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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find it completely amazing that some people never shout at their kids?

191 replies

undercovamutha · 28/07/2010 15:04

Seriously I am at the fact that so many people on MN never raise their voice to their kids.

I hold my hands up as a culprit of excessive ranting at DCs. Don't know if its just me, or whether (as I suspect) my DD is particularly infuriating (although very lovely!).

How do you zen-like people manage it? Are some kind of drugs involved? 24/7 telly watching? Wine? What is the answer? (and don't even get me started on 'How to talk...').

OP posts:
mumbar · 28/07/2010 19:51

chippin I hear you about the stupid questions just to talk and have pulled ds up on it many a time.

I have actually sat in the car with him for 15 minute journey once where he chatted away - occassionally I gave a polite um in response - once home he said to me mummy were you listening to me, to which I answered yes but I missed some points as I was concentrating on the road tell me again. He had no idea what he had said

I do shout at times admittedly when Im stressed and he won't let up but generally try not to raise my voice.

Love the idea of singing the task if talking doesn't help but I have been informed that boys do need you to physically touch there arm or something when you talk to them for it to register.

MaamRuby · 28/07/2010 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlaskaNebraska · 28/07/2010 19:57

i WONDER if you are more shouty if you have a long drive to school
mine just pootle out of the door when they are ready..

Adair · 28/07/2010 19:58

I have never shouted as a teacher. And a teacher of really challenging kids.

So I fully buy the 'you don't NEED to shout' argument. I do HTT most of the time and it works fabulously.

But sometimes I am tired and hungry, or fed up cos ds has smacked me in the face again, and I do shout.Because I am angry.

Am really v envious and also want to learn. What do you non-shouty types (of which I would have classed myself as one,before I had my kids ) do when you feel that blood-pressure rising? Do you manage to Stop and Look at the Bigger Picture (as they suggested on an Anger Management course I went on) or do you walk away successfully? Or do your kids not push your buttons in that way? (Am still doing lots of therapy to unravel a lot of complicated reasons why I get angry with the kids. And aim for not shouting.)

ChippingIn · 28/07/2010 19:59

Iwishiwasasleep pft - no, no need to spy on anyone else - have enough trouble here!!

It's a wonder so many of them make it to adulthood to be honest!!

I'll make you another cup and bring some fresh biscuits with me though

AlaskaNebraska · 28/07/2010 19:59

IM WITH ADAIR
i am also a non shouting teacher

YunoYurbubson · 28/07/2010 20:18

You lose all credibility if you shout as a teacher. I remember at school one poor teacher completely losing it and shouting shouting shouting at us and the entire class was helpless with laughter. Horrid really, but no, good teachers cannot shout.

AlaskaNebraska · 28/07/2010 20:18

yuno
i asked lower down abotu your kids
when youa re saying " shoes" what are htey doing? gawping?

ChippingIn · 28/07/2010 20:20

Adair - it's much easier not to shout in a 'teaching' environment isn't it - it's quite different at home.

When I am pushed to my limit (and fear for the blood pressure!) I tell them what will happen if they don't do x by the time I have counted to 5, but I only use it for things that take time to do, not things that take time to think about... so I would say I am going to count to 5 and any of those books not back on the bookshelf will get given to charity. I do not count for them doing as they are told - as in 'get off the table - 1, 2, 3, 4...' as I think that just teaches them to push the envelope further.

I always follow through on my 'threats', so they know that if I say it, it will happen. I save my best 'threats' for when I am really pissed off and don't 'waste' them on the small stuff!

I honestly, generally though, find my tone of voice when I am pushed to my limit is enough to have them do as they are told. GET> IN> THE> CAR> NOW> growled between my teeth.... I> HAVE> HAD> E> NOUGH>

Tea or wine at earliest opportunity afterwards

It just annoys me that they are 'Fairyland Faffers' and we have to get to that point. The mornings where they just get on with it and we breeze out of the door are lovely - it's just a shame they are such a rarity!

AlaskaNebraska · 28/07/2010 20:22

i htink if i said put your shoes on , say three times and there was no action i would move the kid or shoes to each other and have words.
not stand yelling like a loon

AlaskaNebraska · 28/07/2010 20:23

its odd that peopel think its SO bad for teachers to yell but do it to the people they love the most!

Meglet · 28/07/2010 20:23

yanbu. If I didn't shout on a fairly regular basis then they wouldn't hear me above their tantrums.

