Not to be happy about their offer?

[Mahraih]

I'm pregnant, and DP's parents (and DP) think it is VERY importnat for the baby to raise in a house that isn't rented, but owned.

They have made a generous offer, but one that I think will have some bad consequences. Basically, they have said that if DP gets a better paying job (which he was going to do anyway and could reasonably do) and saves, and I move back to my family home when the baby is born, then they will match his savings (he already has significant savings, just needs a bit more) so that 'we' can get a deposit on a flat/house. They're saying this would be 6 months.

This does look like a good offer. Hiwever I have some issues with it:

1. DP and I would be separated for 6 months, only seeing each other at weekends, me with a new baby who would rarely see its father. This is not the situation we agreed on, and DP isn't thrilled by it either.
   
2. I don't get on with DP's family. If I had a good relationship with them perhaps I'd be more comfortable, but the amount we're talking about is tens of thousands. I don't want to live in a house that they have partially funded, and feel like this gives them leverage to be very controlling. I don't trust them not to exploit that, because they don't like me at all.
   
3. I want to have an equal relationship with DP. If he outright owns the house and extra collateral comes from his parents, I feel extremely vulnerable. And as I am always going to be our child's main carer, it also puts the child in a vulnerable position.
   
4. What if house prices increase, or DP can't save? It may turn into more than 6 months and tbh I want to have a proper family unit.
   
5. My family really don't want me to go back to the family home. Not because there's an issue, but because they are a) aging and not used to children and don't think they can cope and b) think it would be bad for my self esteem, which I agree with.
   
   
   I do understand the 'need' to own a property and the stability than can give. I just don't see why it has to be NOW. DP and I both have great earning potential and I have, as a compromise, suggested that when our child is 1, I transfer to a much better paying job and make saving for a house my priority (even though it isn't really, I can make it). DP can also save, and we will have our own house by the time our child is in primary school.
   
   Am I being unreasonable? DP accuses me of being selfish not to accept the money and wanting everything 'my way'. But I feel like accepting the money is basically prising apart the family DP and I are trying to create, accepting money from people who severely dislike me, putting DP and I's relationship under a lot of stress, stopping him bonding with the child properly, and also making me beholden to his famiyl for ever.
   
   I also think his parents know that, and don't really care. Perhaps that last is paranoia.
   
   AIBU?

[mumeeee]

YANBU. A baby can be raised just as well in a rented house as an owned one. What is important that you and your DP are a family and should be togehte to raise the baby, It is definatly not a good idea to move back to your family home for 6 months. My DN and husband are in rented accomadation and thier baby is due in December. My sister would not tell them that it's better to own then rent to bring up a family.
Just stay strong and do what is imprtant for your family. That is you your DP and the baby not your PIL

[Mahraih]

Skidoodly: yes, I would be expected to pay towards the mortgage. DP sees it as an alternative to rent, but he sees rent as 'burning money'.

Daisysteiner: I totally agree! Babies have no idea where they're living, and I genuinely think that we can save for our own home before the stage that the baby is in primary school. I think that is a realistic, sensible goal.

ProfessorLaytonismyloveslave: I will join the group! I've been lurking for a while :)

I'm so glad everyone agrees. I was so afraid I was being ungrateful and paranoid.

[boiledegg1]

Please go with your gut instinct OP, this sounds like a strange arrangement. Renting a home when you have a child is fine, I have lived in my own home and in rented, either is okay. House prices are falling as is job security in public and private sectors - your DP still needs to be earning to pay the mortgage, so now might not be the best time for you both to buy a home, depending on your individual circumstances of course.

You and your DP are building a life and a family TOGETHER. I think it is important to do this without that kind of strings attached 'help' even if it seems harder in the short term. I would worry if you were apart about your DP bonding with your baby if he only saw him/her at weekends.

Finally, just because DP is earning the money, it does not mean that any house purchased should be in his name only. You will be doing a vial job raising your baby and although that is not paid work, you are still contributing. And please don't be sentimental about marriage now you have a baby on the way. It affords you important protection - you can get it done at a registry office easily then have a blessing or celebration later if you wish.

[ValiumSingleton]

mairaih, I wanted to take out a joint mortgage with my x but he said no because he could borrow more on his own. He talked me out of buying my OWN place though because basically he had MY money spent in his own head. I had to spend my money on council tax and so on!!!!!

I hope you feel OK. This is probably a big shock, realising that your gut feelings are to be trusted.

[CreepyFunbags]

Your DP would miss out terribly if he wasn't there for the first six months of his baby's life! He could never get that time back, ever.
I think it is a terrible idea.

Owning a house isn't the be all and end all, and if it is important to you both, it can wait anyway!

You need his support too with a new baby, and you need to be learning how to be a family together.

YADNBU.

[ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave]

If you are paying towards the mortgage then the house should be in your name too. If your inlaws are concerned about protecting their investment then you and your DP can own it as tenants in common rather than joint tenants and have your relative shares of the property adjusted from a standard 50-50 to reflect the different amounts you are paying in.

If the house is in his name only and you aren't married then you will have no security or guaranteed stability (you could acquire a beneficial interest in the house through having paid money towards the mortgage, but that's a tricky area and not the same as its being in your name). And if you are the primary caregiver then that means your baby has precious little security either.

But that's a side issue -- even with the house in both your names I wouldn't touch this offer with a bargepole.

[Mahraih]

MrsMellowdrummer: Me living in their home was certainly never part of the offer, and I am not surprised. DP's mother and I haven't spoken in over a month.


I agree with everyone's thoughts here, and they're articulated much better than mine.


I've already said 'no' to the plan, but he's said we need to think about it more. I'm trying to do that, but unless the plan changes rather drastically, it's not going to happen.

I'm going to print out this thread and show it to DP tonight.

[TartyMcFarty]

Horrible. They're may also be thinking along the lines that they want to keep the CSA off his back in the event of a split, and their offer is a sweetener to buy some time.

They sound really unpleasant and you need to be as independent from them as possible. You also need to be an equal party in any mortgage that you contribute to (and I think it sounds like you need to ensure that you do contribute financially asap, rather than 'in kind' as VS describes.

[MadAboutQuavers]

Mahraih, your instincts are good:

"I think, honestly, he's scared of the uncertainty of the future and believes that his parents' option takes that away. "

Spot on, IMO.

And when I said "very young couple", I was wondering whether you were both under 18 or something! 22 and 26 is young, but you are quite obviously perfectly capable of making your own adult decisions about life. Even though your DP doesn't seem to be demonstrating that too well...

You obviously have your head screwed on the right way, and know what's important. I'd ask your DP what's more important to him; a house in his name funded by his dearest parents, or being there for his child in what is an unmissable and irreplaceable time in all your lives.

Time to sort the men from the boys!

[TrillianAstra]

I never understand why any adult children would live with their parents, or why any parents would want their adult children living with them, unless there is dire need.

They sound mad. It is better for the baby to be brought up living in a family home with both its parents. Who owns the deed on the property is largely irrelevant.

[skidoodly]

But he's happy for you to burn your money paying his mortgage.

Giddy is right - it is ridiculous to ask someone to put themselves in such a vulnerable position.

It speaks ill of him that he expects this if you and calls you selfish if you stand up for yourself.

I think people need to stop talking about you and dp as a family. Just because you are having an unplanned baby together doesn't mean you are a family. Families sort out finances to protect and support, not exploit, one another.

The idea that your baby will be better off with its mother paying rent to its father (after 6 months of once a week contact) is laughable.

They don't care about what us best for the baby, and they are (all of them) trying to shaft you.

Be very careful in your dealings with this family and always take steps to make sure you are fully financially independent of this man. Don't quit work or cut back hours to do more childcare. Your situation is too precarious.

[comtessa]

YANBU! YANBU! YANBU!

My DH and I are buying our first home, with generous help (and no conditions) from my very kind parents. Although the deposit is mine, we will be joint owners, as he will be paying the mortgage.

NO REASONABLE PARENTS WILL BE SEEKING TO SEPARATE A YOUNG FAMILY! And on a practical note, what about schools? Far more sensible to rent until DC is about 2 years old, and then work out what the schools are like in your area, then buy.

[megapixels]

YANBU. Very, very odd of them to make this offer. Who on earth would seperate a family at a time like this? Sounds like they have something up their sleeves. You are right to be wary.

[SalFresco]

Babies don't care where they live as long as they are looked after and loved. You have years to work at buying somewhere, and can provide a perfectly stable environment in the meantime, thousands of people do!

What his parents are proposing sounds completely and utterly mad. You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. Please stick to your instincts on this.

[baiyu]

YANBU! Lots of sensible advice here so I won't repeat it.

Renting really isn't that bad and totally agree with other posters, having parents around makes for much more stability than who owns the house.

Our rented houses have been much nicer than we could buy too (though buying for us is a very long way off).

I've had to move 6 times since DS1 was born (he's 2) and while that doesn't sound stable (and it has been a pain but we've had a mad few years with job changes) our family life is VERY stable and that comes from strong relationships not finances.

I was 22 too when DS was born, don't be bullied because of age, you are in the right.
Oh and my MIL doesn't like me either so I sympathise!

Good luck.

[TrillianAstra]

I agree with thecrackfox - they are trying to break you up.

After not living with the baby for 6 months he will see the baby as your baby and your problem any time it cries or does anything irritating.

[tallwivglasses]

And PLEASE tell us what happens when you show him this thread! You love eachother. He will hate being away from you and the baby!

UANBU

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

I really wanted to add something here, but haven't had time to read through all the posts so apologies if much of this has been said already!!!

