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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset my dd1 dont want me visiting her in hospital after her birth

244 replies

notfeelinggreat · 30/07/2010 18:06

she now 41 weeks and she just told me she don't want me going to see her or new baby in hospital and i have to wait while she comes home after being in over night or more .

i understand if that's what she wishers but it as hurt me lots in fact am crying over this, i don't interfere usually but i have told her i am very hurt over this and asked why she don't want me visiting , she didnt really have an answer, but i think it may be her boyfriend or is she ashamed of me? i know they need time when then the baby comes as a family but i would live a little visit to see it, i know she worked up at this moment in time as she just wants her baby out.

am i being unreasonable to think i should be able to go and see my grandchild in hospital after its born? as anyone else had this and still been able to go and see when they come?

she wants me to have the baby when she goes back to work but yet she closing me out so ealy on.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 30/07/2010 21:20

she's not cutting her out. She's asking that she visit after she has been discharged from hospital. Talk about a massive over-reaction!

thesecondcoming · 30/07/2010 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GetThePartyStarted · 30/07/2010 21:22

Ladybiscuit As I said, it's great that some people like to show off their newborn, you did and good for you. I get that.

But some people don't. As has been said above, animals generally like to give birth alone, and emerge when they are ready, and it makes sense to me that some people react in the same way. In my case there was no forbidding of anyone, in the end by the time I was in the ward where visitors were allowed visiting hours were over. Everyone met DS the next day.

I also don't get the whole "but it's your mum" thing, to me, while my mother is a grandparent to my son, so is my father, and DP's mother and father. If it is all about meeting/bonding with the newborn, don't they have equal rights? Is it not a bit selfish and precious to only allow your family to see the baby? But I get that other people feel differently - fair enough, we are all individuals.

notfeelinggreat I can understand why you are upset and that you only want to support your daughter which is great. Give her the space to make her own decision and she may well be happy to see you anyway. Congratulations on becoming a grandmother!

RobynLou · 30/07/2010 21:22

and fwiw my parent saw dd within 24hous, and pil within 48, both visited while we were in hospital, but if someone else feels the need to reserve some space for them alone then that's fair enough imo, something that should be accepted even if you can't understand it.

gingercat12 · 30/07/2010 21:22

I am sorry you are feeling upset. In my neck of the woods you would struggle to see your DD in hsopital post birth. The average time spent in the hospital apparently is 6 hours.

Maybe she is just too tired and fed up, as the other posters suggested.

venusonarockbun · 30/07/2010 21:23

Ok im an old mum - so is it normal now to stipulate no visitors?. I couldnt wait for people to see dd1

DuelingFanjo · 30/07/2010 21:24

it's normal for some people and not for others I would say. everyone is different.

RobynLou · 30/07/2010 21:24

thesecondcoming, accepting your children's wishes = showing your love imo

echt · 30/07/2010 21:26

And it cuts both ways, Robyn.

RobynLou · 30/07/2010 21:31

not sure exactly what you mean echt, but everything cuts both ways so yes of course I think...!

SirBoobAlot · 30/07/2010 21:32

echt - I disagree. I live with my mother, and there were some days in the early weeks she didn't see DS because I wanted to be left alone, to get to grips with things, and spend time with DP and DS whilst we adjusted to being a family unit.

And I would appreciate it if you didn't patronise me, thank you.

GetThePartyStarted · 30/07/2010 21:32

thesecondcoming I don't think that you stop loving them, but if your adult dd has an op (to follow your example) and says "mum, I feel like crap, can I see you tomorrow instead?" does that mean she hates you? Of course not. If you care about her enough to treat her like an adult and respect her wishes, does that mean you don't love her? Of course not!

And the bond does change of course it does! You don't wipe your teenagers arse, you don't walk your 25 year old to work. Because they grow up. You still love each other just as much, but your relationship changes.

arses · 30/07/2010 21:37

My family and Dh's were in Ireland so needed to fly over when I gave birth - so everyone knew it would be a few days before we all met together.

My MIL, though a lovely and genuine woman in many respects, suffers greatly with anxiety and can't really stop herself from regaling us all with all the many ways that babies can die. She talks about the ways in which babies can die/hurt themselves/be hurt/be abducted constantly e.g. she recently stayed for a week and there were no fewer than 32 different 'anecdotes' about babies who died tragically and how it could have been prevented during her visit. We think this is because both of her siblings have lost children. It's understandable.. but very difficult to cope with sometimes.

As much as I appreciate her in many ways, I did not want her around when I had given birth as I suspected (quite rightly as it turned out) that my MIL's anxiety and my post-partum hormones would not mix. So, even though I would have loved my mum to stay with us, we had to ask our inlaws to stay at hotels and visit on our terms so that it was equal. My mum knew my reasons.. but I'm sure she was also a bit disappointed. We did the best we could in the situation.

