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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To argue with his family's Etonian tradition?

241 replies

wisteria12 · 21/07/2010 17:25

My DH has never been uptight or proper; that's why I married him. We never really discussed education properly before our two DSs were born - I suppose I was afraid that this would happen, and it has. DH and I will never come close to being able to afford any private education personally, and he knows I'm totally against it. Despite this, his parents (who are uptight and proper) keep dropping hints about them "financing" our son's education.

He personally doesn't seem in raptures about the idea, but I know that he feels very pressured to conform; he, his father, his grandfather, his great-grandfather and so on have always automatically gone to Eton. His family are direct descendants of Charles II and the royal houses of Europe, and then there's me, about as far away from that lifestyle as possible. I have a feeling that his parents will never speak to us again if we don't appease them, and I don't want to cause fractures in the family, or make things tense for our children.

However, I, and to an extent, my DH, have very different views and ways, and I can't help feeling that I will never be able to live with myself if I let his parents commandeer the most vital and formative years of our son's lives. Not only do I not agree with private education in concept or practice, having had plenty of experience of the people in produces, I don't want to send my two boys away from us and from their sister in an impenetrable bubble over a hundred miles away.

I really don't know what to do, the registration deadline for our eldest is approaching, tensions are high and nothing seems to be resolved. So I ask you this; am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
smallwhitecat · 21/07/2010 17:43

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Message withdrawn

Morloth · 21/07/2010 17:43

wisteria12 "...but he doesn't want them going to Eton, because he hated it..."

In light of that, I would say definitely not then. I wouldn't subject my kids to something I hated to please my parents.

BettyisNOTBlu · 21/07/2010 17:44

oh, well, there you go then... (that's a pretty definitive moment!)

Westminster? I think if dh, you and your son are flat out not going to do it, the position might be revised from Eton or nothing.

jesuswhatnext · 21/07/2010 17:44

one small question - in years to come is it possible that your sons will feel resentful that they had had such an oportunity and you turned it down?, you may well end up having to explain your reasoning to two very angry young men!

MrsGokWan · 21/07/2010 17:45

Just out of interest what are they proposing for your DD? Does she just get sent to the local comp?

CarGirl · 21/07/2010 17:47

Your ds doesn't want to go, it's scarred your dh.

Your ILs are being completely unreasonable, your child, your choice. NO WAY!

Booboobedoo · 21/07/2010 17:48

Judging by your last post, it's a no-brainer.

Do your in-laws know how much their son hated the school?

Clearly you can't send your children there, but I feel sorry for you having to communicate this to your in-laws.

Getting your DH to stand up to them would be the ideal solution, but if he is unlikely to do this, you'll probably have to bear the brunt.

YADNBU.

(For the record, my children would attend boarding school Over My Dead Body).

Flisspaps · 21/07/2010 17:49

You and DH need to talk about this. Chat to DS too, ask if he's had any thoughts about where he'd like.

It doesn't really matter what your PIL think, it's ultimately up to you and DH where DS goes. Just because it's tradition doesn't mean that you HAVE to comply.

Do you have a school that you'd like to send him to? Do I take it from your OP that you'd want him to stay in the state school system?

Katisha · 21/07/2010 17:49

If DH hated it, why isn't he clear that he doesn't want his own son to go there?

Is he scared of his parents? Does he think the benefits outweigh the hating it? What's causing him to waver exactly?

Beattiebow · 21/07/2010 17:49

If it was a choice between pissing my inlaws off for life, or sending my children to Eton, I would piss the inlaws off every time I'm afraid!

jesuswhatnext · 21/07/2010 17:51

mrsg - thats a very good question - in my book, if they are not prepared to do same for a dd then no way would allow it!

Original poster
wisteria12 · 21/07/2010 17:52

jesuswhatnext - That's a fair point, and one I'm going to have to consider, I do feel that they would really thrive in the good school we have locally. My boys are very sensitive and sweet, and though they're both bright, I don't seem them enjoying such a competitive and masculine atmosphere. They might never forgive me if I did send them there.

MrsGokWan - Oh, they don't seem to care as much, but I think they expect her to go somewhere like Cheltenham Ladies College. Yet another argument to be had.

Booboodedoo - The thing is, you don't know what my ILs are like. Let's just say I was holding my breath at our wedding when the priest asked if anyone objected. DH has had years of appeasing them and has problems facing up to his responsibilities. I would say, truthfully; yes, he is scared of his parents.

OP posts:
NarkyPuffin · 21/07/2010 17:52

Eton takes boys for sixth form. How about explaining you don't want them to board at 13 but would let them choose for themselves whether to go at 16.

CarGirl · 21/07/2010 17:53

Also if Eton sets you up for life etc etc How come your DH doesn't earn enough for you to pay for for your ds' to go to Eton yourselves?

It kind of ends that argument doesn't it

smallwhitecat · 21/07/2010 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

duplotogo · 21/07/2010 17:55

YANBU. Go with whatever your son, you, your husband, and your other children are comfortable with.

Original poster
wisteria12 · 21/07/2010 17:56

CarGirl - Haha. He definitely isn't the typical OE, he's a painter.

Narkypuffin - I have a feeling they're only going to say the same thing again - why bother when they can go now?

smallwhitecat - I do see your point, and it's a difficult decision to make. The thing is, there's only so long you can keep your options open; if I register, the ILs will believe I've caved and will break out the bubbly. To turn around and say we're not going ahead with it will only add to the problem.

OP posts:
messytessy · 21/07/2010 17:57

A private education is a wonderful opportunity but if I was in the position of boarding or nothing, I would have to choose nothing.

silverfrog · 21/07/2010 17:58

totally agree with swc.

who knows what the future holds for anyone? register, and discuss at the time.

MarshaBrady · 21/07/2010 17:58

Would they compromise on an excellent day school?

iloveasylumseekers · 21/07/2010 17:59

DH went to public school (boarded from 13) and he says the same as your DH, OP. He hated it and was very unhappy, although he is a lovely kind unsnobbish man. He would consider any type of school except public school. Day pupils at his school were also treated badly by the boarders, so that's out, too.

Having said all that, Eton sounds an amazing place, and I think I'd find it hard to turn down such an offer. In the hope, I guess, that loving parenting during holidays and exeats would make up for being away from us during term.

sethstarkaddersmum · 21/07/2010 17:59

suggest Harrow and see what they say

Original poster
wisteria12 · 21/07/2010 17:59

MarshaBrady - No.

OP posts:
5DollarShake · 21/07/2010 18:00

The thing is, I imagine it's really a much tougher position to be in than it looks.

It's easy for us to say, 'tell your in-laws to sod off', but the upper echelons of society simply don't work that way, as much as we might insist that they should. Plus, I can well imagine that your DH probably is intimidated by them, and has had a lifetime of not wanting to disappoint them, etc, etc.... I'm guessing even the thought of telling them that he hated his years at Eton is a scary prospect?

I really feel for you - this won't be an easy battle at all.

jesuswhatnext · 21/07/2010 18:00

what smallwhitecat said!