1 - the first few months of your childs life is going to be very hard, and also very important. I, like you, think this would be a key time for you and your partner to be working together to care for your child. And put in the sasme position I would be very wary of seperating at this time unless absolutely necessary.

2 - You and only you will know the likelihood of your PILs having alterior motives and will need to think about whether there is a risk of them using this to control you and DP. You seem to suggest that you think this is the case. IME acting on your gut in these situations is always best!!

3 - This is an offer. It doesn't mean it has to be accepted. You do have the option to politely decline. A simple thanks but no thanks - we want to stand on our own two feet should suffice as a response.

4 - I work very closely with housing policy. I have read and done enormous amounts of research looking at the benefits and costs of owning over renting in this country and others. While it is true that owning offers some more stability as there is no case of landlords giving you one or two months notice to vacate - there are huge benefits to renting - allowing you to be flexible to respond to changes in your work, money or (growing!) family situation being one. PLus there are many dis-benefits to owning your own home that people don't take into account. Financially it is likley to be more expensive and much less flexible. Any financial benefit will only be relaised when you move - and only then if the makret has risen and your area has not gone into decline. There are also costs to bear regarding maintenance etc.

I guess what I am trying to say is think very carefully about whether owning is THAT important to you right now (i.e. you will get so much benefit from it) that you would put up with this situation for 6 months or more.

[Colliecross]

Yup, they are trying to break you up.

They could just give the money, the rest is smoke and mirrors.

The baby needs you both not the title deeds.

YANBU

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

If he is so set on the idea of rent being 'wasted money', then can you present it to him like this. For you, helping to pay the mortgage will only be rent because the property will not be in your name - so you personally have NOTHING to gain from this arrangement financially.

I suggest you see what his answer to that is - his response will tell you a lot about his attitude to you personally, to women and to money.

[caramelwaffle]

Yanbu.

They are trying to be clever, I'll give them that.
It is part tax avoidance, part asset protection on their part: by making you live apart for the six months (with baby) and before the purchase of the property, they are, in part, trying to negate any claims you will have in the future.
In the event of a spilt they will quite correctly be able to prove that the property is theirs and was bought not as a family home (for dp and you - and child ) but as a "family" (theirs) asset.

If, for whatever reason, you do decide to go along with this, then for goodness sake Get Married!: £150-£300 Registry Office/nice restaurant etc
£ 300 now, to protect £££ for your child and you in a few years time.

Skidoodly is quite right. 11:33
You are a family when you act as a family, not simply because you are having a baby. They are trying to royally shaft you.

And Congratulations by the way

[BaggedandTagged]

Standing in their shoes for a sec (not that I agree with their actions at all but just to help you get their evil mindset perspective

a. They dont like you- not sure if this is because of the unplanned pregnanncy or if they never liked you but it doesnt really matter now.
b. Their son presumably discussed his initial reservations about the pregnancy with them so they know he wasnt delighted about imminent fatherhood, even though he's now come round.
c. As you're pretty young and I'm guessing the pregnancy wasnt planned they might be thinking "Oh God, she's trapped my son. His life's over"

I think I'd have to agree with other posters that they're not seeing you as part of the picture on a long term basis and are using this "generous" offer as a catalyst to speed your exit.

I think you need to talk to your partner big time about his commitment to the baby and to you. Sorry to say this, but at the moment, I think you should be making decisions on the basis of what's right for you and your baby.

Hope I'm wrong and your partner's just being naive.

[Mahraih]

Skidoodly: I found this really interesting: "I think people need to stop talking about you and dp as a family. Just because you are having an unplanned baby together doesn't mean you are a family. Families sort out finances to protect and support, not exploit, one another."

I don't think DP is trying to shaft me, he's a lovely guy, and very trusting of his parents. I think however that his parents are trying to support 'the family' which is DP, and (in a way) the baby. But certainly not me. I am on the outside of this and don't believe I am a consideration to them.

DP has told me that I have made the decision to have the baby (which he did not want at the time) and now have to 'grow up' and 'take responsibility'. He said this during a big row we had, but I worry that he really believes that now I've made the decision to keep the baby, I have to lie in any bed that's made, whether I want to or not. And, because I made that one 'selfish' decision not to abort, if I put my foot down on other things, worry he sees it as another example of me being 'selfish'. He did call me selfish last night, which I was very upset about. I don't believe I'm selfish but I do stand up for myself and am not willing to make decisions that will stunt my life, when they are not necessary.

Reading it back, it does sound bad ... but he's honestly a great guy. He's under a lot of pressure from his family. They're not the sort who will just shrug and say ok to a 'thanks but no thanks'.

I'll let you know how he reacts to all this.

[proudnsad]

I'd say this offer is bordering on the sinister.

As everyone else has said you are most definitely not being unreasonable, trust your instincts and DO NOT do this.

Big talks with your dp, and quick.

Good luck.