to be upset my dd1 dont want me visiting her in hospital after her birth

[notfeelinggreat]

she now 41 weeks and she just told me she don't want me going to see her or new baby in hospital and i have to wait while she comes home after being in over night or more .

i understand if that's what she wishers but it as hurt me lots in fact am crying over this, i don't interfere usually but i have told her i am very hurt over this and asked why she don't want me visiting , she didnt really have an answer, but i think it may be her boyfriend or is she ashamed of me? i know they need time when then the baby comes as a family but i would live a little visit to see it, i know she worked up at this moment in time as she just wants her baby out.

am i being unreasonable to think i should be able to go and see my grandchild in hospital after its born? as anyone else had this and still been able to go and see when they come?

she wants me to have the baby when she goes back to work but yet she closing me out so ealy on.

Reading this thread makes me very thankful that I have a mother who, when it counts, thinks of me rather than herself. I like to think I do the same for my mum, e.g. when she has been ill in the past, and I will be very proud if I manage to do the same for my DD and DS.

It would never occur to me that my mum would have been upset having not seen either DC for the first 24hrs of their life. I KNOW she was fine with it, cos she is the sort of mother who would be most concerned about my well-being, rather than her own needs.

I think it's quite interesting that there's so many posters saying 'I have a right to be alone and bond with my baby' which is true, but then so many people post about how their mother or family doesn't do any childcare/is interested/visits etc. I'm guessing that most of the people whose parents help out a lot were involved from the start. I wanted my children to be children of the whole family, my mum attended the birth and the grandfather and great-gran all popped the next day (for a whole half hour). I think you are welcome to set up as many boundaries as you like with your close family, but don't be surprised later on when they are a little less invested or keep you at your word.

No advice for the OP other than I do sympathise.

Some of us really aren't expecting any childcare help from our mums though. I'm not, although my mum has said she would be happy to have the baby one day a week when I am back in work which will be nice and I would really appreciate.

That's what I love, I get no help from my Mother. I don't want it and it means I don't 'owe' her as some people seem to think

I do feel there seems to be this whole generation of women who still seem to need their Mothers far into adulthood. I don't need my Mother at all, if I want childcare I pay for it. I find it much easier to keep childcare strictly professional, with a professional who can say no chocolate and bed at 7pm and they will do it, GP's seem to think it's their right to 'indulge' their GC's and do things the parents don't want. They also seem to think it's their right to force themselves upon women who've just had babies that specifically have said don't want them there....

I think I could completely trust my mum not to feed my baby chocolate to be fair. I just don't think it's my mum's job to provide childcare. She is retired now but has a very full life and so I have never thought that any of my childcare needs would be met by her. I love her a lot and am happy for her to be involved but no way would I expect it and no way would she think I owed her anything if she did help out.

That is really sad Strictly a relationship with your mother shouldn't be about owing anything. Children love being indulged by their GPs, mine do and have a very special relationship with their nans. My motther is a very special person to me who is always there for me, she didn't get replaced just because I also have a DH.l
It's not about a mother forcing herself on her daughter, but a GM who is excited to see the new member of the family. The GPS i know care and worry about their grandchildren as much as their children. It's not something they can turn off and have seen the heartbreak when GPs can't see their grandchildren because of a break up in the marriage.
I do know not all GPs are lovely I did have a fairly evil GM myself but that is another story.

For me it wasn´t about the "right to be alone"-more that I was fücking terrified about giving birth, & wanted to wait & see & tell people when they could come.

YANBU to want to see the baby early on but I'm currently 39 weeks pregnant with my first and I can understand your DD saying she doesn't want visitors at the hospital and I think it is unreasonable to expect the right to visit and to push her for an answer on why she's not comfortable with this.

I'm not sure I would want family to arrive when I'm still shattered after labour, trying to establish breastfeeding/change the first nappies/coping with blood loss/getting stitches etc. I naturally like to be fairly organised/in control and at this point I think it would be an extra worry/pressure if I had to think about whether my parents or in-laws would be turning up.

However, I really don't know how I will actually feel having given birth and I might be keen to have visitors straight away (unfortunately as my parents are in NZ and in-laws down South that's not going to happen)... but I could imagine that pre-birth I would ask everyone not to turn up at the hospital.

I don't believe it is a personal criticism of you, just that your DD doesn't want an extra thing to think about when she's already overdue and probably nervous about giving birth.

Anyway, I hope she gives birth safely soon and that you can all celebrate the arrival of your grandchild once she is home!

When I was pg I said I didn't want visitors for a few days after the birth. It wasn't meant to offend anyone but I felt I needed time to bond with ds and establish bf. After the birth though I felt totally different and couldn't wait to show him off so my mum came to visit within a few hours. My inlaws came 2 days later and stayed 3 days which was way too long but short visits were fine.

Op your daughter doesn't know how she'll feel after the birth but if you try to make her feel guilty she'll resent you for it. Try to be supportive and she may change her mind. Congratulations on your soon to be dgc!

Whilst I appreciate that some cannot understand why some of us did not want our mother or MIl to visit as soon as the baby is born, I do not understand why others would want their mother in the delivery room when the baby is born. for me, that was a moment for me and DH to share. I did not invite my mother to the conception, so why would I invite her to the birth?

As far as OP's dd is concerned, she has not said the OP cannot see the baby at all, she is not cutting her out. She is just saying that she wants a little time ( a few hours) with her baby before the OP visits. I do not see that as in any way uncaring, precious, self centred or any of the other unkind comments that have been made about her on this thread. I also do not understand why she has to justify herself and her reasons to anyone else.

