to find it completely amazing that some people never shout at their kids?

[undercovamutha]

Seriously I am at the fact that so many people on MN never raise their voice to their kids.

I hold my hands up as a culprit of excessive ranting at DCs. Don't know if its just me, or whether (as I suspect) my DD is particularly infuriating (although very lovely!).

How do you zen-like people manage it? Are some kind of drugs involved? 24/7 telly watching? Wine? What is the answer? (and don't even get me started on 'How to talk...').

I don't shout at the kids ever, and I have only had about two arguments with DP ever, when pissed, about who loved the other one more (puke now, s'true). I can assure you that I am not a repressed psychopath, nor do I have staff.

Actually I did have a shout at my brother the other week- well, I told him to go and fuck himself, but it upset me for hours. I just do not like to lose my temper with people- it feels horrible.

I shout when something dangerous is about to happen/is happening. Otherwise, I know I am far more scary by lowering the tone of my voice and keeping eye contact. It shows the kids that I am in control of myself, and that therefore I am not going crazy over something that doesn't matter.

My mom is a shouter, and I [still] just tune her out. My dad only shouts when he gets really frustrated and that's when I really do take notice, because I know it's important then. If it doesn't matter, he doesn't bother shouting.

Shrugs If people want to shout that's up to them [as long as it's not actually the abusive kind] but for me, lowering the tone works better. I don't actually like shouting, anyway.

And especially in an argument or debate [as opposed to an instruction like, "Put your shoes on now,"] I always think if anyone gets to shouting or name calling, then it's never going to get any further, because the person who's doing the shouting or name calling is too focussed on getting their point across to listen to the other person, so can't ever admit that they might be wrong, and the person who's being shouted or name called at is automatically going to get defensive and won't be concentrating on the other person's point anyway, so no way for them to consider it rationally.

Oh, that's interesting Alaska, I just remembered it as a comment on here.

MaamRuby, love that comment about bottoms, knickers, every day. I do wonder why every single day ds has to be told to do the same things when he knows full well he is going to school and he needs to have clothes and shoes on... does he think one day I'll just go, hey, ds, shall we walk to school in the nude?

Oh I know this is a light hearted thread but some ofthe stuff on here is a bit annoying.

I don't shout at my children. I just don't. Not really sure why except that I think I just stopped doing it because it didn't really work and I felt all kind of out of control and stressed when I shouted.
I never took some kind of zen like moral decision not to shout, I just sort of stopped doing it.

I don't think it is better parenting, I know loads of brillinat parents who shout but I just don't.

But accusing people who don't shout of being liars, or drugged up or pampered or disengaged is all a bit sneery and nasty. And I promise you we don't have easy children.

Not shouting doesn't make you the kind of parents who endlessly murmurs 'darling try not to put the cat in the mangle, it flusters her so'. I am really strict with my DCs. I just say 'stop that this second or you will deeply regret it' in a lowish volume.

My neighbour was a fantastic mother who shouted at her three boys from morning til night and they treated it all like a barking puppy. She was definately a softer touch than me

Shouty is not mean or abusive. But non shouty isn't valium induced ponciness either

Ds and I have been arguing for TWO SOLID days about what one of the carriages on his model railway is called. He has gone on and on and on about it until I have come very close to yelling as he just wouldn't let it go, however much I said 'wait until you find the carriage and then we can check what it says on the side'.

Today, he sidled up to me and said in a very wheedling tone of voice: 'Mummy, let's do a swap, I think it's called Octavia, you think it's called Octivia.' (Think he got confused with yoghurt.) Upon enquiry yes, he had found the carriage and read the name.

edam - bloody hell. After the first 10 minutes I would just say... 'Actually DS, I don't really care what it's called. I think it's called x, you call it whatever you want to' then refuse to discuss it further. I find the 'I don't care' diffuses their need to be right (and mine!! ).

I'm a bit confused about the train outcome - but I assume you were right

I shout at ds but its not a parenting decision its when Im at my most stressed / worried etc and its not something I do often or am proud of.

I dont think I should ever shout though. I dont think anything warrants it other than extreme and immediate danger.

