to wonder why my Mum doesn`t want to help me more?

[OnEdge]

I have a 3 year old, and 1 year old and am 32 weeks pregnant. My mum lives a 5 minute drive away and doesn`t seem to want to help me out.

She does heve my 3 year old most Friday nights, this started out as a plan to allow my husband and I to go out. we dont go out anymore, but Mum still wants my daughter round so that they can see her. I am really greatful for this, dont get me wrong.

Appart from that, nothing. She is mid sixties and in good health and is retired. If I ask her occasionally she will baby sit for a few hours so that I can work, but she always lets me know that she is doing me a huge favour and isnt really that keen. Once she referred to this as being lumbered

She knows that I am starting to feel it with this pregnancy, I am 39, but no offers to come round and help.

AIBU to be disapointed? Or is it my job to get on with it and not expect help?

No, she´d want to be spending time with her grandchild, not stuck in the kitchen.

Also OP-did I misunderstand-you didn´t ask your mum to carry stuff at the beach because she didn´t do what you wanted make drinks at the party?

Gosh-no wonder she doesn´t offer to help!

yanbu to be disappointed.

my parents are bollox, and i don't get it. for me it's the fact they don't feel the 'need or want' to see my dd despite the fact they like to wax lyrical over how rubbish my ex dh is/was. pot kettle and all.

you just have to accept it, it is hard to accept at times.

YABU and very ungrateful. They are your parents not put on this earth to wait on you hand and foot.

"I am dismayed that she has booked a holiday just before I am due to give birth. It is her role to look after the other two for a few hours" - I think that comment sums it up - its not her role, she is not their parent.

She has an ill husband, provides childcare one night a week, is expected to wait on your friends and your parties and yet its all not enough? She's entitled to some life of her own as well.

If you didnt want the tiredness and struggles of having three children then perhaps that should have been thought of before you planned another.

Grandparents should enjoy their grandchildren, they can do that without providing constant childcare.

Perhaps your mum needs a break too hence the holiday.

"They are your parents not put on this earth to wait on you hand and foot"

When did the OP say she wanted her mum to wait on her hand and foot?

"If you didnt want the tiredness and struggles of having three children then perhaps that should have been thought of before you planned another."

Nice!

I knew you would get a hard time, OP

But some people are being un-necessarily harsh

Some gp's are crap. End of. My own parents are crap...it is simple as that. They also like to do the "parading" thing too, and sometimes I have been absolutely when I hear my mum talking lying to some of her friends about all she does with her gc and how "wonderful" they are (I am not sure how she knows, tbh )

She has let me down again this week (can't be arsed to detail how, tbh, as will probably get jumped on). She does it regularly...but I am the one in the wrong if I try to withdraw a little to avoid getting let down repeatedly.

I have posted on the "Stately Homes" thread about it...and found that area very supportive.

I don't respect my parents...I haven't since I was about 8yo, tbh

what mrs wobble said

Violethill Op works 7 days a week, 5 caring for her DCs and 2 very long days in paid work. And mat leave starts from 29 weeks.

Yes I am bristling with resentment. I cant say anything to her because I have before and nothing changes. And also should I have to explain to an inteligent woman that her pregnant daughter would like a little support now and then.

If i say anything, she says " Well what do you want me to do?" It isnt one specific thing, it is just being my Mum.

I seem to have unrealistic expectations. This is the sad part because I see other GP mucking in and enjoying their extended family. I cant demand that my mum cares more about me and cant see that help would be a kind thing to offer under the circumstances.

Its just the little things like holding my son for 5 minutes whilst I finish a meal when she has already finished hers. She will sit there watching me juggle.

I have noticed that if there are helpful people around she will suddenley scoop up one of the kids and start jiggling them about on her hip to look busy.

OP-perhaps you just need to ask sometimes.

I know for example that such things would not occur to my MIL.

Do you think she simply doesn't want to help, or can't be bothered?

What if you asked her if she'd hold the baby while you finish a meal (to use your most recent example)? Ask her without giving her attitude or being exasperated, and I'd bet she'd be happy to oblige.

I think some people don't know how to help, or don't/can't see what seems obvious.

If your Dad is unwell who cares for him?

You are confusing me, I can't tell what you want from her. Just ask.

My Mum is brilliant, but I need to ask her for help otherwise how will she know I need it? She sounds tired. The "Just watching you makes me feel exhausted" is quite telling I think.

Fairweather Grandmother, thats what she is.

Maternity leave starting at 29 weeks?! Eh? What planet are you on? I worked up to 36 weeks, so did most people I know! And yes, any parent works hard 7 days a week, caring for their children, that hardly needs pointing out, it applies to all parents. I was just saying that she only does paid work for two days as well, which is a lot less than some. And her mother has one child on a weekly basis, and another grandparent does the same.

Sorry, I still don't get why the OP feels so resentful.

