Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why my Mum doesn`t want to help me more?

341 replies

OnEdge · 18/07/2010 16:36

I have a 3 year old, and 1 year old and am 32 weeks pregnant. My mum lives a 5 minute drive away and doesn`t seem to want to help me out.

She does heve my 3 year old most Friday nights, this started out as a plan to allow my husband and I to go out. we dont go out anymore, but Mum still wants my daughter round so that they can see her. I am really greatful for this, dont get me wrong.

Appart from that, nothing. She is mid sixties and in good health and is retired. If I ask her occasionally she will baby sit for a few hours so that I can work, but she always lets me know that she is doing me a huge favour and isnt really that keen. Once she referred to this as being lumbered

She knows that I am starting to feel it with this pregnancy, I am 39, but no offers to come round and help.

AIBU to be disapointed? Or is it my job to get on with it and not expect help?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/07/2010 16:40

well, I feel your pain as my own mum has really disappointed me over the years with the support (lack of, that is) she has offered over the years

and everything she has done, I pay for in much more than financial terms IYSWIM

I suspect you will get a barrage of posters coming along now to say "your kids, your responsibility, blah blah" though

lifeinagoldfishbowl · 18/07/2010 16:41

YABU why should she have your children - you chose to have your children and with such small age gaps. You're lucky enough that she has the 3 year old at least once a week

valiumSingleton · 18/07/2010 16:42

I don't know. I will want to help my children when they have kids, if I'm allowed.

Especially as you are 39, it's not like you had a child at 18 when she was only JUST past raising kids herself.

Needaname · 18/07/2010 16:42

YANBU but you're posting on the wrong place and will be told YABU and it was your decision so you should take responsibility and you're lucky that your DM has bothered to ever see her GC and no one else on here is that lucky.

Families should help each other with good grace IMO.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/07/2010 16:42

I don't think you are bu to be disappointed. I would always want to help and support my DCs, even when they are grown up, but not all people are the same and she is under no obligation to help you more. It would be nice if she did though,at least while you are pg. Have you asked her why she feels reluctant? Some people do just take the view that they have raised their families and don't want to do any more childcare. It's her prerogative, but I can see why it makes you sad

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 18/07/2010 16:42

I think you need to ask for the help you need. Maybe she's just not thinking about things from your point of view; but then why should she? Please don't suffer in silence.

SloanyPony · 18/07/2010 16:44

Its great that she has your 3 year old. It sounds like she's gone off the boil a bit since then but some Grandparents do find it hard to have more than one at a time - they are not used to it.

I find it hard to truly feel sorry for you as I have no help at all with no family nearby whatsoever however it must be a bit dissapointing if you actually do have them nearby and what they provide doesn't meet your expectations.

Technically YABU.

wb · 18/07/2010 16:45

I think familys should be there for each other. What do you do to help out your mum?

googietheegg · 18/07/2010 16:45

I think a lot of women of that age (my mother included) get to a point of thinking 'I'm tired of looking after other people and I don't want to have to do it anymore.'

I don't have children yet but my brother does and lives in the same town as my mum and I've lost count of the times he and I have argued about the fact that my mum (in his eyes) 'isn't interested' in the children. I say that 'being interested' doesn't only manifest itself in being a free childminder.

Lulumaam · 18/07/2010 16:47

she has clearly never enjoyed it and not been a full on hands on grandma, which is her prerogative. i'm not sure i'd want my children being looked after my someone who felt 'lumbered' regardless of whether that person was my mum.

she might come into her own when the DCs are older.. coping with a 3 and a 1 year old when you are in your 60s is hard going.

if you can afford to buy in other help, do it ! is your DH helpful, what about his parents?

MumNWLondon · 18/07/2010 16:50

YANBU to feel disappointed, yet its up to her how much she wants to help you, although having your 3 year old most friday nights I think its quite a lot really.

So i think its totally reasonable for her to say she doesn't want to help you.

Although my mum is also fit etc, just turned 60 I would never ask her to look after all three DC, its just too much, even though DD is now older (6) and easier.

OrmRenewed · 18/07/2010 16:52

"What do you do to help out your mum?"

Good point. Is it always a one-way street?

StormyWeather · 18/07/2010 16:57

Mid-60s? Good health? Does it occur to you the poor woman is just tired? The 3 year old is one thing - no nappies, and probably settled for bedtimes etc - but to expect her to run after a 1 year old is a bit much. She's done her bit.

mummytime · 18/07/2010 16:58

Sorry but you do sound unreasonable. Why should you expect anyone to help you. Nice if they offer. And she even agrees if you ask, although she is making it clear she doesn't want to.

My mother died before I even had kids, my parents in law were too old to help. My SIL has offered, but is never really keen, I'm not sure she really likes little kids. However we do pay babysitters, had a friend who looked after the older two when the youngest was born. Have other friends who have helped out when needed.

What exactly do you expect your Mum to do?

