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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why my Mum doesn`t want to help me more?

341 replies

OnEdge · 18/07/2010 16:36

I have a 3 year old, and 1 year old and am 32 weeks pregnant. My mum lives a 5 minute drive away and doesn`t seem to want to help me out.

She does heve my 3 year old most Friday nights, this started out as a plan to allow my husband and I to go out. we dont go out anymore, but Mum still wants my daughter round so that they can see her. I am really greatful for this, dont get me wrong.

Appart from that, nothing. She is mid sixties and in good health and is retired. If I ask her occasionally she will baby sit for a few hours so that I can work, but she always lets me know that she is doing me a huge favour and isnt really that keen. Once she referred to this as being lumbered

She knows that I am starting to feel it with this pregnancy, I am 39, but no offers to come round and help.

AIBU to be disapointed? Or is it my job to get on with it and not expect help?

OP posts:
diddl · 18/07/2010 17:32

Ooh-am I odd?
I´ve never wanted help to bring up my children.

scrab806ble · 18/07/2010 17:33

I feel your distress at this OP, but you also seem to have a sense of entitlement. Your mother did not choose for you to have children so close together . It is not her responsibility to look after them for you. You are lucky she does what she does. Maybe you should just explain to her how you feel, and then listen when she explains how she feels?

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 18/07/2010 17:33

No, Hecate, I don't think it should be law. I am a libertarian at heart. But it's just really, really sad that society has become so fractured that this is the result - cripplingly exhausting parenting because no one wants to help, even people who supposedly love the parents and children involved

ApocalypseCheese · 18/07/2010 17:33

Yanbu, call me old fashioned but I think families should be there for each other.

If it wasnt for me and my family helping my d sis out chances are at least one of her dcs would have been put in residential care by now because she wouldnt be able to manage.

mummytime · 18/07/2010 17:35

OP read your posts, keep reading them until you can spot why you sound like a PFB princess who suddenly isn't the centre of attention. Sorry!

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 18/07/2010 17:35

Are children really something we have and then wash our hands of the moment they turn 18 and leave home? Seriously? Is that what you all think of your children?

I just can't believe so many of you would not help your children when they become parents

mumofthreesweeties · 18/07/2010 17:35

You are being unreasonable imo. Just because she is your mum doesn't mean she should help. Have you ever thought that she might be tired. My mum is in her mid 50's and works, when she is off I do not expect her to look after my kids at all. In fact I always want her to rest and to come to mine so that I can offer her cups of tea etc. Having your 3 year old is a lot imo and I am sure she has her own life to lead. You chose to have your children close together and you should not expect your parents to be your childminders. Sorry to come across as being harsh but I am sure that your mum probably feels she has had her time raising children. FWIW I absolutely hate looking after other people's children even my sisters because it is hard work. I also never ask anyone else or expect them to help with my children - I chose to have them period

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 18/07/2010 17:36

She doesn't sound like a PFB princess at all, just a heavily pregnant, exhausted mum of young children who, in most other cultures of the world, would be having a damn site more help to cope than she is in this crappy society!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 18/07/2010 17:36

I agree with you. It is very sad. I wish we all cared about each other more, and helped each other out - family members, elderly neighbours, people in the street who are struggling.. but we are becomming more and more selfish. How many of us actually put ourselves out to help others? What do any of the people on this very thread do for those around them? It's a sad world we live in.

But the bottom line is - if they don't want to, they don't have to.

The fact that it's sad and hurtful to be in that situation (I know, my parents have never been any help, but that's just tough luck for me!) is beside the point.

They don't have to help.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 18/07/2010 17:38

Mrswobble - how many people on this thread have said they wouldn't help their adult children?

Believing that people are not obliged to help if they don't want to is not the same as saying you yourself would not help your children. Difference is, you might want to.

I will help my children. I just understand that people don't have to.

diddl · 18/07/2010 17:38

OP-what is it you want your mum to do for you?

mjinhiding · 18/07/2010 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

deaddei · 18/07/2010 17:41

My parents are dead, and IL's have never shown the slightest interest in my dcs.
I have never had the luxury of family to help out, and have had to make do- I do get a bit jealous at friends who have an endless supply of family help available.

But I think grandparents now want to do more things- 60 is not considered old now, whereas 30 years ago you were looking at Stannah stair lifts.

deaddei · 18/07/2010 17:41

My parents are dead, and IL's have never shown the slightest interest in my dcs.
I have never had the luxury of family to help out, and have had to make do- I do get a bit jealous at friends who have an endless supply of family help available.

But I think grandparents now want to do more things- 60 is not considered old now, whereas 30 years ago you were looking at Stannah stair lifts.

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 18/07/2010 17:43

Ok, a few people have said it, Hecate. I'm actually feeling really upset about this. Maybe I've got PMT!

Of course people don't have to help, but it is distressing for all parties when people don't, when they just shrug it off and say 'not my problem'.

