Not to be happy about their offer?

[Mahraih]

I'm pregnant, and DP's parents (and DP) think it is VERY importnat for the baby to raise in a house that isn't rented, but owned.

They have made a generous offer, but one that I think will have some bad consequences. Basically, they have said that if DP gets a better paying job (which he was going to do anyway and could reasonably do) and saves, and I move back to my family home when the baby is born, then they will match his savings (he already has significant savings, just needs a bit more) so that 'we' can get a deposit on a flat/house. They're saying this would be 6 months.

This does look like a good offer. Hiwever I have some issues with it:

1. DP and I would be separated for 6 months, only seeing each other at weekends, me with a new baby who would rarely see its father. This is not the situation we agreed on, and DP isn't thrilled by it either.
   
2. I don't get on with DP's family. If I had a good relationship with them perhaps I'd be more comfortable, but the amount we're talking about is tens of thousands. I don't want to live in a house that they have partially funded, and feel like this gives them leverage to be very controlling. I don't trust them not to exploit that, because they don't like me at all.
   
3. I want to have an equal relationship with DP. If he outright owns the house and extra collateral comes from his parents, I feel extremely vulnerable. And as I am always going to be our child's main carer, it also puts the child in a vulnerable position.
   
4. What if house prices increase, or DP can't save? It may turn into more than 6 months and tbh I want to have a proper family unit.
   
5. My family really don't want me to go back to the family home. Not because there's an issue, but because they are a) aging and not used to children and don't think they can cope and b) think it would be bad for my self esteem, which I agree with.
   
   
   I do understand the 'need' to own a property and the stability than can give. I just don't see why it has to be NOW. DP and I both have great earning potential and I have, as a compromise, suggested that when our child is 1, I transfer to a much better paying job and make saving for a house my priority (even though it isn't really, I can make it). DP can also save, and we will have our own house by the time our child is in primary school.
   
   Am I being unreasonable? DP accuses me of being selfish not to accept the money and wanting everything 'my way'. But I feel like accepting the money is basically prising apart the family DP and I are trying to create, accepting money from people who severely dislike me, putting DP and I's relationship under a lot of stress, stopping him bonding with the child properly, and also making me beholden to his famiyl for ever.
   
   I also think his parents know that, and don't really care. Perhaps that last is paranoia.
   
   AIBU?

[Ephiny]

I agree, definitely don't do it. You say he already has reasonable savings, plus you both have good earning potential in the longer term - so surely the two you could move into a small rented flat/house together, and save for a deposit to buy a place together in a few years time. If you're serious about being a family, it would be worth considering getting married, it really would simplify a lot of these legal/financial issues around shared households - that's essentially what it's for! I was quite anti-marriage for a long time (old-fashioned, patriarchal institution, don't need a piece of paper to prove how I feel about him etc etc) but recently am starting to see the practical use of it!

And think it would be best for both of you to avoid taking any money or assistance from his parents if there's any way you can manage without it. If they were offering it as a gift to help their son and his new family get started in their life together, then of course that would be kind and generous of them. However when it's specifically for him, not for the family, and comes with all these weird, arbitrary conditions attached - I wouldn't touch it. It sounds like they're way over-involved in their son's life, and he's happy for it to be that way, which doesn't seem like a healthy relationship. He's a grown man, and soon to be a father, he needs to show a bit of character and independence, and be straight with you about what you can expect from him in the coming years.

[Mahraih]

Missedith: without tax credits etc I couldn't afford to a) put baby in childcare or b) rent a place of my own.

I don't have savings: I'm 22 and have student debt. Without benefits, my earnings wouldn't be enough to support a baby, such as they are at the moment.

It's not the forms: I'd fill in as many forms as it took. It's the fear that DP would leave me in the lurch, with no way of paying rent and childcare. A few weeks off is a grand in childcare and more than a month's rent. Ideally, DP would assist if this happened.

I wish I had savings now, but I funded myself through university and everything went on that. And I hate having to make decisions based on money, but I honestly wouldn't be able to survive with baby, if this situation occured.

