to be upset my dd1 dont want me visiting her in hospital after her birth

[notfeelinggreat]

she now 41 weeks and she just told me she don't want me going to see her or new baby in hospital and i have to wait while she comes home after being in over night or more .

i understand if that's what she wishers but it as hurt me lots in fact am crying over this, i don't interfere usually but i have told her i am very hurt over this and asked why she don't want me visiting , she didnt really have an answer, but i think it may be her boyfriend or is she ashamed of me? i know they need time when then the baby comes as a family but i would live a little visit to see it, i know she worked up at this moment in time as she just wants her baby out.

am i being unreasonable to think i should be able to go and see my grandchild in hospital after its born? as anyone else had this and still been able to go and see when they come?

she wants me to have the baby when she goes back to work but yet she closing me out so ealy on.

If she is that overdue already she is probably fed up of the whole world and his wife asking whether she has had the baby - she is just as impatiant to meet her baby as you are. She obviously trusts you to be the babies exclusive carer over anyone else so letting her have that time in the hospital to get to grips with being a new mother should be be ok with you.

I can see you want to be there but right now she has a lot to cope with - respect her wishes, don't pressure her and then if she is in hospital for more than a quick overnight you will probably be the first person she calls to come in and visit

Sorry to here that notfeelinggreat. Did she give you a reason. What is your relationship with her like.

I am assuming, since you say she wants you to look after your GC it must be okay.

I feel really sad for you but from experience my relationship with my own mum isn't that great either but I was very proud to show of my DD to her.

Does she realise that this has upset you. I can only think that she thinks that she would rather have ANY visitors come to her when she is home. Maybe she isn't looking forward to the experience of being in hospital and just wants to get home anyway.

Hope you manage to resolve your feelings on this one.

have a shes not saying you cant ever see her, she is saying let me bond with my new baby and get used to feeding and being a mummy before you see her.

shes not going to change much in 1 day is she? and if all goes to plan she will be home the next day anyway!

i do respect her wishes, but am just hurt over this!

I don't think you are unreasonable to want to see her and the baby. I can understand why you are hurt that she has asked for a few days if you see it as a snub or rejection of you - but it's not about you. It's about her. And you should respect her wishes. Maybe she wants this time getting used to the baby. Perhaps she's sore, or wants time just her and her boyfriend. Whatever it is, I don't think it's a snub to you.

I don't think she's closing you out. She's just pushed a person out of her body Whatever she feels she needs right now, perhaps you should go along with.

Why do you feel her being ashamed of you could be a possibility?

When you do see the baby, don't make it about seeing the baby. Make it about seeing your daughter who has just had a baby, iyswim. So often the mother gets ignored because all the focus (understandably) is on the baby, so make sure you make a fuss of your daughter when you do see her.

And you of course don't have to have the baby when she goes to work, but if that is your choice, don't make it because she asked you for a couple of days to get used to being a new mum. Don't do anything you resent, because it's worthless.

But above all, and I say it again because it's so important. Don't make this about you, because it's not, I'm sure it's not. Don't torture yourself.

I didn't want my mum visiting - they (and ILs) came on day 4 and to be honest, it was for their benefit not mine, I'd have rather seen no one for a week or so.

It's a very personal time, most woman post birth are so knackered and want to just cuddle up with their DP and baby while establishing BFing, dealing with doctors etc.

I know you'll be excited, but can't you wait 24 hours? Did your parents and ILs arrive the same day you gave birth? If you push her in to loosing this special time with her new DC and her DP, she'll resent you for it.

agree with fake plastic trees

It is hurtful but I can see how she feels. It is her birth and she must be free to decide what she wants. The best thing you can do is give her space and let her know you will be there to help in any way she needs in her own time.

I really wouldn't hold out hope for a hospital visit or talk to her about how you feel at this point, because if I were her that would make me feel you were making the whole thing about your needs, rather than hers or the baby's. Just take the pressure off and say "no problem, when you're ready."

It must be very hurtful.
Maybe she is frightened of how things will go & not being up to seeing anyone.

Notfeelinggreat, when DC1 was born, DH and I decided that he would phone nobody to let them know until he got home from the hospital. We decided this because I was knackered after the birth and really wanted to wait until the following day before I had visitors other than DH (in those days we stayed in hospital for about five days. Once my shattered DH arrived home, he called my parents and his parents to let them know and to tell them they could visit the following day (bearing in mind that it was now about 8.30pm, so visiting time had finished for the night anyway. He got told off by my parents for not calling earlier to give them time to visit that day! he explained that I was shattered and sleepy and in any case, had only just arrived back on the ward and that I was adamant about waiting 'til the following day. He then called his parents. As soon as he had finished speaking to his parents, he tried to call mine back for another chat but couldn't get through to them. Why? because they had decided to come to the hospital anyway and basically barged their way in to the ward to see me and DC1. I was not happy at all. In fact I was very disappointed that they chose not to respect my wishes.

I understand you might be feeling a bit hurt, but i am sure your DD is not 'excluding' you. She just wants time to be with her baby and get used to being a Mummy before she has to face visitors. She will be tired. She may not be at her best. And, she may be feeling nervous about being a new mum in front of someone with lots of experience!

No, YANBU to want to see your GC as soon as it arrives, but you would be VVVVU to just turn up! As much as I love my Mum, a little part of me has never forgiven her for pushing in and it has affected our relationship somewhat because I no longer share stuff with her like I used to: I felt I could no longer trust her!

YANBU - your DD is.

This is the other side of the coin, all right.

