To argue with his family's Etonian tradition?

[wisteria12]

My DH has never been uptight or proper; that's why I married him. We never really discussed education properly before our two DSs were born - I suppose I was afraid that this would happen, and it has. DH and I will never come close to being able to afford any private education personally, and he knows I'm totally against it. Despite this, his parents (who are uptight and proper) keep dropping hints about them "financing" our son's education.

He personally doesn't seem in raptures about the idea, but I know that he feels very pressured to conform; he, his father, his grandfather, his great-grandfather and so on have always automatically gone to Eton. His family are direct descendants of Charles II and the royal houses of Europe, and then there's me, about as far away from that lifestyle as possible. I have a feeling that his parents will never speak to us again if we don't appease them, and I don't want to cause fractures in the family, or make things tense for our children.

However, I, and to an extent, my DH, have very different views and ways, and I can't help feeling that I will never be able to live with myself if I let his parents commandeer the most vital and formative years of our son's lives. Not only do I not agree with private education in concept or practice, having had plenty of experience of the people in produces, I don't want to send my two boys away from us and from their sister in an impenetrable bubble over a hundred miles away.

I really don't know what to do, the registration deadline for our eldest is approaching, tensions are high and nothing seems to be resolved. So I ask you this; am I being unreasonable?

The problem is, there are so many unknowns here: can the ds even get in, will he want to go, if he goes reluctantly will it pan out (or will he end up like my friend) etc. All this means that I would be very reluctant to put arrangements in the hands of people who are as inflexible as the OPs ILs seem to be.

What happens if you refuse? You get disinherited?

Eton is getting quite academic. They pick you, not the other way around. It is not a question of just being able to afford the fees. I agree with YetAnotherIssue, the Old Boys son scenario is not working nowadays and also along with lots of other posters - boarding is not what it was 20 years ago...

I know he may well fail if he takes the test; many boys are coached and they play six instruments. My son likes dressing up and watching Horrible Histories. Even if he passes, he's so unlike what they're looking for I doubt he'd get a place. The thing is, if I go along with it, knowing he's unlikely to get in, the ILs would just use his "weakness" as more ammo to prove what terrible parents we are and how our children are going to be misfits. And, yes, they'll probably cut us off from their will, damaging my DH even more.

What about your daughter? Obviously she can't go to Eton but one child at state comprehensive and the other 2 at Eton would be a divide to great for me.

too great

Your PIL's are idiots. I know, only aquaintances, some very famous OE's whose son's have failed to get in in the last 2 years. They will go onto other prestigious schools and do well. What is your nearest prestigious school that as boarding - maybe you could argue the co-ed point? At the end of the day sending a kid to a private day school is not a bad thing. I didn't believe in private education but I'm glad I gave up my principals because I ave been proved wrong!

completely agree re: entry requirements. I think it's the top 2% of CE results, and even then they are turning people away.

I think it was a bit much to describe it to your ds as "living away form family" for "weeks and weeks" at a time, too. It's not as if he goes at the start of term, and then comes back again on the last day.

dss was at a full boarding school, with "only" 2 exeats a term, saturday school, etc, etc.

apart from his first term there (where they like the boys to stay in, to get accustomed to the lifestyle) it seemed he was home every other week or so (and sometimes every week)

schools are always happy to grant variations for family events, etc, dss got extra weekends as his parents are divorced too, so that he could see each of them every term for more than a couple of weekends.

Sorry, is not boarding I meant to say!

i am afraid that i think your inlaws sound quite horrible!
i am all for a good education but not at the expense of a childs emotional well-being - you have seen your sons reaction and in your position i would be telling them to mind their own business

so, you get cut out of the will, so what!, it also sounds like your dh needs to grow a pair, make his own money, make his own decisions about his family and just generally become a man!

sorry if that sounds harsh!

Is thegreater issue here not the controlling PILs?
Can they really hold sway over your lives like this with bluster and threat and bullying? Casting aspersions on your parenting. So what if they are descended from Charles II. Doesn't excuse this kind of behaviour and lack of respect for their son.

I think DH maybe needs some counselling. Or to get teh TOxic Parents book by Susan Forward.

Also talk to the half-brother who got sidelined and see how he is faring.

Is it better to have these people in or out of your lives? If they are willing to cut off their own flesh and blood over this, maybe you are better off without them?

oh, and completely agree with the toxic parents side of things too.

I too have aristocratic inlaws, and they do tend to make life a misery, to put it mildly.

