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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my Bridesmaids to wear what I've chosen and paid for!

194 replies

IveStillGotIt · 23/07/2010 17:17

DP and I are getting married next May, and I'm just starting to organize things, dresses, venue e.t.c.

My two sisters, two best friends and DP'S sister are going (or maybe that should be supposed) to be my bridesmaids, and I'm paying for their dresses and shoes e.t.c.

However, DP'S sister is refusing to wear the dress I've chosen. Instead she has said "I'll wear the bridesmaid dress I wore at X's wedding last year"!!! WTF, it's MY big day, I'M paying for the dresses, and I want all my bridesmaids to wear the same thing, or else it will just look daft in the photos. And if I was ever a bridesmaid, I would never dream of saying to the bride "I'm not wearing that, I'll wear this instead".

So, basically I've said to her that if she wants to be my bridesmaid, then she has to wear what I've chose and will be paying for, or if she wants to wear her own dress, then she can't be my bridesmaid.
DP agrees with me as does future MIL!!!
But, one of my friends has said it is abit mean of me, and I should just let her wear what she wants, which I do not want to do, as it will ruin my colour scheme and look daft?
What to ou all think? AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
IveStillGotIt · 23/07/2010 19:34

cat64- if I win the lottery tomorrow that's EXACTLY what I want!!!
But I'm doing it on a budget, so I'm having to improvise!!!
My dress is going to be big!!! It's only £300 from a catalogue, but I'm getting lots of netting underneath it so it will look abit like Joan's (that documentary is where I got my ideas from!), and I LOVE the heart theme that she had going on!!!

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 23/07/2010 19:35

Sparkly wand + MIL saying SIL2B is piling on the weight +5 bridesmaids + hot pink..

= Recipe for disaster......

Here OP, have a , plenty of time before the circus big day to rant work it off....

MrsBadger · 23/07/2010 19:36

it is this one, isn't it?

atmywitssend · 23/07/2010 19:38

YANBU - its your day! And especially as it you paying for the dress. If she doesn't like it she need not be a bridesmaid.

seeker · 23/07/2010 19:40

You know, the older I get (and I am very old) the more often I read a thread like this and find myself thinking "Ah, bless!"

wubblybubbly · 23/07/2010 19:40

This one I reckon

OrmRenewed · 23/07/2010 19:42

I don't know.

The fact that it's the brides Special Day only goes so far IMO. If you want them to wear something totally hideous that will make them look the the back of a bus I don't blame her for arguing. Surely you'd prefer her to be comfortable and happy? Is there room for compromise?

I didn't know bridesmaid stands for skivvy and stooge.

ticktockclock · 23/07/2010 19:44

Well if something like this is her inspiration it is her choice. It is her day.

Haliborange · 23/07/2010 19:47

Sack her. If she is being difficult now imagine what she'll be like on the day when things are not to her satisfaction. She obviously doesn't get that someone else's wedding is not about her.

And I hope the dress you've chosen for her is orange and brown paisley with smocking, puffed sleeves and a mid-calf skirt.

Rockbird · 23/07/2010 19:50

I was at a wedding last week and the bm's dresses were hot pink. Not my colour by a long stretch but they looked fab, and one of them was less than skinny and she looked fab as well.

The point of being a bm is to wear what the bride wants you to and to smile prettily. If you don't like it, say no thank you.

ShesEverSoFamous · 23/07/2010 20:04

OP - My bridesmaids wore hot pink, was also expected of me.
My then 12 year old sister went mental when I told her my choice, she was going through an Emo stage.
I told her if she wasn't going to wear it then fine she wouldn't be my bridesmaid, after a few trips to dress shops she changed her mind when she saw the fun myself and the other bridesmaids were having planning the day.
You'll maybe be lucky with your soon to be SIL.
She ended up wearing this if I can make an Emo pre-teen wear that I'm sure you can get your SIL into a hot pink dress.

RobynLou · 23/07/2010 20:15

I just don't get whats so awful about looking a bit ridiculous for one day, I'd look silly but get into the spirit of it and laugh about it.
YANBU! (and normally I say YABU to wedding related topics on here!)

Flisspaps · 23/07/2010 20:16

YABU if you want grown women to wear big hot pink dresses.

Meglet · 23/07/2010 20:19

oooo, YABU. Everyone is going to look awful from the sounds of it!

Why can't you let everyone look good? . It reflects on you if you made them look dreadful.

But, I am of the opinion that I would only get married in Lacroix, and that's not likely to happen, so you might want to listen to someone with their feet on the ground.

