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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset my dd1 dont want me visiting her in hospital after her birth

244 replies

notfeelinggreat · 30/07/2010 18:06

she now 41 weeks and she just told me she don't want me going to see her or new baby in hospital and i have to wait while she comes home after being in over night or more .

i understand if that's what she wishers but it as hurt me lots in fact am crying over this, i don't interfere usually but i have told her i am very hurt over this and asked why she don't want me visiting , she didnt really have an answer, but i think it may be her boyfriend or is she ashamed of me? i know they need time when then the baby comes as a family but i would live a little visit to see it, i know she worked up at this moment in time as she just wants her baby out.

am i being unreasonable to think i should be able to go and see my grandchild in hospital after its born? as anyone else had this and still been able to go and see when they come?

she wants me to have the baby when she goes back to work but yet she closing me out so ealy on.

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 30/07/2010 20:14

df - I can sort of see that. But I believe babies are a blessing for the whole family. Plus I think it's dreadful to not allow your mother to even see the baby when you're expecting her to look after your child when you go back to work. She's not asking to move in - she just wants a chance to a newborn which is so precious. Surely you would want to share that preciousness with everyone who is ever going to love that child?

diddl · 30/07/2010 20:14

But I´m sure they´ll phone you straight away to let you know how mum & baby are doing.

With my first I had no idea how it would be, & couldn´t imagine anything worse than feeling like crap, being "trapped" in bed & have people cooing over baby & making smalltalk.

Maybe your daughter feels the same & wants to wait & see how it goes.

MrsC2010 · 30/07/2010 20:14

If I were in for more than a day or whathaveyou of course people would be invited. But not a few hours after the birth if you see what I mean! Also worth noting that both of our sets of parents live a good few hours away (my parents including a ferry trip), and hospital visitng hours are pretty tight. So it would actually be more sensible and less pressured for them to wait to see us at home.

CoteDAzur · 30/07/2010 20:16

YANBU. Of course she might want privacy and quality time with her partner and her new baby, but you are her mother and I can't think of a reason why you should not be allowed to visit for a few minutes.

Sassybeast · 30/07/2010 20:17

Bewildered at the 'getting to know' a newborn school of thought. You make it sound like the baby will discuss their feelings on world peace OP YANBU but my experiences are clouded by the fact that I would have moved heaven and earth to have my mum around for the births of my kids but she didn't live to see any of them. My MIL is not someone that DH or I have a good relationship with but I wouldn't have dreamt of banning her from visiting her grand child. I think your daughter has a bit of a nerve using you to fulfil the role of grandma when it suits but for the sake of peace and harmony, you'll probably just have to go with it. Rest assured that YANBU to be upset though.

usualsuspect · 30/07/2010 20:18

poor you op .I'm a grandma, so know exactly how this would make you feel ..hope she changes her mind ..One day the shoe will be on the other foot for some on this thread

differentID · 30/07/2010 20:20

notfeelinggreat- As I suggested earlier, why not ask if you could go over to the house to welcome the new baby properly into his/her home? Be there for when they come home with the kettle on and depending on what time they arrive maybe some sandwiches or biscuits/ cake?

Explain that you will abide by her wish not to visit in hospital, but would love to be there when they both come home, as a family for the first time. Maybe with a camera to get loads of photos for the photo album? Let her know though, that if she needs you to get some bits for her while she's still there you ar emore than willing to do so?

Or how about volunteer to do the ringing around so your dd's bf can get back to his new family?

gingernutlover · 30/07/2010 20:21

YANBU to be upset,

And you have clearly said that you will respect her wishes which is why you are having a vent on here instead of to her.

Maybe she is worried about feeding/you taking over/being tired ...... any amount of things that you do worry about when 41 weeks pregnant. Or maybe she genuinely doesnt want anyone there so she can bond with the baby.

Dont worry about it, probably she will be home within 24 hours and will want all the help you can offer.

DuelingFanjo · 30/07/2010 20:22

But the OP's daughter isn't banning her from visiting her grandchild, she has just sked that the visit not be immediate.

Also we don't know if the OP has offered to look after the baby or if she has been asked. Even if she has been asked she shouldn't be agreeing to do so with conditions attached.

moogalicious · 30/07/2010 20:22

agree with diddl - I had my mum visit me and dd1 in the hospital. I was so traumatised and was trying to hold back the tears while everyone made small talk.

