to wonder why my Mum doesn`t want to help me more?

[OnEdge]

I have a 3 year old, and 1 year old and am 32 weeks pregnant. My mum lives a 5 minute drive away and doesn`t seem to want to help me out.

She does heve my 3 year old most Friday nights, this started out as a plan to allow my husband and I to go out. we dont go out anymore, but Mum still wants my daughter round so that they can see her. I am really greatful for this, dont get me wrong.

Appart from that, nothing. She is mid sixties and in good health and is retired. If I ask her occasionally she will baby sit for a few hours so that I can work, but she always lets me know that she is doing me a huge favour and isnt really that keen. Once she referred to this as being lumbered

She knows that I am starting to feel it with this pregnancy, I am 39, but no offers to come round and help.

AIBU to be disapointed? Or is it my job to get on with it and not expect help?

OP I think your mum is being rotten booking a holiday 2 weeks before your due date. I'm for you, have you got a back up plan?

" I have been advised to see that as, "well its their loss if they don't help out" but the sad thing is that I don't think such unsupportive grandparents do see it like that at all."

Trouble is, it's not just her loss, is it. It's yours and your children's too. Children do so well by having lots of different adults who love them helping to take part in the child-rearing. It's so good for them to be really close to other adults who aren't mum and dad, but who really do love them and care about them.

Being 32 weeks pregnant is not an illness though is it? Maternity leave doesn't start til around 36 weeks usually. I agree pregnancy can be tiring, but at least the OP isn't juggling weekday working with being pregnant and caring for two young children. She said she only works at weekends, so two days, and her mother is already doing one night a week babysitting - oh and she mentioned the other grandfather does a weekly stint of childcare too. I really don't think people are being unsympathetic - just honest! The OP gets a fair bit of help, but seems very ungrateful for it.

Really feel for you OP, have similiar experiences here! right down to the parading them up and down at family parties!

nothing else but to smile and not go too green when my brother tells me about his great MIL (they basically get 1 night a week babysitting and a sleepover once a month!)

[goes into a corner and rocks quietly backwards and forwards!]

YANBU but what can you do?

I also think the limited health of the OP's father is an important factor here. Maybe the mother is providing quite a bit of care there. Even if he doesn't need practical help, there's the emotional drain of living with someone with poor health. She may worry a lot about him, and the future. I think it's very good of her to have the granddaugher every week in this situation.

I think sometimes, I feel sad inside because we could be out somewhere, like the beach for example, and I will be struggling along the sand with the double buggy and all the kit and clobber and she doesnt seem to want to offer to help but will just let me struggle. That is the sort of thing that baffles me. I could say "Mum could you just carry this please" but I dont want to humiliate myself. This is more the reason why I feel sad. She only had me, so maybe she has no idea how much harder it is with two and being pregnant.

Another example was at my son`s birthday party, I asked her if she would make teas and coffees when people arrived because in the past I have done this and doesnt work because I need to meet and greet. She said no. I dont get it. So it fucked it up then because everyone arrived at once and I had to keep running into kitchen to make drinks. Why couldnt she just be all hands on deck for half an hour to help me make tea and coffee.

That is more the help I meant, rather than childcare.

My parents take our daughter nearly every week for the night, and if we want to go away for a weekend every now and then. She also takes her in the week if I need to be anywhere. I think thats what grandparents do, and I will definitely be doing that for my own children. My mum is younger though so I dont think she gets as tired

I know I didnt make this clear at the begining, my fault. I am learning a lot as I go on this thread.

Why is asking her to carry something humiliating yourself, but asking her to make teas/coffees not?

I don't understand why it's humiliating asking someone to carry a bag or something. Even if they said no. If I was finding it hard going, I'd have just said that we would have to make do with being where we were as I couldn't cart all the stuff about.

Did you spring the tea thing on her at the party or had you asked beforehand. If there is tension between you I can understand her refusing to be put on at the last minute.

I think you both need to talk.

TBH I would look to friends rather than her. Surely a friend would have been happy to do tea and coffee at the party? Also, don't make life too hard for yourself. It didn't mean the party was 'fucked up' just because everyone arrived at once. The other parents at the party know what having kids is like - they would be quite happy to muck in, or just wait a bit for their tea! It really isn't worth the hassle expecting help that she isn't able/prepared to give.

Also, if my mum was at her grandchilds party, she probably wouldn´t want to be waiting on guests.

Wow! I have always been really grateful to my parents and PIl for their help, but I really didn't realise it was so unusual!

My parents and PIL help out massively at my children's parties. I work hard too at them, but they know that I would like to be able to be enjoying seeing my child enjoying her birthday party and don't want me to miss it all being shut away in a kitchen, so we all muck in together so we can all enjoy the party too.

You never totally know what's going through people's heads anyway.

I remember my father standing around like a spare part at one of my children's parties. Things were pretty chaotic, and there were a million little jobs he could have done - poured drinks, wiped up spills, just mucked in, but maybe he felt a bit out of his depth, I don't know. I just got some of the other mums to muck in.

OP - YANBU and I agree with everything mrswobble has said.

me and dp are lucky because both sets of parents babysit regularly, including overnight so we get lots of breaks and time together as a couple, which is very important and i would really struggle without that support. but i also agree with some of the posters that ask if you have actually asked your mum for what you want or talked to her in any way about it.

yanbu - so many gps these days seem to think that gc are a toy, to be picked up for their amusement and put down when they become anything resembling (gasp) work.

Funnily enough the very same people often got loads of help from their parents when they had young dc.

I put it down to the spoilt baby boom generation and their over inflated sense of entitlement.

It will be their loss ultimately, as their gc won't care for them the way those of us with real relationships with our gps loved our gps.

I asked mum about a month before because I remembered the last one and was trying to avoid it.

She has got arms. I dont see the hardship in helping your daughter make some tea and coffee in order to support her for half an hour.

The reason I dont ask for help on the beach is because she said no at the party. I can manage on the beach, it is a struggle, but I can manage.

What makes me sad/ disapointed is that my own family are present, doing nothing. Why should I be struggling? I can manage, I can cope, I am not being a princess but there is no way I would stand by and watch a member of my own family struggle unnecesarily if I could help.

Perhaps your mum feels that you are asking her to do things for you rather than helping you with them?

My Mum is being the Princess here.

"reading this i must remember to tell her i love her when we go out tomorrow "

This horrid thread made me write a very public status update thanking my parents and PIL for being so wonderful. I never realised how unusual they were in wanting to be actively supportive and involved in our lives.

I think its definitely harsh about the party and her not helping. Even when its not my daughters birthday if my mum comes over her to babysit at any time she does all my washing up and cleaning. I dont ask her to but she just does it to help out.

"She has got arms"

You seem to be bristling with resentment towards your mum. If she can sense this then she probably feels like she's walking on eggshells with you.

As I've said before, I think the air needs clearing a bit between you both.

"Also, if my mum was at her grandchilds party, she probably wouldn´t want to be waiting on guests. "

Well in a perfect world none of us would, we'd have a butler. But since we don't, family normally helps out.