splitting up be sown unless you are/were unhappy for significant other reason than this situation.

The baby will be fine in rented property until you are in a position to buy a property. It's not a race against time!!!!

Good luck with your baby and the future, you sound lovely. xx

[Margeaux]

Fibilou - I think so too. Unfortunately it's almost worked

[Margeaux]

For what it's worth I think you're doing the right thing. Well done on being strong and independant - shame your DP doesn't take a leaf out of your book.

I hope he comes up trumps - and very soon.

Best of luck to you x