Not to be happy about their offer?

[Mahraih]

I'm pregnant, and DP's parents (and DP) think it is VERY importnat for the baby to raise in a house that isn't rented, but owned.

They have made a generous offer, but one that I think will have some bad consequences. Basically, they have said that if DP gets a better paying job (which he was going to do anyway and could reasonably do) and saves, and I move back to my family home when the baby is born, then they will match his savings (he already has significant savings, just needs a bit more) so that 'we' can get a deposit on a flat/house. They're saying this would be 6 months.

This does look like a good offer. Hiwever I have some issues with it:

1. DP and I would be separated for 6 months, only seeing each other at weekends, me with a new baby who would rarely see its father. This is not the situation we agreed on, and DP isn't thrilled by it either.
   
2. I don't get on with DP's family. If I had a good relationship with them perhaps I'd be more comfortable, but the amount we're talking about is tens of thousands. I don't want to live in a house that they have partially funded, and feel like this gives them leverage to be very controlling. I don't trust them not to exploit that, because they don't like me at all.
   
3. I want to have an equal relationship with DP. If he outright owns the house and extra collateral comes from his parents, I feel extremely vulnerable. And as I am always going to be our child's main carer, it also puts the child in a vulnerable position.
   
4. What if house prices increase, or DP can't save? It may turn into more than 6 months and tbh I want to have a proper family unit.
   
5. My family really don't want me to go back to the family home. Not because there's an issue, but because they are a) aging and not used to children and don't think they can cope and b) think it would be bad for my self esteem, which I agree with.
   
   
   I do understand the 'need' to own a property and the stability than can give. I just don't see why it has to be NOW. DP and I both have great earning potential and I have, as a compromise, suggested that when our child is 1, I transfer to a much better paying job and make saving for a house my priority (even though it isn't really, I can make it). DP can also save, and we will have our own house by the time our child is in primary school.
   
   Am I being unreasonable? DP accuses me of being selfish not to accept the money and wanting everything 'my way'. But I feel like accepting the money is basically prising apart the family DP and I are trying to create, accepting money from people who severely dislike me, putting DP and I's relationship under a lot of stress, stopping him bonding with the child properly, and also making me beholden to his famiyl for ever.
   
   I also think his parents know that, and don't really care. Perhaps that last is paranoia.
   
   AIBU?

[coraltoes]

if you do go down this route and pay mortgage into the house you must insist on being tenants in common, meaning when you split the asset is divided equally taking into account your contributions!
good luck. It sounds like a situation i'd say NO NO NO to

[colditz]

Not a chance that I would agree to this.

His parents are trying to ensure that your DP has the easiest life possible.

They don't give a crap about you or the baby. That's why they are happy for you to be absent and vulnerable when you are finally allowed to return to the family.

I'm guessing that this won't be until your child is one and you have your earning potential back.

[catsmother]

I agree that this sounds rather sinister .... almost as if they don't "just" want to split you up but also to wreak some kind of "revenge" on you for "trapping" their precious son. This 6 months thing ... as others have said, it could take longer, but equally, my suspicious mind also thinks the whole thing could be a great big red herring to get you to move back home with the promise of a house together reasonably soon .... when there's no real intention (at least, on their part, am not sure about your DP) of doing any such thing. If you're out of the way, and he spends at least 6 months seeing his new baby just once a week, what's the betting they're going to be working on him relentlessly to finish with you ? .... and there'll be a greater chance of this happening if he hasn't been able to establish a proper bond with the baby.

Sorry to be so pessimistic and negative when you're in such a vulnerable position !

What I don't get as well ..... quite apart from this ridiculous idea that the baby must be brought up in an owned (well, mortgaged) property (god help the 100s of 1000s of kids who live in - shock horror - a rented property) .... is why you can't seek out somewhere to buy now if buying really is the be all and end all. I say this because you mention that he already has "significant" savings and that the matched money will amount to tens of thiousands. That must mean that he has at least around £20k already ..... assuming that in this hypothetical 6 months he's not going to be saving several thousand a month. Sorry if I've misinterpreted that or am speaking out of term, but does he not already have "enough" for a deposit on something anyway ?

But .... like everyone said, please please protect yourself in all this. Not one respondent so far thinks it a good idea and I think that speaks volumes.

