to be upset my dd1 dont want me visiting her in hospital after her birth

[notfeelinggreat]

she now 41 weeks and she just told me she don't want me going to see her or new baby in hospital and i have to wait while she comes home after being in over night or more .

i understand if that's what she wishers but it as hurt me lots in fact am crying over this, i don't interfere usually but i have told her i am very hurt over this and asked why she don't want me visiting , she didnt really have an answer, but i think it may be her boyfriend or is she ashamed of me? i know they need time when then the baby comes as a family but i would live a little visit to see it, i know she worked up at this moment in time as she just wants her baby out.

am i being unreasonable to think i should be able to go and see my grandchild in hospital after its born? as anyone else had this and still been able to go and see when they come?

she wants me to have the baby when she goes back to work but yet she closing me out so ealy on.

Oh yes, i do agree, but I think everyone has a right to privacy when in hospital, is what I suppose I;m saying

Had my DD 5wks ago and didn't want anyone to visit me in hospital.
She was born at 9:30am. My PIL were phoning my DH all day for updates. In the end I said they could come and visit (figured it would stop the annoying phone calls!)

Several people have said she may change her mind after the birth. The reality might be that she will 'give in' to a visit.

I really wish it had just been me and DH for that special time. We will never get that time again.

OP,if it is nuinely about checking that her and her newborn are okay, then surely a phonecall is enough?
Suspect it is more about you wanting to be part of this major life event.
YABU if you think you should be able to visit the hospital, even though I understand you might want to.
I think you are going along with'her wishes rather than respecting them.
At 41wks she doesn't need you putting a guilt trip on her by saying you're hurt and demanding a reason.

I asked my family not to visit for the first 10 days after DD was born, so that we could have time to adjust to life together as a new family. I was so glad to see my mum when she came to visit, and I love her all the more for understanding that it was really important to me and DP to have a chance to settle in together with the new baby and for me to learn how to be a mother as well as a daughter.

Well, arse, if you insist on being so subjective, then go ahead, but it's a minefield for clear communication, and I would avoid it.

The projection of "knowing " what another person thinks is especially damaging, as it has everything to do with the projector and doesn't help the discussion.
It's akin to "he makes me feel", not just a form of words, but a placing of responsibility in the wrong place.

We'll have to agree to disagree about the meanings to be inferred by silences.

I was thinking about this overnight because I know I felt the same when I had my DS but I wasn't sure why.

No-one would disturb an animal and her newborn for fear of causing the mum to reject the babies or in extreme cases to kill them. Human mums have been known to reject their babies and in extreme cases to kill them too. Even English law acknowledges that with provision for infanticide.

I'm not saying for a moment that anything this extreme would happen, of course it wouldn't, but surely if we recognise that animal mums need to be left alone, this lady should be allowed the same courtesy.

I think the OP's DD must do as pleases; it would just be good for her to explain herself to her mum, who has been left in the dark as to her reasons.

I might add that these reasons are not for benefit of MN, but to put the OP's mind at rest.

lolol Kathyjelly! Are you saying that family visitors should be kept away to keep the infanticide rates down?

I think it's interesting and quite worrying/sad how many people are not prepared to let the people who love them see them at vulnerable times and don't want even their nearest and dearest to see blood or 1st breastfeeding attempts or weepy tiredness. My family (dad, sister, parents in law) were around in the immediate aftermath of both my births, as soon as I was professed more or less medically fit. The first time I was pretty ill, really. My family coming in, gently and respectfully, but full of the wonder and joy of meeting our twins, their first grandchildren, was a very important signal that everything was alright and we were all alive (just about in my case!)and the boys were perfect and the celebration should start! I felt utterly physically and emotionally drained but their presence ensured that there are very good memories in the mix. They were also an immense support for my partner who had watched things get very dicey and was pretty terrified. That is quite apart from their own delight at being there.

The birth of my daughter was very different and I was on a high and desperate to show her off. They were in turn longing to see her.

It just seems bizarre to me that people who have reasonably good relationships with their parents and in-laws would seek to keep them away if they are keen to be there, and, ime, most/many are keen to be there. Once the new mother is medically fit and the parents have had a couple of hours to gaze in wonder, it does seem mean to me to deny close family the chance to meet the new baby and reassure themselves that the mother has survived the birth experience.

No of course not. I'm just saying if the daughter feels the need to hole up with her new born for 24 hours, then the needs of mother & baby come first. Surely her mother can empathise with what is a pretty fundemental instinct.

What autodidact said.

Why is it worrying that people prefer not to be seen by family at vunerable times? She will have her Bpyfriend, the father of her child, there to comfort her and then both their families later. I don't think it means she doesn't love her family.

YANBU, in fact I cannot even begin to understand anyone banning their own mum from visiting in hospital. Yes I understand it is tiring giving birth etc but it's not as if you are being asked to play in a rugby match is it. Normally the grandparents will just ooh and ahh at the baby, a bit of small talk and then leave. I would never dream of excluding my mum at all. In fact she was there throughout the births of my three children and my DH and I would have been lost without her. Your DD is being very unreasonable. Sorry you have to go through that, I would be very hurt too

I hate OP's attitude that she somehow has a right to be there and I bet will guilt trip her daughter enough to get her way.

Exactly like my Mother, she has said no. I cannot understand the notion that there is anything wrong in wanting a little time to recover without having other people there.

If OP can't or won't understand this I do fear for her daughter in the future! Not everyone wants or needs their Mother when they have a baby, I certainly didn't. Their Mother may needto be there but that is a different issue.

