To argue with his family's Etonian tradition?

[wisteria12]

My DH has never been uptight or proper; that's why I married him. We never really discussed education properly before our two DSs were born - I suppose I was afraid that this would happen, and it has. DH and I will never come close to being able to afford any private education personally, and he knows I'm totally against it. Despite this, his parents (who are uptight and proper) keep dropping hints about them "financing" our son's education.

He personally doesn't seem in raptures about the idea, but I know that he feels very pressured to conform; he, his father, his grandfather, his great-grandfather and so on have always automatically gone to Eton. His family are direct descendants of Charles II and the royal houses of Europe, and then there's me, about as far away from that lifestyle as possible. I have a feeling that his parents will never speak to us again if we don't appease them, and I don't want to cause fractures in the family, or make things tense for our children.

However, I, and to an extent, my DH, have very different views and ways, and I can't help feeling that I will never be able to live with myself if I let his parents commandeer the most vital and formative years of our son's lives. Not only do I not agree with private education in concept or practice, having had plenty of experience of the people in produces, I don't want to send my two boys away from us and from their sister in an impenetrable bubble over a hundred miles away.

I really don't know what to do, the registration deadline for our eldest is approaching, tensions are high and nothing seems to be resolved. So I ask you this; am I being unreasonable?

Couldn't there be a happy medium - eg let them pay for them to go to a local non-boarding private school that you select and are happy with? (many people would be overjoyed with this!)

No, you are NBU. They are trying to offer your dcs something (they see as) valuable: an Eton education. You want to offer them something equally valuable: growing up with their parents. In the end, it is your opinion, as parents, that counts. Be grateful but firm. What you have to offer is invaluable.

but it's ultimately your children, your choiceof course!

I'd go with Preghead's suggestion. DS's friend was offered a scholarship to Eton, but his parents turned it down in the end as the negatives outweigh the positives.

What age are they? Do they have to start at a particular age, or can they go later?

I would offer a compromise, a nice day private school near you (I went to one and I wasn't in any form of bubble). Despite my schooling I wouldn't consider sending our children to boarding school unless it was genuinely in their interests, i.e.: we had to move a lot for work etc. There is nothing wrong with boarding, it just wouldn't be for us.

God yes I'd send mine to an expensive and prestigious public school if it was offered. i really would!

What does your DH think? you say he knows you're totally against it, but is he, having direct experience of Eton?

I think you have a lot of talking to do with your DH. Surely it's something you need to decide as a couple and then he can tell his parents, rather than you being the lone voice/bad guy.

I don't particularly agree with private education myself, but seeing how many old Etonians end up running the country, there are worse places to get educated. I really don't mean that flippantly, the head start in terms of both education and making contacts that going to Eton would give your boys is massive. The going away from home young would concern me however.

Oh me too, just ideally not boarding!

Well your DH went there and you presumably like him.

Personally I'd put eldest's name down and see how you feel nearer the time and also how you're son feels most importantly.

But yes what about other private options - nice day school perhaps?

He would make connections that would set him up for life.

I would send my children to a prestigious public school if it was offered, but NOT a boarding school, and definitely NOT in their formative years.

YANBU. These are your children to raise and nurture as you wish. They can't ride roughshod over your wishes, no matter what their feelings on the matter.

What does your son think?

You can't go to Eton as a day pupil iirc.

I think the benefits of having a fantastic education would be outweighed by the benefits of having your children there every day, and not have them come home in the holidays completely different from when they went (I am sure this would happen).

Agree the compromise with sending them to a local private school, but can't imagine that the in laws would agree to this at all - what with the tradition and all.

i would personally say no, but I imagine there would be a lot of fall out in the family because of this.

Not a nice decision to make, OP, you have my sympathies.

These are your children and YOU and your DH should make the decisions for them. If you do not feel that it is best for them to be sent away to school then do not send them. A sense of duty, tradition or emotional pressure should not persuade you to do anything that you do not feel comfortable with. Thank your in laws, but explain what you wish to do.

I went to boarding school at a young age, which was ok, but I knew that there was no choice, because of my parents' job situation. I don't think I'd have been very happy if I knew they'd just sent me away for the hell of it.
But for a teenager it can work quite well, depending on all the circs.

YANBU to feel you don't want to be bullied in to this decision but think very carefully why you are saying no. Friends of mine were totally against private education until their child became secondary school age. "You forpet your principles when it is your child."

Some of DS's friends are going to Eton in Sept. One of the last schools to have closed boarding i.e come home once every 3 weeks or so and of course the very long holidays. You can go and see him every weekend I believe but not the same methinks. However some people believe it COULD give him an address book when he leaves that could set him up for life...

Also, these schools are not only for the rich and titled. There are many many boys who are given help with the school fees and one of DS's friends has won a full scholarship to Eton, no fees, paid uniform etc.

What about a day school, there are some fab ones around, or alternatively what about weekly boarding? Schools such as Wellington and Charterhouse offer this and it is a very popular option. of course you know your son best of all - he might not want to board. Older son is fine with it, younger son I am not sure about...

Wow, direct desendants of Charles II what an interesting background and I am very jealous of the grandparents offering to pay - if only!!

I couldn't do a boarding school, would miss them too much.

But if someone was offering to pay for an expensive private day school, hell yes I would take it.

Is there a school near you that could be a happy compromise?

Totally up to you and DH, your kids, your decisions.

As a parent whose eldest goes to boarding school, I would still say insist on a local private day school as your compromise.

I am really sorry to be contrary, but really what the hell have your in-laws got to do with the way you educate your sons??

It is really up to you and your DH what you decide to do for the best for your dons and you can respect and consider their wishes, but it is really up to you.

What will happen if somehow they can't provide the funding for all your sons education?

AllarmBells - He isn't totally against private education as a whole, but he doesn't want them going to Eton, because he hated it and now has a pretty warped relationship with his parents and siblings (he was the only boy, so he barely knew his older sisters).

preghead/MrsC2010 - Trust me, I've already tried to put that one out there. Their response was along the lines of "Why bother when you can go to Eton?" Basically, to them, it's Eton or nothing.

BettyisNOTBlu - I asked him if he wanted to go to a good school; he said yes. I asked him if he wanted to live away from mummy, daddy and his brother and sister, and he cried and asked me if I didn't like him anymore. I knew then I couldn't do it.

YADNBU.

I wouldn't be happy with my child boarding.

My dp's family also has a tradition of going to Eton.
Dp was sent away to boarding school at a very young age and hated it. He was never really happy there.

For some time he denied that he was unhappy,in spite of running away a number of times and drinking noxious substances to make himself ill as he thought they'd have to send him back home if he made himself very ill.
He felt he was being disloyal to his parents by admitting he wasn't happy in boarding school and he's still dealing with some of the issues that resulted by being sent away.

I realise that some children enjoy it but personally I don't think it's a healthy or natural enviroment to raise children in.

I'd be happy to send my hypothetical children to private school but never boarding school,no matter how important the tradition is to my dp's family.

I should say not healthy or natural for the majority of children as I know some thrive there.

the fact that your dh hated it and your ds doesn't want to suggests to me that it is not a good idea.
Good luck with telling the in-laws

btw if they think it's Eton or nothing they are being completely ridiculous. I know where I would send mine if I was rich and it isn't there....