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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my Bridesmaids to wear what I've chosen and paid for!

194 replies

IveStillGotIt · 23/07/2010 17:17

DP and I are getting married next May, and I'm just starting to organize things, dresses, venue e.t.c.

My two sisters, two best friends and DP'S sister are going (or maybe that should be supposed) to be my bridesmaids, and I'm paying for their dresses and shoes e.t.c.

However, DP'S sister is refusing to wear the dress I've chosen. Instead she has said "I'll wear the bridesmaid dress I wore at X's wedding last year"!!! WTF, it's MY big day, I'M paying for the dresses, and I want all my bridesmaids to wear the same thing, or else it will just look daft in the photos. And if I was ever a bridesmaid, I would never dream of saying to the bride "I'm not wearing that, I'll wear this instead".

So, basically I've said to her that if she wants to be my bridesmaid, then she has to wear what I've chose and will be paying for, or if she wants to wear her own dress, then she can't be my bridesmaid.
DP agrees with me as does future MIL!!!
But, one of my friends has said it is abit mean of me, and I should just let her wear what she wants, which I do not want to do, as it will ruin my colour scheme and look daft?
What to ou all think? AIBU?

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 23/07/2010 17:45

How old is she?

YANBU, by the way. My aunt has six bridesmaids; there was one colour and three (slightly) different styles. We walked down in pairs and it worked very well.

Tell her she can wear what she wants... As a guest.

ThatVikRinA22 · 23/07/2010 17:45

i had to wear a shit dress and pay for the privilege. i hated it. but its the brides day and if you agree to be bridesmaid you should wear whatever the bride wants within reason.

i would just never say yes to doing it again!

PuppyMonkey · 23/07/2010 17:45

Well I don't know about anyone else but I definitely need to see the bridesmaid dress before passing comment. Link please...

potplant · 23/07/2010 17:46

Has she only been a BM once before? Perhaps she got to choose the dress last time so thinks she will again?
(though I do find it hard to believe that a grown woman doesn't know that she doesn't get to choose)

Can't you compromise and let her change into her other outfit at the evening reception? Let her wear what she likes but don't include her in the photos?

EvilTwins · 23/07/2010 17:46

I did what SE13Mummy did - chose the colour and fabric (with my bridesmaids - I knew what I wanted, though. Mind you, one of them has red hair, so it had to be a colour which suited her) and then they both had their dresses made separately. Both had skirts and tops rather than a dress, with similar(ish) skirts but totally different tops. Then I used the same fabric for a sash for my flower girl

OP - do you think DP's sis will go for the colour if she's allowed to choose the style? I think same fabric but different styles works really well, especially with so many bridesmaids.

EricNorthmansmistress · 23/07/2010 17:48

YANBU
although hot pink and big does sound a bit weird I'm sure they will look great............

SugarMousePink · 23/07/2010 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cat64 · 23/07/2010 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lazylula · 23/07/2010 17:50

I took my bm with me to choose their dresses, they were all aged under 12 and I made it clear that I wanted their input but at the end of the day I had the final say. Luckily for me the 2 eldest bridesmaids chose a lovely dress and the only thing that one didn't agree on was the colour, as she liked the silver lilac and wanted the a brighter lilac. She accepted it though. I do think it becomes harder when dealing with adult bm but I do think that if you are paying for it then sil should accept your choice and decide if she wishes to be your bridesmaid or not.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 23/07/2010 17:51

SE13Mummy and EvilTwins are speaking most wisely. If you haven't chosen the dresses yet, you do have some room for negotiation - either same fabric but different styles, or possibly same style and fabric, but different colours for the bridesmaids (different shades of pink, perhaps).

But it is your day, not hers, and if she digs her heels in and insists she's going to wear this other dress, then sacking her as a bridesmaid may be your best option.

wubblybubbly · 23/07/2010 17:51

Hmm, I been bridesmaid 3 times. Twice I wore what I was 'told' to wear, but then again I was a child.

As an adult, we shopped together and picked and all had input into what we wore, hardly seems unreasonable when you're talking about grown women.

If you really wouldn't take my feelings into account at all then I'm afraid I'd tell you to stick it, sorry

MaamRuby · 23/07/2010 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNextMrsDepp · 23/07/2010 17:55

YANBU! How rude of her!

