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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset my dd1 dont want me visiting her in hospital after her birth

244 replies

notfeelinggreat · 30/07/2010 18:06

she now 41 weeks and she just told me she don't want me going to see her or new baby in hospital and i have to wait while she comes home after being in over night or more .

i understand if that's what she wishers but it as hurt me lots in fact am crying over this, i don't interfere usually but i have told her i am very hurt over this and asked why she don't want me visiting , she didnt really have an answer, but i think it may be her boyfriend or is she ashamed of me? i know they need time when then the baby comes as a family but i would live a little visit to see it, i know she worked up at this moment in time as she just wants her baby out.

am i being unreasonable to think i should be able to go and see my grandchild in hospital after its born? as anyone else had this and still been able to go and see when they come?

she wants me to have the baby when she goes back to work but yet she closing me out so ealy on.

OP posts:

poppincandy · 30/07/2010 20:47

YANBU - with my dc I hadn't really thought about it either time about who was going to be present, I really wasn't concerned just wanted the babies to come out!!

Once I had gone into labour, my mum asked if she could come into the delivery room along with my dh, her words 'I can't bear the thought of my baby being in pain and being no where near her, I will sit quietly in the corner and not say a word, your dh can support you'. Bearing in mind I was allowing strangers in (the medical staff) how could I say no to my mum, she sat there, and I wasn't even aware she was there.

Once the children were born, she had a quick cuddle, waited to see child and I were fine, then left us, and visited us at home a week later.

Everyone happy.

FortunateHamster · 30/07/2010 20:48

YABU

I don't get this talk of 'bans' and 'exclusions' - the OP is not being banned from seeing the baby at all, just may have to wait a short while.

I recently had a baby and started out thinking I didn't want visitors at hospital (even had an interesting thread about it which I mean to update at some point about the reality of visitors) - not because I wanted to 'ban' anyone, but because I intended to stay as short a time as possible and thought it would be easier to deal with everyone at home.

As it turned out I had a c-section after two days of labour and because I had to stay a while the easiest thing to do was to have visitors after all. And I found I did want to show him off - but I didn't know that until I got to that point!

However, I will say that it was a bit frustrating when my parents didn't know when to leave. Visiting hours were 3pm-8pm at my hospital and my parents stayed for as long as possible both full days I was there, when I was struggling to keep my eyes open and wanted privacy for breastfeeding. It was nice to see them, and I do think it's good to make an effort to include grandparents, but I don't think they have a right to automatically visit without the mother's say-so.

I get being hurt, but not making a fuss when you don't know what will actually happen post-birth and when it doesn't make much of a difference to wait a few hours or a day to see the baby. The mother is the one who's been through birth - why not let her decide?

carriedababi · 30/07/2010 20:48

why on earth do people think this is hurtful?

you only have to wait a day!

i'm quite shocked at some peoples attitides on here.

sheeplikessleep · 30/07/2010 20:49

there's a difference between 'visitors' or 'people' and your own mum.
i didn't want friends visiting in hospital, but i needed a big hug off of my sisters and my mum and dad.
but then i'm trying to make sense of why nfg dd has asked her not to visit, without this, it is difficult to imagine why (for me anyway).
without knowing the type of relationship you have with your daughter, the relationship between your daughter and her oh, her own feelings and fears towards the birth and having a new baby etc etc, it's difficult to give a perspective either way.

lovely74 · 30/07/2010 20:49

This is such a personal thing and I can see both sides. I completely understand why you are upset OP, but I can also see your daughter's point of view and I think that is what needs to be respected, even if you don;t completely understand why she feels like this.

Despite what some of the posters have said, having your first baby is mind blowing / life changing frightening bewildering wonderful...I won;t go on but I could! It's the point where you and your partner become a family, and of course GP's are family too, the focus should be the new family, mum dad and DC, if that is what they want.

Let her have this precious time with her DP and DC if that is what she wants. It sounds as though you are already feeling that she is "cherry picking" your time - good enough to babysit but not good enough to visit. I don't think that's it at all.

Good luck to you and your daughter

Original poster

notfeelinggreat · 30/07/2010 20:52

what again i will do as she asks and i would not dream of taking my 3 year old to hospital she spends why to much time there as it is!!

this thread as got way out of hand fgs i am hurt that she don't want to see her mum soon after years just 5 mins would do, but maybe am hurt cos i realise she don't need me any more and she grown up. it will come to you all you know!!

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 30/07/2010 20:53

Different strokes for different folks really. I said in another thread (about mothers in law) that I didn't grow up in an environment where family or extended family were in and out of eachothers houses and lives. Maybe the OP's daughter wants to hve time with her 'new' family, her BF and baby. I don't think that's cruel or mean.

