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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my Bridesmaids to wear what I've chosen and paid for!

194 replies

IveStillGotIt · 23/07/2010 17:17

DP and I are getting married next May, and I'm just starting to organize things, dresses, venue e.t.c.

My two sisters, two best friends and DP'S sister are going (or maybe that should be supposed) to be my bridesmaids, and I'm paying for their dresses and shoes e.t.c.

However, DP'S sister is refusing to wear the dress I've chosen. Instead she has said "I'll wear the bridesmaid dress I wore at X's wedding last year"!!! WTF, it's MY big day, I'M paying for the dresses, and I want all my bridesmaids to wear the same thing, or else it will just look daft in the photos. And if I was ever a bridesmaid, I would never dream of saying to the bride "I'm not wearing that, I'll wear this instead".

So, basically I've said to her that if she wants to be my bridesmaid, then she has to wear what I've chose and will be paying for, or if she wants to wear her own dress, then she can't be my bridesmaid.
DP agrees with me as does future MIL!!!
But, one of my friends has said it is abit mean of me, and I should just let her wear what she wants, which I do not want to do, as it will ruin my colour scheme and look daft?
What to ou all think? AIBU?

OP posts:

Morloth · 23/07/2010 18:04

YANBU, the whole point of BM dresses is to be hideous, makes the bride look better in contrast.

Have worn some monstrosities over the years, but what the hell.

MrsBadger · 23/07/2010 18:08

(mismatched bridesmaid dresses are very cool though)

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/07/2010 18:09

Hot Pink? tbh that is sooo unforgiving.

Why can't you look at more complimentary shades a palette of like colours, so that it's clear they are part of the wedding party and ideally a variety of styles, so that it suits them individually. What looks great on a size 14 will very likely look awful on a size 8.

The wedding is not for ages, nothing is set in stone. Get your BMs round for dinner and have a chat about it all.. Get them involved and get a general consensus on styles, and colours.

Brainstorm it, create a mood board with pics of dresses and swatches of colours you like, styles and the overall feel for the day.

Cut pics out to illustrate your thinking. whether it's sleek and minimalist or ornate and decorative...and get them as excited about as you are, rather than just imposing your will - which from the hot pink decision may not be all that...

For example, you are getting married in May, so think of a May inspired theme, Spring, May Poles, with brightly (differently) coloured ribbons, each dress could be a different colour but a similar design. Or you could pick one colour everyone likes and vary the styles to suit each BM. Think of a Flower that blossoms in May, focus on that and choose colours that reflect that theme.

Get them to 'buy in' to the big day, it'll eliminate a heck of a lot of issues up front.

I got married in October, so Autumn leaves was my inspiration, I had a flame coloured dress, red berries and an exquisite two colour rose in my bouquet.

slushy · 23/07/2010 18:13

Do you know what if anyone cared enough to ask me to be bridesmaid I would care enough to go out wearing SFA if it pleased them and meant I helped make their day how the bride wanted it.

Secondly she should count herself lucky many brides make you pay for the privilege of being bridesmaid, if she was paying then she has every right to choose but as you are paying she can wear what you choose even if it is a leopard skin leotard it is your wedding you would have thought she could do a small thing like wear the dress you bought for her.

slushy · 23/07/2010 18:18

op your wedding your choice sounds like Sil wants to stand out to me, I hate pink but I would wear it happily if I didn't have to shell out for it. Tell her fine if she does not want to wear pink then she can wear the other dress and do a reading.

detoxdiva · 23/07/2010 18:19

It's your day, your choice.

However - if these are grown women you're talking about, it must be obvious that anything hot pink and big is going to be a bit . Could you not all sit down and agree a compromise so everyone is happy? Like agree on a particular style and let the bridesmaids choose from a selection of varying degrees of pink? Or agree on a colour but let them choose the dress style? Either option would still look great, and less like you've got a matching set of toilet roll covers standing next to you

SnailWhaleTail · 23/07/2010 18:23

I have been an adult bridesmaid twice and have twice had to buy a vile dress and shoes but i did because that's what the bride wanted and I wanted to make them happy.

My husband helpfully told me at the first wedding that I looked like a bruise in my puce dress with my flushed face from the heat.