[hairytriangle]

YANBU! They need to stick their nose out. Either they want to help or they don't but to suggest you live seperately while your baby is so small (or at all really) is really out of order!

[catsmother]

Meant to say as well (sorry, more negativity) ..... is that I don't get why your DP is even considering this. I've got a very nasty feeling that he's viewing it as an escape route .... at the very least, he avoids all the sleepless nights and hard work for at least 6 months, at worst, but at worst, I think he may already be thinking or running and this barmy idea of his parents could be used to disguise his true intentions if he's too cowardly to come right out and say it. You may find that the pretence of "saving" is kept up for quite some time for example, until you get fed up and dump him ... and then he avoids being the bad guy. Alternatively, you may find that a few months along the parents' financial situation apparently changes and they have to withdraw or modify their offer meaning your DP could then argue he's "stuck" indefinitely and unable to buy or live with you, because, as we know, it's "bad" for a baby to be in a rented place (but not squashed in at their grandparents' home which wouldn't be owned by you either !)

I am really worried this is dumping by stealth.

The only acceptable position - if you're not splitting up - is that you ALL live together. The status of the property matters not one jot.

[MumNWLondon]

Sounds very controlling. Sounds as if they want you to split up. Nothing wrong with having a baby in a rented flat/house and besides you have a longer term plan. Definately decline.

[BarmyArmy]

Why can't you both be named on the deeds of the house?

My recent purchase of a house (with my fiancee) was not dissimilar in that she provided the deposit (from the sale of her flat) and I pay the mortgage - she will most likely be leaving her job when maternity leave is up etc etc.

If you've got a future together, get yourself on the deeds of the house - that way you're 'protected'.

[deemented]

Nothing good could ever come of this at all.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

My advice OP is to watch yourself.

Your DP has very fixed opinions on renting, says it is burning money. However he does NOT want you on teh mortgage as he would get a higher mortgage on his own. YOUR money will be used to pay rent (effectively his mortgage). So it's all right for you, someone he is supposed to love and the mother of his baby, to 'burn' your money, but not ok for him to burn his?

Big Ben style alarm bells ringing on his attitude alone, let alone his parents.

Tbh, I would say sod this for a game of soldiers, and get a flat (rented) on your own.

[ValiumSingleton]

Listen to caramelwaffle.

You do not have to accept this. You are having their grandchild and if they don't treat you with some small amount of respect, then they will be the losers in the long run. You don't have to stay with their son at all costs. If the pair of you split up over this because he won't stand up for you or listen to you or drown out his parents' 'advice' then that it not your fault. It takes two (decent) people prepared to compromise to hold a relationship together.

I thnk you should start looking out for your own interests because you have a child on the way now. please DOn't end up like me. Two kids, no rights, shafted by somebody I had to trust, although like you I had a gut instinct.

[ASecretLemonadeDrinker]

Jesus Christ. Is he going to drop you back at your mums when you come home from hospital, then make his merry way 'home'? Journey an hour and a half when baby has a temp that won't go down and you think you need to take him/her to A & E? Why isn't it offered for you to live with your DP at his parents? Can DP live with you at your mums and you both save? Don't take a penny from them, you will be under their thumb forever. Buy a small little flat (even 1 bed) if you can for now, do it up, sell it in a year or so so your money isn't being wasted in rent. Even so, renting isn't going to affect baby - grandparents prising their parents apart will.

[CarGirl]

Seriously I would move into a rented 1 bed place with a seperate reception room, tell your dp he is welcome to move in with you or not. You will be able to claim child maintenance from him if he doesn't move in/isn't willing to pay it voluntarily, you will be eligible for housing/council tax benefit if you're on a low income.

I don't think this is the time to enter into a buying a home, moving away, discussing options etc etc etc.

I am very suspicious of his parents motives.

A couple with 1 child could live in a 1 bed place with seperate lounge easily for a few years and the rent will be relatively inexpensive - well compared to a 2 bed place!

You can go on the housing list, ask to go on the shared owner ship list from that and potential do a 70/30 share through shared ownership where they pay for a percentage share and you merely repay them when you sell the house - I'm not talking part own part rent this is a different scheme that was/is around.

