To expect my Bridesmaids to wear what I've chosen and paid for!

[IveStillGotIt]

DP and I are getting married next May, and I'm just starting to organize things, dresses, venue e.t.c.

My two sisters, two best friends and DP'S sister are going (or maybe that should be supposed) to be my bridesmaids, and I'm paying for their dresses and shoes e.t.c.

However, DP'S sister is refusing to wear the dress I've chosen. Instead she has said "I'll wear the bridesmaid dress I wore at X's wedding last year"!!! WTF, it's MY big day, I'M paying for the dresses, and I want all my bridesmaids to wear the same thing, or else it will just look daft in the photos. And if I was ever a bridesmaid, I would never dream of saying to the bride "I'm not wearing that, I'll wear this instead".

So, basically I've said to her that if she wants to be my bridesmaid, then she has to wear what I've chose and will be paying for, or if she wants to wear her own dress, then she can't be my bridesmaid.
DP agrees with me as does future MIL!!!
But, one of my friends has said it is abit mean of me, and I should just let her wear what she wants, which I do not want to do, as it will ruin my colour scheme and look daft?
What to ou all think? AIBU?

Fizzpops I would love to be BM but I have never been asked, other than when I was a child, BIL's wedding I was gutted SIL was (quite properly asked) but I got on better with BIL's wife (she and SIL do not get on) and SIL did nothing but piss on everything and complain she didn't want to be BM and canceled a week before.

My uncle who I lived with like a brother wanted me but couldn't due to funds, and his wife had her family again rightly and if we had started on my family it would have mean upsetting someone as there are 10 nieces and nephews , But I would of loved to be BM.

I didn't manage to read the whole thread just the last 4 pages. I think find another role for SIL Then she can wear the dress from the last wedding which she obviously likes and you can get on with the hot pink scheme

I don't know what she could do. Could she be greeting guests at the door or something like that? Be in charge of the children bridesmaids or something you think she might feel comfortable doing? Maybe she's happy enough just sitting with her parents and won't be all that offended not to be a bridesmaid. You can say, look we'd love to have you as a bridesmaid but the thing is we do want a colour scheme and so that wouldn't work, is there some other role you'd like to have - for example.... or do you just want to be one of the guests?

You're the bride, you get to choose what the bridesmaids wear and who the bridemaids are. I don't think that's unreasonable. It's not like you're making her pay for it.

"not in front of me, but he tells me everything" OP you are hilarious! I love your naivety!

My BM's chose their own outfits, followed a rough colour scheme (can I suggest hot pink accents?) and had a fantastic day feeling as fabulous as I wanted them to...but then I'm nice and I love them.

fizzpops, I also would have loved to have been a bridesmaid. I never had the chance as a child. I was only asked once - by my sister - but unfortunately I had just found out I was pregnant and had to decline. Sniff.

Just as a perspective, given I got married many years ago, as a guest I find weddings increasingly tiresome and have started to find excuses not to go. Time was that a wedding consisted of a ceremony, a meal afterwards and (if you wanted to stay) a hideous disco that means you can't talk to anyone for the badly distorted noise of records that weren't really that good twenty years ago. That alone had got more protracted than a generation ago, but one puts up with it.

Now there's an increasing tendency for events to take all day and all night. A friend did that for her third marriage, and then made a huge strop when a lot of people pointed out that two rooms (teenage children in most of our cases) in a smooth hotel is £400, and most of us didn't spend that on our own weddings. Or to attempt to impose ludicrous restrictions on dress. We got invited to a wedding which attempted to impose a colour scheme on the guests "for the photos" - we found an excuse and declined. Or, absolutely and utterly inexcusably, to invite family adults but "no children". It's just about excusable for friends not to invite your children, although personally I wouldn't bother going in that case; it isn't acceptable for family to do that.

It's simple, basic politeness: the people organising the wedding are hosts, first and foremost, and their first priority should be making sure that the people who are attending are looked after. Assuming that the guests constitute a moveable backdrop at your beck and call, or that they have an obligation to come, is simply rude. I've been to a couple of weddings I've enjoyed, but mostly they were a chore. At my age it's starting to be funerals, which at least most people only do once.

"I'd be quite surprised to find anyone having a 2nd funeral for themselves"

I wouldn't. I've been to several at which there's a funeral with/without religion and another the opposite way around, depending on the views of the dead person, their spouse and the wider family. The rise of being able to get married in designated venues has rather put a stop to the equivalent, but in the 1980s I went to several things where there was a register office wedding followed by a church not-quite-wedding, to deal with assorted religious issues between the happy couples' families.

