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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find it completely amazing that some people never shout at their kids?

191 replies

undercovamutha · 28/07/2010 15:04

Seriously I am at the fact that so many people on MN never raise their voice to their kids.

I hold my hands up as a culprit of excessive ranting at DCs. Don't know if its just me, or whether (as I suspect) my DD is particularly infuriating (although very lovely!).

How do you zen-like people manage it? Are some kind of drugs involved? 24/7 telly watching? Wine? What is the answer? (and don't even get me started on 'How to talk...').

OP posts:
MrsMelvinEugeuePunymeyer · 28/07/2010 21:23

I shout. But I'm a shouty person in general. My whole family were quite shouty growing up and there were loads of us, so you had to shout even louder to be heard above everyone else.

My DH NEVER shouts. Ever. I honestly don't think he can. Once I accused him of shouting at me in a quiet voice

Unfortunately DD takes after me.

SloanyPony · 28/07/2010 21:31

"Sorry but personally i find any parent who claims they do not shout at their kids are either liars or crap parents"

That's just silly.

Its like saying parents who say they have never smacked their children are liars or crap.

Its possible to parent well without being loud. Some people just aren't very shouty. Some people are. Both is okay.

You sound very insecure.

pagwatch · 28/07/2010 21:31

Am I missing something?
Why do people keep saying really deeply stupid stuff about how if you don't shout then you let them get away with stuff, are a crap parent, don't punish them etc etc.

Arethere people out there incapeable of realising that it is possible to punish/discipline/tell off etc etc just without shouting.

Is it perhaps that all the shouting makes it impossible for them to hear what anyone else says?

RiverOfSleep · 28/07/2010 21:35

I don't think non shouters are smug
or wrong. I do shout myself though. I tried not to and tried other approaches but felt like I was being fake, and I don't think it does the dc any harm occasionally.

I think it's fine for teachers to shout if needs be.

SloanyPony · 28/07/2010 21:38

I honestly think my son is more scared when he is told off by me than when he is told off by DH, who shouts.

Nomorerain · 28/07/2010 21:43

I can't bear shouting. I think when you get to that point you've lost the plot.

clouddragon · 28/07/2010 21:48

pag - you are right, shouting is pretty ineffective as a form of discipline, though I am a shouter.

They effeventually just ignore you. My DCs now shout back at me, which is my fault entirely.

thecaptaincrocfamily · 28/07/2010 21:52

I don't regularly shout at the dds, I don't need to usually because the counting to 5 and threat of time out at 5 normally stops the behaviour getting out of hand Perhaps I am just blessed with angelic kids lol. When I do shout its because I know it will have an effect and they will stop tantruming , especially dd1 who is a complete drama queen and winds herself up really well.

pagwatch · 28/07/2010 21:53

I used to be a shouter actually. I stopped. I think I must have just had some kind of 'oh fucking Nora this is dull' type evoloution. Or perhaps I just bored myself.

I was tryingto think when I do shout and it seems to be mostly at the phone. I am always in the basement when it rings and usually shout ' oh will you fuck off!'
I am not sure what I think this achieves.
Perhaps this is my shouty fix. And rugby.

Jemz · 28/07/2010 21:58

has any1 tried that naughty step mat thing that was on some nanny programme a couple of years back, does it work?

thecaptaincrocfamily · 28/07/2010 22:02

Jemz ime it definately does work. As I said I used it as punishment if they don't stop misbehaving after the count of 5 and my dd1 4.6 and dd2 2.3 are generally well behaved with the exception of normal sibling rivalry

I can take them anywhere and never consider they might be naughty.

Booboobedoo · 28/07/2010 22:03

I'm another ex-shouter - although my Road To Damascus was in the classroom, pre-kids.

I found it so much easier to instil discipline in a class once I stopped, and I now apply that to my parenting.

The key for me was not taking kids' behaviour personally. They are behaving as they are for their own reasons - it's nothing to do with you most of the time.

That stops me getting wound up, and I stay in control.

On the odd occasion I have shouted, I've apologised afterwards. It's something my parents never did (admitted they were in the wrong), and it's important to me.

Not saying that everyone who shouts is automatically in the wrong, but when I've done it it's just because I've lost my rag, and it hasn't been warranted by the behaviour iyswim.

thecaptaincrocfamily · 28/07/2010 22:05

our downstairs hallway is the naughty step (time out) and the conversation tends to go

I will count to five and if this doesn't stop you go in the hallway.......
continue squabbling.....
1....2....3 either it stops or
4....5.......
Right you are going in the hallway and remove. Always consistent so always consequences.

FairyMum · 28/07/2010 22:14

I don't understand why you find it so amazing. I never ever shout at my children. I used to live next door to people who shouted a lot at their children and to be honest I think they sounded like complete idiots. I certainly don't want to sound like I am in an episode of Eastenders.

