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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset my dd1 dont want me visiting her in hospital after her birth

244 replies

notfeelinggreat · 30/07/2010 18:06

she now 41 weeks and she just told me she don't want me going to see her or new baby in hospital and i have to wait while she comes home after being in over night or more .

i understand if that's what she wishers but it as hurt me lots in fact am crying over this, i don't interfere usually but i have told her i am very hurt over this and asked why she don't want me visiting , she didnt really have an answer, but i think it may be her boyfriend or is she ashamed of me? i know they need time when then the baby comes as a family but i would live a little visit to see it, i know she worked up at this moment in time as she just wants her baby out.

am i being unreasonable to think i should be able to go and see my grandchild in hospital after its born? as anyone else had this and still been able to go and see when they come?

she wants me to have the baby when she goes back to work but yet she closing me out so ealy on.

OP posts:

autodidact · 30/07/2010 19:35

I think it is mean, mean, mean to exclude grandparents from seeing their newborn grandchildren, unless they are malicious abusive monster types (the grandparents not the newborns). We have a very individualist society though and people can be self-absorbed and find it really hard to understand other people's perspectives. Really hope she will change her mind, notfeelinggreat. Being overdue can be stressful as others have said and perhaps she is feeling ornery and peeved and taking it out on her mum because she knows you will love her no matter what?

whatnolooroll · 30/07/2010 19:35

I can see why you're upset but I think doing whatever your daughter asks and letting her wishes come first is the way to keep everyone happiest in the end.

I thought I wouldn't want visitors after being awake over 36 hours and giving birth but in fact, when DP had to go home and get some sleep, I was still way too full of adrenaline to consider sleeping so called the grandparents and asked them to come.

If you don't push things your DD may change her mind but if you argue and don't respect that this is going to be a difficult time for her it is likely to cause problems later.

Kathyjelly · 30/07/2010 19:35

I was the same. I had the chance for one precious night, just me, dp and new ds. None of his family, or mine. It'll never happen again, and it was brilliant.

Don't be hurt, just accept that those rare moments sometimes aren't for sharing.

DuelingFanjo · 30/07/2010 19:37

when does a baby stop being a newborn?

DawnAS · 30/07/2010 19:39

As difficult as it was, I also told family that I didn't want any visitors.

I will give you my reasoning and obviously hers could be different, but it might help.

It was my first baby and I had had a difficult PG, was being induced due to Gestational Diabetes and really had no idea how I would feel afterwards.

Having had no experience as DD was my first, I wasn't sure whether I would bond or what I would feel like. So I told my DParents and my ILs that I didn't want any visitors and would let people know when I would be ready. Luckily, they were all very understanding (well, said they were anyway )...

As it turns out, I was in labour for 3 days, followed by ventouse delivery and episiotomy but within a couple of hours after DD was born, I phoned my Mum and asked her to come in .

So I guess what I'm saying, is that maybe she is giving herself the opportunity to see how she feels after the birth first and she may well change her mind. This is not a reflection on the way she feels about you, but I really thought that the whole thing was going to be a lot more overwhelming than it was. In reality, even though it was an awful labour, I wanted to show her to the world when I finally got there!

HTH

DuelingFanjo · 30/07/2010 19:41

I am due in Dec and started out saying no hospital visitors but now I m hoping I do get to stay in a bit so that people can come to see me there and be restricted by the visiting hours. Then I want a few days alone. It's each to their own isn't it really?

pollyblue · 30/07/2010 19:42

arses makes a good point, maybe she would feel obliged to invite MIL to visit in hospital too, if she invited you? So perhaps she feels a blanket "no visitors" is best - and with a bit of luck she'll be out of hospital before you know it.

Another poster suggested, maybe she would be happy for you to be there with a cup of tea and the biccies ready when they come home? Perhaps you could sugest that?

thisisyesterday · 30/07/2010 19:44

zondra, i don't think you're in a minority.

I wanted my parents there asap when all 3 of mine were born. they met each of them within a couple of hours of their birth and i loved sharing my newborns with them

however, i can still see why some women don't want this.
it isn't about excluding anyone, it isn't about banning grandparents from seeing a newborn, it's simply asking for a day to get used to it all. why is that so wrong?

they'll see her the next day once she is at home and all settled in. the baby will still be a newborn, the OP will still be a beloved grandparent.... does it really matter whether it's in the hospital or not~????