I volunteer a lot; I help out friends with childcare, and they help me out; my parents and PIL help me a lot in different ways, and I try to help them in return, but I'm very aware that my 'payback' time will come when they are elderly and they need me more, rather than me needing them more. My mum had no money when we were growing up, and my grandparents helped her out practically and financially. She has money now, and has less need of it as she has no children at home, so she helps me out so I can stay mostly a SAHM. I will do the same for my children, and that is one of the advantages of having them young. I will have a good twenty-plus years of working full time after they've all left home and DH and I will have more money than we need, and will be able to afford to help our children when they need it most.

It's how I see the world, and thankfully how my parents and PIL see it too. I just find it utterly sad that so many people don't see it that way

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 17:43

She has looked after them about 3 times in the past two years whilst I have worked. They were just one offs. I bought her flowers each time and was extremely grateful too.
I pay for my daughter to attend a pre school twice a week. I am not expecting my Mum to care for them in order for me to have spare time.

I often pop round to see parents for a brew and a chat.

I am still disapointed that she cant see that I am shattered and offer help. From one human to another let alone form a mother to daughter. I dont ask for anyhting from them, but a bit of support would be so appreciated. Like I said, even emotional support would be nice. An aknowledgement that I am knackered.

For example, if we go out for lunch, my Mum will expect me to go and place their order at the till,as well as mine and the kids. Wouldnt it be thoughtful for her to do mine and hers? (That is just a small example.)

The reason I have had them so close together is that I have had 4 MC and at 39 am running out of time, I havnt got the luxury of having large gaps between because chances are I will MC again and then menopause.

OP posts:
violethill · 18/07/2010 17:44

MrsWobble - all the things you describe about raising children - holding babies, the child building relationships with the extended family, support from the community etc - absolutely fine, I totally agree that all of that is good for children - but it doesn't have to be done without the parent there! The OP is complaining because her mother isn't taking the children off her hands enough. Maybe her mother does enjoy spending time with the grandchildren - she just doesn't want to be in sole charge of them - which is fair enough. Enjoying family time with the OP and the grandkids is one thing - having the grandkids handed over to babysit them is quite another. If anything is a sign of a fractured society is the sense of entitlement that some people seem to have, that they can offload their own children, who they chose to have, just to make their own life easier.

HouseofCrazy · 18/07/2010 17:44

"Mrswobble - how many people on this thread have said they wouldn't help their adult children?

Believing that people are not obliged to help if they don't want to is not the same as saying you yourself would not help your children. Difference is, you might want to.

I will help my children. I just understand that people don't have to. "

This. I will help my children, as much as they want me to but it will be ^to the best of my abilities" i.e. I might be at an age where I am tired.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/07/2010 17:45

I do think that when you need help, you should be able to rely on family to give it to you and it is sad to think that they don't want to. I would be gutted if my mum didn't want to help me, even though I fully accept that she is under no obligation to do so, as I am an adult and have made my own choices.

For me though, I don't think I will stop feeling an obligation to my children once they are adults. I will do everything I can to help them out and will want to help with my DGC.

The govt have been making noises about giving GPs legal rights to see DGC in certain circs. I wonder will these rights come with responsibilities? Also, with parents having to work longer hours just to stay afloat, and the cost of childcare being high, it does make you wonder how life is going to work out if GPs don't help out

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 18/07/2010 17:47

violethill - yes, I agree with you. I feel awful when my parents have my children on the occasions I have to work. They insist it's fine, but I know they find it tiring. But they also love it. It's just that they're glad they're not doing it full time like me!

But it's not about 'just to make their own life easier' it's, IMO wrt the OP, about being 'to make her life more liveable'. Being a SAHM is bloody relentless. If you were in any other job, you would be expected to take regular breaks so that you didn't burn out and become crap at what you were doing. How often does that principle get applied to parenting?

If mums don't get breaks, how on earth can they be expected to survive, let alone do a good job of parenting?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 18/07/2010 17:49

I agree with you MrsW. I think people are terribly selfish. But they have the right to be.

I wish people wanted to help and support those around them. The world would be a better place.

But forced help is worthless. Help given out of duty or obligation is meaningless. And resented.

In an ideal world, we would all give help to people who need it. Because we'd want to.

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 17:50

I am not complaining that Mum doesnt take my children off my hands.

OP posts:
violethill · 18/07/2010 17:51

karma - many grandparents are still working, and this is likely to be even more commonplace in the future - regular raising of retirement age, people's pensions not being enough to live on etc. It is highly likely that many people of 60, 65, even 70 are going to be working to support themselves.

It's not a case of not wanting to help out. One of my children is now adult age, and tbh you don't feel any less a parent just because they've reached that magic age. You still want the best for your children, and you would still support them emotionally. However, I think part of raising children responsibly, is about fostering independence precisely so that they DON'T see the world as owing them a living. A sense of automatic entitlement is actually quite a childish thing. Being an adult means accepting responsibility over your own life and your decisions. Extra help is a bonus - not a right.

Morloth · 18/07/2010 17:51

So what do you want OnEdge and have you actually asked your Mum for what you want of her or are you expecting her to guess?

diddl · 18/07/2010 17:52

OP-if you really need help-why not ask?

Perhaps your mum doesn´t want to offend by offering with the implication that you aren´t coping.

I was horrified when my mum thought she would move in for a few weeks when my second was born "as they would be so close together there would be no way I would cope".

They are 21 months apart-it was easy-having mum there would have been awful.