If everything goes ok she'll be out in a day.

usualsuspect · 30/07/2010 20:29

I was at my dgs's birth ..my daughter obviously likes me

ChunkyPickle · 30/07/2010 20:29

Hang on - so it's selfish and precious for the new mum to want to have a day to catch her breath, but it's not selfish and precious for the grandmother to want to interrupt that and visit to see her new grandchild....

Ridiculous.

Original poster
notfeelinggreat · 30/07/2010 20:29

i have told her i will be there when ever she needs me, i still have an 3 year old my self so know how hard it can be. she lives about 45 mins away from me and i have as i said an ill child but i will do what i can.. i love my dd and will do what she asks.

OP posts:
lilmamma · 30/07/2010 20:32

I feel sorry for you..does she want no one to visit or just you,i must say i personally find this odd,as i caouldnt wait for visitors and to show off my new baby.

My dd is due in december and has asked me to be there for the birth,along with her partner.we are very close but i would be devastated if she banned me from the hospital

she has plenty of time when she gets home to bond with the baby and once they have been in the hospital they dont usually come to the house,which is better.

hopefully she might come around..x

differentID · 30/07/2010 20:33

so who would be looking after your ill daughter and your 3 yr old?

CoteDAzur · 30/07/2010 20:36

A mother seeing her daughter who has just given birth and her newborn grandchild for a few minutes is not "interrupting"!

GetThePartyStarted · 30/07/2010 20:37

I just don't get the obsession some people have with seeing a newborn (not aimed at you notfeelinggreat) and not caring about the feelings of the new mother and new father, and in the end, what is best for the baby. What is the rush? Will the baby suddenly sprout antlers or something?

It's great that some people feel euphoric after giving birth, and are delighted to see people and show people their new baby. I admire those people, and can understand that doing that makes them happy.

But some people feel like absolute shite after giving birth. I myself lost a lot of blood, fainted in the shower, was hooked upto a drip and was mostly naked for about six hours between monitoring the blood loss and trying to establish breastfeeding. Is it so hard to understand that I did not want to have people coming into my hospital room?

If/when I have grandchildren, I would be delighted if they wanted me to see the baby soon after it was born. But if they wanted me to wait 24 hours (or even longer) I would completely understand, because in the end will be my DIL/DD, her partner and their newborn child who have just gone through an amazing,stressful, traumatic, wonderful day, not me.

Original poster
notfeelinggreat · 30/07/2010 20:37

she asked me to help out while she goes to work, she also asked if when she gets married abroad will bring baby home on second week while she stays with her new husband i said yes as a mother i think she will change her mind but either way i would do it! i dont want any thing in return only to be loved and to love, this does not change our relationship, and yes am venting on here instead of to her,

OP posts:
differentID · 30/07/2010 20:37

It is interruption, if the dd has already stated no visitors at the hospital.

echt · 30/07/2010 20:41

df - we do know that the OP's DD wants her mum to look after the baby.

DiffID - what does the OP's other commitments have to do with her wishes in this instance?

Original poster
notfeelinggreat · 30/07/2010 20:41

my husband the grandfather will be looking after out dd2 when i visit her, and maybe that's why i do want to see my grandchild because i know its not always rosie after the birth( i so hope it is all rosie)

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 30/07/2010 20:44

What is the deal GTPS with forbidding your mum to come and visit? Fair enough if your relationship is strained but given the OP is being asked (unpaid one assumes) to care for her grandchild, I assume it's very strong. And anyway is it really( so awful to see people who you are very close after you've given birth? I had a horribly traumatic CS and was modelling a catheter and support stockings. I saw my family AND my best friend. It was lovely. No one is interested in you anyway, they only want to see the baby

undercovamutha · 30/07/2010 20:44

echt - not sure if you are suggesting that the OP should only agree to look after her DGC whilst her DD works, if her DD agrees to let her visit newborn DGC in the hospital. That sounds like a lovely agreement.

Btw OP, I am not suggesting that you are thinking like this.

differentID · 30/07/2010 20:45

echt- does it mean that if she has no one to look after the others at home, will she bring them in with her?

Or if she has to bring them, will she leave them in the car? 99% of people would say "oh I'm sre she won't mind" and bring them in when in fact 3 people turning up and not just one, with one of them a 3 year old as well might be the exact reason the dd has said no?

Would you be impressed if that happened?

ChunkyPickle · 30/07/2010 20:45

There are clearly two completely separate trains of thought on this subject, neither of whom understand the other

To me, it is interrupting. The idea that the daughter - who's just given birth - a fairly big event in her life - should ignore her feelings and do what her mum wants is a poor way to start a relationship with the new family in my opinion.