Not to be happy about their offer?

[Mahraih]

I'm pregnant, and DP's parents (and DP) think it is VERY importnat for the baby to raise in a house that isn't rented, but owned.

They have made a generous offer, but one that I think will have some bad consequences. Basically, they have said that if DP gets a better paying job (which he was going to do anyway and could reasonably do) and saves, and I move back to my family home when the baby is born, then they will match his savings (he already has significant savings, just needs a bit more) so that 'we' can get a deposit on a flat/house. They're saying this would be 6 months.

This does look like a good offer. Hiwever I have some issues with it:

1. DP and I would be separated for 6 months, only seeing each other at weekends, me with a new baby who would rarely see its father. This is not the situation we agreed on, and DP isn't thrilled by it either.
   
2. I don't get on with DP's family. If I had a good relationship with them perhaps I'd be more comfortable, but the amount we're talking about is tens of thousands. I don't want to live in a house that they have partially funded, and feel like this gives them leverage to be very controlling. I don't trust them not to exploit that, because they don't like me at all.
   
3. I want to have an equal relationship with DP. If he outright owns the house and extra collateral comes from his parents, I feel extremely vulnerable. And as I am always going to be our child's main carer, it also puts the child in a vulnerable position.
   
4. What if house prices increase, or DP can't save? It may turn into more than 6 months and tbh I want to have a proper family unit.
   
5. My family really don't want me to go back to the family home. Not because there's an issue, but because they are a) aging and not used to children and don't think they can cope and b) think it would be bad for my self esteem, which I agree with.
   
   
   I do understand the 'need' to own a property and the stability than can give. I just don't see why it has to be NOW. DP and I both have great earning potential and I have, as a compromise, suggested that when our child is 1, I transfer to a much better paying job and make saving for a house my priority (even though it isn't really, I can make it). DP can also save, and we will have our own house by the time our child is in primary school.
   
   Am I being unreasonable? DP accuses me of being selfish not to accept the money and wanting everything 'my way'. But I feel like accepting the money is basically prising apart the family DP and I are trying to create, accepting money from people who severely dislike me, putting DP and I's relationship under a lot of stress, stopping him bonding with the child properly, and also making me beholden to his famiyl for ever.
   
   I also think his parents know that, and don't really care. Perhaps that last is paranoia.
   
   AIBU?

[BaggedandTagged]

But if his parents had genuine intentions, then, whether they agree that this is the right thing for him to be doing with his life, they should at least respect and appreciate his efforts to support his family (i.e. you and the baby)- not just financially but emotionally and practically which does not involve weejend visits for the first 6 months.

You are being sidelined big time here, which I think you already suspect but dont want to believe.

Your DP has everything to gain from accepting his parents' offer. You have absolutely nothing.

Get the meaningless "bit of paper" that so many people are so disparaging about and see them change their tune. Bet they withdraw the offer faster than you can say "alimony"

[breatheslowly]

YANBU. My parents have contributed to our home, but have made it clear that they adore my DH and want us to be happy together. We jointly own our home. This situation is entirely different and really odd.

On a practical note the housing market is far from stable and you could easily lose more on owning a home than renting at the moment. There doesn't appear to be any reason to rush into home ownership. There must be many couples out there who have bought relying on both incomes (irrespective of whose name the house/mortgage is in) and ended up in really tricky negative equity issues when they have spit up and neither is able to pay the mortgage alone.

[Gibbon]

Run for the hills.

[foureleven]

caramelwaffle speaks wisely. The 6 months thing is true.

If you feel strong enough, you should research it and then explain calmly to all of them in a room that you have looked in to what would happen if sadly the relationship didnt work out and thet this 6 months busines means you could not give your baby the stability it needs.

Tell her you know, as the childs grandmother, and a women herself, she will appreciate your need to be prudent here.

Maybe she has an ounce of compassion and integrity.

[skidoodly]

Yes, that really does sound bad.

He calls you selfish for not having the abortion he wanted, and now thinks that because you are having his unwanted baby you must live your life as he demands, entirely in his interests?

What he is asking is not better for the baby. The only one who benefits is him.