Well, for a first birth, I don't think it's obvious that it will only be a few hours. I actually agree that you might not want hordes of visitors in the first few hours, but most people I know, especially those who had a c-section, or even just a long birth were in for a few days. If it's 'no hospital' rule, that could be quite a while.

As for saying 'I don't need my mother' for childcare, how strange to equate having your parents in your lives with formal childcare 'needs'. It's about children having layers of people to bond with, not just a tiny nuclear family (unless of course the wider family is really awful in some way). There are many many threads on here about people who would like more input from their parents and would like granny to be there more, and that perhaps thinking about not setting up lots of huge boundaries around access, food and all such 'issues' may not be a bad thing, although I don't think that should extend to seeing them moments after birth if that's not appropriate for you.

I remember being stuck on a ward of 6, between sink and bin, just one hour after my section. Was desperate for a sleep, and getting to grips with what had just happened. Both mine and DH's family are abroad, so the possibility of them turning on the day was very unlikely. I might otherwise have considered to have my mother visiting, but in hindsight, the need for sleep, being shoehorned between bin, sink etc... puking every half an hour, losing loads of blood, having the other 6 women bringing family friends etc in a loud cackle while I was trying to BF behind my half closing curtain that someone was pulling every 10 min by mistake.... I am happy not to have had anyone visiting for my own sake, and for the sake of anyone else on the ward who might have been struggling too.

My mother wanted to be phoned as soon as I went into labour so she could come to the hospital and see the baby as soon as it was born - her first grandchild. I spent the last few months of my pregnancy either trying to avoid the conversation, gently telling her that I didn't want anybody there immediately afterwards (apart from dh obviously). Her main argument was that everybody else she knew was allowed to be there and it was her first grandchild. At the end of the day dh phoned her along with everybody else after I had had a 24 hour labour and emergency c/s. She turned up and completely ruined what should have been a very special moment by standing in the corner with a face like thunder trying to pick an argument with dh for not letting her know so she could get there in time.

We have never really gotten over it. So I guess IMO while you desperately may want to be there, it is your daughters decision whatever the reason, don't let it spoil what should and will I'm sure be one of the most special occasions for both of you. Give her the time she wants to bond with her new baby. You could request to be the first to see the baby whenever she's ready. A fair compromise IMO that I would have been very happy with.

In actual fact to add insult to injury my step dad was the first to see ds as he bumped into us being moved to the ward!!

This isn't a discussion about who is at the the birth. It's about when a loving grandparent might reasonably expect to lay eyes on their new grandchild and, perhaps even more importantly check with their own 2 eyes that their daughter or son has weathered the birth experience. A few hours for the parents to gaze adoringly on their own is absoluterly fine. I thought it at least a day and possibly more we were talking about here?

I love my mother very much and we are very close. But I don't like having lots of people round me when I feel vulnerable, and that includes her and my father. As such, I wouldn't want them visiting me in hospital immediately after the birth, I would want time to compose myself and come to terms with things, I don't like a fuss at all. So the next day would be ideal for me, unless the baby were born early morning for example in which case I might want visitors in the afternoon if you get me. I do think I have the right to make that choice without being branded heartless or selfish, why should my wants be cast aside in favour of others all the time? If my mother were to force her views why would she be any less selfish than me? I think everyone is different and people would be well advised to remember that.

It would also be one of my worst nightmares having my mother at the birth itself, well anyone other than DH to be fair. I'm due today (no sign yet ) so this has been playing on my mind a lot.

PS: I won't and don't expect any childcare from my parents (although I don't think it has or should have a bearing). Partly because we prefer our independence and partly because they live a prohibitive distance away for it to be a regular thing. Luckily my parents are not demanding and as such value my feelings over their's at a time when it matters.

autodidact I don't think here is any right amount of time for new parents to be alone with their newborn, it's not prescriptive. If a couple want to be alone for more than a few hours or even a few days then that's ok.

I wonder if some of the discussion on this thread is caused by there being different ideas about how long mothers stay in hospital.
Just had my first and came out the same day. At our hospital we are told that unless there are complications they try to get everyone, even first time mothers, out in less than 12 hours.
With this in mind the OP might have to wait all of (shock, horror) less than half a day, to see her grandchild.

Echt:

"The projection of "knowing " what another person thinks is especially damaging, as it has everything to do with the projector and doesn't help the discussion"

Firstly if you have an opinion that weighs on either side of an argument on a discussion thread related to people you do not know, you are projecting knowledge of the situation. Your reaction to the situation outlined in the thread is no less coloured by your own thoughts, feelings and experiences than mine: it's the nature of the game.

Communication is predicated on the assumption that words convey meanings about thought: in the context of a written conversation, that inevitably includes both text and subtext. We all read into the words that we see on a page, interpreting tone and imagining the associated nonverbal "metaphorical raising of an eyebrow". You yourself said that your eyebrows were raised.

I didn't say that I knew what you thought, I said I responded to an inferred meaning based on my own thoughts about the topic in hand. When language is opaque, it invites inference: it's a two way process.

My DS has made me and my mum closer in a way I never thought possible. But after I gave birth I didn't want her or anyone else to visit. I didn't say that to them of course. I just resented them being there and got the midwives to come in and tell them to go away because they needed to check my stitches, etc. It's a very hormonal and intensely emotional time.