To argue with his family's Etonian tradition?

[wisteria12]

My DH has never been uptight or proper; that's why I married him. We never really discussed education properly before our two DSs were born - I suppose I was afraid that this would happen, and it has. DH and I will never come close to being able to afford any private education personally, and he knows I'm totally against it. Despite this, his parents (who are uptight and proper) keep dropping hints about them "financing" our son's education.

He personally doesn't seem in raptures about the idea, but I know that he feels very pressured to conform; he, his father, his grandfather, his great-grandfather and so on have always automatically gone to Eton. His family are direct descendants of Charles II and the royal houses of Europe, and then there's me, about as far away from that lifestyle as possible. I have a feeling that his parents will never speak to us again if we don't appease them, and I don't want to cause fractures in the family, or make things tense for our children.

However, I, and to an extent, my DH, have very different views and ways, and I can't help feeling that I will never be able to live with myself if I let his parents commandeer the most vital and formative years of our son's lives. Not only do I not agree with private education in concept or practice, having had plenty of experience of the people in produces, I don't want to send my two boys away from us and from their sister in an impenetrable bubble over a hundred miles away.

I really don't know what to do, the registration deadline for our eldest is approaching, tensions are high and nothing seems to be resolved. So I ask you this; am I being unreasonable?

Dh's granddad did offer to send dh and his brother to boarding school. His Mum turned it down with the motivation that their Dad would miss them too much. So far from resenting this, dh still feels warmed (though his Dad has been dead for many years) by the thought that his Dad valued their family togetherness more than any material advantages. He still managed to get into a good university- but also had masses of family time and learnt to cook and look after a house from his Dad.

I certainly do not feel at an educational disadvantage to my boarding school and Oxbridge educated colleagues; living in my family was educational, and I am hoping that my children are finding this too.

sethstarkaddersmum - Haha! I think they'd turn round and slap me in the face. Any OE knows that Harrovians are the scum of the earth.

Yanbu. It's got nothing to do with your in laws

Eton obviously does NOT set you up for life if your DH is still scared of his parents, no?

smallwhitecat, why is it behaving unreasonably for parents to decide what schools their children attend? Isn't it a parent's job to make parenting decisions?

Boarding is one issue. Private education is another.

Regardless, any committment from you ILs to pay fees (for any school) would need to protect your children from them changing their minds. The worst possible thing would be for a child to settle into somewhere and then have the ILs stop paying, or for them to use non-payment as a threat against you.

An educational trust would be the best option.

For me, it's not an anti Eton thing, but an anti boarding school. I would love my DC to go to a prestigious public school, but would never want them to board. Can you negotiate with the PILs in terms of, "we love the idea of a good public school, but cannot be without our DC at home"?

smallwhitecat - Have just suggested this to DH who says that registering and then not applying is equal to not registering at all in their eyes. Apparently his half-brother did this with his son and they've never spoken to the traitor again.

Hmm tough. What do your children think? I had the choice between boarding and not good day at 12 and even then I chose boarding. Can they do weekly?

MarshaBrady - That's a compromise we're willing to make, but not one the ILs are. I've tried to reason with them but they seem to think that children should be neither seen or heard for three quarters of the year.

Wow, your poor DH.

In the end though, he can either give in to his parents and see his sons as potentially unhappy as he was, or stand up to them and risk their wrath.

Not a pleasant choice to make, I grant you, but really his hand is being forced.

wisteria, have you been to look around Eton recently? and, just as importantly, has your ds?

because if not, then neither he nor you are making an informed decision.

my dss had the opportunity to go to Eton. he decided not to (chose another boarding school, so wasn't the boarding that put him off) but he decided based on al the available information.

as many have pointed out, boarding schools today are a world away form even a generation ago - my dss had an absolute ball at his, even though we were ot sure he was ready to go (case of his mother pushing him into it, really). he really loved it - this too was a full boarding school, so no visits home every weekend. his relationship with his sister (who did not go) has not suffered in any way. in fact, it is stronger in some ways.

Cor they drive a hard bargain (well no bargain really). Weekly is bearable, but away so much of the year at thirteen ah that is tough.

That's very sad, and I can't imagine how you must have felt when DS said that. I have nothing against private education and would certainly send ours to the right one were the opportunity to arise, just not boarding. When I was at school some loved and some hated it, but the cons outweigh the pros to me. I can understand the difficulty of your/your husband's position though, that kind of tradition is hard to escape without fallout.

What if you registered and they didn't get in? Apart from the little issue of fees, Eton has some pretty high academic standards I think. Are you sure Ds1 would pass the entrance exam?

I see smallwhitecat's point. Otoh it will only really work if you and your dh do not feel that you could never change your mind on this: otherwise, your dh will feel that he is lying to his parents which could create all sorts of hangups. You would also have to think about how you would handle it with your ds if ILs keep talking about "when you go to Eton" and he bursts into tears or tells them he's not going (as it seems from your post he is unhappy about the idea). It is a shame that they are not more open minded: if you could talk to them about keeping your options open it would make a big difference. But if you have to either instruct your ds to tell them fibs or get into a situation where he (having heard you talk to ILs) starts thinking you will send him whether he wants it or not, then there is potential for trouble.

The setting up for life things will only work if your ds is on board- friend of mine resented being sent to public school so much that he became a dropout just to thwart his father's ambitions.

But wisteria said:

'I asked him if he wanted to go to a good school; he said yes. I asked him if he wanted to live away from mummy, daddy and his brother and sister, and he cried and asked me if I didn't like him anymore. I knew then I couldn't do it.'

He may not have looked around the school, but this is a different case to those of you who have said that you enjoyed boarding/asked to board.

Oh I hated it for first two years but I somehow knew it was a better education so wouldn't have left. (Then I loved it)

Perhaps DH needs to get the Toxic Parents book for some strategies about facing up to his parents now he is an adult.

silverfrog - Yes, both me and DS (escorted accompanied by the ILs) went around. DH didn't want to go because he hates Windsor so much. DS liked the school, don't get me wrong, especially when the ILs kept telling him how it was a "famous" school and he would be "special" if he went there. But when I explained that he would be there for weeks at a time and wouldn't see his family during that time, he got upset and said he wanted to go home. If we lived closer, things might have been different for him.

I wouldn't compromise with them,not that it seems that it's an option or register your ds.

I know it's easier said than done but your dh is eventually going to have to stand up to his parents unless he wants to make his son as miserable as he was at boarding school.
Of course the fallout will be incredibly difficult for all concerned but they sound horribly unpleasant and I don't think it'd be right to sacrifice your ds's happiness and yours to appease his,what sounds like, very unpleasant and selfish parents.

Just get him to fail the test - it's quite easy to do. Lots of Old Boy's son's are failing to get in because the academic entry is high and they want all boys to be good at something else. My friend's son failed the test on purpose because he didn't want to go. So go along with it for PIL's sake and get kids to fail.

Or if they get in just fake a "you failed" letter to show them!

Your child your and your DHs decision, and to a lesser degree your DS'.

You can always register him - that may appease the PILs temporarily if your DH is really reluctant to upset them.

You can always lie say he failed the Common Entrance test later on if your DH is uncomfortable with confrontation