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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset my dd1 dont want me visiting her in hospital after her birth

244 replies

notfeelinggreat · 30/07/2010 18:06

she now 41 weeks and she just told me she don't want me going to see her or new baby in hospital and i have to wait while she comes home after being in over night or more .

i understand if that's what she wishers but it as hurt me lots in fact am crying over this, i don't interfere usually but i have told her i am very hurt over this and asked why she don't want me visiting , she didnt really have an answer, but i think it may be her boyfriend or is she ashamed of me? i know they need time when then the baby comes as a family but i would live a little visit to see it, i know she worked up at this moment in time as she just wants her baby out.

am i being unreasonable to think i should be able to go and see my grandchild in hospital after its born? as anyone else had this and still been able to go and see when they come?

she wants me to have the baby when she goes back to work but yet she closing me out so ealy on.

OP posts:

Zondra · 30/07/2010 18:52

Noone wants every Tom,Dick & Harry coming to gawk,but,this is her own mother.Not some randoms that used to live in your granny's street or your dad's dog's brother.

I loved having my family come to see me,it was so emotional & I felt really loved.I'd had a terrible time with DS & was in my own room so,I really looked forward to visitor times.

I suppose if your not that close to your mother then it doesn't matter to you to have them visit & a week or 2 wait is fine.

NormaSknockers · 30/07/2010 18:54

YABU.

You need to respect what your daughter is asking & take a step back. She needs time to recover from the birth, to bond, to have some time with just her, DP & the baby.

Surely you can understand that?

differentID · 30/07/2010 18:57

Zondra- Take a look at some other threads where posters are describing certain problems with their mothers, many of which stem from the day of the birth where the new parents wishes have been rode roughshod over. It can lead to huge arguments.

BuckBuckMcFate · 30/07/2010 19:00

Notfeelinggreat, I'm going to go against the majority on this thread and say that imo YANBU.

I think it makes more sense to have visitors in hospital as they are confined to visiting times. Your DD would not feel under any obligation to play hostess from her hospital bed. The baby's new family get to see the newest member of their family and then your DD can go home and bond with her baby free from visitors as they have already seen the baby.

I think it is understandable that you want to see your daughter who has just had a baby. I know I would want to see my DD at a time like that.

But I do think if you go against her wishes it will only cause further trouble.

Sorry you're in this situation, please try not to let it affect your relationship with your DD

DuelingFanjo · 30/07/2010 19:02

The baby will still be there when you visit. you need to take a step back and not be so upset about it. Let her have the birth and recovery she asks for and then go to see her when she's ready. Unless there's other underlying issues between you and her or her partner then I think you have to accept that some women want and need space.

OrmRenewed · 30/07/2010 19:04

I can see why you are upset. But she might only be in hospital for less than 24 hours after the birth. When I had my babies I was in for a week more or less - if I had told my parents and MIL they couldn't come to see me and the baby that would have been unreasonable.

DuelingFanjo · 30/07/2010 19:08

Zondra - even women who are very close to their mums sometimes ask for a few days alone to ajust and bond. Asking for a bit of space doesn't mean they are not close or that that they won't appreciate their help and advice later.

diddl · 30/07/2010 19:11

OP-she might change her mind.
I would leave it as it is-but you might get a call telling you that baby has been born & asking you to visit in hospital.

For those of you who think that OPs daughter IBU, after giving birth, was the first thing you wanted really to see your Mum?

Beattiebow · 30/07/2010 19:11

it's possible her wishes will change after she has had the baby. I would wait untl you get the phone call and then ask if you can pop in for a few minutes. I know I was very happy to show my baby off then.

(and in any case my mother ignored me and my 2 sisters and just turned up at the hospital/home each time within minutes of the babies being born - maybe you should wait a bit longer thhan that!)

Zondra · 30/07/2010 19:12

differentID,I appreciate that there are people that do not want their mothers visiting them in hospital after giving birth,I just personally don't understand it.

I just know I would want to visit my daughter as soon as I could.I wouldn't be battering down the labour suite doors as soon as the cord was cut but,after she's had a good proper sleep,then yeah.

I just think it's odd that so many people seem to not want their mum to visit.
I thought it was the norm!
I'm obviously in the minority.

Beattiebow · 30/07/2010 19:12

after a shower i was pretty euphoric and willing to see anyone really! for me it was days later when I was knackered/emotional that I was less willing to have visitors

OrmRenewed · 30/07/2010 19:15

I agree beattie. I wanted everyone to see this miracle that I had performed I couldn't wait.

fluffles · 30/07/2010 19:15

these days most new mothers are discharged as soon as they have had a sleep and cleaned up and been to the toilet.

it's not like the days when a 3-5day stay was the norm.

i wouldn't necessarily expect there to be time for anybody to visit before discharge (but then i'll want out of there asap!).

loopyloops · 30/07/2010 19:17

I'm sorry, and understand why you are upset, but YABU.

