To argue with his family's Etonian tradition?

[wisteria12]

My DH has never been uptight or proper; that's why I married him. We never really discussed education properly before our two DSs were born - I suppose I was afraid that this would happen, and it has. DH and I will never come close to being able to afford any private education personally, and he knows I'm totally against it. Despite this, his parents (who are uptight and proper) keep dropping hints about them "financing" our son's education.

He personally doesn't seem in raptures about the idea, but I know that he feels very pressured to conform; he, his father, his grandfather, his great-grandfather and so on have always automatically gone to Eton. His family are direct descendants of Charles II and the royal houses of Europe, and then there's me, about as far away from that lifestyle as possible. I have a feeling that his parents will never speak to us again if we don't appease them, and I don't want to cause fractures in the family, or make things tense for our children.

However, I, and to an extent, my DH, have very different views and ways, and I can't help feeling that I will never be able to live with myself if I let his parents commandeer the most vital and formative years of our son's lives. Not only do I not agree with private education in concept or practice, having had plenty of experience of the people in produces, I don't want to send my two boys away from us and from their sister in an impenetrable bubble over a hundred miles away.

I really don't know what to do, the registration deadline for our eldest is approaching, tensions are high and nothing seems to be resolved. So I ask you this; am I being unreasonable?

What a delicious dilemma, why not allow his name to be put down and go from there. If, as you say it is a family tradition, imagine your DS holding it against you in the future if you deny him this opportunity out of principle?

Also, he may not be suited/suitable so you will need to look at alternatives.

Very good point Chatelaine. I know I would have been LIVID if I discovered that the opportunity had been extended to me to go to a top school and my parents had turned it down "for me" without me getting a say in it.

I hadnt looked at that angle before, so thanks for pointing that out.

Unfortunately it cuts both ways, and there is no knowing if the ds in question will end up livid because he has been denied the opportunity to go to Eton or because he was made to go to Eton. I have known children react either way in a similar dilemma, but also children who have been grateful to their parents for deciding either way.

yes, very true. It's impossible to predict.

what age do they go to Eton- isnt it 13?(state school pleb me).

put his name down on the proviso you do not discuss it again in any form until he is due to sit common entrance or whatever. He will be old enough to have an opinion by then.

would have thought the more immediate battle is what to do re earlier stages.

you might be grateful to get rid of a hulking/sulking teenager for 6 weeks at a time.

Wisteria, mine board, and love it, and yet when they were small, I never thought I would send them. My advice is to register them and see how they develop. After all, they will, with your care, become independent thinkers, and it would be wrong to entirely close the door on something that they may decide they would have liked to experience. An Eton education will not suit them if their home life is completely at odds with the majority of their school mates. But if the gaps are not that big, then consider that it also remains one of the great educational establishments of the world, and one that might offer them a whole new dimension, as well as challenges and prejudices to overcome.

ladydeedy - where do you get your info? i.e. "
Also, just to hark back to a previous poster, you can actually attend Eton as a day pupil"..............I'm interested if you can but I don't believe that it's the case?

Agree with Chatelaine - why not put his name down, and do the assessments/exam, interview, visits, etc. In addition, research all the more local options to you - both independent and state - and visit them too. Then you and/or your DS will be able to make an informed decision - and if you and/or your DS still aren't keen on Eton, you will be able to say "no, but thanks", having given it full consideration - which hopefully your ILs would respect.

DH went to public school. He was a boarder from 11 even though his parents lived closed by and didn't travel for work. He's really fucked up about it and absolutely hates the idea of boarding school. He also secretly, and not so secretly hates his mother for it. I would def not send DS boarding.

But that would require the whole family to up sticks and move, which may not be practical, and anyway I don't think being a day boy really goes along with the whole exclusive public school ethos, does it? The boarding is part of the whole rite of passage.

Also....as someone else said, they may not get in. In oder to be in with a real chance they need to be in the 'right' prep school from the beginning, and be reasonably academically competent - though I suspect just how competent depends very much on what your other family credentials/connections are. Just having family as Old Boys is not a guarantee of getting in these days. So putting them down now is not as simple as it sounds - some commitment to working to secure their eventual place needs to be demonstrated.

orienteerer - I do apologise, I am wrong on that one.
I am confusing myself with another exclusive private school which does accept day boys and weekly boarders.

why not go for the 6th form?

Spent some time with a friend of a friend who is a "master" there. He freely admitted that for some children it was totally the wrong environment and this was obvious from very early on. Parents would ignore this in their single minded pursuit of an Eton education for the poor boy whatever the cost. If you feel it wouldnt be right for your boy think the decision would be pretty easy.

My uncle and a close friend have both been utterly fucked up by their boarding schools. Neither has been able to form a long term relationship. Sure some children thrive but for others it must be hell.

I would have loved to go to boarding school for sixth form. I think that's a great compromise - if a compromise is needed.

