to wonder why my Mum doesn`t want to help me more?

[OnEdge]

I have a 3 year old, and 1 year old and am 32 weeks pregnant. My mum lives a 5 minute drive away and doesn`t seem to want to help me out.

She does heve my 3 year old most Friday nights, this started out as a plan to allow my husband and I to go out. we dont go out anymore, but Mum still wants my daughter round so that they can see her. I am really greatful for this, dont get me wrong.

Appart from that, nothing. She is mid sixties and in good health and is retired. If I ask her occasionally she will baby sit for a few hours so that I can work, but she always lets me know that she is doing me a huge favour and isnt really that keen. Once she referred to this as being lumbered

She knows that I am starting to feel it with this pregnancy, I am 39, but no offers to come round and help.

AIBU to be disapointed? Or is it my job to get on with it and not expect help?

The extended family thing is a bit of a red herring. I think many (particularly middle class) people have been living in quite closed nuclear family units since Victorian times.

Also "as ye sew so shall ye reap". Grannies who do not help cannot turn round in their dotage and expect everyone to rally round. (Takes pointed look at pil who have DONE JUST THAT.)

Well I think as regards to everyone "mucking in", as a rule now we are more likely to have an amount of children that we can cope with ourselves without needing help.

Therefore grandparents can just "enjoy" without having to "do".

Must that doesn´t mean that these GPs wouldn´t help when absolutely necessary.

I think it is interesting that most (all?) of the people saying you shouldn't expect so much are all people whose parents are either too far away to be involved, or who for some other reason (cultural, for example) are not very involved in helping out with their grandchildren. I wonder if there is some unspoken resentment from these people that is causing them to say the things they are saying? kind of, 'I had to deal with it, I survived, so just get on with it'? Just a thought...

Also, if your mum's mum died when she was a child, there is a strong case for her having some incredibly difficult emotions associated with watching your own family grow. She lost her mum, she lost a child, there's a lot of loss there. Has she ever grieved fully? (Can you ever grieve fully for such losses?) losing a mum at a young age can cause problems that are really difficult for people to put in to words. This is partly because the trauma occurred before language was fully developed - the memories are more emotional, visceral.

Perhaps seeing the emotional struggles and deprivation your mother has experienced might enable you to be a bit more sympathetic towards her, and so expect less of her?

Also it does strike me that you're putting your mum in a very difficult situation by not clearly articulating what you want/expect from her. You are expecting her to just know. it doesn't sound like she is capable or wants to just know.

I can see both sides - however, I would expect a member of my family to step in if I am experiencing difficulties coping (doesn't matter why, could be stress, exhaustion, illness, heavily pregnant, just generally run down or having problems). And viceversa.

I wouldn't expect my family to help me financially or to look after my children, but if I am having problems, and I am struggling, I would be terribly upset if they didn't step in to offer help (and viceversa).

I would of course do the same for them at any point in time (and have done so on several occasions).

We all live thousands of miles away, but if any of us (close knit relatives) have a problem we know we can count on each other to be there when it matters.

I would count being 30+ weeks pregnant as a time when any woman would appreciate the help and support of a close relative or friend if they are struggling to cope - but then again that's a given in my culture - maybe not so in the British one - judging from this thread?

I´m wondering if there has been some simple misunderstanding.

OPs Mum doesn´t offer much as she doesn´t want to offend, has been told it´s OK no help needed quite often, or doesn´t notice that OP is struggling.

Feel like a total shit now.

I take the kids to a soft play thing on Monday mornings. Today, Mum turned up and took 1 year old round for half an hour playing which allowed me to sit with some other Mums and discuss local primary schools.

And at the end, she said "I`ll carry him" and carried him out to the car and strapped him into the car seat.

I am shocked and delighted, because this is exactly the sort of thing I was trying to explain.

The only thing that has changed is that yesterday we did go round for lunch as usual because I wanted a quiet day at home to rest SPD. Maybe she realised I was getting knackered.

Anyway, I thanked her loads and feel loads better and very guilty for last nights discussion.

Has she read this thread ?

oops i meant to say Didn`t go round for lunch. Ane before people get cross, we take it in turns each week to do lunch for each other, she doesnt skivvy for me every Sunday

When you next see her I would thank her again for what she did this morning - maybe it will help to make her realise that you need more support.

I think you've got some unfair flaming here and people have taken some of what you've said the wrong way.

Maybe it's just a case of her not realising how much you've been struggling.

Hope it gets better and good luck for No3. x

OnEdge - glad to hear your mum was there for you. That's what mums' are for. - giving support to their kids in vulnerable and testing times. Does the world of good.

I can relate to you - because the back end of my third pregancy I found it tough going.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to feel looked after when you need a hand and are heavily pregnant. My experience with relatives/family is that some are really keen to be involved and others are just often 'unavailable.' I also don't think it's less hurtful if you are 18 or 39 when you feel let down. Unfortunately, we can't make people behave like we want them to.

Really pleased to hear that OnEdge - nice suprise for you! Maybe she's secretly on MN!

Very late in the day

Your mum's mum died when she was 3. Your mum brought you up with no help, miles from anywhere

Your mum has her ishoos about being abandoned by her mother and how no one helped her out with her baby. That's what's stopping her helping you, her own resentments

I know it's psychobabbly but it's true. My mum (who sounds v similar to yours) had no help when my brother was born as we were living in the US and has never got over it. She resented helping me out when dd2 was born, dh was away for work and i'd had a cs. She did help but with very bad grace and I've never asked her for anything again.

My mum also does a lot for her mum and she simply has no more to give on top of that, just like your mother and your father. Whether your father needs the help or not is irrelevant, they have that set up and she can't easily bow out of it.

I totally sympathise, this is not about entitlement it's about feeling betrayed on some level by the person who you thought was your closest ally. But you can only live with it, accept your mother for who she is and have no expectations. It is very hard but there's no other way round it. Good luck with dc3

Thanks mrsshackleton

My Mum always says that I am so lucky having family (her n Dad) around while I have my family because she was on her own when she had me.

Its a bit ironic really, but things are looking up

YANBU. My mother compares awfully to my mother in law, who is an angel - will take DD for entire weekends, etc. Mine - who is retired - never even changed a nappy, has babysat about twice in four years. I know exactly how you feel, esp in the last few weeks of pregnancy when having a bump feels like a full time job. Even if DD is ill, I could not rely on her for help, and they have no relationship to speak of, which is a shame for everyone.