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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to find it completely amazing that some people never shout at their kids?

191 replies

undercovamutha · 28/07/2010 15:04

Seriously I am at the fact that so many people on MN never raise their voice to their kids.

I hold my hands up as a culprit of excessive ranting at DCs. Don't know if its just me, or whether (as I suspect) my DD is particularly infuriating (although very lovely!).

How do you zen-like people manage it? Are some kind of drugs involved? 24/7 telly watching? Wine? What is the answer? (and don't even get me started on 'How to talk...').

OP posts:
TeeBee · 28/07/2010 16:34

I ued to think that about my friend - she always seemed cool and reasonable with the kids, even when they were annoying nightmares. Always thought 'God, she's amazingly calm' and I would always praise her for it. Then one day she let slip she popped a couple of valium on the tough days.....ah, explains everything

SloanyPony · 28/07/2010 16:36

"For those that don't shout, what would you do if one of your siblings hit the other one, or ran out into the road when you had to told them to hold your hand? Surely some situations warrant a raised voice? "

A sibling hitting another would get told off. In no uncertain terms. But not loudly - firmly, annoyedly, but not loudly.

What would you do if a colleague needed reprimanding (assuming you were their manager). Would you yell, or would you deal with it calmly and professionally?

Yes, I deal with my children quite a bit differently than I deal with colleagues, but the point I'm making is it is possible to express displeasure and ensure its understood this kind of thing should not happen again without actually yelling.

A child who broke free of my hand running towards the road? I'd probably yell in that situation, yes. Partly because there is likely to be noise to be heard above, if there is a car that close and traffic in general. Partly because of the sheer urgency of the situation and the grave consequences - that's the kind of thing that would make me raise my voice, yes.

Like I say its not a concious decision or parenting philosophy, just the way I am personally programmed. Bear in mind also my children are thus far both pretty "easy" to parent, we've got thorugh the "terrible twos" with no episodes I could honestly describe as a tantrum. Why? He's programmed a bit the same as me, I guess! (He does yell though in other ways!)

Broderie · 28/07/2010 16:38

The people who don't shout usually have a high level of support in place (ie. family help, nanny/au pair, gardener, cook, cleaner etc)

ChippingIn · 28/07/2010 16:42

MaamRuby - just spluttered tea all over the keyboard! (and knickers, all of you, every day)....

Perhaps we need to define 'shouting'?? As I said, I shout to them, to hurry up if I'm out at the car and they are still faffing inside... but I don't shout once they are within normal ear shot. I don't see the need when they can hear me... however, my telling them off between gritted teeth is probably as bad!

One of the things I love about the holidays is that I haven't said/shouted 'HURRY. UP.' 50 times before 8.15 in the morning!!! If there was a degree in fairyland faffing they'd have graduated already!!

Manda25 · 28/07/2010 16:43

I don't shout at my 7 yr old (really!) and me and the OH never argue (nothing past 'that pissed me of' 'ok sorry, i hear you'). However i shouted and lost the plot with my first son (19yrs old)... and me and his dad used to fight all the time.

My life is easy these day (compared to being a mum at 17 with no money and desperately unhappy) we are lucky enough not to have any worries so nothing to argue about....i am all shouted and argued out.

AlaskaNebraska · 28/07/2010 16:43

i dont have a cleaner cook or houskeeper!

MaamRuby · 28/07/2010 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Broderie · 28/07/2010 16:46

AlaskaNebraska but you do have a gardener, family support and fairly normal average children?

AlaskaNebraska · 28/07/2010 16:48

gardner?!!! haha no.
average kids? hmm spose so.. do we onyl shout at abnormal kids hten?
(sorry havnet followed whole thread)

undercovamutha · 28/07/2010 16:48

Sloany - if my colleague repeatedly ignored my request after me repeatedly asking approx 20 times in quick succession, and then did the complete opposite of what I asked, then maybe I might shout, who knows! I would certainly be mightily pissed off.

But I also agree with thumbwitch, that there is a definite correlation between my stress levels and my ranting!!! Unfortunately, the DCs get progressively more fractious as the day goes on, as do I!!!

Btw very about the lack of tantrums.

OP posts:
MaamRuby · 28/07/2010 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlaskaNebraska · 28/07/2010 16:50

i DO think some peopel talk too much to their kids and mean very litle of it.
its always good to take a step back and listen to yourself go on nad on ononononon boring naggy ..

then do ti properly

you all need HTT

Broderie · 28/07/2010 16:51

no, i just meant if you mitigating circumstances then your stress levels will be much higher than if you don't and you may be more likely to shout

edam · 28/07/2010 16:51

On the few occasions when I've really shouted at ds when he's in imminent danger (usually by the side of a road), he's been quite upset. Which is reassuring in a way, as it means general shouting of the 'Please put your shoes on. I said get your shoes on. We have to go to school NOW! GET YOUR SHOES ON' doesn't upset him. I think. (And I do tell him when he's crossing roads nicely so he gets positive reinforcement as well.)