I agree Kerala - it's right for some, and totally wrong for others. Also very much depends on what age you are sent. Most kids can positively relish it at 13, but would flounder completely at 7 or 9. My DH boarded from 9 - his parents lived and worked in Africa so he only saw them in the long holidays. He detested it, and ran away several times. Luckily his GPs were in the UK, for exiats, otherwise he would have been hellishly miserable.

Sadly though, often (not always) with the kind of people who push for Eton et al, suitability to boarding and the compatability between the school and the child are an irrelevance. They want their child to go there at all costs, and their attitude is that the child will (or must ) adapt accordingly. The social shame of having their child go somewhere ordinary or God forbid, State, is too much. Ultimately, I fear, they consider potential unhappiness a small price to pay for having Eton on their son's CV and the social/employment doors it may open.

That's not to say a boy would be more unhappy at Eton than any other public boarding school - just that I'm not sure parents who are hell-bent on it (because it's what everyone in their circle does) are always being honest with themselves about why they want them to go.

I imagine the OPs ILs are totally honest about why they want the boy to go: mustn't let Charles II down!

OK, having read more of the thread, I agree with 5dollarshake - this isn't as easy as it sounds. These people (the PILs) will no doubt think that not going to Eton is like throwing your life away on drink drugs and crime. They don't see it as turning down an elitist opportunity - they see it as throwing your children to the wolves and ex-communating them from their rightful peer group for ever more. It would be like asking the rest of us if we wanted to send our children to school, or up chimneys.

Which makes me think they would be highly unlikely to want to stump up for a lesser fee-paying school (and certainly not one that was a no-name provincial establishment for day-boys, like the one my DS's go to ). A refusal to go to Eton will seem like a kick in the teeth from a madwoman to them, so they'll be saying OK, have it your way. Thow them on the mercy of the state.

Do you think your sons would be likely to get into Eton (e.g. are they in the right zone academically and so on).

It's far from a given these days that they will take a boy because his father went there.

Why not register them and let them sit the entrance test? In the process they will spend time at the school and then let them make up their own minds about whether they would like to accept any place that is offered.

FellatioNelson talks a lot of sense - fucked up children happen everywhere, and boarding school is one of those things that get blamed, like sink schools, or absent father, or working parents, or bereavement, or poverty, or peer pressure, or-or-or. In the case she just quoted, the poor kid had parents working in Africa - that separation - on its own is enough to make some children feel totally rejected and a poor second, and then boarding school doesn't have a chance. Equally, I know a boy the same age as my eldest dc, whose parents had BOTH died of cancer by the time he was 14: the ONLY reason he is a sane and un-fucked up adult is the real love and care that he received from his boarding school and houseparents for 5 years: which even extended to organising every week of every holiday so that X would always be surrounded by happy families that wanted to include him so that he had other models to base himself on. This is not a topic I usually get drawn into, because it polarises people, but there is a reason that the best of these schools are still going, and it isn't that their entire clientele is buying into tradition or exclusivity (although some inevitably are ): its because the best are wonderful, magical and inspiring places where the best of teaching takes place, and where youngsters get to stretch themselves in ways that ought to be available to all, but aren't. One of my dcs is a talented choral voice, and without the support of his current school he would have had no chance of even finding that he had that talent, much less the chance to grow it internationally: and I would be a hypocrite if I pretended that he would have had the same chances elsewhere.

Hasn´t the boy in question said he doesn´t want to go-or is that irrelevant?

The thing is, if the subject has never been broached before and suddenly your mother says:

'Darling would you like to go far away from me, to a school that's really famous and good, but you won't be able to live with Mummy and Daddy most of the time' What child is going to say 'Ooh yes - sign me up please - I've always wanted to live like an institutionalised orphan?'

Whereas if it's always been assumed since birth that they will go, and all their friends and peer group do exactly the same, and it's discussed from a very early age, at home and at kingerdarten and prep school as something entirely normal and to be expected, then it becomes entirely normal.

Personally still wouldn't do termly boarding for a child under 13 myself, but that's just me. And I wouldn't insist on it or assume it will happen, without listening to how my child felt, even then.)

To add some balance though, we do tend to hear about the misery stories from boarding school - not the positive ones. I guess it's great if your personality is 'Top Dog' and highly gregarious and confident, but for quieter more sensitive children it would be a major trauma. Boarding school will just polarise extreme personality traits and insecurites I think, so if you are bully you will be a worse bully, and if you are the bullies you will be bullied worse.

Well yes, I think the way OP broached it also was to get a negative response.

But at the end of the day the parents don´t want it either, so part of me is thinking well "just say no!"

And as you also say they have done nothing so far to prepare for Eton either.

Sorry, I meant if you are the bullied you will be bullied worse.

These people (the PILs) will no doubt think that not going to Eton is like throwing your life away on drink drugs and crime.

! i think anyone who has been there would know that drugs are very far from absent at said school!!

that sad, the etonian i know really thought it was great there - but he didn't have any siblings close in age to miss being with. Bless him, he's still swanning about London trying (not particularly hard) to be a solicitor (but mostly, enjoying a life of drink and drugs!)