I shamefully didn't play the game, and have produced disabled children, so I doubt we would be in line for school fee offers anyway

but luckily dh had the good sense to have children with his first wife too, and so they have their "golden" children! (actually, whole family feel this way, other than dh of course!)

it is so draining.

but I agree that at soem point your dh is going to have to stand up to them.

jesuswhatnext - No, that's fair, I've been saying the same thing to him. I think he's getting there but he still has quite a few boundaries to get over before he can really stand up to them. I know he wants to more than anything, though. And we don't care about money; he's a painter, I'm a writer, we're used to living on a pittance.

Katisha - I think you're right, but it's easier for me to say than for him to do. It took him a long time to come to terms with his family as it is, to write them off now would be very difficult for him. There's a lot of unresolved issues there.

so can i just check - you are totally against any boarding school, your DH is against Eton and your son doesnt want to board at all?

i cant really see what the problem is.

however if you have any doubt that this MIGHT be a good thing for your son, then why dont you all visit the school and then decide if he wants to apply?

then your inlaws will see that you have at least considered it seriously

Please dont let your son sit the entrance exam unless he is really keen and wants to go . i assume he also would need some tutoring?

i agree with the other posters who ask what education you are considering for your DD?

And i wonder why, given your family history, it has taken 13 years for you and your DH to address this?

Have you asked GP if they would be willing to pay teh fees for another school of your choice?

Trust me, I would love to run off into the sunset and never see them again, but it would be unfair of me to rush him.

The book recoemmended by many on here.

Could be a start?

I have to say I am amazed you are tolerating this degree of interference, manipulation and bullying from his parents.
Your DH is so traumatised by his experiences that he can't even visit Windsor. And you are allowing yourselves to let them believe that you might do this to your own children?
You simply can't allow the GPs to appropriate your children in this way. If they care so little about your feelings, and that of their son, I'm afraid you are on a hiding to nothing trying to appease them. The sooner you stand up to them, the better. Your DH cannot truly live his life if he is still scared of his parents.

Ultimately, what it comes down to is, are you and DH willing to sacrifice your DS (by sending him to a school he doesn't want to go to and may well hate) in order to appease your DH's parents?

You seem pretty clear that the answer is no. Time to work on your DH methinks. Try putting it as I've said it above and see what he says.

For what it's worth, everyone I know who went to Eton (quite a few as it happens) didn't enjoy it, has no friends from there, and wouldn't send their kids there. Sounds like your DH is the same. It is not necessarily a "great opportunity".

Agree with minipie. You can't sacrifice your son like this, you will regret it.

wisteria12 - how old is your son now and what kind of school is he at now?

Its just that typically a boy who is aiming for Eton will go to a boarding prep school first. A school like Sumer Fields School which is lovely but means boarding from 8. They really do prepare the boys for specific private secondary schools - it is not just a pot luck see how it goes thing nowadays. It is a targeted campaign.

Is this what your PILs are actually aiming for - having your DS boarding from 8 at a Prep school?

Practise what you're going to say and keep it very simple, eg, "He's not going to boarding school. He doesn't want to go to Eton. He's not sitting the CE."

If they really are the type of parents who will disinherit their child because of their grandchild's school choice, then you are better off with them out of your lives.

nearlytoolate - I agree, in some ways I think we've been too accommodating already. My DH is so scared about endangering his already fragile relationship with his parents that he thinks if he lets them have what they want everything will blow over.

minipie - I know plenty of OEs and all of them, in one way or another, are dysfunctional individuals.

BeenBeta - My son is 10, and he's at the local state primary. The reason he (thankfully) didn't go to a prep school was because the ILs were in a spot of financial bother with some of their investments when he started school, so they weren't in a position to pay for it. Pre-assessment begins at 11, so he has to register soon to be eligible.

staranise - I agree totally. They are awful.

Oh dear. I'm afraid your DH is going to have to realise that he doesn't have a relationship with his parents worthy of the name. He must feel very worthless if he thinks he has to keep the peace by sacrificing his son. I think he needs to get angry with them, and fast. Does he REALLY think it is tenable to go along with this? Or is he just in denial putting off the inevitable showdown? Sooner or later, he's going to have to decide where he stands.

Sounds like its crunch time though doesn't it.
The dodgy relationship can no longer coast.
DH has got to decide which way to swing. And he can't just hope this will go away, surely?

I know, I know. This is what he needs to accept. I think he's maybe a couple of weeks from cracking, but he needs to say it to their faces. I think this Eton thing might be the final straw.