[ValiumSingleton]

This kind of thing is quite common imo.

It reminds me of my mum's close friends. Their son got a girl pregnant on holiday. They weren't that young (mid 20s) and in love and a bit naive but they believed they could make a go of things. Then his parents intervened and with them chirruping in his ear he starting trying to protect his 'assets'. (my mum and I laughed at that, he had no assets that we could see). And obviously the girl began to see a new side to him and started to look out for herself.

Now, my mum's friend travels hundreds of miles once a year to see her only grandchild, and the girl (who has proved she has dignity allowing this with good grace) has married somebody nice, while their son, well, he's still on his todd but he has his one bedroom apartment. They really looked after his best interests there.

[bunkers]

"ProfessorLayton: I'm renting a room in a flat. The room is too small for a baby and flat not baby-friendly. I got it because it's very close to work. Whatever happens, I will be moving."

Does this mean you're not actually living with your dp yet? If so, you need to change this as quickly as possible. Getting used to living together can throw up quite a few little stresses and niggles. Add to this a new baby, and toxic IL's apart, you're going to be putting your relationship under a lot of pressure.

YANBU, btw. The offer sounds really dodgy and not in your interests at all.

IMO you need to sort out your living arrangements as soon as possible to give you and DP as much time to get used to living together before the baby arrives.

Apologies if I've misinterpreted your post, and you already live together.

Good luck, I hope it all works out.

[Mahraih]

The issue with me renting a one-bed place is that I wouldn't be able to afford it on my own. without child/tax benefits, which I would get. This situation, however, means that I can't just invite DP to live with me if he wants: it would necessitate re-filling in forms etc, being re-banded for tax credits, and then it takes time to go back ON the system if he leaves and I'm back at square one. Grr.

Asecretlemonadedrinker: I know! This was my thought. Does he just drop me off at my family's home with a new baby and then go to the pub with his mates? It seems a farce.

Bunkers: you're right, we don't live together. I really want to sort out our living arrangements asap. DP always says renting is 'burning money' so wants to wait until closer to the time to rent. I'd rather not. I think a new home and new baby in quick succession is a bad idea. I don't want to 'enforce' this however as it will look like I'm trying to 'get my own way' again. I just wish that his priority wasn't money. He says it isn't, it's stability, but it seems to me that he feels money is the only real source of stability.

Cargirl: I've never looked at housing list stuff - I will have a look, thank you!

[Mahraih]

Sorry, last post was a bit vague. I could afford a place on my own, but it would be on tax/child credits that I would only get if I were living alone.

[aquavit]

lots of good advice on here about ensuring that your own finances and living arrangements are secure - I would take that extremely seriously.

And I would find your partner's ideas about what it means to be a good father a bit worrying too - the best spin I can put on them is that (particularly since you don't already live together) he isn't all that clued up about what the first six months are like. (Fair enough: I most certainly wasn't at his age.) I agree wholeheartedly with the earlier poster who said that if he genuinely wants to make a go of it and be a good father to his baby, then he needs to accept the decision to go ahead, together, and never, ever throw it back at you again. It is not a choice that he gets to go back on.

But perhaps it would be really helpful for both of you to sit down together and talk about what it will be like in those newborn months; perhaps even do a class (the NHS run some in our area for e.g.). So if his intentions are indeed good, he can begin to understand why the situation his parents have suggested is not a good one.

And in return, I think it is fair that you - as you've said you will - be prepared to save to buy a house together, since that's important to him. But MAKE SURE you get your name on the mortgage: it doesn't have to be a 50:50 joint ownership, but you must BOTH feel that your investment in the property is protected.

[colditz]

yes .... and? It's not a big hassle to move someone in and stop claiming as a single parent....

Do not go with his parent's plans.

tell your OH that he must live with the baby to be considered a none-absent father - if he choses not to live with you and his child when he could, he is no different from all the other losers who dump their pregnant girlfriends.

[LucyLouLou]

I'm going to try to read through all the pages of this, but I wanted to pop this thought in just in case it hasn't already been mentioned and I forget to say it (pregnancy brain lol):

Sit down and make a list of all the benefits for you if you went ahead with this arrangement. I can't think of a single one. I've got some cons though....

