To expect my Bridesmaids to wear what I've chosen and paid for!

[IveStillGotIt]

DP and I are getting married next May, and I'm just starting to organize things, dresses, venue e.t.c.

My two sisters, two best friends and DP'S sister are going (or maybe that should be supposed) to be my bridesmaids, and I'm paying for their dresses and shoes e.t.c.

However, DP'S sister is refusing to wear the dress I've chosen. Instead she has said "I'll wear the bridesmaid dress I wore at X's wedding last year"!!! WTF, it's MY big day, I'M paying for the dresses, and I want all my bridesmaids to wear the same thing, or else it will just look daft in the photos. And if I was ever a bridesmaid, I would never dream of saying to the bride "I'm not wearing that, I'll wear this instead".

So, basically I've said to her that if she wants to be my bridesmaid, then she has to wear what I've chose and will be paying for, or if she wants to wear her own dress, then she can't be my bridesmaid.
DP agrees with me as does future MIL!!!
But, one of my friends has said it is abit mean of me, and I should just let her wear what she wants, which I do not want to do, as it will ruin my colour scheme and look daft?
What to ou all think? AIBU?

P.S. I loved those unmatching dresses Mrsbadger (i think) linked to!

tokyo that's genius

tokyo you have beem pipped

my Sri Lankan colleague's wedding pics including one of them photoshopped in front of the Taj Mahal

it was awesomely tacky

YA so not being U, your special day your choice. Being asked to be bridesmaid is an honour, not a right, this is just taking the P. You did the right thing, what a cheeky moo. I would be so happy to be bridesmaid that I would not mind wearing whatever the bride suggested, so as long it was not nekkid or I looked like a hooker.

Will apologise for sound of high fiving. DH and I had been increasingly convinced that the bride had been influenced by the gypsy wedding programme on tv and got excited when it was confirmed

Seriously though the BMs are supposed to be people who mean something to you so why would you make them wear something they didn't like? (but to be prepared for them to return the favour at their weddings). I showed my BMs (2 adult, 1 child) my dress and left them to come to an agreement about what dress they were going to wear and what colour. I bought the dresses (which were identical) and they bought the shoes (all different styles.

As Tokyo says in her brilliant plan it seems to be a rule of thumb that bridezilla+preoccupation with the theme etc+huge expenditure relative to income = short marriage and laid back+it's only one day, let's get on with being married+not bankrupting yourself = his n hers zimmer frames at the end of a long marriage

A few years ago a colleague of mine sacked her bridemaid for refusing to wear the dress she wanted. I went to the wedding and saw the dresses (coincidence but were also hot pink!) and they suited her three very skinny bridesmaids. A little while later I met the girl she sacked and could completely see why she refused!

When I got married I gave my bridesmaids a general idea of what I wanted then let them take the lead. With one I kept having to "steer" her a little but they both got something that suited them that I liked too.

I'm going to be a maid myself soon and the bride is being very relaxed about what we wear, because she wants us to feel comfortable.

YANBU to not want her to wear an old BM dress, that is just ridiculous. BUT if she is going to look stupid in big and hot pink then you need to compromise I think. It is your day of course but you have your bridesmaids there because they are special to you, so making them feel uncomfortable is not fair.

Tradition dictates that it's your day and you decide on the colour scheme. Any chance you'll go on "Four Weddings"? 'Twould be good!

When DD was married, she and her 3 bridesmaids spent several days going through magazines and trawling the bridal shops.

They had a great time. Stopped for an expensive lunch and then continued on.

It helped that all 4 girls are young, georgeous and fun loving. (unbiased mother's opinion here).

They found the perfect dress, all 4 agreed on the style and colour and the dresses were made by the dressmaker attached to the bidal shop and all fitted perfectly.

A great time was had by all.

They also spent a lot of time sending me stupid photos on my phone.

That should be bridal shop.

I love this thread, reminds me of the gypsy wedding programme.

If you want bms in pink then fair enough. Unless she is a redhair who would look shocking, agreeing to be a bm means agreeing to wear an outfit that is chosen for you.

It is not acceptable for a bm to decide to wear an alternative colour to what the bride chose.

Letting them have input on styles is nice as then they get a shape/style that suits their figure so won't be self concious.

I would explain that the colour is non negotiable however you'd love all of their help in choosing a style of dress and accessories.

I only had little bms when I got married, explained to my friends that I didn't want adult bmaids.