Very informative post by caramelwaffle

[itsatiggerday]

Mahraih, that last post made me .

If it was wholly your decision to progress with the pregnancy then I guess he had the option to walk away and leave you to it. Since he's decided to stay and has accepted the imminent arrival of his baby, I think he needs to accept the responsibilities that follow - his responsibilities. Which are to be a father. Hard to do that when it's a 90min train journey to visit his newborn. To your parents' home who don't really feel able to accommodate you and a newborn - not unfairly given you'd left home and lived as an adult already - let alone DP too.

And having accepted his role as father, he really needs to commit to not throwing in your face that it was your decision to continue with the pregnancy every time you two have a disagreement. That decision is made, as is his to stick around, so he needs to move on with that, not keep re-treading old ground or using it as an ongoing threat to you. And incidentally, he was crucially responsible in making this baby too, it wasn't something you managed all by yourself.

I can see he and his family have had different assumptions about what would be ideal for raising your child, but the best your baby could have would be two parents who love each other and live all together. All else is secondary. If they really want to support 'their' family, they should be doing all they can to support the two of you to build a lasting relationship, not splitting you up for 6 months as soon as the baby is born.

Oh and really second what's already been said, marriage is more than a piece of paper in terms of your protection and legal status, do think about it - you are linked together for life anyway with a child together. Otherwise, do investigate other legal ways of protecting yourself as much as you can in the title deeds, wills etc.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Just one more person urging you not to do this. You must have any house in your name as well as your DPs. I think that your baby needs the two of you to be together more than anything else and agree that this is an attempt to stop your DP from bonding with the baby and getting you to split up. Your DPs parents feel that you have trapped their son and so have no interest in protecting you. This is all about protecting their son from you. I know you say your DP is lovely, but from what you say, I think he sounds resentful that you have decided to keep the baby, as if he has no say in how his life is panning out. His parents are reacting to that and taking steps to insulate him whilst leaving you up shit creek without a paddle. You need to talk to your DP about the fact that it took two of you to make a baby. Refusing an abortion is not selfish. It is something that not all people can consider doing and if he wasn't prepared for that then it was down to him to ensure that you didn't get pg. You didn't do this all by yourself! You need to find out where you stand, because your DP sounds half in and half out at the moment. If he is serious about this relationship then he must not allow you to get screwed over financially now and must be with you physically and emotionally to be a proper father and partner. He is no longer a little boy whose parents can dictate how he lives. He is 26, not 16. If he is not full committed, then it's as well for you to find this out now, but under no circumstances should you let his parents manipulate you both in this way. Point out to your DP just how exposed this arrangement leaves you. If he truly loves you he will want to protect you

[FakePlasticTrees]

How about you state your parents are not prepared to help you raise your DC, so you have to move out, you can rent something on your own and get him to pay maintenance, he can decide if he lives in the rented place with his child or with his parents. If he doesn't live with you, you will make arrangements as a single mother.

I'm sure you can find a great deal of information about the importance of the first few months. If he is only there on a day or two at the weekends, he will miss so much. He'll never get those times back and his relationship with his DC will be damaged forever for a few grand.

Oh, and if you do decide to go along with this, (it's madness IMHO) I'd make a condition being you are married before the baby arrives. You can do a quicky registery office one and then a formal blessing at a later date if you want the big do.

[Mahraih]

Skidoodly: it didn't feel like that when he said it :( He doesn't believe that his parents' plan is in his interests, he believes they're doing it entirely for the baby. But I can't see that that's possible, because they're utterly ignoring the fact that it would have a part-time father (at best!) for 6 months or more.

BaggedandTagged: I do think I'm being sidelined ... I've tried to express this to DP: my feeling that I am being gotten rid of and cut out of 'the picture' of DP's life, as well as baby, so that he doesn't have an opportunity to bond with baby properly. He doesn't see these as being his parents' motives.

But they have tried to break us up before, to the point that his mother has told him to 'get rid' of me. So there is precedent.

DP consistently says he doesn't want to break up, he loves me, he wants to make a real go of this, he wants to be a dad to the baby etc. I'm trying to keep that in mind at all times and genuinely don't believe he has malicious intentions in any way.

