to find it completely amazing that some people never shout at their kids?

[undercovamutha]

Seriously I am at the fact that so many people on MN never raise their voice to their kids.

I hold my hands up as a culprit of excessive ranting at DCs. Don't know if its just me, or whether (as I suspect) my DD is particularly infuriating (although very lovely!).

How do you zen-like people manage it? Are some kind of drugs involved? 24/7 telly watching? Wine? What is the answer? (and don't even get me started on 'How to talk...').

I'm sure their children's future therapists will uncover other ways in which they have messed their offspring up

I know this is meant to be a light hearted thread but over on relationships, when men shout at their kids it's often labelled as abusive.

I was shouted at as a kid and have no obvious scars, but I don't know why mothers are 'only human' when they lose the rag, and fathers are being harmful and abusive.

Both Dh and I shout at our children, neither of us are harmful and abusive. It happens. They are perfectly happy and know they are loved. I don't care what anyone else thinks of us shouting.

Good point Morris. My mum used to lose her rag with us a lot, and we became immune to it, but if my Dad ever lost his temper (which was very rarely) it was a whole different ball game.

There's a big difference between shouting because you get frustrated with bad behaviour and the sort of shouting that signals abuse. You can see it in their eyes. I had a parent who shouted abusively, it is terrifying. I had another who shouted out of frustration, and it was completely different. But there isn't a gender divide.

ALERT - scratching head!

YANBU... people who claim never to shout at their children are the same kind that claim 'we never argue'. I worry about such people that they're either a)lying, b) on tranx or c) bottling so much up that they're at risk of running amok with a meat cleaver in due course....

yes, but do they REALLY never shout at their kids, really not raise their voice or anything???? in my view.

I don't yell and scream at my kids as a rule however I regularly raise my voice for sure - frustration yes, danger absolutely, simply to be heard (!) definitely. That said, when I found my DD painting parts of her bedroom a couple of weeks ago, I suspect that yelling is how my neighbour would have described it.

Claiming never to have raised your voice at all is a bit cloud cuckoo land in my opinion..

I would say that DP and I argue occasionally, but in a considerate manner, he would say we never argue, but we do disagree, sometimes passionately.

It's a matter of perspective really.

I think "shouting at" means different things to different people.

I am very loud and regularly bellow at DS1. However I am generally saying quite innocuous(?) things; "Stop licking that!" "Put that down" "How the hell did you paint the bath?!?" and I am generally grinning when I do it, as it is that helpless humour you get when you are just completely losing the plot! And then there is screaming in your child's face, shouting abuse, getting angry in a way that is frightening to a child.I heard my neighbour scream at her 3 year old "I can't fucking take anymore" in a real stress, and I think that is the sort of shouting that I wouldn't be comfortable with...but then it is partly what you are saying, as well as how.

Normal morning in UCM household:

-come on DD lets get to school
-DD we need to go now
-DD stop playing with your dolls and come on
-I said come on
-DD, shoes on and lets go
-DD now please
-DD your shoes are on the wrong way
-don't start taking your socks off....
-RIGHT THAT'S IT! COME ON NOW !

I challenge anyone not to raise their voice! Its a mystery how some obviously don't IMO.

I am not referring to swearing at your DCs or being really abusive, which I obviously think is totally unacceptable. I am talking about the normal (IMO) 'get back in your bed now', 'do not hit your brother', 'i told you not to do xyz' kind of shouting.

But perhaps the people who say they don't shout, are referring to 'abusive-type' shouting?

I saw a pregnant woman smoking a fag and shouting at her friends that 'this fucking foetus better fucking move round or I will fucking move it' - now there's a kid who doesn't stand a chance no matter how quiet the voice is.

im completely understanding when a parent is at the end of their said tether, etc, but its horrible to watch/hear, i was in a coffee cafe the other day, and a woman with a boy around 4 were infront of me, she kept dragging him around by his hood shouting " your making me so Fing angry, get out of the shop, Fing choose something, NOW! "

UGH it was horrid, simply because he wasn't actually doing anything wrong, he was trying to choose, but she kept yelling at him( nastily aswell), i don't think he could concentrate long enough to pick something!