Having said that I do shout more when I am stressed. In the run up to dad dying last month I ended up shouting non-stop. The house is much calmer now I have to say .

AlaskaNebraska · 28/07/2010 20:24

i bet you did.
poor old you.

MaamRuby · 28/07/2010 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingIn · 28/07/2010 20:27

AlaskaNebraska - who said it was bad for teachers to shout?

Meglet - sorry about your Dad x It's very draining and stressfull.

WhatFreshHellIsThis · 28/07/2010 20:40

I don't expect teachers to shout because they're professionals, and they don't have the same relationship with my child as I do.

Let's face it, NOONE can push your buttons like your own offspring

And whereas a teacher can walk away at the end of the day and go home, your own children are ever present.

It's like other people's babies crying doesn't stress you out nearly as much as your own.

Plus children behave much better at nursery/school than at home, IME. DS1 actually said to me the other day 'I wouldn't do that at nursery Mummy, I'd get told off'

SO WHY DO IT HERE?

poshsinglemum · 28/07/2010 20:42

YANBU. I think it's ridiculous how poeple are frightened to let their kids know that enough is enough. As long as it is not swearing etc.
Some people don't shout enough imo. I know a few mums who let their kids get away with unacceptable behaviour because they are not firm enough.
We are only human and kids press our buttons at times.

poshsinglemum · 28/07/2010 20:45

I'm a teacher and I see nothing wrong with giving an unruly class a good old fashioned bollocking; shouting included. Mabe I'll loose credibility but ime it makes them stop and stare. As long as it isn't all the time.

Jemz · 28/07/2010 20:54

i shout waaay 2 much. always tell myself 'from 2moro i wont' as i dont want the kids 2 grow up hating me, but there r only so many times i can calmly say something b4 it turns into yelling.-bet the neighbours hate me!!

ChippingIn · 28/07/2010 20:56

PSM - I have absolutely no problem with a teacher shouting at a class en masse, but wouldn't like them to shout directly at one primary aged child. Being cross or stern etc - fine, proper shouting, no.

pagwatch · 28/07/2010 20:57

posh
not shouting does not mean that they don't get told off. My children understand perfectly when they have pissed me off. I just don't shout.
You can be firm without shouting. You can shout and do it but not shouting and not disciplining are not the same thing

edam · 28/07/2010 21:02

alaska, I live in a tall house where the kitchen and sitting room are on different floors. So I'm often shouting asking ds to come downstairs for his breakfast, or upstairs for his bath, or whatever. Suppose I could just stomp up or downstairs every time so I'm stood right next to him but that would feel a bit like I'm his flipping servant. Which would be accurate but not quite how I'd like to be perceived.

Counting actually works reasonably well. Although we've never explored exactly what would happen if I got to the end and ds wasn't starting to do whatever it is I'm telling him. Should have something up my sleeve for that eventuality, I suppose.

EveWasFramed72 · 28/07/2010 21:04

I don't swear, and though I admit that I have really lost my rag with both my DCs(yelling, not hitting), generally, if I raise my voice, it's to do with danger. I'm generally a bit loud and commanding, anyway, so DCs are pretty used to (but not terrified of) my bellowing. They are lovely children, and know they are safe and loved very much, so I don't worry too much.

SloanyPony · 28/07/2010 21:11

My DH shouts at them. My DH shouted at my 9 month old (who was 7 months at the time) to "shut up". I just gave him a smurk. (Obviously she didn't give a damn at that age)

So its not a totally shout free house by any stretch. And he shouts at my son. He shouted at him tonight. And my son said "okay Daddy dont make me cwy!"

Niceguy2 · 28/07/2010 21:15

Sorry but personally i find any parent who claims they do not shout at their kids are either liars or crap parents.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with an old fashioned rollocking. One which puts the fear of god into them. The key is to save it for when they've done something REALLY wrong and not just because you are sad, too busy etc. etc. Easier said than done I know.

I never punish mistakes or accidents. That's how you learn. I will however punish trying to lie or cover it up. Even when DD rode her bike into the car and put a HUGE scratch on it, she told me, I didn't punish her or even raise my voice.

However, insolence, rudeness, not doing as they are told after I've told them its not open for debate will get a good old rollocking from me.

It's not unreasonable to shout at your kids. In fact I would go as far as to say that it is unreasonable NOT to shout at your kids.