Original poster
IveStillGotIt · 23/07/2010 17:56

It's nothing to do with the style, it's just the colour she has a problem with.
Style wise, I'm looking for something simple, but dressy looking at the same time.
Like a plain prom style dress, which would suit every-one's shape, as the bridesmaids are size 8, 10, 12/14 ,14/16, DP'S sis is a 14, and the dress she wants to wear is more revealing than the style I'm thinking of. As my sisters are both flat chested (love to know where my boobs came from!!!) they are abit conscious of the style and I'm taking this into consideration when choosing a style, my mates are 'average' in chest, waist, hip ratio, so will suit most styles, and everyone wants straps, as do I on my dress!
It's just the colour thats causing the problems!

OP posts:
lucky1979 · 23/07/2010 17:56

You're not going to tell us something like she's a freckly bright redhead who would look dreadful in hot pink, or terribly overweight and would look like a massive blamange in a big dress of any colour are you?

Find out what her problem is. It may just be that she's a pain in the neck, in which case best to know now or she will be a constant thorn in your side.

I jumped through hoops to find a dress that my chief bridesmaid would agree to, she tried it on and looked amazing. Then my other bridesmaid tried it on, chief bridesmaid threw a tantrum because other bridesmaid was a size 6 (although that bridesmaid is 4'11 so not just a beanpole) and chief bridesmaid was a size 12 (but 5'7 so just gorgeously curvy) and she thought other bridesmaid looked better in it than she did and so would upstage her. I did my best to appease her, and she continued to throw tantrums about everything from the night I wanted to have my hen night, to other people I'd invited that she didn't like, to me asking her not to bring a friend of hers I didn't like as a plus one (she was single). I lost my temper and fired her two weeks before the wedding and it was the best thing I did as all the planning stress suddenly disappeared! I only wish I'd done it sooner.

FakePlasticTrees · 23/07/2010 17:56

YANBU - just tell her wearing the bridesmaid dress is part of being a bridesmaid, no negotiation. She can decide if she wants to be a bridesmaid, she has a week to tell you one way or the other and you won't take offence if she decides she just wants to be a normal guest.

LadyBiscuit · 23/07/2010 17:57

Why would you make people wear something vile to fit a colour scheme ffs?? Jesus - don't you like these people? And why so many brides think it's an honour to be an unpaid slave for the day I don't know

YABU to make grown women act as props

archstanton · 23/07/2010 17:57

Is she young and single and worried it will make her look very unattractive being hot pink and big and all?

I disagree with the consultation thing here because I don't think it will be of much use. Most grown women would choose the sleek, simplistic, flattering dress. So if the OP wants big, frilly and pink then shopping together will not help.

YANBU though as it's your day and it's their job to support you in whatever you want.

lucky1979 · 23/07/2010 18:00

If it's important to you (or your DP) that she is a bridesmaid then, if it's just the colour, maybe you could graduate the colours of your bridesmaids so they go from paler pink to hot pink? Then you could plonk her wherever in the spectrum she feels comfortable.

GetOrfMoiLand · 23/07/2010 18:00

Lol at hot pink and big.

You are making her wear this aren't you.

FakePlasticTrees · 23/07/2010 18:01

actually, just read it's just the colour she's got an issue with. Now, I let my bridesmaid pick her own dress, but i picked the colour, that's kind of normal.

getabloodygrip · 23/07/2010 18:03

Sounds grim, big and hot pink, and not just one but five of the damned things, and all those balloons..... bleurgh.

I wouldn't want to wear it either, and would gladly resign as a bridesmaid.

However, it's your day, and you're paying, so I suppose YANBU, but just have a little think on what those photos are ACTUALLY going to look like...... BIG PINK dresses, BIG BRIGHT PINK BALLOONS.... yikes. Classy.

woahwoah · 23/07/2010 18:04

I had to wear a hideous dress when I was my sister's BM. It made me look pregnant! (I wasn't). But I wore it and did my best to smile, because it was her wedding.

The best bridesmaid's dresses I have seen were at a wedding where the BMs all wore dresses in different styles, but made from the same material. They all looked gorgeous, though they varied from small children, through skinny beanpoles, to Rubenesque!

getabloodygrip · 23/07/2010 18:04

GOML that is EXACTLY WHAT I PICTURED!!!!!!!!! Ha ha ha. Utterly gross!!!! Must be it!

MrsBadger · 23/07/2010 18:04

I think it's this one