Edam you argued for 2 days? I would just say 'ok' and let him believe what he wanted until he found it, I could not be arsed to argue :D I admire your stubborness determination.

Whoever said about pointless questions - ds (3) so does this. Today I said is the cat downstairs ds? Him: which cat?. I mean, which bloody cat?? Oh you know any old random cat, not the only cat we have of course, oh no.

If I did not shout at my kids at least once a day they would think I had died!

MaamRuby - yep, been there done that, to wails of 'I can't go to school with no clothes on!!!' I just said, yes you can, I am fed up of telling you to hurry up every morning. She was very quick to get dressed when I said I would give her one last chance and I'd see if there were any clothes in the back of the car (there always are as we are always out & about and having spare clothes is essential!) and 'found' a uniform there (weirdly she didn't question this, just got dressed sharpish)... she now gets dressed quickly but you've still got the breakfast, shoes, tooth brushing, hair brushing....to do it all in her time without me hurrying her up we'd have to not go to bed!!!

i dont get this late for school thing
dont let them have breakfast till they are dressed.
then say " go upstairs and tidy your room"
then say brush your teeth.
stand there and watch them
then go away

the other day i heard my 11 yeard old abotu to go to get his bus - had showered, breakfastted and he was off

I was just waking up.
the other two could EASILY do same

my 8 month old ds wakes at 6.30am. his sister is 4. she hears him babbling, gets up, gets dressed, then goes into his room, opens his blinds, undoes his sleeping bag, gives him a toy, then goes to the bathroom to wash her face and do her teeth. then she comes up to get me and tells me they're both up!

(i of course wake at 6.30 to listen into all this)

then i go and get ds and get us both ready. meanwhile, dd is downstairs getting herself a cup of milk and some cereal.

my next step is getting her able to pack her own lunchbag for holiday club, which she probably could do now actually except most stuff is out of reach.

AN - gee what a good idea, so much better than just lying around in bed till it's time to go and expecting them to be ready . Why do you think I am fed up of saying Hurry UP!

Unless you have a 'Fairy Faffer' you have no idea what it's like. As MaamRuby says, they can stand with one leg in their knickers gazing out of the window for 10 mins! It can take near on the lifespan of a moth to put toothpaste on the toothbrush....

There's no 'letting' them have breakfast, it's trying to get something into them before they good to school - they would happily rather not bother.

Ruddynorah - trust me, it's just the luck of the draw. Your DD is like me as a child

Anyway, I am not going to get wound up by this....it's the HOLIDAYS

I empathise 100% with the pain of getting kids ready for school and the amount of patience needed.

I find I go in phases. I go through months where I seem to have cracked things and I seem to be calm and organised and kids quite co-operative and I never ever shout.

Then something happens, either someone is ill and I start not sleeping and then patience gets thin on the ground and then I do shout because i feel I am at the end of my tether.

Nobody is perfect.

oh gosh i'm very sure it is chipping! i've done nothing, as far as i know, to make her like this. and i've a feeling it will all stop when she hits her teens, or is it tweens now they say? making the most of it just now anyway

i never shout btw. i just have a 'look'

Strikes me that this is one of those threads where lots of people are going to get their feelings hurt.

Some, like Pagwatch, are offended by aspersions cast at those who don't shout.

Others are competing to show how annoying their children are and why they drive them to shouting.

For myself I can't help but feel that the no-shouting brigade are just a teensy-weensy bit smug, and happy to be a bit superior to the other lot.

Coming at the end of a day in which I lost my temper and shouted really nastily at one of my children, my spirits are sinking through the soles of my boots. But, you know, you'd have to walk a mile in them before you could really judge me for doing it.

chipping/waiting - I didn't argue for two days, ds did! He kept nagging and I either ignored him or said 'we'll see when you find it'. Wasn't going to give in as we had a 50p bet riding on it - his idea. Once he'd conceded, I waived my winnings, I'm not really horrible. Just have had enough of ds thinking he knows best all the time.

ruddynorah s'okay then, so long as you're appreciating it and not about to tell the rest of us that it's because you did baby yoga with her, then that's OK

Oh me too - tone and eybrow combo!!