Not to be happy about their offer?

[Mahraih]

I'm pregnant, and DP's parents (and DP) think it is VERY importnat for the baby to raise in a house that isn't rented, but owned.

They have made a generous offer, but one that I think will have some bad consequences. Basically, they have said that if DP gets a better paying job (which he was going to do anyway and could reasonably do) and saves, and I move back to my family home when the baby is born, then they will match his savings (he already has significant savings, just needs a bit more) so that 'we' can get a deposit on a flat/house. They're saying this would be 6 months.

This does look like a good offer. Hiwever I have some issues with it:

1. DP and I would be separated for 6 months, only seeing each other at weekends, me with a new baby who would rarely see its father. This is not the situation we agreed on, and DP isn't thrilled by it either.
   
2. I don't get on with DP's family. If I had a good relationship with them perhaps I'd be more comfortable, but the amount we're talking about is tens of thousands. I don't want to live in a house that they have partially funded, and feel like this gives them leverage to be very controlling. I don't trust them not to exploit that, because they don't like me at all.
   
3. I want to have an equal relationship with DP. If he outright owns the house and extra collateral comes from his parents, I feel extremely vulnerable. And as I am always going to be our child's main carer, it also puts the child in a vulnerable position.
   
4. What if house prices increase, or DP can't save? It may turn into more than 6 months and tbh I want to have a proper family unit.
   
5. My family really don't want me to go back to the family home. Not because there's an issue, but because they are a) aging and not used to children and don't think they can cope and b) think it would be bad for my self esteem, which I agree with.
   
   
   I do understand the 'need' to own a property and the stability than can give. I just don't see why it has to be NOW. DP and I both have great earning potential and I have, as a compromise, suggested that when our child is 1, I transfer to a much better paying job and make saving for a house my priority (even though it isn't really, I can make it). DP can also save, and we will have our own house by the time our child is in primary school.
   
   Am I being unreasonable? DP accuses me of being selfish not to accept the money and wanting everything 'my way'. But I feel like accepting the money is basically prising apart the family DP and I are trying to create, accepting money from people who severely dislike me, putting DP and I's relationship under a lot of stress, stopping him bonding with the child properly, and also making me beholden to his famiyl for ever.
   
   I also think his parents know that, and don't really care. Perhaps that last is paranoia.
   
   AIBU?

[TheCrackFox]

Also don't forget that you and your DP will gain a huge amount of pride by buying your own home with out financial help from anyone.

[manchestermummy]

YANBU.

My FIL tried something similar (he wanted to buy our house from us making off with our equity, give it to my SIL and we'd then buy half of his house) and we said no. It's damaged our relationship, but frankly my life with DH and DD is more important.

Again, YANBU!!!

[milliemoosmum]

Another theory here. Is DP their pfb? Maybe they are trying to protect him from the difficulties/sleepless nights etc you get with a newborn.
How does your DP feel about their offer. I would be peed off if my DH had even considered something like this tbh.

[violethill]

OMG this takes control freakery to a new level! There have been a few threads in this vein lately - parents trying to control their adult children's lives, under the guise of 'helping' them.

Steer well clear. It's actually quite disgusting that they are proposing the child's father is actually separated from his child for much of the first six months.

I also agree with Thecrackfox. You will feel that it is your achievement when you and your partner set up home together. You are adults, and need to be treated as such.

[BaronessBomburst]

YANBU!

Maybe they don't want you living together now because then the bank will insist that the mortgage is in joint names, giving you rights to the house and 'their' money. Your name will show up on credit searches, the Voters Roll etc and it will be easy to link you to DP. Six months apart and it'll look like you've split up.

And fancy forcing their son to live apart from his baby for money! That's disgusting behaviour. Poor baby. :(

[dinkystinky]

YANBU - suggesting you and your partner live apart for the first 6 months of the baby's life is crazy! Those first months are so precious and your DP will miss so much - and you and the baby will miss him so much.

FWIW, I think your suggested alternative sounds much more sensible. What is the rush about buying somewhere NOW? Why wont your ILs offer be available when your baby is 1 year old? Sounds well fishy to me.

[Mahraih]

Sanielle: DP and I are not married and originally he wasn't thrilled about the baby. He now wants it, but I'm not completely comfortable yet. Neither of us want to break up, we're very much in love, but I am trying to be realistic. At some point I MAY need a place for me/baby.

