To expect my Bridesmaids to wear what I've chosen and paid for!

[IveStillGotIt]

DP and I are getting married next May, and I'm just starting to organize things, dresses, venue e.t.c.

My two sisters, two best friends and DP'S sister are going (or maybe that should be supposed) to be my bridesmaids, and I'm paying for their dresses and shoes e.t.c.

However, DP'S sister is refusing to wear the dress I've chosen. Instead she has said "I'll wear the bridesmaid dress I wore at X's wedding last year"!!! WTF, it's MY big day, I'M paying for the dresses, and I want all my bridesmaids to wear the same thing, or else it will just look daft in the photos. And if I was ever a bridesmaid, I would never dream of saying to the bride "I'm not wearing that, I'll wear this instead".

So, basically I've said to her that if she wants to be my bridesmaid, then she has to wear what I've chose and will be paying for, or if she wants to wear her own dress, then she can't be my bridesmaid.
DP agrees with me as does future MIL!!!
But, one of my friends has said it is abit mean of me, and I should just let her wear what she wants, which I do not want to do, as it will ruin my colour scheme and look daft?
What to ou all think? AIBU?

Hmmm, I'm dubious of 'colour schemes' and matchy matchy at the best of times, did you not choose them in collaboration with your bridal party? If you didn't, then YABU. They're not dolls. If you did, and she is now changing her mind you are being less unreasonable. Could you not find a dress you all like in the 'right' colour?

Humm - going to be controversial this one. Did you consult them on the colours and styles of the dresses before the purchase was made? If not, then YABateenybitU. Although, i I were in the bridesmaids shoes and hated the dress, I'd wear it anyway and moan about you to my other half on the quiet..

YADNBU. This is a perfectly reasonable request in accordance with all wedding etiquette I've ever experienced. Tell her SHE IBU and sort herself out or withdraw from her BM role.

Did your bridesmaids to be go with you when you chose the dresses?

Is it lilac and frilly?

YANBU, to be perfectly honest, I would have said exactly the same as you have and if she still didn't agree then she could do one and not bother turning up at the wedding at all, its your day why should your special day be dictated by a stroppy mare who has spat out her dummy.

I am getting married next year and if anyone tries to tell me what to do, they will be told exactly where to go, regardless of them being family or not.

Good grief - of course she should wear what YOU want - how bizarre to suggest otherwise.

When I was a bridesmaid I wore a horrible dress but so what - everyone knew I wasn't the one who chose it!!!

I don't think you are being unreasonable - having one bridesmaid in a totally different dress would look very strange.

I've never been a bridesmaid but I have been to a lot of weddings where some of the bridesmaids dresses have definitely not been to my taste, but to be honest, it's the bride's day and I think it's tough shit if you are a bridesmaid and you don't like the dress. If they don't like it that much, don't be a bridesmaid. And it's hard to find dresses that suit a range of heights/ages/shapes, so invariably some of the bridesmaids will look better than others. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Is there no room for compromise and happy family events in people's weddings? When we got wed I picked the BM dresses with my bridesmaids, having discussed style and colour with them first...they vetoed a couple of ideas before we got to the final one which was fine. They're not dolls!

It's your choice. If she can't bring herself to wear what you choose/buy then simply tell her you don't want her as a bridesmaid. Little bridesmaids are there to look cute, adult ones are there to help you and make your day run smoothly. It's not her day it's yours.

YABU unless you consulted them on styles, there are some styles which I cannot (IMO) and will not wear due to humongoboobs

I think its odd to want your friends/family to feel uncomfortable at your wedding, I paid for my bridesmaids dresses and accessories and wouldn't have bought anything that they weren't all happy in

If she doesn't like the dress then it's ok for her to tell you, even to suggest something else that might go - but just to tell you that she will be wearing something else is rude.

Conversely, all the emphasis on MY big day and me me me is going to mke you seem bridezilla, even if you are in the right!

maybe she doesn't really want to be a bm and is trying to force you to sack her?
if so could you say 'Oh Susan I know I asked you to be a bridesmaid but I realise I really need someone I trust to [do a reading/ hold my bouquet / co-ordinate the performing badgers]'?

Or is her preferred dress much less revealing or something? Offer to get her a wrap?

I think a leetle bit of pussyfooting indulgence tolerance may pay off.

If she doesnt wear what you choose then she cant be a bridesmaid-easy!

I haven't picked the exact dresses yet, but they are going to be 'hot pink' and big. DP and his best man will be wearing ties the same colour, and I will have pink balloons at the reception.
I did think a couple of them would moan, but when I told them my colour scheme, my youngest sister who is a 'goth' thought it was great!!! She was the one I thought would have the biggest face on about it!!! My other sis, just rolled her eyes and laughed and said "I might have guessed" and my two best friends, again like my middle sister, laughed and said "well it's your day, as long as your paying for it" sort of thing, it's just DP'S sis who said an outright NO, and then said she would wear this hideous dress she wore as a bridesmaid last year.
The dress she wants to wear is black with a white swishy thing down the middle!!!
I just think it would look daft compared to my dresses and theme.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I think if it is your wedding and you are paying then you should have what you want.

Have you discussed why the bridesmaid doesn't want to wear your choice?

Also, try and be calm about your wedding or you will have a breakdown before you get to the venue. Just try and take deep breaths...

Just think, when you are celebrating your silver wedding, this will be just another anecdote and a funny story to tell about the run up.

Of course yanbu and she should not wear what she wants. WTF is that all about.

I wouldn't even bother now tbh and would tell her she is no longer needed.

I had pone page boy and no bridesmaids at my wedding, much better imo.

Is there any way she could wear a dress made from the same fabric but in a style that suits her shape? It seems unreasonable of her to announce that she'll be wearing something completely different if you're paying but, on the other hand, if it's a style thing (as in, she looks truly awful in drop-waist things and would like empire-line) I think it would be kind of you to seek a compromise.

FWIW my bridesmaids all wore completely different style dresses and looked great - we chose the colour and fabric together and one bought a dress in that colour, one had one made (we bought the fabric) and my cousin made hers. They each chose a style that worked for them and I'm glad they did as I chose them because they are important to me for different reasons, not because of their shapes/sizes or compliance!

YANBU

If she doesnt wear it the she isnt a bridesmaid. Simple.

I made my sister wear a dress that kept sliding off her shoulders as I hadn't considered her weirdy slopey shoulder problem. She just put up with it 'cause she was the bridesMAID not the flippin' bride.

Is it the hot pink or the big she objects to?