Can I just ask, why is it ok for Brides to choose to exclude children ( including BM's children ) as discussed in numerous threads on here, on the basis of 'Bride's day: Bride's choice' and yet not considered ok for her to decide what colour and style of bridesmaid dresses she wants her BMs to wear?

If the BM really objects, then she doesn't have to be a BM.

As an aside, I saw some wedding photos recently which included a BM who was a stunning redhead and she was wearing a hot pink dress. She looked absolutely stunningly beautiful.

I don't think that's okay either sihii. I'm of the view that your wedding should be a joy for your guests as much as you rather than making life difficult for them but I believe that's rather an old fashioned viewpoint

The dresses do sound slightly vile, sorry! It's your day though and they love you so YANBU.

Your SIL-to-be is REALLY RUDE to want to recycle a previous bridesmaid's dress. Your day, your colour scheme, your money, your choice!

Bet they are lovely dresses really, I'm quite in favour of ditching the same old pastels

PS is it a body size/ body image crisis on your bridesmaid's part, or just that she doesn't share your taste in hot pink?

I had one BM (my sister) and said "wear what you like". So much easier!!!

That Big Fat Gypsy Wedding programme was hilarious, wasn't it? The sight of the entire bride's family ramming the bride's huge crinolined backside into that Jordan Princess carriage.....never laughed so much.

General comment: If you're paying for it, it's your choice. It all sounds great and considerate asking for the bridesmaid's input, but if they all have different tastes it could be tricky. You cna't please everyone and the buck stops with you, it's your call!

(So when the snaps look HILARIOUS in twenty years' time everyone knows whom to blame!)

Good luck with the wands.

Thanks everyone for your replies.
I am allowing them to pick their own styles, I want prom style dresses, however they can have different variants to suit their own comfort/body shape, as long as they do look similar.
It's just the colour I'm not willing to change my mind about. I've always had my heart set on pink dresses, I love the colour pink, it's my favourite, and my sisters and friends know what I'm like! I think they would have been shocked if I had picked another colour!!!
It's just DP'S sister that's being awkward about the colour, she doesn't like pink or anything 'girly'. When I said pink, and she said no and suggested that other dress she wore before, and I said no to that one, she suggested other colours, and they were all boring, and not 'me', but she's refusing to consider anything 'girly' coloured.
To be honest, we've never saw eye to eye, and when DP and I split up a few years ago (we're back together now obviously!!!) she made no secret of the fact she doesn't like me, and when we got back together, she would try and start arguments at family gatherings, however MIL to be could see right through her, so could DP (eventually!!!), but like I've said before, I would like her to be my bridesmaid as she's someone from DP'S side of the family, and they are really close, and MIL is paying for the meal part of the day, but I think I might just have to say no, if she continues to be awkward.
I don't think I'm being totally unreasonable, as I've backed down on the sparkly wands, as only one bridesmaid (the least likely one!) liked that idea, had they all said NO to hot pink dresses, then I would go with the majority and choose a different colour.

I do think in the US, where bridesmaids are expected to pay for their own dress shoes etc, it is reasonable for them to have some more input. Especially when Bridezilla wants something round about the five hundred dollar mark (and the wand is another hundred!)

I don't think you need to let them pick their own styles.

What about if you do something like this I hate pink but I would be happy to wear this sort of thing and I think it would look much more princess you could also have your ushers wearing light pink tie and groom hot pink and have balloons every other it would break up the colour a bit.

OP, from what you are saying about DP's sister I'm wondering why you ever invited her to be a BM. Aren't the BM's supposed to be your "support" for the wedding day, people you care about and who care about you?

It sounds as though you asked her as a courtesy (as she's DP's sister), and she has thrown that courtesy back in your face. Tell her to wear her own dress and sit in the congregation - you don't need BMs like that.

I wore a slightly bilious pale sea green for DB and SIL's wedding, greater love hath no pale skinned mousy brown haired woman for her new SIL...

Photoshopping great idea.

Don't understand why many have decided dresses will be "vile" when they haven't even had a style decided yet. Not my choice shicking pink but it can look lovely.

Backed down on the wands? Hardly the worlds biggest concession given it sounds like a loopy idea IMO. Just agree with her that she standsdown as this is never going to work.

sayithowitis- I'm allowing children at our wedding, the ceromony and the meal is only immediate family and my best friends, but the reception is a free for all!!! There will be a couple of young children (my best friends babys) but as long as their dads take them out of the room during the ceromony, if they start making a noise, then I dont mind them being a part of our day.

ceremony