LIZS: I would be about an hour and a half away via train, which isn't too bad. But we would see each other once per week. And I don't feel comfortable/welcome at DP's parents' home so he would end up coming to me.

foureleven: the home would be in DP's name. I would be more comfortable having a shared home but as I would have paid nothing towards it, would never expect that to be the case. He would live in his parents' home.

MmeRedWhiteandBlueberry: No marriage! DP and I are very much in love, but neither of us want marriage just yet.

Hassled: I am going to show him this thread!

In answer to other questions: we're not currently living together, no. We were planning to move into a rented flat. We can afford it but intially i.e. until we got better paying jobs, money would be tight. I don't mind a year of scrimping, for the chance to be autonomous later.

Thanks for all the replies: I was hoping to hear this sort of thing as it's exactly what I thought. I just don't understand why the time frame and the need for me/baby to be so far away.

[skidoodly]

Sounds like they are trying to split you up.

This is a crazy idea.

The fact that your dp thinks you are selfish not to move in with your parents and have your baby alone so his parents will buy him a house is very worrying.

[TheCrackFox]

Move into a rented flat and scrimp for a year. It will be character building.

An hour and a half away from your DP, when you have just had a baby. I had assumed you would be in the same town. Your in-laws sound very manipulative and you need to start your family life as you mean to go on. You, DP and your baby need to be together.

[ValiumSingleton]

Wow, they have it all worked out don't they!?

Their priorities are not your priorities. I don't own my own home and I really, really want to. I am saving too. I still think that their plan to separate you is bizarre. If they can help, they should help you, but it shouldn't be with such a bizarre condition.

[Mahraih]

Yes, I think they are just trying to separate us from each other ... when I say this to DP though I feel paranoid and shrill, and ungrateful.

He keeps saying that now that there's a baby things have changed and it's our duty to make life as as good as possible for it, which involved owning a house asap.

I DO want to make life as good as possible. I think (as my friend said to me) that money can be earned later, and doesn't have the emotional needs that our child does in its first six months. I also don't think that it will simply be six months of separation for a lifetime of happiness in our own home. The plan is designed to look like that, while actually setting the stage for a breakup.

Because DP initially didn't want the baby, I think those first 6 months of bonding are ESSENTIAL to his ongoing relationship with it. He says I am thinking short term, but I think he's guilty of the same.

We do need to talk about this again, and I will definitely show him this thread.

[ValiumSingleton]

ps, I agree with other posters who suspect they have an agenda. 1) hoping the two of you will split up. 2) protecting their son, so they are setting him up to be the one in control who has the power (owning the house). You are right, this would not lead to an equal relationship.

[thefirstmrsDeVere]

Weird IMO.

If they really want to help why dont they just do so?

Until the Thatcher years it wasnt seen as vitally important to own your own home.

The vast majority were raised in rented accomadation.

Never did them any 'arm!

[MadAboutQuavers]

YANBU

How DARE they attempt to orchestrate events and stage manage your life to the extent that your little family is broken up.

They are treating you (and DP) like children. Are you a very young couple OP, by any chance?

I would very civilly tell them that their offer is generous, but some things have to take priority over, and are more important than, immediate financial gain.

When talking to your DP, I wouldn't suggest that they are attempting to split you up - this will add further emotion into it. Just tell him you want to be with him at this time, and it's SOOO important to you. Simple as that. For him too suggest you are being selfish is him thinking with his wallet, and not with yours, his and definitely not the baby's immediate fundamental needs (and this includes emotional and mental needs). It's not as though you're living in the gutter, is it for fuck's sake!

[foureleven]

no no no no never ever live in a house under his name only. You could be out on your ear with nothing to show for the home that you have made. Maybe you wont have contributed financially but thats not what building a home is about.

I am disgusted that as a woman, your DPs mother is happy to put you in this shaky situation.

Is there anyway you could show your DP this thread?

[Onetoomanycornettos]

I actually can't believe this! I really am quite amazed that these parents think they can tell you where and how to live when you are forming a family. Seeing each other once a week?! That is just not normal! TBH it all sounds a bit rocky anyway, I think it's very important your partner makes it clear that you (you, him and the baby) are the unit and they are the visitors. If he can't do that now, or doesn't want to, it doesn't bode well for the future really.