Beattiebow · 30/07/2010 21:39

well I personally can understand why you are upset and I can understand your dds position too, but really it is premature to be thinking about this - you can't know what the position will be until she has given birth. I think you just need to wait and see.

carriedababi · 30/07/2010 21:40

bet some of you lot will make fine

granzilla's!

what the deal with people when they do babysitting, thinking it gives them some sort of right to have a say over things, if you begrudge doing it, don't do it.
shouldn't be done in expectation of something in return.

echt · 30/07/2010 21:45

Boobalot, I wasn't being patronising - I really thought you were kind, and expressed a difficult situation well.

The reference to the re-thinking was not for the new mum, but for a possible visitors who might have felt put out by GP being given priority on visits.

SE13Mummy · 30/07/2010 21:48

notfeelinggreat - I think it's great that, in spite of feeling upset by your daughter's instructions, you're still putting her feelings over your own.

Maybe your daughter has been clumsy with her words and it's more a case of, "I'll let you know when I'm ready for you to come and visit your grandson" but has been delivered as an exclusive instruction because she is worried that the hospital will let you in whilst she's being stitched up/whatever and wants to be clear that she'd like you to visit once she feels ready herself.

When DD1 was born (11 days late) we told both sets of parents that we'd let them know once she'd arrived and that, depending on when she arrived/how long we had to stay in hospital, DH would call them and they could talk about visiting then. In the event DD1 arrived at 02:30 and general visiting wasn't until 15:00. My parents caught the train up (a 2.5 hour journey) to come and visit for 30 minutes at 15:00 then left! They were the perfect visitors and I came home a couple of hours later anyway. My PiL didn't see her until she was 5 days old because they were both ill

DD2 was born on time, at 02:00. We wanted DD1 to see her before the grandparents did so she came along at 15:00 on the dot and the two sets of grandparents each visited in hospital for 20 minute slots co-ordinated by my DH. His parents would have stayed for hours if he hadn't given them time slots; I'd had 2.5 hours of fairly major surgery after DD2's birth so by the time she was 13 hours old I wasn't really up to having visitors as I desperately wanted to sleep.

I know his parents were disappointed at being limited to seeing DD2 for such a small amount of time whereas my parents completely understood that whilst I would never ever want them to feel deprived of seeing their grandchildren, the immediate aftermath of her birth wasn't going to be a high-quality interaction! DD2 and I were in hospital for another 3 days after her birth due to her needing phototherapy treatment in an incubator and me having post-surgical complications; I'd have loved to be visited then as it was a desperately lonely time but 5+ hour train journeys coupled with caring for my niece meant my parents couldn't really do that and I doubt it would have crossed my PiL's minds to drive for 45 minutes to come and visit properly as they'd already seen DD2 - they are lovely and I get on with them brilliantly but their priority was to see their grandchild when she was born, not to keep their DiL company in hospital.

thesecondcoming · 30/07/2010 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirBoobAlot · 30/07/2010 21:53

I apologise then, I obviously read the wrong tone into it

RobynLou · 30/07/2010 21:56

thesecondcoming I 'get it' I just think there are more ways to show you love and care than being with your dd in the first hours after she's given birth, if your presence is not what she wants.

echt · 30/07/2010 21:57

Thanks, boobalot. :0

Stephief · 30/07/2010 21:57

Hi,

I can understand you are feeling shut out, but really I can understand her way of thinking too. I am due a baby any day, I am having a section. I would rather no one came to visit after baby is born as I would rather have the time to feel crap and be left to get on with it in relative peace, and see people when I feel more alive and healthy again. Those first few hours/day are just awful for me. When you have visitors, even parents and family, you are forced to feel like you have to be chirpy and, to some extent, socialise with them, and I know I wont feel like that at all. However, I dont have the guts to tell my mum this! Though saying that, after the last baby was born, she waited until the next day to come in, so I think she understands, it was very very much appreciated.

You have the rest of your grandchilds life to be there for them, give your daughter the few hours she is asking for with a smile and give her one less thing to worry about.

DuelingFanjo · 30/07/2010 21:57

She's not cutting her out! She's making a request that she come and visit later.

GetThePartyStarted · 30/07/2010 22:00

Sorry thesecondcoming, think I explained myself badly. What I meant to say was although you still love them exactly the same amount (or maybe more!), you behave differently because they are older/more grown-up.

I still don't think that the OP is being cut out because she may have to wait 6 hours to see her DGC, but we'll have to agree to disagree

usualsuspect · 30/07/2010 22:08

Granzillas? ffs...thesecondcoming I feel exactly the same as you ..

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