Someone on here once said 'if you've told a child to do something twice, there's no point yelling the third time - they still aren't going to do it'. Which struck me as v. true. Their advice was that if you are being ignored you need to change the situation. Something about doing something the child wouldn't expect, such as singing the next line, or pretending to put their shoes on yourself, or something?

I vaguely try to remember this and do it, but can't claim to manage it most of the time...

Broderie · 28/07/2010 16:52

if you have mitigating circumstances I meant

obviously that is a pretty open ended specification!

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 28/07/2010 16:52

I shout purely to be heard over the laughing/screeching/farmyard impressions. My children are feral

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 28/07/2010 16:56

"shouting at her friends that 'this fucking foetus better fucking move round or I will fucking move it'"

...sounds like a typical thread title on MN.

And you can't smell the fags over the internet...

AlaskaNebraska · 28/07/2010 16:58

edam - thats how to talk.
its a good book but tbh i think the teenager edition is easier to read

anonymousbird · 28/07/2010 16:58

CHNE we've gone a bit feral this summer, in past years I would have struggled with it, but this year I'm loving it.

DH walked in the other day to a naked, filthy DD (for the 15th day in a row..) and actually used the world "feral" (in a pleasant way) and I felt a teensy weensy bit pleased and proud as this has been my whole philosophy this year - let go, chill out, not care and come round some time in early September.....

SloanyPony · 28/07/2010 17:02

Regarding the high level of support - not for me - no family of my own or in laws close by, husband does silly hours.

But its irrelevant in that I dont probably get any less annoyed than anyone else - its just that I'm not programmed to raise my voice in order to relieve/alleviate that frustration and/or get the right thing to happen - I sound irritated, I say the same things "hurry up, we are late" "if you dont get dressed now you will go to school in your pyjamas" etc etc, I just dont shout it...

Its just a noise thing - I got in the habit of doing things quietly and efficiently earlier in life due to family situation followed by job situation.

I dont really like standing at the bottom of the stairs and bellowing to the person upstairs either - I always feel crass and brash and naggy when I do that, I tend to dash up the stairs and just say it to them in the same room.

Its by no means better parenting - that's not how you measure parenting effectiveness/goodness. Some of the happiest, most functional families I know are LOUD. We are just not one of them.

ChippingIn · 28/07/2010 17:05

MaamRuby - I am going to need a new keyboard at this rate!!! It would appear there are hamsters who learn faster than they do sometimes eg knickers, everyday, every bottom in the house Sounds like yours could be up for graduation as well!!!

The other things is the stupid questions, not the 'Why don't worms eat watermelon' sort, but this sort...

'Put your blue shoes on today' 'What, these blue shoes?'..... 'Of course 'those' blue shoes, how many pairs of blue shoes do you have'???

'Put your coat on the hook' 'What, this coat' 'Yes, the one you were wearing, which other one?'

Day in Day out Day in Day out Day in Day out

It's like they need to ask stupid questions just to have something to say!!! Arghhhhhhh

Hassled · 28/07/2010 17:06

I'm not really a shouter. Only DD has ever really caused me to do some serious shouting, and she gave as good as she got (during her teenage hell years). I don't shout at the younger DSs, although I'd say there's less zen-like calm and more internalised rage going on.

SloanyPony · 28/07/2010 17:07

I recently had some building work done and the man that was doing it commented on how I deal with my children. He has 5 children. He said how patient I was.

I said to him, but am I really? I get quite exasperated. I have zero tolerance to certain things that other people would just grin and bear. I gave a couple of examples.

He concluded that I was essentially the same, but was just quieter. He also said he thought that made for a sort of calm environment that felt more harmonious than it actually was, if you were to do a transcript of everything that gets said and read it back, it was not much different to anything else. Which is probably true.

Kathyjelly · 28/07/2010 17:08

And unlikely!

I shout. It falls into two categories

  • Panic "don't move, you'll fall" etc when I absolutely need to grab his attention.
  • Exhaustion. When DS has been on the go for two nights and two days and won't give up and I'm so tired, I just snap.

But at least I save it for exceptional occasions.

Fartytowels · 28/07/2010 17:12

I don't shout at my son, it gets me nowhere. I'm not talking about shouting up the stairs, or dinner's ready - I mean row shouting.

If I shouted he'd retreat into himself like a Hermit crab and wouldn't listen. We would never get out of the door. And once he gets into a tantrum that can sometimes take about 20 minutes to come out of.

Nextdoor neighbour shouts at her kids all day and calls them Oi! Oi get in the house! And swears at them.

Now 2 years later, they shout back at her. What should she do now - shout louder? This has become a normal way of communication in their family.

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