to find it completely amazing that some people never shout at their kids?

[undercovamutha]

Seriously I am at the fact that so many people on MN never raise their voice to their kids.

I hold my hands up as a culprit of excessive ranting at DCs. Don't know if its just me, or whether (as I suspect) my DD is particularly infuriating (although very lovely!).

How do you zen-like people manage it? Are some kind of drugs involved? 24/7 telly watching? Wine? What is the answer? (and don't even get me started on 'How to talk...').

niminypiminy Have a glass of wine/chocolate/cup of tea and relax. We all have shit days from time to time... a bit of shouting never killed anyone!

I think I've been trying to be quite balanced - I don't shout, but I do scowl, raise eyebrows, use a tone and threaten to eat them alive - I don't think it makes me better or worse than a loud/shouty parent

Might be better to hide the thread if it's getting to you though - sometimes it's just not worth the aggrivation!

I don't really think you're smug, Riven. But if you're doing something you know yourself it would be better that you didn't do, and you just feel driven to it, and then someone else comes along and says, well I just never do that and I don't find it hard at all -- well, what's the other person going to think?

But I know you have lots to endure in your life. I really don't think you're smug. I just feel at the end of my tether today, and so I did a bad shout.

The thing is..

"Please put your shoes on so we can go" = nothing.

"Children? Shoes please" = nothing

"Your shoes are here, come and put them on now please" = nothing

"Kids? Shoes on NOW or we are not going" = vague movelemt towards shoes.

"RIGHT! THAT'S IT! PUT YOUR SHOES ON THIS MINUTE OR I SHALL THROW EVERY PAIR YOU OWN IN THE DUSTBIN AND DECAPITATE YOUR FAVOURITE DOLL AND SELL YOU ON EBAY TO PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOU EAT SPINACH FOR EVERY MEAL FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE" = cheerful children putting on shoes and bumbling good naturedly towards the car.

Yuno

Yep - sounds familiar Just not loudly (in fact probably quieter than my normal voice) - so is it shouting or isn't it???

Can't believe no-one on this thread has yet said the immortal "UCM is that you?"

I shout. I never used to. or if i did it was rare. but since aged 4 I find ds1 unmanageable.
And yes I have shouted something like :" I have fucking had enough. there is only so much i can cope with. i am only human".
I do beleive plenty of people don't shout. no valium required not to do it. the are not hippy's.
I am in awe. one of the mums at school doesn't. she told me she didn't think it was good parenting. and that hit home with me, because i agree.

i don't want to be shouted at. i don't know why i do it as ds1 and ds2 really. its not nice is it.

imagine if someone did it to you at work.

i have and will continue to work at it.

I like your style, Yuno. If I have the patience, I like doling out ridiculous threats - it gets ds's attention and cheers us all up.

Made a huge error once though, when he was a lot smaller. Jokingly said I'd knock his block off if he didn't do whatever it was I'd told him to do umpteen times. Poor old ds burst into tears because he really thought I was going to cut his head off!

niminy

I have had many days where I get really down about how I have parented that day so I hope I am not going to add to any sinking spirits.
Sadly not shouting does not make you a great parent or absolve you from other various parenting fuck ups

I am not sure though that I can agree about the suggestions about non shouters being smug. I think you would like them to be smug and superior in that way that I hope people with really clean houses are secretly OCD or looking down on my scruffy house - then I can be mean about them and feel better.
Actually all I should do is recall that a tidy house is no more virtuous than a messy one and the people inside are not made more or less happy by their surroundings.
I am not smug about not shouting because I don't see it as superior, just different.

Interestingly many many of the non-shouters have children with SN. Like I do. I think having children with SN in the house makes you value and appreciate the benefits for all involved of a calm and low key enviroment.