I've told him we need to talk this evening, he's agreed. So ... yes.

[LittleSilver]

Mahraih what a situation for you. I am pretty appalled by both your ILs but really your DH is just as bad, actually worse.

Well done for saying no. I think their offer is not generous in the slightest, rather an expensive way of manipulating your partner to do what they want.

Ideal situation: what do YOU want?

I'd be very interested in hearing what your DP thinks after reading this thread.

[GeekOfTheWeek]

I think they are trying to get rid of you to 'save' their son.

Tbh if your dp contemplates this offer then i would suspect he isn't that committed to you.

Look out for you and your baby because by the sounds of it nobody else will.

[reallytired]

A baby needs a Mummy and a Daddy. Yes single mothers often do an excellent job, but its far from ideal.

A baby does not care whether he/she is in a one bed rented flat or a mansion. A baby has no concept of rented property.

What would your DP do if your family refuses to house you and the baby? Can your inlaws not give you a loan for the desposit for a house?

[skidoodly]

He doesn't think owning his own home is in his interests? Really?

Has he ever outlined what the benefit to the baby is in having a father who owns a house?

If you guys split up (not beyond the bounds of possibility by any means) you will be homeless and broke, and by extension so will the child, as it will go with you.

He is far from disinterested in this situation and is pushing you into something that benefits him at your expense. Maybe he is very naive, but I would bear in mind how much he has to gain here financially when listening to his arguments.

[sapphireblue]

my initial reaction to your post was absolutely don't do it! And on reflection, it's still don't do it!

[Triggles]

If his parents were doing it "for the baby" then they would offer the assistance with no strings attached, so that you could live together as a family the whole time. How hard is it for him to see that living 90 minutes away by train is not going to allow him to be there for you and the baby those first 6 months? How can he even entertain the idea that it would be beneficial for you and the baby?

The poster that pointed out the issue with schools was right on as well. It's actually of benefit for you to rent for the first couple years to give you a chance to check out schools in the area and so that when you do eventually buy a home, it will be in the right area for the school you want your child to be in. It can make a real difference.

If his parents loved him, they would want him to be happy - living with his partner and baby regardless of renting or owning, and they wouldn't be trying to separate you both at such an important time in your baby's life. If HE loved you, he'd put your feelings first. It seems pretty obvious that his parents are trying to separate you both and protect themselves (and him) financially and leave you (and probably the baby) out in the cold. I wonder... can he really be that blind to their manipulation?? It's not like they're being subtle in any way...

It all boils down to this... which is more important to him.... you and the baby? or his parents and a house?

[ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave]

Your DP loves and trusts his parents. That's quite reasonable. It doesn't necessarily mean there's anything sinister in his own motivations.

But a large panel of people here who don't know or love his parents all find their actions here at best extremely odd and at worst (and, I have to say, most realistically) actively hostile and sinister. And Mumsnet never agrees on anything (seriously, I've been here over five years and I can remember maybe one other thread where there was as much unanimity as there's been here).

You are not selfish or paranoid or deluding yourself. His views are the ones out of step with those of a large group of objective outsiders.

[Jux]

He wants to be a dad to the baby, he says. Well that does not involve being away from her/him for the first 6m of her/his life, does it?

You will have to tell him that being a dad means he is there, not living with his parents miles away and popping in when it's convenient.

There is nothing wrong with renting. Owning a house can be a nightmare; trying to find one and putting in offers, getting surveys done etc is incredibly stressful, and he won't appreciate it on top of the stress that comes with a small baby.

He doesn't really sound like a bad man, just someone who is caught between two conflicting loyalties. On the one hand his 'old' family and the on the other hand his 'new' family. He has to decide which is more important to him, the past or the future.

[ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave]

Where are you living at the moment, by the way? Is staying there a practical option for you if your DP won't rent a place together?