Plus, your parents don't sound like you are welcome there anyway, it's not what they want. You so need to put your foot down and come up with a plan that suits both of you (not them) and this is not it, however 'generous' it appears (and it isn't as if you are not married, you wouldn't get the house if you split up).

[ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave]

"As good as possible" for a baby is having parents who love it around as much as possible. A baby does not care about whether its home is owned or rented.

Renting would be far more sensible at this stage anyway. Owning a house is not a magic ticket to a better quality of life -- in fact if money is tight you'll be able to rent a much nicer place in a much nicer area than you'd be able to buy.

[DaisySteiner]

How will owning your own home help your baby? Seriously. Babies do not know or care whether their parents pay rent or a mortgage. What they need is love, happy parents and security (in the sense of knowing they are safe NOT in the sense of having a house you own!). How is you moving in with your mum and dad and you being a single parent going to improve on those three things?

[skidoodly]

He'a nor thinking short term, he's thinking of himself.

His parents are saying that if be distances himself from you and the baby they will buy him a house.

He is saying "yes please".

His parents are far from your only problem.

Will he expect you to pay towards the mortgage on his house?

[ValiumSingleton]

I second that. I lived for 8 years with my x in a house in his name. I bought groceries, paid council tax, bought curtains and bits and pieces. He wasn't a decent character which was more the point but I left with nothing. 8 years and I have nothing to show for it. NObody ever starts off thinking that it will all go pear-shaped, but from reading MN,, I now realise that no decent man will expect YOU to take all the risk, or expect YOU to make all the sacrifice for parenthood (ie, giving up career and so salary, pension). If you are going to be a sahm even for a year or so you are right that this does put you in a vulnerable position. His parents don't care about that. They want to protect him from not you exactly but from suffering financially after a breakdown. They want to see him emerge unscathed from a relationship breakdown.

But the irony is if their son were a better man he wouldn't allow it. NOt if he has respect for you.

I know my x was awful and I certainly don't tar every man with the same brush but you DO need to make sure that you have equal rights. Otherwise all the risk is yours!

[Jux]

This is unwarranted and unacceptable interference on the part of your ILs. The most important thing for a baby is the security and love that comes from its parents. A baby doesn't care where it lives, whether the home is owned or not, all the little thing wants is happy parents who cherish it.

Your ILs are setting you up. You'll never hear the end of it. I know. MIL was exactly the same. She didn't own our flat but she thought she did and never stopped telling me; even to the point of asking me to pay rent for the privilege of living with my husband and daughter.

Rent a place together. One day you'll get your own home and it'll be yours - both of yours that is.

[ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave]

By the way, if you are due in February (which I think you may be from your other posts) come and join us on the February 2011 antenatal thread.

[Mahraih]

MadAboutQuavers: I am 22, DP is 26.

We are comparatively young I suppose. My family has always allowed me to leave a relatively autonomous life: my mother's reaction to the pregnancy was that it was surprising but my decision as to what to do. She felt that it wasn't her place to get too involved with our decision.

DP's mother has a different attitude, it's a different parenting style that I am not used to. I don't want to knock it, but I do feel that DP and I are more than capable of giving this child a great life on our own. DP would say that it's all about giving it the 'best' life we can. And I think he's thinking about that in terms of 'stability' and truly believes that owning house immediately is FAR better than the alternative.

I think, honestly, he's scared of the uncertainty of the future and believes that his parents' option takes that away.

[MrsMellowdrummer]

Hmmm...

Why can't they invite all three of you to live with them in the interim?

If they have a stash of money that they are prepared to invest in a house for you (presumably they know how much they could spare at this stage), why does it have to be "matched" to your own savings?

Why does it need to be in 6 months time, and not sooner?

If they do really have the means and the desire to help you - why are they not doing all they can to enable their son to live with his baby during the first 6 months of his/her life?

I would be very suspicious.

[Marjee]

Op yanbu! The first 6 months are really hard (sorry but its true), you will really need each other and it is essential for bonding. I would not touch that money with a bargepole! It sounds to me like they are incredibly manipulative people, they are trying to get you and your baby away from your dp so that you'll break up. If you don't break up they will always use the money to manipulate you. There is nothing wrong with renting, plenty of people do it these days, myself included. I'm really hoping your dp comes to his senses when he reads this thread!