I'm researching what does happen - I think you can take out emergency loans and there is an extenuating circumstances fund. I don't want cash to affect my decision, as that isn't what it should be about.

[Mahraih]

Sigh, I hate my last post, it looks very mercantile.

I DO want to live with DP, but if it got to the stage where I was living alone (i.e. we had had an argument and things were bad) I wouldn't feel comfortable living with him full time until it was a good bet that we'd stay together.

I'd be worried that his parents would encourage him to walk out, leaving me no time to sort finances out again and be able to stand on my own two feet. I'm almost sure DP wouldn't do that, but now, I'm just so suspicious of eeerything ...

Does this make sense?

[SanctiMoanyArse]

WTF?

They think if you separate for 6 months your DP willrealise the error of his ways and find soemone new and you will sod off

Say no

DH's Mum is simialr; when she needed cash and after we'd been married a good few eyars with 3 kids she rang to say it was time for DH to move back in with her and take his role of running her house

Some in laws are nuts and malicious

Mosta ren;t but some are

[CarGirl]

Mahraih honestly find yourself somewhere to rent now, and make a decision later as to whether to let your dp move in. How long until your due date?

I believe now that child maintenance is not decducted off housing and council tax benefit so you can save that money and keep it as a nest egg when he moves in, so it's there if he moves out IYSWIM.

I would just worry about you and the baby and leave him to make his own mind up without you pressurising him/arguing against his parents ideas. Refuse to move in to a mortgaged home without your name being on the deeds etc Getting a mortgage together is a huge commitment as is having a baby all the more reason for you to rent together before making your lives even more financially entangled through a property purchase.

[Jux]

Please, if you don't feel he is reliable enough then just sort yourself out without him - it will be easier in the long run. Lots of people do it, manage on benefits, manage on low paid jobs etc. You will find a way. If he can't make this commitment to you and his child then don't get entangled in the first place.

[quaere]

YANBU on all counts. You can keep renting for a bit yet. It's only the British who get their tits in a twist about having their 'own house' (not your own until you've paid off the ginormous mortgage of course)

[CarGirl]

Then when you finally have paid for it outright you have to sell it to pay for your care......lots of advantages to just renting.

[fluffles]

Mahraih - are you going to get maternity pay? how long can you stay off work?

If i were you (which i know i'm not and we're all different) i would find myself a 1-bed or studio flat i could afford for now and during maternity leave.. i would encourage DP to move in but i would ensure i could afford to stay through to the end of maternity leave. DPs contribution to the rent can go into savings for later.

that way you and DP are living together for those crucial first few months.

then, when it comes time to go back to work you can re-evaluate where you are with DP, how much you want to/need to work, what is best re living arrangements and childcare.

[bleedingheart]

As others have said, I have a strong suspicion that 6 months will become a year etc.

I would have thought DP would want to live with you at your parents (I know they are not keen but the fact he is happy to miss out on this time with the baby is not encouraging).

I don't understand why his parents would put these seemingly arbitrary conditions on their offer if they weren't up to something.

You really need to talk clearly and honestly. I don't know if showing this thread will help, as the attacks on his parents might cement his position.

FWIW, I feel you are trying to convince yourself he 'really is a lovely guy' and I worry for you. This needs to be sorted quickly and please, please don't pay into a house you have no claim over. Even if his parents don't 'win' this time, they'll be further battles.

[bleedingheart]

Sorry missed a word - they'll be engineering future battles

[IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat]

Good God!

That is utterly insane. They sound bonkers.

Tell your DP the answer is NO and that's that!

[radstar]

Another vote for DON'T DO IT

A baby doesn't need you to own your own home they just need mummy and daddy to care for them together if possible

The in laws sound horrible controlling people, I wouldn't to be beholden to them or anyone else even my own family.

Stick to your guns and trust your instincts. Your dp shouldn't call you selfish just because you don't agree, although I can sympathise that he doesn't want to think of his parents as being horrible people trying to ostracise the mother of his child

[wagonweel]

Another thought here - how do your in-laws plan to see the baby once it arrives if you are living so far away with your parents for the first 6mths. Surely it would be better for them to be able to visit you and their son in your own accomodation.

