to wonder why my Mum doesn`t want to help me more?

[OnEdge]

I have a 3 year old, and 1 year old and am 32 weeks pregnant. My mum lives a 5 minute drive away and doesn`t seem to want to help me out.

She does heve my 3 year old most Friday nights, this started out as a plan to allow my husband and I to go out. we dont go out anymore, but Mum still wants my daughter round so that they can see her. I am really greatful for this, dont get me wrong.

Appart from that, nothing. She is mid sixties and in good health and is retired. If I ask her occasionally she will baby sit for a few hours so that I can work, but she always lets me know that she is doing me a huge favour and isnt really that keen. Once she referred to this as being lumbered

She knows that I am starting to feel it with this pregnancy, I am 39, but no offers to come round and help.

AIBU to be disapointed? Or is it my job to get on with it and not expect help?

thing is, you an't have it both ways, you want her to have the DCs but she does not do what you want and it makes you cross. it makes you feel humiliated to ask, but she won't offer and if she does, she does not look after them right

so it seems like you should count your mum out and find other people to help if you are struggling

Sorry, but I don't think it's reasonable to say

'I expect her to see where help is needed and step in. '

Why? They are YOUR children. She already helps out on a weekly basis. You also get weekly help from another grandparent.

TBH it sounds as though you need to improve your coping skills. To expect to have a two hour nap every afternoon just because you have two young children and another on the way is fantasy land!! Many of us have been there and done it - yeap, it's tough, but it will be even tougher when you have a newborn , so I would get used to it!

"I expect her to see where help is needed and step in. She is my Mum after all, and I do help her out wherever I can."

I have no family to help me locally and I wouldn't expect my parents to even if they were. They did their bit raising me and my sister and they have worked hard all their lives, why should anyone expect. They are having a ball travalling around the world and doing all the things they couldn't afford to do when we were kids. Besides that they still work - my dad is 75 .

I am a grown woman and I chose to have children. I sort out my own childcare arrangements.

cant wholly rely on your mum nor make her feel compelled.yes she is granny but she shouldnt feel she has to. being in good health and young maybe she wants her own time to herself

is see your predicament but yabu

But wanting to spend time with grandchildren & looking after them are different imo.

Also, why does helping have to be looking after the children?

You are 39, not 19, and I think expecting too much of your mum.

My own mum has never once helped me out with anything since I left home. Except for perhaps preparing the vegetables when she comes to stay for a few days.

be grateful for what she has done for you to date.and sort out a babysitting circle amongst mates

rupert22 I have only asked to her to help out when I am working about 3 times. My job occasionally requires me to rush out in a kind of urgent unplanned way, its only then that I have asked. usually I work at weekends and my DH looks aftert them.

I presumed that my Mum and Dad would enjoy spending time with them but clearly not.

I am bewildered by her behavoir. I can manage actually, its more that I am sad that she doesnt want to . I am totally self sufficient. Have even said no need for Friday nights now, but they insisted that they look forward to it and still want to have her. I dont NEED the help, I am just upset that she is so unwilling. I am her only child and we used to be so close but not now seemingly.

If someone isn;t going to give you what you want willingly, stop trying to get it. The person doesn't want to give it. Find a way of getting the thing you want from someone else.

Good idea scottishmummy.

Babysitting circle if you are happy/able to reciprocate. Otherwise find a local teenager/Uni student on vacation who would be really happy with the extra money. Sort a childminder for the hours you work.

There are practical solutions to this - it just means you making the effort rather than your mum being expected to!

your presumption has been that regular unpaid childcare would continue.that is one hell of an assumption.

perhaps instead of it being a one way thing, you need childcare for time with your DH, you say to your mum, look, the kids would love to see you, i would love you to see them, would you like to have them for an hour in the park/soft play

emphasis on it being to see the children, to have fun with them, rather than becasue you need something from her

taking the children out gives you the side effect of time alone, but it has to work for her too.. and in her 60s, running after toddlers is hard work

you plan and pay for your childcare - like the rest of us

I presumed that my Mum and Dad would enjoy spending time with them but clearly not. "

They may enjoy spending time with them but this does not mean looking after them.

God, it's so depressing that we don't parent in the way we're meant to. It really shouldn't be as hard work as it is for us nowadays because we really ought to be parenting with the active help and support of our community.

It's totally shit, and makes me really angry, when you hear 'you chose to have them, it's your responsibility' That's a load of shit if I ever I heard it!

Children do not do well being brought up by harrassed, stressed parents, and it's not good for parents to be constantly harrassed and stressed. Life is far easier, and more pleasant, for everyone involved, when communities come together to help bring up children.

YANBU to be sad your mum won't help more. I am glad my mum has a different attitude. Did any of you know that chimps who have a lot of contact with their grandparents have better immune systems than those who don't? We are bloody meant to be brought up by whole families, not just our poor, exhausted mother!

Babies are meant to be held all the time - preferably by mum, but at least by grandma or a sister, or a cousin, or someone else who loves the baby.

We know all this to be true. So all of you who say 'tough luck!' to parents who hope for a bit of help are just plain wrong, and adding to the problem . I pity your children when they become parents if you have that horrible, anti-social attitude

spending time is recreational etc,having to watch because of your work commitments is a compulsion you put upon them

YABU. She probably feels that she is done with the whole little kids thing. Can't blame her really.

Possibly she feels taken advantage of as well, as HouseofCrazy says, spending time with them doesn't always mean looking after them.

Do you ever just invite her around for her sake? Just to see her, have a cup of tea? Sort of thing, or are you only interested in her when you need childcare?

at having your 3yo every week.

Perhaps she does want to spend time with them-but with you also so that she isn´t being used as free childcare?

I think this will probably be the last generation that can expect a substantial amount of help from grandparents when it comes to childcare - I will be working till I'm 65, people not much younger than me will work till 68 or perhaps more and I suspect that when they eventually do retire, they will want to make the most of their time while they still have their health, not be tied down to looking after grandchildren.

She may find it really hard work.

To me it sounds like she wanted to help but something has upset her and she's backing off... Have you insisted on something being done your way which she's taken as meaning her way ain't good enough? Have you expected help but not been thankful and she hasn't been happy in revolving her life ( cancellng her own social arrangements?) around your kids for you to not show any thanks? Are you kids hard work?

Sounds like she loves them. But certainly seems to be an atmosphere between the 2 of you.

violethill
This was offered by my mum when I was in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy and felt sick and tired. I didnt expect it. I can cope very well.

I dont even expect her to look after them, just coming round and offering me some emotional support would be nice. Someone to talk and laugh with over a brew.

I think she helps out quite a lot really so YABU.

I won't be doing loads of childcare for DD if she has children, particularly if she has a large family.

My mum works full time, and still makes time to come and help me out, and enjoy being close to her grandchildren. It's no excuse and makes me feel really sad that so many grandparents don't want to be so involved with their grandchildren and help their children do the most important job in the world.

So you are saying that relatives should be required to help? How would that work? Legislation? Putting them in prison for Not Helping Out?

No, I have to disagree. You have no right to expect or demand help from your relatives.

Like I've said in my previous posts, it would be nice if they wanted to, but they don't HAVE to. I also compared the nuclear family to the old extended family - the main difference nowadays is that!

Nobody has said she is wrong to hope for help, to want help or to feel hurt that help is not forthcoming (because it feels like a rejection) we are only saying she is unreasonable to expect or demand help.

That is the reality of it. We cannot demand help from others. We can only hope that they want to help. If they don't - that's when it's just tough luck.