ItsGraceActually · 28/07/2010 22:17

You're going to flame me because I haven't got kids (but that's waht AIBU's for, right?!) I would always have said shouting is a normal part of normal family life ... but, now I'm out of those abusive relationships, I NEVER shout except in emergencies and to be heard from a long distance.

I've only just realised that. Thinking about it further, hardly any of my teachers shouted when I was at school. The few who did were the bullies. Also - in four years of nannying "problem" children, the only ones I shouted at belonged to high-stress parents, who instructed me to shout at the kids (I left that job, it was upsetting.)

Don't get me wrong: I can be snappy, grumpy and various other unpleasant things. It's very possible to make anger & displeasure known without having to shout - more effective, actually. And with kids, there's often an impending emergency that requires shock tactics. Thing is ... if you're always shouting, how will the child know to jump when you've spotted a car coming?

adriennemole · 28/07/2010 22:20

I'm more of a ranter than a shouter (and usually in the mornings too) which doesn't work as the kids switch off to it.
Counting has definitely worked for us, the DC know what's going to happen and it gives me a chance to calm down.

There is a mum in our village who I and most of my friends were in awe of as she never shouted and always seemed calm and collected around her DC until one day she lost it and screamed like a banshee at them on the school playground before bursting in to tears

katiestar · 28/07/2010 22:22

Wonder what happens to kids when they get out into the real world, never having had anyone so much as raise their voice to them?

ItsGraceActually · 28/07/2010 22:26

Katiestar - They'll just see people who can't control their feelings for the plonkers they are.

SloanyPony · 28/07/2010 22:34

Well, if nothing terrible happens to a 3 year old who gets shouted at, nothing terrible is going to happen to a 19 year old who gets shouted at.

Shouting is either terrible or its not - you can't have it both ways.

If its no big deal at 3, its not going to bother them at 19. They will have come across it by then, will have witnessed it at friends houses, and just because one parent doesn't, doesn't mean the other wont. Or a grandparent.

MollieO · 28/07/2010 22:39

What is the difference between shouting and talking loudly? I talk loudly to ds on a daily basis. Usually after the 20th time of asking him to do something and it not seeming to register at all. I assume that parents who don't shout/talk loudly have dcs that pay attention sooner than ds.

Morning (abbreviated) eg:

Ds can you put your shoes on?
Ds can you get your shoes?
Ds have you got your shoes on?
Ds what are you doing?
Ds please put your shoes on now?
Ds what are you doing?
Ds we are going to be late, please put your shoes on.
Ds what have I asked you to do?
Ds I will tell you one more time and if you don't do what I've asked no [fill in blank] this evening.
Ds for the last time, you are making us late please put your shoes on.
Ds I won't tell you again.
Ds PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW!!!!

Now imagine that for everything else - eating breakfast, getting dressed, going to the toilet, brushing teeth. I defy even the most saintly parent not to shout/talk loudly at some point during those interactions.

Glitterandglue · 28/07/2010 23:06

MollieO, I would probably shout if I had bothered to say it that many times, but that's why I don't. I ask once, I ask twice, then it's, "If you don't have your shoes on by the time I get to three, -insert consequence-." Because I only ever bother to ask those few times, they listen much earlier on in the interactions [i.e. before I would get to shouting]. I use this currently with kids whose parents are hopeless, and are constantly shouting [without even getting results!] and the kids learnt within a couple of weeks that I meant what I said, every single time. Now instead of ignoring me for five minutes while they do their own thing, they put their shoes on when I ask. Or whatever other thing I'm asking, heh.

AlaskaNebraska · 28/07/2010 23:10

i also dont find i need to shout.
what are your kids DOING all the tiem?

MollieO · 28/07/2010 23:12

There are consequences that are enforced - he gets three chances and then there are consequences inserted with each request. No tv, no treat, no stickers, no weekend activity. You name it it is there and always always I ensure I follow through with whatever consequence I impose. There are times when ds is escorted to the car in his socks . He has not yet arrived at school in his pjs but I think that is only because a classmate did once and was summoned to see the head.

Ripeberry · 28/07/2010 23:13

I don't shout but yes I do bottle it up and my kids know when the 'volcano' is going to explode as I give them at least 3 warnings.

My trigger is usually when they don't listen for the third time and then I have a good shout at them or say their toys are going in the bin.

Because I'm a quiet person, when I shout they take notice as it's quite rare for me to do it.

katiestar · 28/07/2010 23:19

Pagwatch- been looking at your profile and your DC are a good bit older than many of the mum's DC on here and your house looks the size of a small mansion, so you are obviously not all on top of one another.Perhaps you don't have the same stressses on you as the rest of us?