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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my Bridesmaids to wear what I've chosen and paid for!

194 replies

IveStillGotIt · 23/07/2010 17:17

DP and I are getting married next May, and I'm just starting to organize things, dresses, venue e.t.c.

My two sisters, two best friends and DP'S sister are going (or maybe that should be supposed) to be my bridesmaids, and I'm paying for their dresses and shoes e.t.c.

However, DP'S sister is refusing to wear the dress I've chosen. Instead she has said "I'll wear the bridesmaid dress I wore at X's wedding last year"!!! WTF, it's MY big day, I'M paying for the dresses, and I want all my bridesmaids to wear the same thing, or else it will just look daft in the photos. And if I was ever a bridesmaid, I would never dream of saying to the bride "I'm not wearing that, I'll wear this instead".

So, basically I've said to her that if she wants to be my bridesmaid, then she has to wear what I've chose and will be paying for, or if she wants to wear her own dress, then she can't be my bridesmaid.
DP agrees with me as does future MIL!!!
But, one of my friends has said it is abit mean of me, and I should just let her wear what she wants, which I do not want to do, as it will ruin my colour scheme and look daft?
What to ou all think? AIBU?

OP posts:

enzed · 24/07/2010 11:50

YANBU but did you ask her why she doesn't want to wear what you've chosen? Maybe she really doesn't suit the style of dress and is worried about looking daft.

Only asking, because I've been at weddings where the bridesmaids wore (sp?) the same colour, but different styles to suit them (and i could see that if you have bridesmaids with drastically different shapes, that might work better).

However at the end of the day, it's your wedding, so if she agrees to be your bridesmaid, she should suck it up and wear what you tell her too (whether you're paying for it or not).

gherkinwithapurplemerkin · 24/07/2010 11:50

is this it?

If so, YABVU!

runnybottom · 24/07/2010 11:54

Tone down the !!!!!! OP, makes you sound about 12. But then again so does your wedding.

TeamEdward · 24/07/2010 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gherkinwithapurplemerkin · 24/07/2010 12:00

Ah. See I am late to the party (reception?) GOML put the pic up days ago.

slushy · 24/07/2010 12:01

Actually everyone the ideas may not be our cup of tea but I think everyone is being very hurtful to take the piss like this, it is the op wedding and it is what she likes. I may hate what you would do with your wedding to but I would have the manners to keep it to myself.

WidowWadman · 24/07/2010 12:08

But she asked for an opinion, slushy.

slushy · 24/07/2010 12:13

Yes she asked for a opinion on whether a bridesmaid should wear the dress that was bought by the bride.

Not on whether her choice in colour schemes and wands was childish and boaktastic, or vile was another word used she didn't ask for that. I also don't see why it makes a difference.

Bottom line should a bridesmaid wear the colour only, not style, that a brides has asked for and offered to pay for. Your opinion on her dress choice should not matter she has offered the bridesmaid to choose the style is everyone saying they can not find a single pink dress they would be happy to wear.

Onestonetogo · 24/07/2010 12:23

YANBU!

EricNorthmansmistress · 24/07/2010 12:23

Slushy is right. Of course the BM should go along with the bride if the bride is paying. If she doesn't want to wear the dress she doesn't need to be a BM. I'd look absurd in hot pink with my hair so I'd be a bit if a friend wanted me to wear it, but I'd hope she saw sense herself, and if she didn't, I'd suck it up and look silly.

OTOH, my friend who i was BM for recently really wanted us to like the dresses, as she said 'what's the point in buying you each an expensive dress that you don't like and will never wear again'!

slushy · 24/07/2010 12:33

In the case of red head's I am sure you would pick a different colour but these bm are not red head as far as the op has said.

MadameCastafiore · 24/07/2010 12:42

The more I read this thread the more I think of 'My Great Big Gypsy Wedding'

Am picturing poor girl's being made to wear ludicrous vile big hot pink meringues whilst prancing around a bride in a 'BIG' (WTF) dress waving their sparkly wands whilst 5 year olds prance about dressed like show girls!

Are you sure you are not a 16 year old romany, not that there is anything wrong with 16 year olds or romanys but the TV programmes are aired for us all to laugh and gawp at not as a showcase of taste and decorum!

archstanton · 24/07/2010 12:45

Well now that the OP had clearly said the BMs can wear whatever style suits their tastes/figures as long as they are in the same pink material then I think her SIL is being even more unreasonable.

Basically, she can wear whatever style she wants as long as it's hot pink yet she's still making a fuss?

She is definitely being unreasonable and you just need to tell her it's pink or she stands down.

Original poster

IveStillGotIt · 24/07/2010 12:46

Thank you slushy , don't worry, the piss taking doesn't hurt me, every-one's entitled to their opinions, and I do realise that my ideas are not every-one's cup of tea.
My family's reactions to some of my ideas, and every-one from both sides reactions to the white suits I wanted DP, DS and the best man to wear, were not so subtle!