I'm still, over a year on, cross with people who visited without asking first when I was in hospital (different situation, stillborn DTD1 and 8 week prem DTD2).

She may well change her mind but please try and understand that she might want to just be with her baby and its daddy.

Zondra · 30/07/2010 19:17

Beattiebow-that is how I felt too!

Zondra · 30/07/2010 19:21

Loopyloops-so to read what you went through.
Obviously in a situation like that it is unacceptable of visitors to just turn up.So insensitive.

MistyB · 30/07/2010 19:22

This must be tough but I can see your daughter's point of view. Bearing in mind that she is 41 weeks and her primeval instincts are probably taking over. In the animal kingdom, mothers go off on their own to have their babies and hide them until they and their babies are ready to be introduced into the world.

Yes, I know that Mums like to be around to witness their babies big moments, but this is the moment when your baby becomes a Mummy and many women need to make that first step on their own. She probably also wants to make sure that the magical bubble moment when the love hormones are at their highest is shared between her, her OH and the baby.

It's a magical but daunting step and she probably couldn't explain because she may not know why she feels like this but just knows that it has to be this way. And maybe trying to put her confused feelings into words might have hurt you and her even more if things came out wrong or were misinterpreted so she choose to say nothing.

BTW: This is not unusual!

megapixels · 30/07/2010 19:25

YANBU. But I think you need to respect your daughter's wishes. There probably is a reason she doesn't want you there. After I'd had my PFB and relatives were visiting, my mother was regaling everyone by making fun of how I was shouting (though I wasn't) while in labour . Apparently respectable women don't make any noise. I think she was trying to be funny. When she saw the shock and hurt on my face she stopped, but I never forgot it. I thought then that if I ever had another, she wouldn't be there. I never told this to her though, I just wanted a line drawn under it. Not to hear excuses or justifications or apologies. The hurt was already done.

She was with my PFB when I had my second baby. She got to see baby soon after birth, but didn't get to come in during or hang around outside. In short, she wasn't allowed to see me in labour.

We have a good relationship.

Your daughter may have a reason, but please don't ask. It's not the time for stress or upset for her. Just respect her wishes. But I do feel for you.

TotorosOcarina · 30/07/2010 19:25

I really feel for you, I had my mum at all my births (2 at home) and my family were all at my house within hours, in fact my DH went to get my granny an hour after DS2 was born!

I wouldn't want to wait to see my grandchild either,

but not much you can do

hairytriangle · 30/07/2010 19:25

"I would wait untl you get the phone call and then ask if you can pop in for a few minutes. I know I was very happy to show my baby off then."

No way! If I was the OP's daughter and that happened, it would make me feel like the OP STILL didn't respect my wishes, and was STILL trying to get her own way (espec if feeling emotional after the birth).

Why do parents (or people in general) seem to think it's their right to visit? It's entirely up to the mother to decide what happens when - birth is amazing, exhausting and emotional!

arses · 30/07/2010 19:29

If she has you to visit, she may feel obliged to have her MIL etc also, then others.

It is not a snub, but a request for privacy for one day of her life - one of the most momentous days of her life.

Did you have visitors immediately after birth? If so, how did you feel about it?

Bear in mind she is overdue now and may well change her mind if she has a straightforward delivery. Respect her wishes and be prepared for what might be. You will see your new grandchild soon!

Beattiebow · 30/07/2010 19:30

hairytriangle the daughter could always say no.

my sister was adamant my mum couldn't visit her before the birth, but wasn't angry at her turning up afterwards.

If she is 41 weeks, she is likely to be pretty pissed off at the moment. It might be all different afterwards.

Original poster

notfeelinggreat · 30/07/2010 19:30

hang on a minute, dont forget i am a mum who as been through this 4 times, and every one is different i could not wait to show my children off and i DO RESPECT HER WISHERS!!! and i understand she not like me am hurt because i want to see that she fine as well as my new grandchild i am not being selfish am sorry a phone text dose not cut it for me we are very close, but i will do what she asks cos that's the kind of mum i am!

i have a ill young dd2 since the day she was born, maybe that's what my problem is, and dd1 is still my baby too .

i have had no help from inlaws with any of my child and i have no mum so maybe i am to over protective, and want to do more for them. i just hope they do ring me when he comes and know they both ok, and yes i will be doing the babysitting for free that's what us mums do.

OP posts:

choufleur · 30/07/2010 19:32

I think YABU. It's only a day. I didn't want anyone at the hospital (was only in overnight) and didn't want people visiting the day i got home. If you can go after she's settled at home then the baby will only be a few days old at most.

LadyBiscuit · 30/07/2010 19:34

I think it's a teeny bit precious to insist on no visitors

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