Fairweather Grandmother, thats what she is.

Well yeah, as far as I am concerned my Mum and MIL get to enjoy our kids with none of the work, if they do any of the work they are doing us a favour.

MrsWobble, I also havent read so much total shit since your post. It is her responsibility, and its the attitude you are on about that, in my opinion, allows for feckless fathers and chav mothers, "someone else will take care of it"

It may 'natural' to have babies held all the time, so others piich in, and they do, be it childminders, nannies or friends.

It still doesnt make this womans mother duty bound to babysit these kids. She chose to have three close together, she could have chosen to have twins with IVF, so who is the problem there?

Natural my ass

Right - I'm finally saying what I've wanted to say for years when I read these "my mother isn't quite good enough" threads; I've stopped myself because I thought what I wanted to say wasn't reasonable or fair.

But here it is regardless - at least she's alive, at least she's a part of your life. There are a shedload of us out there whose mothers never met any of their grandchildren. Seriously - just enjoy what you have, because you won't always have it. And when she's gone, you can either look back and think "did I make the most of her, appreciate what I had, did I try to enjoy time with her?" or you can spend years regretting that you spent your time thinking she was never quite good enough and resenting her.

And yes, I know this isn't fair - I know I sound like the Monty Python Yorkshire men/shoebox in the motorway sketch, but there you go.

My Father in law has my daughter once a week to suit him, I dont need his help, he is desperate to spend time with his grandaughter. To be honest, I would rather he didnt because I dont like him at all, I allow him access to his Grandchildren because it is the right thing to do. And he only has my daughter, not my son. He isnt doing me a favour, I am doing him one. he treated his family dreadfully and is lucky to now have access to his Grandchildren. This isnt fucking childcare.

OP - glad you've stayed on the thread to stick to your guns.
I think that YADNBU and it's absolutely normal to feel sad and let down by someone as close to you as your own mum.
I actually don't think an evening of babysitting one child per week is very much and I think some people on this thread have been very harsh.
Whoever said 'being 32 weeks pregnant is not an illness' particularly so - I expect you have a sizeable bump and running around after 2 little ones is bloody hard work.

It's not that your mum doesn't help - it's that she doesn't want to, which is the sad thing, and I'd feel exactly the same in your position.

I expect your mother is fed up with taking care of people if she is in her mid-sixties and has a husband in poor health. Having your three year old one night a week is a lot of help in my book. And you should never expect anyone you don't pay to do so to serve your guests - that is just asking for trouble.

rupert22 Hope you arent refering to me as a chav!

(Round of applause for Hassled)

I think you've said what many of us are thinking. Be grateful that she's alive, healthy, and is actively involved in your life - you mention lunches, parties, days out at the beach. Be thankful for that.

"I think sometimes, I feel sad inside because we could be out somewhere, like the beach for example, and I will be struggling along the sand with the double buggy and all the kit and clobber and she doesnt seem to want to offer to help but will just let me struggle. That is the sort of thing that baffles me. I could say "Mum could you just carry this please" but I dont want to humiliate myself. This is more the reason why I feel sad. She only had me, so maybe she has no idea how much harder it is with two and being pregnant.

Another example was at my son`s birthday party, I asked her if she would make teas and coffees when people arrived because in the past I have done this and doesnt work because I need to meet and greet. She said no. I dont get it. So it fucked it up then because everyone arrived at once and I had to keep running into kitchen to make drinks. Why couldnt she just be all hands on deck for half an hour to help me make tea and coffee.

That is more the help I meant, rather than childcare. "

Now that you have said this it is clearer. I understand totally that this would be upsetting and I know now what you mean by struggling. Sorry for mis understanding earlier.

"Maternity leave starting at 29 weeks?! Eh? What planet are you on? I worked up to 36 weeks, so did most people I know! And yes, any parent works hard 7 days a week, caring for their children, that hardly needs pointing out, it applies to all parents. I was just saying that she only does paid work for two days as well, which is a lot less than some. And her mother has one child on a weekly basis, and another grandparent does the same."

Eh? Give us a wave from your ivory castle Vi. OP doesn't get any days off is the point I think you have missed.

No of course i dont refer to you, i dont know you. I mean, when there are chavs galore abcicating responsibility because always they expect, and feel entiteled to, lots of outside help.

I know we can harp back to the days when a villiage raised a child, but those days are gone. I almost died from a negligent doctor botching throat surgery when my child was one. I didnt recover for four months, and the only 'help' my mum gave was cleaning the house once as it was going on the market. I can understand that you feel hurt, being her only child, i really can. But i still dont think its reasonable to expect her to want to help. She is busy packing all the living in to her remaining years, and as someone who stared death in the face, i can totally understand that. I wouldnt want to spend it babysitting grandkids, they are wonderful and they are your life, rightly so, but they arent hers,.

No offence meant. Would hate to upset a pregnant lady