Original poster
IveStillGotIt · 23/07/2010 20:27

ShesEverSoFamous- thats the sort of idea I have or prom style dresses!
My youngest sister is 20 and her style is Emo/Goth, and she's the one I was worried about the most. She LOVED my colour scheme and theme, she was the only bridesmaid who wanted a wand!, as soon as I said hot pink, she was on-line looking for a hot pink big puffy dress!!! My mother said it's the first time she's seen her crack a smile in about five years!!!
I know my colour scheme isn't everyones cup of tea, but it's what I want and my sisters and best friends understand this, it's just DP'S sis who is throwing a tantrum about it, and even though we don't get on, DP and her have been through alot together as children, and the way her mother speaks about her as well, makes me feel sad, which is why I do want her to play a part in our big day, but I don't want my wishes to be put to the side either though.

OP posts:
minxofmancunia · 23/07/2010 20:28

Hmmm, undecided on this one, your wedding theme isn't to my choice but each to their own and all that....

For my wedding we had an autumnal theme re colours (October wedding) and I only had 1 BM, my sister as I couldn't be bothered with the hassle and expense and politics of more than 1, just lucky for me I've got 1 sister! I let her choose the dress as she's quite self conscious and I wanted her to be comfortable and happy. She chose a lovely rich burgundy dress, well simple strapless corset and top. There's no way I'd make anyone spend all day wearing something that really didn't suit them.

FWIW I think all matching can look a bit tacky and mismatching on a theme looks cool. And I shouldn't say this but in all the weddings I've been to I've never really liked the bridesmaids dresses, they've looked frumpy and or/tacky esp when home made by the mother of the bride or something. And on lots of occassions they've looked miserable because they know they've looked crap. Bridesmaids dresses can be a bit naff.

So yes it's your day but I do think you are being a bit U.

BTW are you planning on having children there?

Loujalou · 23/07/2010 20:34

Could she do a reading or play some other part in the wedding if she doesn't want to wear the dress. I really liked the unmatched bridesmaids. I wore (and paid for) a horrid light pink dress for my uncle's wedding. But then I really wanted to be a bridesmaid /and its the bride's day

Like the BHS dresses btw. Fair more flattering than what I had to wear.

My bridesmaids had purple Coast dresses / 2 piece outfits that one of my BMs found when she went out looking for dresses. They looked fab. They also had flowers on their wrists like they do on US Proms. All my cousins and had similar colouring but looking back unmatched would have been cooler.

MrsC2010 · 23/07/2010 20:56

Its u'r day hunnie. xxxxxxx

Salbysea · 23/07/2010 21:04

there is absolutely no way I would wear the last dress linked. I will not go braless and cross over back bras don't work after a certain size

tokyonambu · 23/07/2010 21:12

I was thinking of starting a business that would photoshop you and your family into someone else's wedding photographs and organise a cheap ceremony at the register office to keep it legal. I'd buy up the copyright in wedding photographs in an assortment of styles, perhaps from divorcing couples who need the money (because, almost invariably, the bigger and more expensive the wedding the nastier and more spiteful the divorce), and away I'd go. As the last few weddings I've been to seemed to be nothing but the mise en scene for the photographs and the video, it would provide the main takeaway items (a certificate and a large pile of brightly coloured photographs) without anything like as much effort or expense.

You could change your wedding photographs retrospectively, as your tastes changed. So if you decided ten years later that you wished the colours had been more muted and the page boys rather less Fotherington Thomas, we could re-process you into a beachfront resort in the Bahamas, or an Elvis tribute act, or whatever. You could even have several sets of different wedding photographs, the demure ones for your parents, the posh ones for your hubby's new boss, the small and homespun one for when your friend who works for worthy charities and disapproves of excess comes round for lentils.

Yes, I think this is the business...

ShesEverSoFamous · 23/07/2010 21:12

Salbysea - Good job my bridesmaids were flat chested then.

SirBoobAlot · 23/07/2010 21:13

@ MrsC

Ingles2 · 23/07/2010 21:18

That is a fantastic plan Tokyo...you will make a fortune!

CreepyFunbags · 23/07/2010 21:32

Your dsiltb might think it's a terribly unflattering colour for her. And I feel a bit sorry for her from what you've said. She might have awful self esteem issues.

So although I do really think it's up to you, I'd probably let her have something different to keep the peace myself.

Maybe a black dress with pink accessories?

But then again I am a terrible pushover!

SolidGoldBrass · 23/07/2010 21:34

I think you should reconsider having her as a bridesmaid, as by the sound of it you don't care for her and she doesn't care for you, and if you give in over the dress she will find something else to make a fuss about.

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