Yet when he finally said, i want such and such, she got louder and more like growled then shouted, " you never eat them, you won't eat it, F**K this get out NOW" and she just left, pushing him out of the shop and the little boy crying.

OK - well, I would say I don't shout at the children - but I am not 'zen like'!! I should 'to' them, to come downstairs now but once they are there I don't shout. I tell off, I growl between clenched teeth, I send them to their rooms, I take toys off them - there is nothing zen like about me when I am angry .... but I don't shout, not because I think it's terrible, I don't, it's just not me... shrug... I am sure I am more scary when I am angry than lots of Mums that do shout!

I also agree that there is shouting and there is shouting, it's not a gender divide, but an 'agression' level - or as others have put it frustration/ranting shouting and abusive shouting.

A parent can be shouty but nice (like SalFresco sound as if she is) or a parent can never raise their voice but be nasty (as heard at the shops the other day, all said in a non shouty voice 'shut up you little fucker or I'll belt ya one'.

undercovamuth - no one ever died of excessive ranting

I think most of the above posts are right..... if they are dithering about, bouncing on the bed, running up and down the garden, when you are trying to egt them to eat, get dressed, use the loo, brush their teeth etc etc etc then I think its totally normal to say loudly (aka shout), stop doing that, come here now pelase etc.... I dont think anyone always manages to do a supernanny and go down to their level and maintain eye contact whilst explaing calmly!!!!! But what OTTMumma is explaing is totally different and abusive ... poor little boy in that story... but no I agree with you undercovamutha anyone who says they dont are lying, or weirdly repressed!

Some children ar every biddable as well. I rarely, rarely shout (ie raise my voice) at my 5 year old because there is rarely ever any need. She just does not press those buttons in me (and I'm a more mature parent now) My teen, however, is a totally different matter. Highly strung and flies off the handle. But learnt from me, I'm sure.

I DONT SHOUT!!!
i dont!
hahahahahha
i am obviously a superior mum
no one shouts ehre.

I dont really shout. Its not to say I dont get annoyed, I do, but I think I'm just good at getting the annoyance and the "you better do it now or else" message into my communication without the actual decibel level. The level of annoyance, the words used, and my general irritation at the situation is probably the same as if I'd just yelled it. But I just dont generally get above a certain level. Its just sort of ingrained into my personality, I was born that way, its not something I conciously do as a parenting philisophy or anything like that.

CarlaBruni - totally agree. DS is only 16mo but I can just tell that he is a less exasperating different personality to DD. Not that I would swap DD for the world - she is very lovely and incredibly entertaining - but what a Diva!

For those that don't shout, what would you do if one of your siblings hit the other one, or ran out into the road when you had to told them to hold your hand? Surely some situations warrant a raised voice?

i think some kids don't need to be shouted at.
my mum and dad never shouted at my sister and I because i think we were really good.
but they were also very laidback and patient and tolerant.
and then came my brother and my mother's menopause, and there was plenty of shouting!!
just the luck of the draw sometimes maybe??

I shout. I yell. But only when previous noise levels have been exhausted and DS is immovable. I have a special "really fucking angry" yell that only comes out on occasions e.g. when DS is about to kill himself by running into a carpark because some fuckwit has left the door to the play group hall open - it usually stops him in his tracks (and almost everyone else around too )

I don't use shouting unless provoked though. But I probably shout most days. Oh dear, poor boy.

DH does play-shouting. That annoys me - I have told him not to, save it for when you actually mean it and it matters - consequently DS ignores DH, whatever level he shouts at.

We don't swear at him though.

I wish I didn't shout as much as I do - it depends on how frazzled I am and that's a bit unfair on DS.