to wonder why my Mum doesn`t want to help me more?

[OnEdge]

I have a 3 year old, and 1 year old and am 32 weeks pregnant. My mum lives a 5 minute drive away and doesn`t seem to want to help me out.

She does heve my 3 year old most Friday nights, this started out as a plan to allow my husband and I to go out. we dont go out anymore, but Mum still wants my daughter round so that they can see her. I am really greatful for this, dont get me wrong.

Appart from that, nothing. She is mid sixties and in good health and is retired. If I ask her occasionally she will baby sit for a few hours so that I can work, but she always lets me know that she is doing me a huge favour and isnt really that keen. Once she referred to this as being lumbered

She knows that I am starting to feel it with this pregnancy, I am 39, but no offers to come round and help.

AIBU to be disapointed? Or is it my job to get on with it and not expect help?

i think that's the crux of the problem. you have truly out-grown her and some part of her resents you for that. she only had you, so your dd is familiar territory for her, but you've gone on to have more and you've left her behind.

ironically she probably needs you to tell her how much you love her and how important she still is to you, that you still need her.

So basically she raised one child on her own with no support and you have a tense relationship at the best of times. You are expecting her to change completely from what she was used to, to being this great hands on Gran. I feel a bit sorry for her, it sounds like she is under pressure with your Dad and now you wanting stuff from her.

My Mum has said that she is happy we are all grown now and while she misses my Dad she is happy to not to have look after anyone really. She can just look after herself for a change.

So much pressure on women to give give give, even if they don't want to/have no obligation to.

Good luck.

OnEdge just talk to her! It may not change things but you might as well express how you feel.

Maybe she thinks the neighbour was right and she shouldn't interfere.

Your last post is very revealing- she didn't haveher mum around when she was bringing you u, so how would she really know what a gp should do/mum should do for a pg daughter when she didn't have a mum around herself? Yes you can see what others do but really you learn from the models in the family.

Honestly, why can't you just tell her straight, how you feel, what you wish you had from her, why it's upsetting you.

I dont think she can identify with being a Mum of two rather than one.

My husband says I am impatient with him. I am like on fast mode now. If think he dawdles but he is the same, I have just gone all busy busy .

I think that in my Mums eyes I am now like a whirlwind and seem to have everything in hand. She just doesnt see a need to help cos I have gone up a gear. Like I say I dont need her help, but I feel sad she doesnt help me more because she is usually fab.

OnEdge, you sound like your getting a bit upset now. Please try not to get worked up. I know it must hurt that your mum isnt as forthcoming with help as you'd like her to be. Sadly, not all mums are.

I'm lucky that my parents would do anything for me and my dc, so I cant imagine how hard this must be for you. You need a rest. You are probably tired due to the late stages of pregnancy together with looking after 2 young children. You are probably (maybe even subconsciously) panicking about how you are going to cope with the 3rd one due soon.

I know its not the same, but, as you mentioned about your husbands aunt, could you not ask her for some help occassionally, she may well be flattered and jump at the chance.

Don't waste any more time on here, OnEdge! Tell your mum how you feel. Draft an email (don't send it just yet).

I have two daughters myself. If they are living near or I can live near them when they have kids, I'll do whatever I can to help.

But I'd be really upset if they were upset with me and didn't feel they cuold tell me.

I think you need to tell her what you've told us.

yikesascorpiobaby

Dont know what to say without her getting cross. We are both very sensative and would struggle to keep calm in a conversation like that. She does seem to take offense at any opportunity. I feel like I am walking on eggshells and she says she feels she is.

Well I am off to bed now, I am really grateful for all the responses. Will have a good think about it tonight. I am not upset just knackered thanks again .

What about the advice from expat to put it in an email?

I'm sorry the relationship is difficult and tense.

You sound sad about it and you need support with three very young children. If you could just be clear with her about what you want and need,well, then she can take it or leave it, but I am sure she would try.

I do feel sad for her here- that she had no mother figure herself, and lost her second baby. These things do suggest possible reasons why she may not be able to be all you want.

Yes it is sad, and I am wanting her to be something she isnt or cant be.

thats the nub of it.your expectations are not shared

No and I cant expect her to know what I want her to be and I cant exactly tell her.

I have 3 kids and when number 3 was born I had 3 under 3. There is a great geographical distance between my family and I (and my parents work full time) so I couldn't expect any help from them.

Also I am one of 2 (with a big age gap) so my mum simply couldn't understand how to help with 3 little ones IYSWIM.

It sounds like you do have a good relationship with your mum - please don't ruin that by having unrealistic expectations.

This thread is so, so depressing, and so indicative of all that is wrong with our society - Look out for number one and don't care about anyone else. If it's not a societal expectation that people help eachother, then people just won't do it. You're all enabling this selfish behaviour by saying 'it's wrong to expect your family to help you out when you need it'. You're making it ok to behave like that.

What a fucking crap country I live in, and how depressing to find out so many people are so selfish

OP-I think you perhaps simply need to tell your mum that you need her-just to be there for you if nothing else.

Perhaps you need to admit that you might seem as if you are coping all the time but you´re not.