DuelingFanjo · 30/07/2010 19:45

god! that would be my WORST nightmare... to get home and find someone in my house waiting for me to get home

MrsC2010 · 30/07/2010 19:45

I'm not planning on having family (or anyone bar the husband obviously) to visit in hospital unless I end up staying a while to be honest.

bruffin · 30/07/2010 19:49

YANBU I hate this trend that mumsnet encourages, your the babies grandmother. I hope my dd never treats me like youyr daughter is treating you

autodidact · 30/07/2010 19:50

Well, yes, it is the mother's decision, df. But imagine that your baby is having a baby. Your grandchild. A beloved special wonderful new person who is the child of someone you love so very dearly, someone you yourself gave birth to. Wouldn't you want to check that your beloved baby having a baby was ok? Wouldn't you want to see the new tiny gorgeous fab baby as soon as possible after it was born? All my children's grandparents have wanted that. I think it would have been verging on cruel to deny it. I know I will want it, if I'm lucky enough to have grandchildren.

FakePlasticTrees · 30/07/2010 19:52

Pollyblue's suggestion assumes you're not like my mother, who I'm reluctant to leave alone in my house, since she was left alone in my DB's house and decided to rearrange his whole kitchen as it didn't make logical sense to her.

Keep away until you're invited and then don't stay more than 1 hour.

DuelingFanjo · 30/07/2010 19:53

Of course I would want to know they were ok and I would hope my childs DP would call me to let me know but I would let my child decide what they wanted when it came to visiting.

thisisyesterday · 30/07/2010 19:54

of course you would autodidact

but it isn't about YOU is it? it's about the person giving birth. and if they say that they want to spend a few hours getting to know their baby, just the 2 of them.... then why would you not respect that?

the baby will still be there the next day!

undercovamutha · 30/07/2010 19:55

YABU to take this so personally. Get over it - its not all about you, its about your DD, her partner and their new addition.

Can't believe the number of people who think OP's DD is being selfish! Unbelievable.

It is likely that she will only be in hospital overnight. I'm sure you can wait less than TWENTY-FOUR HOURS, for the sake of respecting your dd's wishes.

If your wishes can't be met and you can't be indulged a bit when you have just given birth, then when should they?

I love my mum to bits and we are very close, but after having DD all I wanted was DH and my little baby. 12 hours of just the three of us was perfect for us.

sheeplikessleep · 30/07/2010 19:57

I feel for you OP, I personally think this is a bit mean.
Even if someone doesn't want visitors after childbirth, surely letting the grandparents in, even if for just 10 minutes to meet their new grandchild, isn't too much to ask is it?
It's not like being in hospital is the most pleasant or personal experience anyway.
I hope your daughter changes her mind.

faddle · 30/07/2010 20:00

tough one really. I would be really really hurt, I'm incredibly close to my mum, so cant imagine ever shutting her out like that. But then again, she was there at the birth of both of my DC, and MIL was in the labour ward waiting room and saw her new GCs before they were 5 minutes old.
Not much you can do really, except hope that she relents and allows you a quick peek. She may be so elated after the birth that she cant wait to show off her new arrival.

LadyBiscuit · 30/07/2010 20:04

OK I ran away and came back again. My family are probably a bit odd. None of us have had big weddings and I didn't go to either of my sisters' weddings. BUT we were all there at the birth of each others' children. Pacing up and down in the hospital. So not only my mum but my dad and my sisters. I wouldn't have it any other way. And I'm sorry but PMSL at getting to know a newborn. What's there to know?

thesecondcoming · 30/07/2010 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DuelingFanjo · 30/07/2010 20:09

jesus thesecondcoming, some of us wouldn't want to impose ourselves on our children fter a birth.

It's not denying access, it's asking for time alone to start with. Very different.

RobynLou · 30/07/2010 20:11

it's not really denying access though is it? it's just saying to wait a few hours.
I didn't think to limit visits from the granparents, but I can sympathise with someone wanting to, it's just one of the many things which as a parent you just have to accept whether you like it or not imo...

I don't think being allowed to see a baby in the first 24hrs should have any bearing on babysitting months down the line when the situation should be water way under the bridge.

Original poster

notfeelinggreat · 30/07/2010 20:13

i am not being selfish as I WILL DO AS SHE ASKS!!!!!! as i have said i respect her decision!!! i live in hope she changes her mind .

tbh i would love to see your faces when your dd or ds does the same in so many years time because as you get older you views change.

OP posts:

autodidact · 30/07/2010 20:13

So agree, tsc. God forbid anyone should interupt the parental-newborn bonding idyll for an hour or so in the first few weeks. Do y'all ban your older children for the first few months too?

Morloth · 30/07/2010 20:14

I am very close to my Mum and love her very much, but I only wanted to DH for the births of my babies and only DH at the hospital for DS1 and then DH and DS1 for when I had DS2.

Mum went to my house and fixed it all up nice for me and cooked and stuff. It was amazing.

It sounds like she just wants to be in the baby bubble for a bit. Don't be hurt she should ask for exactly what she wants at this time.

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