To argue with his family's Etonian tradition?

[wisteria12]

My DH has never been uptight or proper; that's why I married him. We never really discussed education properly before our two DSs were born - I suppose I was afraid that this would happen, and it has. DH and I will never come close to being able to afford any private education personally, and he knows I'm totally against it. Despite this, his parents (who are uptight and proper) keep dropping hints about them "financing" our son's education.

He personally doesn't seem in raptures about the idea, but I know that he feels very pressured to conform; he, his father, his grandfather, his great-grandfather and so on have always automatically gone to Eton. His family are direct descendants of Charles II and the royal houses of Europe, and then there's me, about as far away from that lifestyle as possible. I have a feeling that his parents will never speak to us again if we don't appease them, and I don't want to cause fractures in the family, or make things tense for our children.

However, I, and to an extent, my DH, have very different views and ways, and I can't help feeling that I will never be able to live with myself if I let his parents commandeer the most vital and formative years of our son's lives. Not only do I not agree with private education in concept or practice, having had plenty of experience of the people in produces, I don't want to send my two boys away from us and from their sister in an impenetrable bubble over a hundred miles away.

I really don't know what to do, the registration deadline for our eldest is approaching, tensions are high and nothing seems to be resolved. So I ask you this; am I being unreasonable?

I think that when it comes to your dc's you should never go against something so big that makes you feel uncomfertable and/or moral beliefs you had.
To a certain extent I think that others experience of it is irrelevant, because it's how YOU feel about it that's important, letting gp's over rule you now will do you no favours in the future.

I think at the age of 10 your ds is old enough to know his own mind. I wouldn't register because that will just add to the pressure by your PILs 'you registered him so you must have intended to send him' discussion later on.

From what you say other than the financial impact your dh being disinherited by his parents won't really change anything as it sounds as if he has been disinherited emotionally already.

I know people who went to boarding school and hated it and 40 years later are still emotionally damaged from the experience. I wouldn't wish that for my dcs no matter what social advantage it is perceived to bring.

Sorry, just read the entire thread.

What a mare Wisteria.

No advice, I just hope that the situation is solved to your satisfaction.

I think you and your DP need to work out what you want first. Be it private or state education. Once you have the united front it will be easier for you to approach the in laws. Personally, I think the right private school could be a great opportunity if you both agree this is an option. At least from the GPs view its a compromise. I suppose this woudl also depend on your relationship with them.

How is your DS doing at school? Is he at top of class in state primary? Eton is v academic, as you have said he might not get a place anyway and this will be a non issue.

Its a great opportunity but if it were me, a lot would depend on how academic my child was and whether they would cope at that sort of school.

Why not ask you in laws what their plans are re the test?
Cos your local primary sure aint gonna prep him.
And then what about the CE?
And if he does get a place where is he going to go til he starts?
It doesn't sound to me like your in laws have given this enough or any thought.

Tell them that the time to start geeing up for schools like Eton has been and gone ( when they were having their 'financial difficulties') and suggest a decent day school that is somewhere you have a hope of getting in.

itsonlyajob; a thread specifically about Eton and you're surprised that the issue of private education comes up?

i married a boy who was sent to board weekly by his parents at the age of 7. Anyone who intended ds to board at 7 would prise him from my cold dead hands. What's your point?

In my immediate family I have had people who were sent to boarding school at 4 (during the war), 7, 10, 13 and to a variety of schools from Eton-ish establishments to very 'liberal' ones.

Absolutely over my dead body would my DS ever got to boarding school, absolutely no way.

I went to a very good private day school and would swallow my scruples about private education if I were in your position. But boarding, honestly, the emotional damage it does takes generations to heal imo.

Hi Wisteria

I'm sorry that I haven't read the whole thread but I sympathise with your situation. DH's family is an Eton family too. We have not been put under pressure to send children there (only have a daughter at the moment, so it's not really an issue) but I know that it would be questioned if we did not at least consider sending a son there.

As you say, Eton seems very far away from your life at the moment. It may be worth visiting the school- you may be pleasently surprised. I am no expert (it's pretty far away from my life too!!) but DH describes it as being a caring, tolerant and diverse school.

However, I would say that, at the end of the day, it's a decision that your boys and you have to make. Eton was totally right for DH and one of his two brothers- but it's not for everyone. So I'd suggest you offer the opportunity if you feel comfortable to do so, otherwise look at other options that are better for your son.

YANBU in fighting against tradition if it's really not right for your son, but if you are all thinking about your son's best interests it (hopefully) shouldn't turn into a massive dingdong!

Good luck!

Litchick - good point.

What is DS going to do between 11 and 13?

wisteria12 - going to a state school is not going to prepare him for CE at all. They just dont do it. Hence my earlier question, surely a Prep school has been factored in at some stage? However, that would mean leaving primary school, going to a Prep for 2 years then Eton. That would be very disruptive.

It would be far better to just send im to a good seconday school at 11 and be done with it. Surely your PILs would see how disruptive it would be to have DS go to 3 different schools in the space of 4 years?

Oh dear its crunch time is it not. I feel for your DH as even though they are a pain they are his parents...

so basically if you say NO to Eton they will likely cut him off for life and disinherit him?

very very tough call, you have my sympathy

you know what you want, and you have to be tue to that. your loyalty is to your kids and family. They are being complete and utter bullies, and it sounds like its time to stick up to them, and take the consequences. prepare DH for worst case scenario

If they do 100% cut you off, after the pain of the seperation it will probably be a relief

"I have a feeling that his parents will never speak to us again if we don't appease them, and I don't want to cause fractures in the family, or make things tense for our children."