You Pay - You Choose. I was only a bridesmaid once, when I was 27. I got quite excited about choosing some floaty summer calf length number that I could wear afterwards, until the bride insisted on something huge and hot pink with very big sleeves. I went along with it but did hear grumblings from the bride's family that I should be paying for the dress (FFS!). I kept schtum, wore the dress with good grace and then gave it back to them. Presume it was sold. Incidentally, went to the same friends second wedding a few weeks ago. (PS - and with hindsight I did look fab in the big hot pink number, but we can all look fab at 27 - no?)

has the SIL actually already bought a pink dress for the wedding (which you have paid for) and she now refuses to wear it or has the money not been spent yet?

I don't think you are being U, and like a lot of posters say most good friends would wear whatever to please you on your day. However it sounds like you have only asked your sister in law to be because you feel sorry for her not because you get on well, from the sounds of your previous posts you and her don't have a great relationship so she has no incentive to want to please you on your day - especially if she thinks she will look awful in what you have chosen. Whay don't you tell her (nicely) that as you can't agree on a dress choice she could have some other special responsibilities - a reading or something like that perhaps? That way she will still feel part of it, it eases your conscience and reduces all the stress.

Ask yourself this question: What is more important to you? Is it the lovely dresses, the nice venue etc, or declaring your love for each other and having family and friends there to help you celebrate becoming husband and wife?

My wedding was simple. I said my vows with family and friends present, then buggered off up the pub for nosh and drinks. Simple, but effective.

Well May is a long way off and you have 10 months to make friends with your future SIL. Seems to me your colour scheme is your call, if she wants to be a bridesmaid she needs to put up with the colour even if everything else is up for debate.

Maybe you could get her along to a trying on session somewhere with a load of different styles - no commitment but offer to buy her lunch if you can't change her mind. Not all of us are comfortable about dressing up because we fear we'll look stupid, sometimes we need to actually see the evidence in the mirror.

Take my word for it you have more hope in a "charm offensive" than getting into arguments at this stage.

I got married last friday, and jesh we're my bridesmaids an utter nightmare!!!

I had 7(yes seven!)
I have three sisters, who I naturally wanted, all very tall, beautiful figures and very tanned(they live in australia)
My two beautiful little girls were my flower girls.
I wanted my oldest sister(all three are younger than me, 24,15 and 13) as my MOH however she was in australia and i couldnt charge her with all the things that come along with being a maid of honour(helping me, organising hen do etc) as she only flew in the week before the wedding,
I asked a very close friend who is fairly short, very curvy and has humoungous bazokas!
I then had to ask hubbys niece as didnt think it was fair to leave her out. Shes only 11 but slightly over weight

Sooooo I had to find something to suit skinny minis, and curvy girlies, and to add into the flipping mix DH niece, and my youngest are both BRIGHT red heads....

I went for black and ivory, and had to practically force MOH to even try the dress on we had choosen(we did all sit down together and choose dresses, however they we're a disaster and was left with two weeks to go and five dresses to find)
Thankfully she tried it on and loved it

I had several bridezilla moments as MIL was insistent on trying to get her grandaughter to stand out in anyway she found possible.
Hair, jewlry, makeup, shoes, dress....she always has to be centre of attention but i wasnt having any of it.

I mannaged to get everything perfect, had a fight with my little sisters as they didnt want their hair up, my words were its up or you can wear it down but be a guest...you choose.
I had a hair dresser booked so the girls hair was all the same....

Then mother in law turned up at 2pm(instead of 11am) with niece...who had her hair down in ringlets, she'd taken her to a hairdressers!!! I was so angry as was worried it would make all my pictures look off....plus cue HUGE row with sisters as to why she got to wear her hair down and they couldnt....lots of tears from a very stressed me...

As it was turned out perfect lol...no one noticed and the day was perfect

Personally OP i think you should have whatever the heck you want, she either puts up with it or sods off. But thats just me!
Oh, and pink! Yum yum, would have loved pink but hubby put his foot down and banned it from the wedding compleatly!

I thought black would be very difficult, but we had DC in ivory with black sash's, older girls all in black and burnt orange flowers to bring a bit of colour into it all!

Good luck, and have a fantastic day xxx

Oooooo-photo-

dont know if the link'll work though!

www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/photo.php?pid=4520480&id=506929025&fbid=419670889025

scrap that link, here

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clearly you have loads of bridesmaids OP - let her know one less won't be noticed if she doesn't want to wear the dress! But please let you know soon before you shop for the shoes

Personally I just picked a colour and said any shade was fine and let them pick the dresses and I paid.

Since it appears most weddings are only an excuse to produce the photographs, why not just do them in black and white? They last longer too. Then people can wear any colour they like.