And no, none of them are red-heads! Two blonde's and three brunettes, DP'S sister is a brunette.

OP posts:

omnishambles · 24/07/2010 12:56

I would let your SIl wear what she wants and she'll be the one looking a bit daft and out of place and everyone will know why so...

NicknameInUse · 24/07/2010 13:02

I think she's being a brat and you should just tell her where to go! You've been fair with her, letting her choose a style that suites and of course it'll looked stupid if there's 4 in pink and 1 in grey or whatever she wants! Sack her!

Though I do hate the bridezilla "it's MY big day" attitude - it's the groom's too! Not to mention the fact that all of your geusts are taking the time out of their lives to be there for you, it's their bloody day too! You should be out to make it a great day for everyone, not just you. I also think the scheme should be a decision between the bride & groom, not just the bride....

Kaloki · 24/07/2010 13:02

YANBU, she's being given leeway to chose a style and you are paying for it. I'm sure the colour wont kill her.

pranma · 24/07/2010 13:03

Ask her to do a reading and offer to buy her a new dress.It will look very odd to have one bridesmaid in black and white and rest in hot pink!

LIZS · 24/07/2010 13:06

yanbu - if she wasn't making an issue over the colour it would probably be something else. It isn't as if you are dictating style too. Let her opt out of the whole deal before she finds other things to create about. Are you buying the material and havign them made , otherwise you may find you get variants of the "same" shade.

Original poster

IveStillGotIt · 24/07/2010 13:06

MadameCastafiore- No, I'm not a 16yo Romany, I'm 28 (will be 29 when I get married.)

I have to admit, some of the things on that program were abit OTT, even for me!
I thought the way some of the really young girls were dressed and caked in make up was abit much, and the way some of the guests were dressed was awful. But I did like the fairytale aspect of it, and although my dress is big, it wont be quite as big as those in the program.
My dress will be about the same size as Katie Price/Reids(?), and I would love my bridesmaids dresses to be like the blue ones her bridesmaids had on, but in hot pink, however, as I'm doing it on a budget, the dresses will be quite plain in comparison, about from the colour.

OP posts:

shimmerysilverglitter · 24/07/2010 13:13

No YANBU.

It is your wedding and as far as I aware she will be able to choose her bridesmaids dresses when she gets married won't she? If it was me I might laugh up my sleeve and have a moan about it but I would just suck it up because, well, it is not MY wedding!

And this is from someone that has hardly any time at all for other peoples weddings.

Nasty post MadameCastafiore

emptyshell · 24/07/2010 15:15

I always thought the deal was - if you're buying - you pick, if they're paying - you guide but try to get something they can wear again.

Having said that, if someone tried to make me wear hot pink you wouldn't see me for dust - it's a very very divisive colour where wearing it is concerned and I can understand why she might be reluctant (but what do I know - I got married in purple).

Have you thought about other options like black but with a dash of hot pink as accents, or a corsage? Or shades of pink, or more of a faded rose type colour?

You can either go all bridezilla and try to lay down the law, or you can get all the BMs together (add alcohol as optional) and give them a selection of possiblities that would go with your theme and get their input... gently guided to what you both agree on. I think I get the kind of theme you're trying to work on and if you're not careful it might end up being a bit too pink merianguetacular - or it could look stunningly classy and understated depending on how you pull it off. The big hot pink dresses do sound a little bit Strictly though.

LadyBiscuit · 24/07/2010 17:35

I have to say OP that I think you're lovely - you've taken a fair amount of piss-taking on this thread with extremely good grace. I hope you have a lovely wedding

GrendelsMum · 24/07/2010 18:03

I'm guessing that all your BMs are also in their late 20s / early 30s?

TBH, I think there's an at which you age at which you start to look like an idiot in a traditional bridesmaid's dress. I have now looked like an idiot 3 times for various friends and relatives.

I do sympathise somewhat with her, because she probably will look a fool in a bright pink dress suitable for being a bridesmaid, no matter how well cut, but that's what you do for people you love. I suppose that her problem is that she doesn't know you that well, doesn't have the motivation to look like a fool to make you happy, and so she's moaning, when all the rest think you're daft but they love you.

fizzpops · 24/07/2010 18:43

YANBU - if she wants to be a bridesmaid then she should wear your choice.

You should be prepared for the fact that she may choose not to be a bridesmaid. I was a VERY reluctant bridesmaid twice and would have given my eye teeth for an ultimatum like this to enable me to get out of being a bridesmaid at all.

Does any adult actually want to be a bridesmaid as opposed to not minding too much or feeling as if they will go along with it for the bride's sake?

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