Lynli · 18/07/2010 16:59

I think giving you one night a week is actually quite generous. When you get to 60 you will feel differently, and not want to spend all your time looking after children.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 18/07/2010 17:00

You are not being unreasonable to wish she wanted to help.

But if you think she should, she ought to or she must, then you are very unreasonable.

It would be great if families wanted to help out, but they don't owe it, they don't have to and we have no right to expect or demand it.

We are 100% responsible for the care of our own children. Any assistance you get (if you get any!) is a bonus these days. This is the price we pay for the move from the extended family (grandparent, parent, young couple and child/ren living together, massive families in the one house, living together, supporting each other...) to the nuclear family unit of parent/s and child/ren. We wanted more independence, and our own homes and boundaries and separation - that's exactly what we got!

Times have changed.

rubyslippers · 18/07/2010 17:00

Why don't you ask her?

theagedparent · 18/07/2010 17:02

Yanbu to be disappointed that she does't want to spend more time with her grandchildren. My mother is the same, lives 2 minutes up the road but only ever comes round between half nine to 12 on a Monday when 3 of my 4 dds are at school. I always imagined it would be lovely to spend time with your grandchildren but I guess not everyone thinks the same.

thelunar66 · 18/07/2010 17:04

One night a week is incredibly generous. My mother has had mine for about 4 hours in 18 years. And she had to be talked into that for days beforehand!

violethill · 18/07/2010 17:05

I can understand you feeling disappointed, but it's unreasonable to expect any help as some sort of entitlement.

Having your 3 year old on a weekly basis is more than many people get anyway.

I also agree with googietheegg's point that a lot of grandparents probably feel they don't want to have to help. Offering occasional help is one thing; being expected to provide it is quite another, and maybe she is backing off and seemingly uninterested because she is genuinely worried that the more she gives, the more you'll expect. I know some gps who are really put upon, and end up doing an awful lot for their adult children, and resent it but feel they can't speak out. I also think that expecting a gp to be a free babysitter while you work is not on. Organise proper childcare for that, and then maybe your mum will see that you aren't taking her for granted, and will happily give more of her own free will - when she chooses to

rubyslippers · 18/07/2010 17:05

It is lovely to spend time together but not always helping/babysitting

My mil is amazing - babysits when i am working etc but i am also very careful to invite her for lunches and dinners / treats where she can relax and enjoy herself too without having to do bath andbedtime and be responsible

rupert22 · 18/07/2010 17:06

I cant believe that you think its reasonable/ She raised her kids, job done. You got pregnant when you hadnt long given birth to your second child, your choice.

I am one of four, and both sisters and brother regularly put upon mum for help so they can work. Well the way i see it, before you conceive, the responsible thing would be to work out childcare and affordable options at that point, not just wing it and hope mum will do it. I never ask for babysitting, i think its a cheek to be frank. Yes its her grandchildren and she might like to see them, but shouldnt be expected to. My mum is 67 and in great health, but she wants to enjoy life now with dad and do their own thing, and who can blame them.

If your husband ran off and left you high and dry i would expect your mum to help out a bit until you were more sorted, but you chose this family and the gaps, your problem

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 17:06

My DH is brilliant. His Dad has my daughter once a weeks for 3 hours, but this is not to help me out, it is a very complicated story, my DH does not speak to his Dad, and I initiated contact for him with the children. So its more a favour to him, he thought he would never have contact with any of his grandchildren, he still is not allowed to see his daughters child.

Regarding my Mum, She did offer a few months ago for me to go round with the children every afternoon for 2 hours and have a lie down while she looked after them. I went twice, and each time, I would fall asleep and then after 3/4 of an hour, she would bring my 1 year old into the bedroom crying and just put him on the bed next to me. It was worse than no rest because I had to go from sleep to sorting him out, I dont know why she didnt settle him for me because she has done it beofore and knows how to, he loves her.

After that she made up excuses and it never happened again. Now appart from the Friday nights - nothing. I have hinted and she just gets all intolerant and cross so I back off.

I know I should ask, but it is humiliating each time because she doesnt seem to want to. I expect her to see where help is needed and step in. She is my Mum after all, and I do help her out wherever I can.

Im partly disapointed, and partly hurt by her lack of help.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 18/07/2010 17:07

some grandparents and indeed parents come into their own oncce the children are a little older

HecateQueenOfWitches · 18/07/2010 17:11

Of course you're hurt. It's hurtful that she doesn't want to help you out.

But she doesn't want to.

End of story.

You have choices.

Accept that she doesn't actually owe you childcare and doesn't have to pitch in (although it is hurtful that your mum doesn't want to help your kids, I know.)

Tell her that you are hurt - but that could be seen as emotional blackmail.

Stop helping her out - which is a bit tit for tat...

The problem is right here "I expect her to see where help is needed and step in."

You expect something that you have no right to expect of someone, not even your mum.

She has the right to not want to 'pitch in'.

Swipe left for the next trending thread