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Original poster

To argue with his family's Etonian tradition?

241 replies

wisteria12 · 21/07/2010 17:25

My DH has never been uptight or proper; that's why I married him. We never really discussed education properly before our two DSs were born - I suppose I was afraid that this would happen, and it has. DH and I will never come close to being able to afford any private education personally, and he knows I'm totally against it. Despite this, his parents (who are uptight and proper) keep dropping hints about them "financing" our son's education.

He personally doesn't seem in raptures about the idea, but I know that he feels very pressured to conform; he, his father, his grandfather, his great-grandfather and so on have always automatically gone to Eton. His family are direct descendants of Charles II and the royal houses of Europe, and then there's me, about as far away from that lifestyle as possible. I have a feeling that his parents will never speak to us again if we don't appease them, and I don't want to cause fractures in the family, or make things tense for our children.

However, I, and to an extent, my DH, have very different views and ways, and I can't help feeling that I will never be able to live with myself if I let his parents commandeer the most vital and formative years of our son's lives. Not only do I not agree with private education in concept or practice, having had plenty of experience of the people in produces, I don't want to send my two boys away from us and from their sister in an impenetrable bubble over a hundred miles away.

I really don't know what to do, the registration deadline for our eldest is approaching, tensions are high and nothing seems to be resolved. So I ask you this; am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
edam · 21/07/2010 19:51

wisteria - I know one or two lovely OEs but the thing is NONE of them have sent their own kids to boarding school. (And the ones I know aren't typical, they don't work in the City or run the country or earn megabucks, far from it.)

Anyway, it's clear neither you nor your dh nor your son want him to go to Eton so the only issue here is how to handle the ILs. Suggest dh reads that book that's been recommended. In the meantime, practice what star says - one line, keep it firm and simple and don't get dragged into further debate.

Oh, and if they are descended from Charles II, it's clearly by the wrong side of the blanket and nothing to boast about! (And if you go back that many generations, simple maths shows thousands of other people will be descended from any common ancestor, too.)

gingercat12 · 21/07/2010 19:53

I was boarding from a young age. Obviously not at Eton. It was to do with living far from a school, and my parents not having a car.

I would not not want DS to live away. It really did make me independent, but I would not do it to my own child. The first few weekends I refused to speak to my parents apparently. Just spent whole weekends in bed being really miserable. (I do not remember this, my parents told me.)

YetAnotherIssue · 21/07/2010 19:53

If he is 10 then he may have already missed the deadline unless he is a very late birthday. I think you need to register 10 months before the pre test and for Sep-Feb birthdays that is in November this year and for late birthdays it is usually around May-June next year.

FWIW I know plenty of Etonians who are lovely guys and some who are dysfunctional but lets face it how many of us are not dysfunctional? We may not think it but I bet someone thinks you're weird!

autodidact · 21/07/2010 19:58

Your parents-in-law sound utterly heinous. I Think you and your man should concentrate all your efforts on finding the courage to tell them to fuck off. I don't like private education at all but even if I was a fan I would be very very wary of accepting money from them.

SatinandTat · 21/07/2010 19:58

Poor you, what an unenviable position to be in. I once had a boyfriend from a similar background - years and years of OEs in the family etc. Even though he admitted that his upbringing made him totally emotionally constipated and he had a distant relationship with his parents he said that he knew if he ever had sons they would follow the same path he had done. For what it is worth he is very successful in his field of work.
Maybe it is time for you and your husband to break the cycle in his family!
Good luck.

Original poster
wisteria12 · 21/07/2010 19:59

YetAnotherIssue - He's a late birthday. I'm not saying all OEs are horrid - my husband's one and though he has his issues (!) he's a lovely guy. But they all have this streak in them, even him, that's quite cold and calculating. That's what years of competition and expectation does to a young boy.

OP posts:
Jux · 21/07/2010 19:59

Yes, this is crunch time for your dh whether he's ready for it or not. He either stands up to them over this or he folds and then he'll have sacrificed his children, and you, and his own principles in favour of appeasing his parents.

How far is he actually prepared to go to get his children the education he wants them to have.

How strongly does he feel about it.

It is so important to make this decision yourselves.

crumpet · 21/07/2010 20:03

edam got there first - wsa just about to post that any descendents from Charles II will have been illegitimate, so just the output of his tarting about...that said, I think Charles played pretty fair in setting up his offspring (those he knew about).

crumpet · 21/07/2010 20:06

Oh, and to the point of the OP, one compromise could be to register etc, but on the basis that (assuming he is offered a place), you will make a final decision in a couple of years and that currently you feel that he would be more suited to a day school.

moonstorm · 21/07/2010 20:12

To me it's a none decision. He doesn't want to go, your dh doesn't want him to go and you don't seem to want him to go...