MrsW - I think the point is, she is already helping out by providing 1 night a weeks childcare.

Just not in the way the OP wants.

TBH, I think the OP is luckier than most in the amount of help she already gets, and a bit blinkered to not acknowledge it as help.

My Mum lives miles away from me, and has done for most of my DDs life, as do my ILs. When she does visit, she wouldn't do any of the things that the OP asks for - she doesn't bathe, change, clean up after DD. She wouldn't dream of expecting to hold DD so I could eat (indeed, she would have probably thought I was being an idiot for not settling DD down before I ate because that's the way she did things when I was a child), or to make teas and coffees at a party (BTW, if anyone wants drinks at a kids birthday, they make it themselves).

Does this make her a bad GM? Hell no. She's amazing - plays with DD better than anyone I know, has taught her the alphabet, cuddles her. That's what she sees as her role, and thats fine by me.

Op sounds both spoiled, and a bit of a martyr.

"No and I cant expect her to know what I want her to be and I cant exactly tell her."

Why not tell her, but use "I" language, telling her about how you feel not accusing her. (The "How to talk......How to listen" books go on about this, and are useful for when your kids get older.)

But do it preferrably without the kids, and when you feel up to it. Maybe a cafe or somewhere where neither of you can get too emotional. And do ask her what she dreams of, what she wants.

We all have rights to want, dream of stuff. We don't have the right to demand that others obey our script.

BTW family life is never, has never been perfect with everyone getting on and helping, without jealousy, neglect, or selfishness. Human's are messy people.

The first thing that strikes me, since the OP gave more information, is that the eldest grandchild is exactly the same age as the OP's mother was when her own mother died. It must be very difficult for her to watch her daughter's family growing up with everything that she didn't have. She also has no blueprint of how a grandmother 'should' behave. (Not that I think a grandmother 'should' do anything except love her grandchildren and be interested in them). I suspect the mother is dealing with very complex emotions and perhaps isn't coping very well either.

violet - that is an excellent point.

Wish my mum would have lived to see her grandchildren. Wish my Dad had not been spending year abroad when DD1 was born. REALLY wish my mum still here to moan about or to.
Late pregnancy is hard. Do you really need to make it harder by feeling resentful towards your mum? Can't you just talk to her??She obviously loves you and does take some part in raising your children. If she is not doing it as you would like, can't you tell her?
I miss my mum.

OP-have you ever happened to criticise your mum´s way of doing anything?
So that she would rather now do nothing than risk that?

Also, as Violet touched on, it is perhaps hard for her re losing her own mum so young.

be grateful for what you get!!!! more than I do!!!!

this is a very common issue and I think you need to just swallow it I'm afraid...

OP, honestly you do seem to take your mum for granted. Yes I understand that your mum shouldnt stand there watching you struggle, but at the end of the day you chose to have three children and you should not see it as an entitlement that your mum should help.

In my culture, it is a daughter's role to make their parents lives easier i.e. when my mum comes round to ours - I run around making her cups of tea, offering lunch etc because that is what is expected of us. She did her bit raising me and looking after me. I have 3 children as well and while I was pregnant I was seriously ill with SPD and could hardly move. My mum helped when she could. She was not in a position to look after my 2 DC's then but I did not begrudge her this because if she could then she would. I always want my mum to rest and enjoy her life. Even throughout my illness I did not EXPECT her to drop everything just because she is my mum, but was grateful when she did help because that is what she was able to do.

As other posters have suggested, a mother daughter relationship is a two way thing that must be worked on. I am an only child too but have step sisters, and yes, maybe your mum doesnt realise how difficult it is because she just had you. BUt then again maybe she does realise which is why she chose to have one child!! I reckon if you work harder and ironing out the resentment you feel towards your mum then you might improve things. Maybe you are comparing the level of help other people you know get from their parents to that you get from your own mum. I always find comparing what I have to others breeds jealousy and resentment. Be happy with the little your mother is doing

My mum was a super-granny: she looked after her granddaughters all day every day from 5 weeks old till they were teenagers, cleaned my sister's house, did her dgg's homework, took them on holiday etc etc etc.

BUT - instead of being in the slightest bit appreciative of this, my sister moaned and moaned and then moaned some more that my mother was a poor role model as she didn't work, and that she had no friends of her own and wasn't socially confident, and that she had been given the wrong mother

The fact is you can't make a leopard change its spots. Others have rightly pointed out that OP is frustrated that her mother is not a cuddly helpful granny. This is understandable. But being angry and resentful is just going to make the OP feel worse. She has to accept the situation for what it is.

I think there is a media-fuelled misconception that when you're 60-something you feel just like you did at 30-something- just maybe look a bit more wrinkly if you havent been using your Oli of Olay with sufficient enthusiasm.

BUT that is usually BS. People get older, they get tired more quickly, they may just not feel up to looking after small children for prolonged amounts of time.

Many mums find 2 pre-schoolers exhausting and they have 30 years on Granny.

Yes, extended family did used to do more but Grannies tended to be younger then (My gran was 50 when I was born, my mum will be 63 when DS is born). Also, remember that it cut both ways. Many children had elderly parents live with them and nursed them till they died. Now they get shipped to residential care.