1. An enforced and geographically significant separation from your DP.
   
   
2. An enforced and geopgrahically significant separation for your newborn baby from your DP.
   
   
3. Absolutely no financial security for you (and if there's none for you, there will be reduced security for your baby btw).
   
   
4. An unbalanced relationship that is strained because of financial reasons (this is very dicey to say the least).
   
   I could go on (and on and on and on), but I think you get the point. Nothing about this arrangement would benefit you at all. You have some weird-ass freaky controlling and manipulative ILs (I know you're not married, but YGWIM) and a DP who doesn't sound like he needed much encouragement to want to abandon his DP and unborn child.
   
   DO NOT TAKE THIS MONEY and think very seriously about how serious your DP is about you and your baby.
   
   Good luck.

[CarGirl]

You can go on the housing list as a single person, and then tell them you've had a child - you won't get anywhere but it means that you can apply to go on the shared ownership list - at least that's how it worked for me.

If you move into together in rented, ensure you have access to some money that your partner doesn't have so if he moves out you have some cash to live off whilst benefits get sorted out again etc.

[AisieSusie]

Agree with all the comments here, but just a thought about your dp... If he is a decent man, it seems like he's fallng into a comfortable role for him, that of obedient child, & relying on his parents to be the benign authority who he can just go along with. However he has to break out if this, as his parents aren't the heads of your 'almost-family', you and he are! I can understand that it's very easy & feels 'right' to fall in with his parents wishes, as that's probably been his default position growing up, but now he is grown up, & has more roles than just being his parents child. He has to think about how to be a good partner & a good father as well as a good son now.

I am sure he may be shocked at some of the posts here, which clearly say that from mmsnetters point of view, his parents motivations are highly suspect. I hope these opinions don't make him defensive & unableto get past wanting to defend his parents.

Giving his parents a Ginormous benefit of the doubt, they are thinking about his interests only, not the couples, or the family. It may be that they are doing this unintentionally, perhaps assuming that what's right for him is therefore what's right for you & baby, or maliciously trying to cut you out (that would be my opinon btw but trying to take a generous stance here!). The issue is here, not why his parents are offering this, but that the substance of what they are offering works for him as their son, but not as a partner or father. If he truly wants this relationship to work, & to become a daddy, then he needs to break out of deferring to his parents wishes & take on that grown up role himself.

I have a 5 month old & looking back over the last few months, if my dp had not been living with us, he would have a very different relationship with his son. I cannot over emphasize how important these few months are for bonding.... It's the little moments that love springs from, like laughing at the milk drunk baby who is comatose on your chest, or working out how to change him/ burp him together, or him making up a dilly song whilst pacing the floor with screaming baby at 4am.... You can't get these moments through a quick visit once a week... You would end up being the persn who instructs him on how the baby needs to be held/ fed / cuddled etc rather than him being fully invested...

Maybe (benefit of doubt time again!) his parents had a very traditional aportioning of role where the father didn't do any childcare, & so that's why they think it doesn't matter if he misses out on these things, however, does he really want that for his own model of fatherhood?

Good luck & I hope you don't end up having a horrible argument this evening. I guess my advice for you to get across to him is:

He needs to move away from just being the child to also the new role of partner & father (obviously he ll always be their son, but he can't be the son at the expense of other roles, he has to manage all his responsibilities).

Just because he thinks his parents are offering this with the best of motives, does NOT mean it's the right thing to do. His parents may need help in moving from treating him like their child to understanding he is grown up, & that is something he has to show them.

Assuming he can catch up on the missing 6 months is a wrong assumption as without those 6 months it's doubtful whether he'd have a future living with you & his baby.

(sorry that was really long, got a bit involved in your plight!)

[MadAboutQuavers]

Great post - totally agree with everything AisieSusie said.

[prozacfairy]

YANBU. Don't do it. Had several similar arrangments with ex inlaws (many fell through, hence the several). These were always offered with conditions and later flung back in my face.

"How dare you deprive us of our grandchild after all we've done for you!" etc, etc when I split up with DP.

We didn't get on and I strongly advise if you dont get on with your inlaws you say "thanks but no thanks."

[missedith01]

OP - not sure I understand your prevous posts re tax credits. Is the thought of filling in a few forms and spending a few weeks off benefit really such a deal-breaker?