It's the choice bewteen sacrificing the relationship between your dh and his parents and yours and dh's relationship and your own son... I know which I would choose in a flash...

Good luck!

YetAnotherIssue · 21/07/2010 20:19

Just say you want to keep the kids together and have them all go to the one school. Find an alternative that pleases you. Go and look at local private schools, do the sales pitch and if they say no to paying the fees then you have your state school education that you wanted.

ladymarian · 21/07/2010 20:22

OP you have my sympathies. What a horrible situation to be in!

I agree with other posters esp Katisha that you cannot let these people bully you in to sending your son to Eton if you and DH are not happy about it.

I am pretty much against private education and could NEVER send my child away to board.

at an earlier post about a prep school where you send your child there at 8!!!! imho that is bizarre, barbaric and wrong.

I think this is the time to stand up to the GPs and risk their wrath. If they are willing to shun you over this they truly are not worth it. Good Luck

YetAnotherIssue · 21/07/2010 20:27

ladymarian I think it's a bit OTT to be saying barbaric, bizarre and wrong. These schools have been going for hundreds of years and unless you have been to or visited such a school then you have no idea what you are talking about!

Original poster
wisteria12 · 21/07/2010 20:31

YetAnotherIssue - That might just work. They'd never pay for anywhere else, and at least it would look like we attempted a compromise.

OP posts:
ladymarian · 21/07/2010 20:33

All I am saying is that for me personally it would feel bizarre, barbaric and wrong to send an 8 year old child away to boarding school.

I do know one or two people who were sent to boarding school at a young age and they are pretty damaged by it and have a very strange relationship with their parents. I'm sure they had a great education though

MarshaBrady · 21/07/2010 20:36

Yep good idea. I'd do the middle ground and research schools, find one and present it as an idea. If they say no then that's their choice and you leave it.

mummytime · 21/07/2010 20:37

Just make sure whichever school you choose, you could bare for your kids to go to, in the unlikely event they said yes. (Maybe a nice alternative one like Bedales, or Frensham, or St Christophers? Or Windermere St Annes) Sorry I don't know where you live.

niminypiminy · 21/07/2010 20:41

I had a friend once who'd been to boarding school. He never, ever talked about it and was a pretty closed-off kind of person. But I did once (only once) see him cry, after he'd watched a programme about kids going off to boarding school.

DH's uncle went to Eton -- hated it, rebelled against everything that his family stood for, and has generally made a pig's ear of his life.

Hope you can find a way to sort it out with the GPs.

CreepyFunbags · 21/07/2010 20:43

Your in laws sound like a lot of hard work. Can you emigrate?

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 21/07/2010 20:44

yetanotherissue - at the risk of stating the bleedin' obvious, just because something's been around for hundreds of years does not make it right...

YetAnotherIssue · 21/07/2010 20:46

neither does thinking it is barbaric when the poster has never stepped foot in one!

weblette · 21/07/2010 20:49

The school thing seems a smoke-screen here, the real issue is your in-laws relationship with their children.

What gives them the right to dictate the life your child should lead just because they have money? From what you've said the relationship is already pretty disfunctional.

Forget them, decide where you and your child want education to take place - where will make you all most happy.

alana39 · 21/07/2010 20:54

Oh Wisteria what an awful situation to be in. My MIL has never offered to pay for boarding school but we have had issues with her wanting to use her money to control certain aspects of ours and DSs lives. We have pretty much got to the point of refusing everything, and it has had a detrimental effect on what was already a shaky relationship between my DH and his mother.

I suppose the thing is that you need to be able to live with any decision that you take, and sadly, ultimately, you are likely to find it easier to live without close contact with parents / parents-in-law than living without your sons for weeks at a time.

I'm not sure your children, who have been brought up by parents who obviously care a great deal about making the right decisions for them while they're young, will resent any loss of opportunity once they understand your reasons. And apart from being told by their grandparents, if they continue to behave in such a childish and controlling manner, how are they going to know? Good luck.

Easywriter · 21/07/2010 20:57

What does your son think?

BeenBeta · 21/07/2010 20:59

Possibly not a helpful comment but have a friend who went to a particular quite famous North of England boarding school 40 years ago and hated it. He does not want his son to go the school he went to as a child.

He does want him to go to Eton though. In the mean time he is going to London day Prep schools until he is 13. The man an dhis wife dote on thei ronly son bt have to travel a lot and he is sometimes looked after by a nanny.

They feel at 13 he will be ready for and really want to go to boarding school. Your DS may change his mind.

On the other hand, I can see NO reason at all why you should send your son to Eton if it is not right for him. I would though advise you consider sending DS to a very good private day school. If he is academic perhaps an academically oriented private day school may be the making of him. I dont think you should just turn your face against private schools - there are some really truely outstanding ones that few state schools can match.