Being quite mercenary about it, I can't believe that she's wanting you to look after her baby, yet cutting you out now. While it's not a point I'd raise at this stage, I do wonder what kind of "bargain" she's striking here. She presumably wants you to be family when it suits her.

for you OP, and hope she changes her mind.

I would be hurt by this too and would be just as bewildered by your DDs lack of a reason for her ban on you visiting.

But I cast my mind back to when I was a new Mum and Im afraid I probably did and said similar hurtful things to my closest family.

She probably wants to save the precious visiting hours for the work mates and friends.Maybe she thinks she will have a fabulous time in hospital welcoming her girlie friends -all bearing balloons and cooing over how well she has done etc etc.

It is more likely that she is so confident in your unswerving love for her that she feels you can wait to see her when she comes home.

But remember, you will have the joy of your Grandchild's presence in your life long after the workmates have been forgotten.

What echt said.

Op I feel bad for you.

Maybe when your daughter's baby is here & she feels the huge surge of love & emotion that she undoubtededly shall have for him/her,she'll get why you wanted to see her & meet your new grandchild so much.

Hope she rethinks this.

YAB a bit u. She just wants a little time with her baby first. You'll be able to see the baby whenthey get home.

Isn´t it up to the OPs daughter who she has to visit her in hospital?

I had easy births but tbh I found visitors other than my husband a blöödy nuisance.

I just wanted to establish bfeeding, cuddle & doze.

at ecth's post.

When I had ds1, I asked that only my ex and I be in the delivery room. I was only 21 at the time, so for some reason my Mum expected to be there for the birth, even though I was in a long term stable relationship. I had asked her before labour started to leave the room well before I got to the pushing stage, but she didn't go until I was pretty much there and had to get the mw to ask her to go. I expect she was a bit hurt by this, but tough! I was the one having the baby, and I can't explain why I didn't want my Mum there, I just didn't! It doesn't mean I don't love her or want her involved, I just didn't want her there at the delivery.

You just need to respect your daughters wishes gracefully and leave it at that.

I didn't want anyone visiting me, either - it wasn't anything personal I just wanted time along to adjust and recover.

It's a bit of a minefield. When I had DD I specifically said no one but PIL and my parents at the hospital, all comers welcome after that. One SIL and her husband barged their way in to see DD when she was in SCBU as I was being told off by the mws for being crap at breastfeeding and another SIL and her bloke bullied their way in past the mws during quiet time and woke me up from the first sleep I'd had in over 48 hours.

The SIL who barged into SCBU has just had her first. No one was allowed to know she'd gone in although PIL called DH. There was then a ban on saying anything and DH wasn't even told if his sister was out of theatre ok and if the baby was alright until nearly 24 hours after the event. He was really hurt and I was livid on his behalf. But what can you say? It's up to them.

All I know is that if there is a next time this one rule for them and another for me ends and I will bit a damn sight more assertive.

I was so happy when I discovered that the hospital in which I gave birth second time around and temporarily suspended all visiting. It was heaven; birth partners only. It was possibly the most peaceful experience on the post-natal ward and saved me the job of refusing all visitors.

I was quite happy to see people at home, when I'd had the chance to shower, wash my hair, and relax.

Give your daughter a break.

notfeelinggreat I think you are over-reacting - she is just asking for a bit of a break when she's had her baby, that's all. It will be overwhelming for her, and she wants time to bond with the baby. No-one has any right to question or feel hurt over that.

She isn't closing you out, she just wants a little bit of time to recover after a major life event.

Remember, it isn't just you that will want a quick look and a cuddle, the rest of your family, her boyfriends family, close friends etc will all want the same, and if she says yes to you coming, how can she say no to everyone else? I can completely understand why she might want no visitors rather than an onslaught.

Once she's had the baby and been transferred to the ward it could only be a few hours until she is discharged anyway (and probably not that long in terms of visiting hours) e.g if she has the baby after 3 pm she probably won't be up to the ward before the end of visiting, then would leave the next day before visiting hours and be at home for you to see your grandchild anyway!

If I were you I would be really supportive and accepting and just let her know that whatever she decides is fine. Then if it all goes well she may well call you straight in anyway.

She may only be in hospital for a few hours. She needs that time to rest and get to know her new baby. Her partner and her will also need time together with the baby to get used to the idea of being a new family. Of course you will be a part of that family, but they do need their space. If you intrude up on that, however well meaning, she will resent you for it.

I am also reminded of a work colleague who's PIL turned up uninvited at the hospital after rushing out as soon as they were informed, only to be confronted with things both she and they would rather not have shared.

I am due in a couple of weeks and I am so grateful to my mother for a) letting me know she is available whenever I need her, just say the word and b) not being pushy or suggesting if/when I should be calling on her. Knowing that she is respecting my needs makes me more comfortable with having her around, because I know she won't be intrusive.

I think you are taking it far too personally. Tbh, it sounds like you are trying to make it all about you, which is very selfish isn't it?

Your daughter will have just pushed another human out of her, or she will may have had to have major surgery if needed.

In either case, she will want to get to know her new baby without outside influence taking up her time. She will need to learn how to feed the baby, get to know the baby and rest. She will not be able to do that if more people than are absolutely necessary are bothering her. That's what visitors do. They bother.

All she has asked is that you not visit her in the hospital, which is perfectly reasonable. If everything goes well she will be out very quickly anyway.

I think you would rapidly enter the category of Gran-from-hell if you just barged into the hospital. How about asking if it would be ok to be there to welcome them home, if you are the type of mum to make them tea and a snack when they arrive home?