If you dont get on with them its hardly going to be convenient for them to visit you at your parents home. Surely the best way of them getting to see the new baby is to visit you and their son in your own place (be it rented or mortgaged).

I am sorry, but it doesnt sound like their idea is in anyones best interest at all, least of all the new baby.

[HelenaCC]

YANBU
This offer is already causing trouble between yr DP and yourself. He should not be calling you selfish for trying to keep your fledgeling family together. It would be selfish to accept the money at the expense of separating your child from their father. It would also be very selfish of your DP to accept his parents' offer of money and agree to abandon you and and his child and finally it would be selfish to expect your parents to support you rather than the traditional father supporting role.

It sounds like you neeed to handle your dp carefully as his parent's offer has already made him turn against you a bit. He needs to be supported that he can provide for his family himself and not be undermined by the offer of easy money from family. Good luck to you both.

[landrover]

bump

[missedith01]

OP - I see, but I think I would not even consider moving in with someone in these circs who wasn't prepared to set up, from their considerable savings, an emergency account containing 3 months rent and bills money in case of emergency (loss of job, death of one of you, whatever).

He is affecting your income by living with you because the benefit system assumes you will support each other. In my book, if that's not the case, then he doesn't get to move in. You can't put yourself in the position where you'll be unable to support yourself and baby and you're unsure that he'll support you.

And YANBU on the original post. Never heard anything like it. I'm afraid that you're right and they really don't like you. Pass on the "generous" offer and go your own way.

[Isawthreeships]

Another YANBU, don't do it. Gifts should come with no strings attached, otherwise it isn't a gift.

You and your DP are young, there is plenty of time to save for a house. As for rent being 'burning money' your DP needs to think about that very carefully. Owning a house is costly - not just the mortgage but also the insurance, maintenance, decorating etc. Then there's always the time the boiler breaks down on Xmas eve. At the moment, with the housing market so flat, it's really not such a bad deal financially to rent. In a couple of years time, there'll be better deals on mortgages around, you'll have a bit more money, know where the good schools are etc and can buy a place by yourselves.

It does sound like your DP has very controlling parents. It will be hard for him to break away and stand up to them so you need to help him handle the situation gently but firmly.

[Megatron]

This is AWFUL. Sorry but I think they are trying to prise you apart. They are trying to break up your family before your baby is even here! They sound quite awful and tbh I think your DP needs to stop thinking about cash and about the child you have both created. Lots of people rent, save (themselves!) and buy when they can afford it. I feel really sorry for you being put in such a horrible situation and I really hope it works out.

[deemented]

How did it go, Mahraih?

[NonnoMum]

I think it is much more important to be married than to own a home together. Not for the wedding day, but for the legal consequences/status etc etc.

Loads of people will disagree with me, but think about it.

Apart form anything, your assets would be held jointly (i.e house)

[Sibble]

OK I guess I stand to be shouted down here but I don't necessarily think the in-laws are bad people, I think they are old fashioned, misguided and have their son's interests at heart (not a bad thing). The pregnancy wasn't planned and he wasn't thrilled, assuming he expressed this to them they have a very biased opinion of the situation. I can understand their logic of not paying too rents if you are not living together, the logic of you moving home to save money and the long term benefits of home ownership.

However, I think whatever their motives an offer with conditions is very wrong. I can also say that dh (dp at the time) worked away during the week for the first year ds1 was born, it was unbelievably hard even with family near by. I was working full time to help pay the mortgage etc.....and ds1 was a 'surprise' as well. I couldn't imagine having a new baby and living with anybody else, far too hard even if they are your own parents.

I agree there is nothing wrong with renting, saving and seeing how things go, the fist step is to see if you can live with each other and whether this is for the long term - hard with a new baby in the mix.

You sound very grounded and I'm sure you will do the right thing for you and the baby. Do whatever your heart is telling you is right, but don't put him in a position between his parents and you - a recipe for disaster.