Because abdicating parental responsibility in favour of what Granny and Grandad want will make things so much easier for your kids?

Are you all quite the ticket?

The fact is that no one deserves an inheritance. If we're lucky it gets given when we don't "need" it at age 50+ and our kids have all flown the nest.

Prioritise your son, because if you don't and he has a bad experience then you will never forgive yourself.

My son is going to Eton soon and he can't wait. I am nervous and excited for him but if he is unhappy then I will whip him out immediately. It is still just a school after all!

My DH went to boarding school & loved it. It must depend on the child.

I've come to realise that going to a decent school teaches you to speak properly, and gives you confidence in later life that you are as good as anyone else - both big advantages in one's working life. And, as someone said, it would give you connections.

I think that there is an open and frank conversation to be had (perhaps over dinner at your house) along the lines of:

DH to FIL - 'We wanted you to know what our plans are for the DC's education. Much as I know that you would love him to go to Eton, sadly we would not.' Your DH needs to then convince his parents that things are different now: that he is a much more hands on father and therefore he would miss not seeing his son on a daily basis. By pointing it out this way he will not undermine his parents decision to send him to Eton.

Good luck with it all.

Lots of people are confident and speak properly (whatever that means). You don't have to tear them away from their families aged eight, or 11, or 13, to get that result! And yes, the old boys' network can still be an advantage, but then so can connections made at university or medical school or anywhere, really.

I'd rather have my mum kissing me goodnight than "connections" any day Smellslike.
There are plenty of private schools that they could be day pupils at, if OP really wants a private school.
Agree with all the "over my dead body" comments - if you wanted it, fair enough - but to let GPs bully you? madness.

i feel your pain. dh's family are nowhere in that financial league, but still the pressure to do what they want, or you cease to exist - he used to have a step sister, who they have now erased from their memories. why? cos she didn't do the degree they wanted for her (she did a degree, but not the one they wanted)

the stress it causes dh in trying to live how we want, but without upsetting the parents, is immense. he cannot even talk about it without eczma breaking out.

fortunately, we found a good solution - emigrating. as his mother refuses to fly, we have to do one duty visit of a few days, once a year.

dd was 2 days old when his mum started asking if we'd signed her up for the local private school (they would not have offered to pay, nor been able to).

education is hugely important, it can really set someone up for life, but it has to be the right education for an individual, and the parents are usually the best judge of that.

Wisteria : no question - you cannot do this if you are against it, your husband would struggle to go near the school and your son doesnt want to do.

So question is - do you register your son now and go through the motions, giving yourselves 3 years to sort it out, or do you have the big fight now? It's a question of when you have the fight, not if.

You could explain to them that your son is not on the right glidepath so it is impossible to get there - he would need to move right now to a prep school (doesnt have to be boarding) and do common entrance if he is to do Eton, and needs to be pretty academic. Or you could be honest and say this is not just for you, you've considered their lovely offer and are very grateful, but it's not what you choose.

I would say though, that boarding schools now are very different from in our DHs day - much more open and accessible. Even Eton has become more meritocratic and accessible, and the facilities are amazing. I am anti boarding, but was persuaded by my son's headmaster that we should consider having a boarding option on the basis that a boy at 10 and a 13-year old are quite different creatures. So he did have a place at Eton but to my pleasure chose to go to a day school instead. So there could be some merit in purusing the path of creating an option but if you are truly anti private school don't do it, it will confuse your son. And you need to be consistent and he needs to see you standing firm to your beliefs.

There is not a chance that I would send my son away in his teen years to be parented by an establishment rather than my husband and I.
If you are so against it, I cannot believe that you are actually considering it just to keep the peace! I have t agree with Merrylegs!
Money and contacts are nothing compared to the love and presence of a mother and father. I am not anti private schools or boarding (though they're not for me) but I can't understand why you would let yourself be influenced to do something that you are against when it comes to parentng your children.
IFrom what you have said, you will come to regret this decision if you send them away.

YANBU.

You are their mother, and if you do not want them to board that is your prerogative.

Who is more important to you, your in laws or your DC? (obviously you don't need to answer that)

We all make sacrifices for our children, yours is just an unusual one.

If I were you, I would play the "I don't want them to board card" and not go into the private education bit, as they just won't be able to get their heads around it.

Thank you all for your sympathy/judgement/advice, it's all welcome. Lots of questions about whether DS is right for Eton, or even able to in terms of changing to a prep school etc. Honestly, no, he simply isn't, and getting the ILs to face up to the fact that they have a lovely grandson who just happens to be totally inadequate by their standards is step one of this process.

RE: Schools; Prep school is a no go because DS doesn't want to leave his nice primary, and neither do we. ILs have conceded to paying for a tutor from next year "when" we register.

DH has just confirmed that he doesn't want DS anywhere near Eton, which means he would go to the local secondary since ILs won't fund anything else. He would prefer him there anyway, and I would too.

DS says he wants to go to the local secondary where "everyone else" is going, and when I mentioned Eton he said he didn't want to leave Jago and Ted (his best friends). He always becomes very evasive whenever I mention it, like he's uncomfortable thinking about it.

WorkingItOutAsIGo - Discussion to follow on the subject of approaching the "dun dun DUNNN" moment with the ILs.

mumtoabeautifulbabyboy - On the surface it seems like a no-brainer, but it's much more complex than that. To the ILs, blood is thicker than Rick Waller, as far as they're concerned.

itsonlyajob - Yes, I married an Eton boy, with plenty of insecurities and anxieties and the capacity to be very hard indeed.

Your son doesn't want to go. I think that's the only thing you need to focus on when you tell the inlaws.