I of course chose very lovely dresses from Coast and paid for them as I was the one that chose them, my lovely friends also humoured me in my choice.

HappyMummyOfOne · 23/07/2010 18:23

YABU, yes its your day but they are not dolls or doing you some huge favour. I love pink but five hot pink bridesmaids, plus matching items and balloons is a little OTT.

I let my bridesmaids choose their own dresses as they had to wear them not me.

sprogger · 23/07/2010 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wubblybubbly · 23/07/2010 18:30

Why on earth is it considered an honour to dress up in something hideous just to please someone who obviously couldn't give a shite about your feelings?

OTOH it is an honour to be asked to play an important role in someone's wedding because they value you as a person, rather than a mere coathanger for their chosen accessory.

SirBoobAlot · 23/07/2010 18:32

Sprogger I'll have you know I managed both

LetThereBeRock · 23/07/2010 18:32

Why is it such an honour to be a bridesmaid? I really don't get that.

LetThereBeRock · 23/07/2010 18:33

Wubbly put it better.

slushy · 23/07/2010 18:36

Well in which case if the sister does not see it as a honor then she won't mind not participating will she?

LetThereBeRock · 23/07/2010 18:37

Possibly so. Personally I'd sooner develop leprosy than be a bridesmaid.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 23/07/2010 18:38

I guess as you are paying she should really get on with it, but I can't really get beyond the hot pink and big thing. As a red head I just don't do pink and wouldn't be able to bring myself to do so as a bridesmaid. I'd resign at that point, though goodness knows how on earth you do that politely.

LetThereBeRock · 23/07/2010 18:40

Hot pink and big paints quite an interesting picture.

I don't get colour schemes either.

Original poster

IveStillGotIt · 23/07/2010 18:42

SirBoobAlot- you've took the words out of my mouth: She can wear what she wants... As a guest.
SugarMousePink- thanks for making me snort Stella up my nose!!! Poo brown, yellow spots with lilac lace!!! Best laugh I've had in ages, might just suggest that, she'll be begging for hot pink!!!
Style wise, like I've said, I'm willing to let them pick themselves, to a degree, as long as they look similar-ish, it's just the colour I've set my heart on, and I don't expect them to wait on me hand and foot, It's a fairly small-ish affair as I'm not in a position to afford the day I want, which is why I want the dresses to be how I would like them. I have negotiated the fact that they will be holding flowers, which is traditional, I wanted sparkly wands, which everyone scoffed at, so the bridesmaids will have a traditional flowers, but I'll have a sparkly wand with a diamante heart at the top of it!!!

OP posts:

sprogger · 23/07/2010 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slushy · 23/07/2010 18:43

Exactly letthereberock it is win win if she doesn't care she will be happy to resign, if she does then she would be willing to wear the dress.

I don't think she wants to be bridesmaid and this is her get out clause.

LetThereBeRock · 23/07/2010 18:43

At least you're considerate enough to allow some negotiation but sparkly wands?...

minipie · 23/07/2010 18:44

Well.

It's entirely normal - even traditional - for the bride to get to demand her bridesmaids wear whatever she wants them to, even if they hate it. And most bridesmaids just suck it up.

So your demand is entirely normal.

On the other hand it's not really terribly nice is it, to make her wear something she doesn't want to. Do you want her to enjoy the wedding or don't you?

I knew my mates would hate to be dressed in match matchy dresses and saunter down the aisle. Which is why I didn't have bridesmaids and asked them to do readings etc instead.

Ultimately what's more important - the overall "look" or the fact that your bridesmaids and guests are happy...?

LetThereBeRock · 23/07/2010 18:46

You may be right Slushy.

rewardgirl · 23/07/2010 18:47

MRs Badger - I like a lot of those pics with un-matching dresses - really lovely!

OP - how about different shades of (complimenting) pink rather than all hot pink? Will be more subtle / classy and it's a more forgiving colour on anyone over 3 years old...

Will also help when you're matching other stuff (flowers, balloons etc) as you're not going to be able to find EXACTLY the same pink for EVERYTHING....

SirBoobAlot · 23/07/2010 18:48

Woah up a second... A sparkly wand?

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