The childcare arrangements the OP and her daughter have agreed on for the future and really not important here.

hairytriangle · 30/07/2010 20:54

Deny access? Erm grand parents don't actually have access rights to their grand children.

undercovamutha · 30/07/2010 20:56

nfg - you have hit the nail on the head I think. She is growing up and will soon have a new family, in ADDITION to her existing family.

You will have a whole new role, and I think you will find you are included more than you expect. As I said, my mum didn't visit until the next day, but I have never rung her up so much since I had DCs, asking her every question in the book, from temperatures to recipes! I think she gets fed up from hearing from me these day .

Be excited and look on the positive side.

thesecondcoming · 30/07/2010 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PowderMum · 30/07/2010 21:02

Just read quickly through this thread and to the OP i think YANBU, however each time I read a thread about banning people from visiting babies or wanting to spend time at home with babies and not letting visitors just make me sad.
I had difficult pregnancies, and my Mum was taking me to hospital daily, I was very overdue and eventually induced with my first. She was born in the middle of the night and I couldn't wait to introduce her to my family at visiting time the next day. Parents PIL, Brother, Sisters and Partners. Then once I was at home again I relied on my Mum as I was not well and she great, collecting prescriptions, shopping, flower arranging etc.
For no2 also induced and after a 36 hour labour she finally out in an appearance around tea time. PIL were there within minutes with DD1 and I was happy to welcome them, even though I was tired and in pain. Parents arrived soon after.

In the UK today we are drifting away from a sense of family and for me this is not good for society.

OP I think that if your DD expects your help after the birth she should not be excluding you now.

echt · 30/07/2010 21:04

Chunky pickle - you say the two sides shown by posters indicates they don't understand each other. I prefer to think they do, but don't happen to agree. :0

pranma · 30/07/2010 21:04

Sorry love YANBU at all.I saw my dd and dgs in hospital for a very short visit about an hour after the birth and her m-i-l came a little later.We stayed for 15 minutes each and then left and waited to be invited.My dd and her dh had already said I could be at the hospital when dgc was born but I had gone home.ds-i-l rang for me to go back.[dd asked me to go back to hosp next day for a longer visit].
Maybe if you can promise a very short visit your dd will be ok.If not you have the rest of your life to enjoy your dgc.

venusonarockbun · 30/07/2010 21:04

YANBU. Sorry but for some reason she is cutting you out.

autodidact · 30/07/2010 21:05

Agree agree agree, thesecondcoming.

SirBoobAlot · 30/07/2010 21:06

I understand that you are hurt, and for your sake, I hope she changes her mind - but I agree with what has already been said; maybe she is worried that if she says yes to you, she has to say yes to a whole load of people too.

Before I gave birth, I was terrified, and I said to everyone that they were not to come over until they were asked. My DP and mum were my birth partners, and as it happened I had a (reasonably) straight forward delivery with no tears, so was up for visitors the next day.

Just go with the flow, see how she feels, and just remind her you are there for her if she changes her mind.

autodidact · 30/07/2010 21:07

mumanddadzilla and babyzooki phenomenon?

echt · 30/07/2010 21:10

I think your thoughts are very kind, boobalot, but anyone who could not see the difference in importance between a mother and the rest, has some re-thinking to do.

By this I mean other would-be visitors.

venusonarockbun · 30/07/2010 21:10

You just do not do this to your own mother.

RobynLou · 30/07/2010 21:13

anyone's allowed to ask to be on their own/with just their partner, especially when they've just been through something as huge as giving birth, it's not about the age of the children meaning you love them less, which I don't think anyone would suggest, it's just a woman who at a vulnerable time wants to just have her partner with her.
I'm sure the op will be told the baby's arrived and both mother and baby are well.

DuelingFanjo · 30/07/2010 21:13

what exctly is she 'doing' to her mum. Surely as the person who has been through labour, who has just experienced a life-changing thing... the new mum should be allowed to delay visits if that's what she would prefer without it becoming some kind of 'she must really hate her own mum' thing?

Zondra · 30/07/2010 21:15

Glad to see there are others that share my opinion. Was starting to get a bit frightened that I was a freak & the odd one out!
Autodidact- love it! Too funny!

venusonarockbun · 30/07/2010 21:18

What is she doing? She is cutting out her own mum. Surely she could squeeze in some time for her own mum to visit?

RobynLou · 30/07/2010 21:20

I just don't understand how asking for no visitors for 24hours after birth=cutting out your mother/restricting access - it's 24hours!

differentID · 30/07/2010 21:20

When she could be spending it learning how to feed her new baby, especially if she has chosen to bf?

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