[milliemoosmum]

Another thought sprung to mind. Do you think it is possible that your DP has suggested this to his parents to maybe avoid having a frank discussion with you about his fears about being a father.
Probably not what you want to hear but what kind of father would VOLUNTARILY live apart from their newborn baby for 6 months!!! Providing you can afford your rent and keep a roof over your heads your baby will neither know nor care whether you are renting or not.
You need to have a sit down and a long chat with DP about everything. You say he has come round to the idea of the baby but living seperately through choice and telling you the child is all your responsibility makes it sound like this is not the case. Unless his attitude changes you may as well be a single parent.

[skidoodly]

To be clear - I don't think this man's motivation is sinister, I think he is letting greed colour how he views this offer.

His wilful blindness to the predicament you will be in, Mahraih, is self-interested.

His parents are trying (and succeeding so far) to use his greed to put a wedge between you.

The only situation that wouldn't cause damage to your relationship would have been if he had told them immediately that he wouldn't be separated from you and the baby.

I guess they knew their own son better than that.

[EMS23]

I wrote a really long reply, full of various scenarios but reading it back it seemed silly to make you read all that when what I really want to say is:

Good luck to both of you but please turn down this offer because it's simply not viable with the current conditions attached.

I hope your DP sees this for what it is and no matter how difficult it is to turn down, he does.

And don't ever apologise to him for going through with the pregnancy. Termination may seem like an easy option to him but he wasn't the one who had to physically do it.
xxx

[minipie]

Sorry if these points have been made before:

1. If you make any savings contribution or payments towards the mortgage (or indeed if you contribute by looking after your child thus enabling DP to go out to work and pay the mortgage) then you should be entitled to a share in the property.
   

1. If you do not own or part own the property then it does NOT give you or your child any more security (in the event that you and DP were to split) than a rented place. In fact you actually could be more vulnerable as DP could kick you out immediately whereas a landlord can't.
   

I also agree that this sounds like a very manipulative attempt by your PILs to split you and DP up. Don't do it. If they want to be nice and generous then they can offer to match any savings you make while renting somewhere together.

[Onetoomanycornettos]

Also, I noticed that you were expected to contribute to the mortgage whilst he owned the property. Obviously don't do that; why are you paying for him to own a house and not for yourself? But don't do what my friend did either, she paid all the 'other stuff' like council tax, bills and food, whilst her partner paid the mortgage for a house in his name. When they split up, he had the cheek to say she hadn't contributed to the mortgage at all, so would get nothing. The only reason he could plough all his money into the mortgage (an appreciating asset) was because she paid for everything else!

[ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave]

Yes, Onetoomanycornettos -- that's a situation where being married is an advantage to the partner not directly paying the mortgage because on divorce the whole picture can be looked at and the house divided up fairly. If you're not married that doesn't happen (or didn't when I was studying this area years ago and by the sounds of your friend's experience still doesn't).

[Mahraih]

LittleSilver, in an ideal situation we would rent a small but comfortable, clean place in an area that we were content with. For about a year after the baby was born I wouldn't really be able to save, as my salary is fixed, but after that year I would get a higher paying job (which is very realistic based on my career so far) and start properly saving. DP is free to save as/when he wishes and get a new higher paying job, as long as he is contributing to the baby/rent. Ideally, we'd have enough money within 3 years of that, so before the baby goes to school. I want to live with him and baby, so that at least if we DO break up, he has had a period of living with baby and feels like his father.

ProfessorLayton: I'm renting a room in a flat. The room is too small for a baby and flat not baby-friendly. I got it because it's very close to work. Whatever happens, I will be moving.

milliemoosmum: I don't think DP has suggested the plan to them. I do wonder however if the reason he's pro the plan is to suspend or even try to prevent him being a 'real' dad. That's something we'll have to discuss.

I take everyone's points about the financial security. I didn't realise it was that bad. But yes, I see that in terms of security it gives me nothing and him everything. At least if we were renting we'd have an equal amount of security, or not.

The idea of DP and I saving as much as possible while living together and then perhaps them helping seems like a compromise. It would still leave us/me beholden to them in some way, but I could give myself legal protection as much as possible. I'll bring this up with DP this evening. I suspect if his parents refuse this, then their main motive is to get me out of the picture.