In addition to the above, my mum stayed with us for two weeks after the birth of my DD as I was awfully ill and my DH and I were very grateful for this. Autodidact said it better than me though

Oh and when she did come all she did was stick a camera so far in DS's face with the blooming flash on and take pictures over and over and over again that I thought he'd go blind......

Whatever any of us think or did or didn't do, it is actually the right of the woman giving birth to decide.

It is absolutely the daughter's right to decide. She also should not be manipulated by tears to change her mind. I say again to op, using my own experience this time, I wish I was secure enough in my relationship with my mother to be able to ask her for space, and know she will understand and respect that with no loss.

Op do tell your daughter how proud you are that she is able to ask this of you. It is a big deal to her and will indicate here and now the respect you will show her while she role changes into a mother.

X

Of course it's the woman's right to decide. There's not much notfeelinggreat can do if her daughter has chosen to shut her out and not allow her see the baby till it's a few days old. She can only hope that her daughter will change her mind when push comes to shove. But we can still say whether or not this sounds like a reasonable and kind thing to do on the part of the daughter, as we've been asked. As I've said already, unless there are relationship difficulties, which seems unlikely given proposed childcare arrangements, my opinion is that it sounds unkind and self-absorbed. It shows a lack of understanding about how (good) parents feel about offering support to their adult children when they are undergoing life-changing experiences and also about the excitement and anticipation they will probably feel about a newborn grandchild. All in all quite a major failure of empathy and a real shame.

Perhaps of daughter id´s self absorbed by not wanting her mum there, & Op is self absorbed by thinking she has a right to be there, then that is the problem.

Perhaps Op´s daughter is nervous of how her mum might be at the hospital.

"Normally the grandparents will just ooh and ahh at the baby, a bit of small talk and then leave."

Now wouldn´t that be ideal?
If that was the case maybe there wouldn´t be people thinking of asking them not to visit.

I really can't see why the daughter wanting to be on her own for a small time after the birth is so hurtful and dreadful. She is not saying never, just not right now please mum.

And ffs, if you can't be self absorbed when you have just given birth, when can you, really? Why on earth do women have to be endlessly self sacrificing and put other people's needs first?

Some people might love to have their mum there and others not. It's not indicative of cruelty, selfishness or some massive personality defect if they don't!

I remember quite vividly saying after the birth of my second child that I didn't want anyone visiting me or the baby in hospital. I am easily irritated by others at the best of times and knew that after child birth I'd be even more so. I didn't expect or really care if anyone was offended by that, tbh, having a baby primarily involved my husband and I.

Now, I am lucky enough to live far enough away from my family not to have to be concerned about things like that. However, my Mum, who had her MIL practically forced upon her during labour/childbirth would never presume to think she had a right to be there.

OP YANBU, but my Mum was at the birth of both DD's and my Dad came to the delivery suite as soon as they were born. It was lovely to share it with them

I don't really get the reasoning about wanting to be alone with baby and dp/h to bond. There were so many mw's, paeds etc popping in all the time. A quick visit from loving family hardly seems much of an intrusion on top of that.

I think some posters have been very harsh on the OP. She has only asked if she is BU for feeling hurt. She hasn't said that she's going to barge in anyway.

autodidact - "her daughter has chosen to shut her out.*

Saying "shut her out" is drawing some judgemental assumption.

The daughter needs to be alone with baby and baby's father for the first day or two after the birth. That seems a normal need to me.

Yabu. I hated being visited after I had DS and wanted everyone to get away from me.

When I was pregnant with DD I made it quite clear I wanted everyone to keep their distance, although this was partly to keep P's family away. I was much happier after the birth and the few visits I did get were kept short and sweet.

I really don't think your daughter is trying to hurt you. She probably just needs a few days to recover and have some peace and quiet.

Having spent 7 weeks in hospital (inlcuding 3 days of inducing and 24 hour labour for the birth of my DS all this needing to be alone with the baby is complete nonsense. You don't get time alone in hospital and even I had my own room for a few days after baby was born and couldn't wait for my mum and mil to see their new grandchild. I had both dcs late at night and dh had to go home after an hour or so, he wasn't allowed to stay over night and nor should he have been allowed to.
with DD I had the baby at night and was out by lunch time before visiting time so mum was waiting for me at home, looking after DS.

I am finding the stances taken by both sides to be genuinely intriging.

Personally, I would have preferred no visitors for the first day with DC1, as it was a section, and I was not feeling well. (I threw up all over the bed when the ILs arrived for their visit, but MIL is so very practical and helped out.) After that it was fine, but really the first few hours, I could have done without visitors. Especially as I so badly wanted sleep.

For DC2, I gave birth naturally at 11pm and was home the next day at 1pm, so less than 24 hrs. No time for visiting in the hospital, which was 20 miles away from home anyway. As my parents had been looking after dc1, they collected her from nursery at the usual time (she was 3.9 yrs), and also collected my MIL (FIL having sadly died between the 2 dcs) and everyone came together for that first visit.

My mum was not present at either birth, and I know she would not have wanted that, despite our very good relationship.

Luckily my parents and MIL are the type to make those short visits and don't hang around. They came, cooed, hugged me, had a quick cup of tea made by the other half, and said their goodbyes. And left us a few days to settle. Great!

But I can see the other side. When in hospital after both births, I saw new mums being overwhelmed by visitors, and in some cases it was clear both mum and baby were distressed. That isn't good, and people should remember to be considerate when visiting.

Different people have different background and personalities. What suits one family or person may not suit another, and this should be respected. I think the OP is not BU for wanting to visit, but a delay of just a few hours surely should not be considered outrageous