So no. Really really not smug. But again, to quote you, perhaps you would have to walk a mile to know that.

edam - we always used to get told that as kids, we never gave it a moments though as to what it actually meant - it was just a way of saying 'I'm cross with you' iykwim. Sorry your wee boy took it to heart - clearly you didn't start saying it early enough or often enough!

yuno
when you say " shoes please" are they just standing there GAWPING at you not understanding or what
if i say " shoes please" they do it. ( well at least the second time)
or i bung a gag in. that makes them die laugh so hilariously that they comply

I very rarely shout. And if i do it is in response to one of the Dc's shouting at me, in an effort to show them how ridiculous they sound.

I just don't have the energy to argue and fight with them. They get told. then warned of whatever the consequence will be, and then i act upon the warning. any argument after that just gets ignored.

I shout a lot - I am a shouty person - better out than in. 'Tis far worse in my opinion to teach your children to hold it in. My DH is not shouty - he dislikes my shouting immensely - tough I say - 'tis how I am.

However, I am at home with the DCs 24/7. If he is home for a couple of days - he shouts at the DCs LOL.

Generalising - if you are at home with kids more - you tend to shout (well I do)as they try your patience (I have none in the first place). If your partner is out at work more than you, they are not there to shout, thus when they do it is taken more seriously by the kids as it doesn't happen so often.

When my Dh gets home it is ' Daddy, Daddy oh wonderful Daddy etc etc'. Pisses me off somewhat but hey ho - they see him less so he is novel.

thing is Pagwatch, I do have a child with SN. Makes me really crap, no?

actually Gigantaur I know what you mean about the refusing to engage in arguing or shouting. Perhaps I am just too idle.

Sometimes when the Dcs have had friends over I have said something like 'I have told you not to do that and if you do it again I will call little PlayMates mother to come and get her/him'.
It is astonishing how often I have then heard DC have to do urgent whispered " Noooo don't - she means it. She really will!"
Not shouting doesn't mean you are nice

niminy

no. it really really really doesn't.

We just all do this stuff differently.
I often go to bed feeling really bad about how I handled x or y.Mostly I just feel bad that I didn't do enough.

Just because it is not shouting doesn't mean I don't have really really crap days.

Please don't take it that way. That is not what I am saying.
We just each have different styles.

NP no, it does not make you crap it makes you human x

Honestly, this isn't doing you any good tonight, have a nice drink (wine, juice, tea) and a bath or something else relaxing!

Or find a thread to have a good arguement on - but don't hang around on this one getting upset with yourself it's not worth it!!

I threaten. when pushed. and then i do it. nintendo ds taken away. no tv tomorrow. that is exactly what happens. and i action it.
nothing nampby pamby about me.
one would hope thta this was enough to mean i wouldn't have to shout.
but no. i still do.
i am getting it all wrong, i tell you.
none of us should need to shout.

I never shout and have never shouted. Because my DCs have never given me reason and I am just not wired that way.

In my whole life I have never shouted at anyone. If I have an argument with DH it drives him mad that I remain completely calm.
I just get more sarcastic.

I do think it is just the way you are made, and normal shouting is unlikely to harm a child. In some ways I feel it would be better if I had shouted sometimes, as when DS goes to school if a teacher shouts at anyone he is really upset by it, he doesn't see it as being normal.

i'm off too. this isn't helping.

OMG I am a terrible mother, I have shouted very loudly like a crazy woman at dd 3.4 after the 10th tantrum, no exaggeration here at all. After trying to reason and ignore her, I had to do it, afterwards calm well behaved child. I said things like 'we dont tolerate this behaviour here', 'big girls don't cry, it makes mummy and daddy very annoyed and sad' etc. We are only human after all! Kids bring out the best and worse in us all, I am not saying that abuse should be tolerated, but as another poster said there is a difference between shouting because you have lost your rag, and abusive shouting.

I have shouted at my children.
I have shouted at my staff
I have even shouted at the cat.

And frankly they all deserved it.

I know it's not clever, but ye gods it's either that or consign myself to the loony bin because they are all so exasperating sometimes.

ChippingIn "What, this coat?" I spat my tea and biscuit all over the screen!

Yuno Nearly choked and inhaled half another biscuit up my nose!!! Were you listening to me this morning!!

Sometimes I am just pushed over the edge